Struggling.

[TwiceInABlueMoon]

I first tried adderal when i was 16 and my friend was prescribed it. I dont remember much Of the experience but in my mind it made me feel as if i was "happy". Now knowing that was the false self-confidence part of the drug. Well 4.5 years later and i still struggle everyday...  Its prescribed to my friends, and some family members. It has caused my addiction gene to run wild and i began smoking, drinking... a lot, and honestly anything that'd alter reality. Except psychedelics, my anxiety could not fathom those.  

A few months after I first used, my friend commited suicide, which impacted my outlook on life a lot, aka a fuck ton of anxiety. I used to be a stoner, and thats all until this all occured. I started drinking so much that i missed my friends burial because i was so hungover. Less than a month later i lost my grandmother. So, I think thats where my addiction stems from but again, one cant absolutely know, right?

I started to be aware I shouldn't be using so much and tried Kratom which honestly helped me a lot. Until, a man i loved left me on Christmas Eve. (He has BPD so he would constantly change his mind about wanting me for YEARS.) After that, i tried all i could to not feel anything. Ive managed to keep my job of 4 years but thats become a trigger too due to the stress and being very underpaid. 

Today, im sober because I want so badly to think differently about myself. I need to. I do love to write and have been journaling. (I just dont like journaling if its not positive which is most days) Id really like to get to know some people and know your stories. My brother, who is also an addict, showed me this website. ♡ I knew I was addicted, but reading some of these, opened my eyes.. I really thought i was stupid for being addicted to amphetamines. My feelings are legitimate and im not alone... 

I drank last night after work because it was a very rough day. Im disappointed but all i can do is change my actions today. If youve read this far, thank you so much. If you have questions or advice please ask because i want to meet some of you! How is everyone doing today? 

 

[RJ in CA]

Thank you for posting such a heartfelt story.  I applaud you for being so self actualized and working on your recovery.  It took strength on your part to get to this point.

I have had my own experiences with both amphetamines and alcohol and have been sober for several years now.  My journey sounded a lot like your's with experimentation, highs and lows.

Please know that recovery is an ongoing process and you are stronger than you think.  A drink after a stressful day isn't the end of the world and it gave you an awareness of what you might not want to do during the next stress.  Try to focus on what you have, where you want to go and who you want to be.   I found that when I focused on gratitude and growth there wasn't much 'thought time' left to focus on fear of what might happen and regret over the past.

I'm also new to this form and when I read your story, it made me think of myself when I was younger.  Thank you again for posting.