Where do I even begin?

[checkinout]

I'm really hoping my story might help some of you. So I will begin about 5 years ago. My whole life I have been an introverted, shy person, anxious person. I had been seeing counselors off and on forever. Pre-adderall I was actually a pretty awesome person if I don't say so myself, just shy and socially awkward. Made straight A's, graduated high school early, graduated college in three years after some messing around for awhile. Honor society, yada yada...with absolutely no help from adderall or any other prescription. I was actually at my healthiest before I started this crap. I worked out, ate extremely healthy, had a social life. And then my counselor, out of sheer desperation I think suggested I try addies since nothing had worked for me. And I do mean nothing, I have been on every drug imaginable. She knew there was a history of "add" in my family and suggested my anxiety was actually add. I knew I didn't have add, but I was desperate too. And so began my downward spiral into hell.

At first everything seemed great. I was breaking out of my shell, I was happy, funny, the whole bit. As time went on I started feeling like I was on an emotional rollercoaster everyday. I slowly became an even bigger recluse than I already was. I couldn't function socially. It's like I had become flat. All I wanted to do was clean and finish my to do list. In fact, taking adderall gave me add. I would switch tasks a million times and see how many things I could possibly get done at one time in the fastest amount of time.

Then I got pregnant. Most normal people would be so concerned with their unborn child they wouldn't even think of touching this stuff. But that is what this junk does to you, it alters your logical thinking skills. So I took it after the first tri was over. Not every day, just when I needed it. Eventually I ran out and couldn't stand to see my dr and let her know I was that low of a human being that I would take this shit while pregnant. And I made it through the pregnancy just fine.

Now I have a baby, a million things to do and I think I will just get back on my rx. I will be supermom. That I was not. My daughter is now 11 months old. Instead of playing with her and loving her every day, I spend the day endlessly trying to finish everything. It never happens. I get upset because I can't seem to get things done like I used to. I take more addies because I think I will be able to finish everything. My husband comes home and I want to be normal. I want to watch a movie, I want to eat dinner, but I can't. I can't eat healthy because that food sounds disgusting to me. The only thing that is appetizing are sensory overloaded foods as I like to call them. I cannot turn the drug off so I can act like a decent person.

I am done with adderall. My dr is aware. I have previous medical conditions that have gone unattended because I cannot tell if adderall made it worse or caused certain things. I will tell you, adderall ruins your health. My teeth, skin, stomach, heart. That is for another forum. Please never start taking this drug.

[Alliee]

9.2 Abuse and Dependence

Psychological Dependence: Psychological Dependence is an emotional need for a drug or substance that has no underlying physical need. For example, people who stop smoking recover physically in a short time. The emotional need for nicotine, however, is much more difficult to overcome. They continually think they need the nicotine to stay calm even though there is no physical need. The drug for the addict is similar to what a security blanket would be for a child (or some adults).

I feel your pain about the not loving and playing with the baby. I took adderall when I babysat my nephew starting when he as 3 mos and ending when he was 7 mos. You know what? From my heart, I want to tell you that I think love is the most important thing out of all. That is all they need, lots and lots of love. Withdrawing would be hard when you have responsibilities, though. I lived without it for several months and I had no work ethic whatsoever. I'm a kindergarten teacher's aide. I got nothing done without medicine after being on Adderall for two years. I got mean looks from the other kindergarten teachers. But, the kids loved me. I eventually got back on stimulants bc the Kindergarten lead teacher needed me to be doing my work (filing, managing papers, cleaning up messes, looking around to see what I can be doing to help her). I'll say that I'm getting my work done and am more positive about it, but... I swear, the kids have reacted negatively to my lack of love. It's still OK, but I do recognize in my heart of hearts that those kids needed my love and nurturing, more than they needed the classroom to be organized.

One day I didn't take it and they were so happy.

[Alliee]

Why don't you get off the drug and create your own security blanket? Shelter yourself. Do what makes you and your baby happy. One therapist told me.. and this might seem random... she told me that there are some women who sit at home all day and wait for their husbands to come home... and she thinks their children are more stable because of it. I can definitely see that. Being in the rat race causes people to ignore their intuition. Do what you need to do and withdraw, recover, and make you and the baby happy.