Ambivalence

[DelaneyJuliette]

On 4/15/2020 at 9:23 AM, Tom23Jones said:

Whats a week or two in the grand scheme of things? Tapering may work for some people but I know it would have never worked for myself. I needed to tear the bandaid off and suffer and push through.  No way would I have had the discipline to do a gradual taper.

 

Have you ever been 100% honest to your husband the havoc that adderall wrecks on your mind and body?  Do you think he'd consider giving it up completely with you?  Even if it works for him now, he'll most likely eventually get to a point where it causes him hell.

 

Its never going to happen.  Its just not

I'm too scared to cut it off completely.  This is where I get mad at myself and feel ashamed.  Like...  duh, cut off the supply.  But then what about in case of emergency.  I know, my world won't crumble.  But a part of me actually thinks it will.  

[DelaneyJuliette]

On 4/2/2020 at 9:35 AM, Tom23Jones said:

I did that kind of addict justification for months and years.  Trust me you can still handle your current life without stimulants.  Most likely way better.  It might not seem better when you initially quit but you can handle it.  And you'll be much more present with your 4 kids and way more self aware about your business... opposed to just speeding through the day being a productive machine.  Its not a sustainable way of life.

I like remembering this.  I want freedom. 

[DelaneyJuliette]

On 4/9/2020 at 9:39 AM, LuLamb said:

Ambivalence is such an appropriate TOPIC. And it’s definitely where I’m at right now. I slipped-up and asked my neighbor for a few pills. I felt so crappy on Sunday and Monday that I just caved to the idea that a small amount of Adderall - a little limited supply - was necessary. I would argue that my recovery over the past six months since I cut off my psychiatrist has been quite messy. I am seeing now that there is quite a degree to which I am not fully facing the music in that in addition to this being the third time I’ve gotten a few pills from my neighbor, I’ve been going around and around in circles trying to find supplements, OTC meds, teas, whatever, to feel better- to avoid dealing with ME without Adderall. Last week I got a few good runs in, but I jacked up my back as a result, so couldn’t do more runs. I’m so all-or-nothing. So, the past couple of days, I’ve taken a small amount of Adderall. And now I’m in a real state of ambivalence. And I feel like a liar. Or at least like I’m being dishonest. I know my boyfriend could tell yesterday that I had used. And I am shocked that I acted like nothing was “going on”. It was such a relief to feel energized and motivated and upbeat yesterday. It was like feeling “NORMAL”!!! I need to re-read my posts on here over the past six months. Lately I’d really been feeling like or I guess, FEARING that I’ll never really recover or feel good again. Life on Adderall is not sustainable, and life in recovery from it is ROUGH and rather joyless. I’d been trying really hard to fight the good fight. I believe that from here I have no alternative but to take a new approach to my recovery: one that is more pure and basic. No more dicking around with so many supplements and teas and caffeine and special diets, etc. And! I need to find a way to cut off my current source (my neighbor) But, I still have a few pills. And so I’m feeling terribly ambivalent. 

I really relate to this.  I am fully aware I am trying to find an easier softer way.  But does it have to be so freaking hard?!  I don't see how I can possibly keep life going for a week or 2 while coming off of this without a taper, and the only way to do that is to stay in bed all day everyday but then everyone will think i'm sick and that's like no bueno with regard to covid scares.  Or actually i guess i just could be honest with everyone.  (by everyone i mean my nanny and house keeper.)  Plus, the kids are home (all 4 of them, being homeschooled) so that is insane.  Maybe i take a week off?  ugh i dont know.  fear of economic insecurity.  And why why why do i feel like i have zero distress tolerance?  i can handle SO much fucking more than most people can (intensity wise) but when it comes to craving it feels intolerable.  I know it isn't but it feels that way.  And i don't know what to do about it.  I mean, i know what i would tell someone to do about it, but it's like i want someone sitting there with me through it, telling me it's going to pass and going to be okay.  I know it will pass b/c it always does, but i just cant seem to get to the other side. 

 

[DelaneyJuliette]

On 4/15/2020 at 5:47 PM, LuLamb said:

What has your husband's response been to the fact that you are spiraling? 

We don't have a great relationship.  We are amazing parents together, but there are so many issues.  He doesn't even know i am spiraling b/c when on adderall i seem together.  it's the withdrawal that makes me crazy and seem borderline lol.   i mean i know he would be supportive if i told him, but i also feel like id be giving him additional power over me and i already struggle with that b/c he is super ocd.

[DelaneyJuliette]

On 4/3/2020 at 5:53 PM, DrewK15 said:

@DelaneyJuliette you’re always welcome on here! I can relate to how you are feeling. I think we all can in some way. Think about it, you’re hanging out on a forum about quitting Adderall. And you have been for a while. You know you need to quit. But you don’t want to, because it sucks. I REALLY didn’t want to quit. But I’m still alive almost 2 years later and so glad that I did. How did you survive raising your kids and running the business during the month you were sober? Did it all crash and burn? I read through a lot of your old posts. You waste a ton of time on Adderall as we all did or do. Browsing Etsy, making lists of movies, etc..

When you’re ready to do this, you’ll probably get through it without losing everything that you love. If you keep using indefinitely, you just might lose it all. Keep wrestling with it. Ponder deeply. The middle ground between two choices is an uncomfortable place to be, but we so often chose to stay there. You can do this.

I waste SO much time on adderall b/c it all feels important.  I legitimately do have weak executive functioning in prioritizing and that creates anxiety and when I take adderall that anxiety goes away, but... so what?  So what if I have to take a few minutes to decide what's really important?  It didn't all crash and burn the month i was sober... but i tapered super slowly (first time i ever did that - before it has always been these wild swings from all to nothing.)  and then after i was done i took a whole lweek off to heal from surgery, and so by the time i went back there weren't physical cravings.  It becoame glaringly apparent that I have too much going on in my life, but can figure that out.  It is just like... ugh.

 

[DelaneyJuliette]

On 4/3/2020 at 5:53 PM, DrewK15 said:

@DelaneyJuliette you’re always welcome on here! I can relate to how you are feeling. I think we all can in some way. Think about it, you’re hanging out on a forum about quitting Adderall. And you have been for a while. You know you need to quit. But you don’t want to, because it sucks. I REALLY didn’t want to quit. But I’m still alive almost 2 years later and so glad that I did. How did you survive raising your kids and running the business during the month you were sober? Did it all crash and burn? I read through a lot of your old posts. You waste a ton of time on Adderall as we all did or do. Browsing Etsy, making lists of movies, etc..

When you’re ready to do this, you’ll probably get through it without losing everything that you love. If you keep using indefinitely, you just might lose it all. Keep wrestling with it. Ponder deeply. The middle ground between two choices is an uncomfortable place to be, but we so often chose to stay there. You can do this.

I don't want to die.

[DelaneyJuliette]

On 4/3/2020 at 10:28 AM, LuLamb said:

I can relate and understand everything you’re saying. Hang in there. I’m thinking of you. Are you still seeing clients (what with COVID-19 going on)?

Telehealth (phone or skype) - u?

[LuLamb]

On 4/22/2020 at 1:41 AM, DelaneyJuliette said:

Telehealth (phone or skype) - u?

I'm doing 100% telehealth now and I have decided to close my literal office and continue doing only telehealth full-time. i just gave my office landlord notice today. 

[LuLamb]

Today is Day 13. I'm realizing that in many ways, having had nearly 6 months of sobriety under my belt (albeit with 2 brief {a few days} relapses) has really helped. I was afraid that after this most recent relapse that I'd be back to square one in a much bigger way. This past week has been good. It's helped so much to be sheltering-in-place -- not having to get up, get ready, get out, battle traffic, go to the office, etc., etc. Working from home, I find it much easier to take good care of myself, and to use my down-time to walk, sit outside, read a book, etc. I feel like I'm managing to take each day as it comes and to be more accepting when I feel MEH. This week I have really felt a newfound sense of my self and an optimism about my ability to build the life I want for myself. It's been shocking in contrast to the Adderall DAZE. For the first time in a decade, I have been seeing that I am a pretty strong and that I am moving myself in the direction of the simple, clean, productive life I want. Things seem so much simpler. So much more manageable. This week I've had some energy and I've felt motivated. At the same time, I'm conserving my energy in that I'm being more thoughtful about what I want to use my time, energy, and resources for. 

[DelaneyJuliette]

I like that description "Adderall DAZE" - the thing that helps everything get so much clearer... until it doesn't and everything blurs together and hours turn to days and days to weeks and weeks to months and months to years...  thank you for this post, it is inspiring for me.  I am on Day 2 of my taper.   

[DelaneyJuliette]

30 minutes ago, LuLamb said:

I'm doing 100% telehealth now and I have decided to close my literal office and continue doing only telehealth full-time. i just gave my office landlord notice today. 

wow...  i am in private practice and have been coming into the office to do the telehealth b/c i have 4 kids at home, but i have been having fantasies of not seeing people in person again.  i need to really think about how i want to handle the transition back...  i just keep not thinking about it assuming i have time (adderall daze) but i would benefit from thinking about it.

[DelaneyJuliette]

On 4/2/2020 at 9:35 AM, Tom23Jones said:

I did that kind of addict justification for months and years.  Trust me you can still handle your current life without stimulants.  Most likely way better.  It might not seem better when you initially quit but you can handle it.  And you'll be much more present with your 4 kids and way more self aware about your business... opposed to just speeding through the day being a productive machine.  Its not a sustainable way of life.

I need to keep coming back and reading this over and over.  I get so much anxiety without meds... like I never know what to focus on.  

[purplepen]

Evaluate what kind of parent you are when you are on the stimulants. If your biggest worry is dealing with kids and everything that comes along with it- think about the kind of parent stimulants make you. For me, I am very unattached and uninvolved when I take them because I just want to be left alone. Like I will find the kids super irritating because they "distract" me from whatever it is I'm focused on, which is something probably stupid anyway. When I don't take the stimulants, sure the house is more messy but I am so much more involved with my kids, patient, loving, kind....just a suggestion. I have to remind myself of that often.

[DelaneyJuliette]

On 4/3/2020 at 10:28 AM, LuLamb said:

I can relate and understand everything you’re saying. Hang in there. I’m thinking of you. Are you still seeing clients (what with COVID-19 going on)?

I felt like i responded to this but maybe not.  Seeing clients via telehealth.

[DelaneyJuliette]

On 9/24/2020 at 1:29 AM, purplepen said:

Evaluate what kind of parent you are when you are on the stimulants. If your biggest worry is dealing with kids and everything that comes along with it- think about the kind of parent stimulants make you. For me, I am very unattached and uninvolved when I take them because I just want to be left alone. Like I will find the kids super irritating because they "distract" me from whatever it is I'm focused on, which is something probably stupid anyway. When I don't take the stimulants, sure the house is more messy but I am so much more involved with my kids, patient, loving, kind....just a suggestion. I have to remind myself of that often.

Here's the problem... when I am off them I am irritated and anxious and worry about all kinds of shit that I know doesn't matter.  When I am on them I am able to be present with the kids and tell myself that nothing else matters but them.  I take them on fun adventures and don't worry about schedule and time and all the stupid stuff my anxiety brings when I am not on them.  So this makes me justify use even more.  Plus, we are moving to a new house (same city) in december and I can't imagine how i will pack everything up and move without it.  So this also makes me justify use.  I know these are excuses.  FML.

[DelaneyJuliette]

On 4/2/2020 at 9:46 AM, SleepyStupid said:

thanks for sharing and being so honest! first of all, no one here is judging you. in fact, most of us have relapsed in a very similar fashion. most of us have tried several times to quit before finally succeeding. this is all part of the process, so don't beat yourself up over it.

here's honestly what it comes down to: everyone has different circumstances in life - i certainly don't have 4 kids or run my own business. that must be really tough. if quitting would genuinely put my family's survival at risk, i'm not sure i would do it. only you can answer that question. is that really why you're using again? but on the other hand, no one would quit Adderall if it didn't eventually become "not so great", right? there is of course a period of time where the good seems to outweigh the bad, then eventually it flips. you admit yourself that you're already at that point again.

fortunately though, you've already recognized that Adderall isn't a long term solution. that's probably the biggest hurdle of all! once you realize this, there may still be some relapse episodes, self-doubt, etc. but deep down you know eventually it has to stop. you're already on a one-way ride to recovery, it might slow down here and there, but rest assured that your commitment to this journey remains. (:

 

Agreed.  But how do I figure out WHEN to quit?  There will never be a good time.