Disappointed in myself; continually tested with real friends

[neilrealdeal]

Hey what's up I've been reading these forums for the past 3 years and have probably read most of your stories as I am on here 3-4 times a week still to this day. I have a huge amount of respect for all of you because I know the pain that comes with adderall addiction, and overcoming that was still to this day the most painful thing I have ever experienced. It left a scar on me emotionally that I will never forget. A little background on me is that I am 23 years old and set to graduate college in December finally after it getting pushed back about a year due to my adderall addiction and depression. From age 20-22 I used adderall every single day, starting at 5mg, eventually reaching 80mg a day for the last year I was prescribed (combining my prescription with my girlfriends that she had at the time) . I've now been clean for about 15 months, having used adderall probably about 5-10 times spread out through that this period of being "clean". I know I am playing with fire whenever I decide to take a pill, but I always seem to have a way of justifying it. Lately my justification has been "oh fuck it, I've already been through over a year of terrible withdrawals so the pain I feel from one pill on the comedown wont be anything compared to that, or maybe ill get lucky this time and wont have a comedown" or something along those lines. The last adderall pill I took was a 30mg and I felt depressed/anxious and had low energy for about a week afterwards, probably due to my previous abuse & that could be why I can't handle it anymore but I still continue to take it and it's normally always after I have been drinking alcohol with my friends. When I'm hanging with my friends there are always plenty of different types of drugs going around from xanax, percocet, oxy, shrooms, coke, acid, you name it literally everything. I've read plenty of things that say you need to seperate yourself from the friend groups and situations to where you could get access to these drugs but I really do love my friends and they never force me or try to suade me into taking anything. It's all on me every time I decide to. I still drink alcohol and smoke weed, but lately a lot of xanax has been going around so I occassionally have been taking that at night when I'm smoking and drinking. This scared me because after 3-4 times of taking xanax and smoking, I noticed when I only smoked and didn't take the xanax it felt like I I almost didn't even get high and I smoked about 2 grams to myself. It's like my body was already accoustomed to this "synergy" between the two drugs and one wasn't enough without the other, so I decided to flush the rest of the xanax I had because this was enough to scare me because I feel as If I was aware of what was happening. The reality is that I'll always have access to whatever type of drug I want, but I know I need to figure out some sort of mental tactic or something to prevent myself from taking different substances, especially adderall because I don't want to just stop hanging out with all of my friends, or drinking and smoking. These are all stress-releasing activities I enjoy doing. I've known some of these friends since I was 13 years old and truly care about them and love them. There are also people within this group of my friends who don't do any drugs and are very responsible with their drinking whom I also care about. It's just a sad cycle I've been on because whenever I start venturing into harder drugs I know exactly what I'm doing and the depression and anxiety that comes with it, but I always convince myself that I'm "man enough" to handle it. I don't know exactly what I'm looking for here, maybe some opinions on the situation and some insight could help from people who have similar experiences. 

[quit-once]

Welcome to the forum.  You have a tough situation that I can relate to.  When I quit, I was determined to keep my friends.  I would even let them use hard drugs in my home a few times.  But, I had to step away from them.  One friend, whom I have known since we were 13, kept using adderall then meth for several more years.  He eventually quit his addictions about a year ago and we are still good friends and hang out together often.  I didn't see him very often when he was still using, mostly by his choice.  My other friend continued using all drugs, and eventually went homeless and I have lost track of him.  

What I'm trying to say is that I get how important your friends can be and I don't think you have to abandon friendships to successfully quit, especially if there is more than drugs holding those friendhips together.  I also think that your occasional use of adderall and xanax is both risky and foolish.  It doesn't take much to reactivate a speed addiction.  You didn't elaborate on the reasons for quitting adderall, and I suggest putting those thoughts in writing so you can be reminded how awful and insidious this addiction was, can become again.