About to Relapse! Help!

[Whittering]

Talk me out of this someone please! I'm starting to think it really wasn't that bad! I mean it wasn't. I can control it this time. Everything wasn't really as bad as I made it out to be. The only thing keeping me from it is reading about the two month exhaustion but I really didn't have that did I? I think I've rationalized that I can get back on it and be ok. I wasn't taking that much to begin with. I was fooling myself saying it turned me into a bitch. What I've found out at around the three month mark, is that I am a bitch, with or without it. So that problem is solved. It wasn't turning me into something I wasn't. I thought it made me antisocial. Nope I still don't like those people. I don't need it for work. Work is fine without it. It's all the other crap. My laundry never gets done any more. I don't get things fixed at home, rather I walk around them stepping over them. I'm too lazy to do anything with my kids. Before I was too busy for them. If I just turn that Addy energy towards them and not use it for work, everything will be fine.....

..... save me from myself.

[Cassie]

Whittering,

A few weeks ago when I was having similar feelings, my husband reminded me that three months isn't a long time to quit something. He actually kind of chuckled as he said it, like I was being childlishly impatient with my recovery expectations. And I realized I was. He was right - three months is nothing. Why don't you wait another three months and see if you feel differently? My prediction is that you'll feel a lot better at six months sober compared to three, as will I. And if you don't, well, Adderall will still be there if you change your mind. My point is, after long term daily use of any substance (let alone one as psychologically addictive as Adderall), you need a lot more than a few months to fully recover. If you don't want to take amphetamines for the rest of your life, you're going to have to let go sometime. Better sooner than later.

Cassie

[Greg]

1. Don't take it.

Just get through the rest of the day without taking it. Tomorrow, do the same. Take one day at a time.

2. Don't entertain your thoughts about it

Try to just cut off your thoughts when you begin to rationalize it - just stop whatever you are doing if you need to, close your eyes and cut off those thoughts immediately as soon as you begin to think them. DO NOT entertain them.

3. Keep checking in.

Even if it's just to keep saying you didn't take it today again. Maybe if you try to hold yourself accountable to the group, that will keep you from relapsing.

Just - whatever you do - don't take it.

[Cassie]

Just another thought: You say you only need it outside of work. So, what are you going to do - take it in the evenings after work and not be able to sleep? Be so tired the next morning that you need it for work? Or take it on Sundays and then need it on Mondays because you feel so tired compared to Sunday? I worry about starting a cycle like that. It's just so easy to start taking it more and more because your brain doesn't like feeling the periodic dopamine disruptions.

I'm at the 4 month mark and my energy is awesome right now, because I do yoga and guided meditation every day, and cardio a few times a week. I used to do 90-minute yoga sessions twice a week, but now I do a 90-minute session once a week at a studio and do a shortened 20-minute version every other day at home. I once read that it's better to do yoga 10 minutes every day as opposed to one hour a week, and I have to say that doing it daily has made my energy go through the roof. I also listen to a guided meditation podcast before I fall asleep, about 10-20 minutes.

I don't buy into the pro-pharma, quick fix, pill popping culture anymore. 100 years ago people didn't take antidepressants or other psycotropic drugs. And as my mom says about ADD kids, "we used to just call them brats."

[Freedom's Wings]

you can do it! I am at just over a month clean, and people like you even at three months are my inspiration! Take it an hour at a time if you need to, whatever you do remember that choosing to take adderall again means making the decision that you are not good enough without it,and that I don't believe is the legacy you hope to leave yourself.

Peace be with you and thank you for the encouragement you grant me!

Freedom's Wings.

[Whittering]

Sorry I'm not much of an inspiration Freedoms Wings. Because I'm dangerously close to a relapse!

As bad as my life was on the Adderall, there are also drawbacks to being off it. I'm weighing now which was worse, being on it or being off it. I think my problems are worse now. The weight gain is getting me down too and I don't have the energy to exercise.

Reading your story did however bring back memories of waking up and years having gone by. So actually you've inspired me to just wait another day and not take it today.

Thank you.

[Freedom's Wings]

Whittering,

You are so more than welcome. Although, It's gonna get worse before it gets better, that's the nature of the beast. I feel your pain,and I wish I could take it from you because thats what it is, pain. And the moment you take a "happypill" only to realize that splash of temporary relief is nothing more than a back stabbing liar,you will then only be adding serious regret to the pain your trying to mask, which only continues the cycle. Though you may be down and out right now, you are free and of your own will. Be patient with yourself...getting to this point didn't take a day, getting out of it wont either. You are perfect in this moment, just stay here into the next.

As far as the weight, I completely understand where you're coming from. You may have gained a few pounds, but remember this is a process and each STEP you take is progress. Right now you're not going to have motivation to do anything, it's just NOT going to happen, you are going to have to force yourself to get that ball rolling, even if it's slowly or for a couple of minutes as a start. Go outside, get out of the house! that part is sooo important. Walk around the block just once and back; give yourself even a five minute "get active" time schedule where each day you force yourself to get active, turn it into a routine, then slowly increase the time. I actually went for a short jog today! and I am zip for motivation, but somehow I did it. And funny thing...as I know your struggles all to well...I am even more inspired by you today then I was before!! You can do it, will will overcome this. Please be vigilant and one day you and I will both look back at this phase of our lives like it was nothing more than a crazy night in Cancun. Blessings,Peace be with you.

F.Wings

[Cassie]

Whittering,

I read that it's common for meth addicts to relapse after six months. Since adderall is essentially the same drug I believe the same theory applies. In a way adderall is more dangerous than meth because of its cultural acceptance. I think it's easier to relapse when you remove the social stigma from the substance. Anyway, I believe the reason aa/na give out chips at 3 months, 6 months, 9 months, one year, is because those periods are when the cravings hit the hardest. I myself have had a really difficult week of recovery, feeling depressed, tired, cognitively impaired. Intense cravings for adderall to make it all feel better. You just have to weather it. It might take us another 6 months to feel totally normal again - so be it. Amphetamine is a powerful, addictive drug and we don't want to return to addiction.

[quit-once]

At five months I felt vulnerable so I got rid of my remaining pills. Good thing I did because Months 5-7 of my recovery were challenging enough and I did not need that extra temptation. Then, in Month 9, I started to recover from recovery, gradually, and now at a year I can say I feel mostly normal. It was so gradual that I didn't realize things had improved that much until a month later. I still lack motivation on some days and or weekends, but that is mostly normal for me. As the post-quitting pounds start coming off, my motivation for exercise gets stronger each day. I am now walking about two miles each day and eating really well - no fast or processed foods. I have finally kicked breakfast (in the morning) and now I fast for about 14-16 hours each day. I don't consume any calories until after noon. I found some pretty good weight loss pills at GNC with Kim Kardasian's picture plastered all over the box. They are purple (come in a blister pack) and smell like rasberry jello. But boy do they work - I am about ten pounds less than a month ago.

I would like to write another post about the stages of my recovery, including the three R's: recover, rebuild, and rebound. One really interesting thing I have learned here is that recovery is a highly individualized process and that no two people will recover at the same rate. Hang in there! it is really, really worth it when you emerge on the other side of the recovery from your adderall addiction. I feel like there was NO major damage done to my mind or my body from nine years of adderall use and abuse.

[LILTEX41]

Whittering,

You CAN do this!!! Do NOT give up! It gets easier, I promise! I have been clean from adderall for 1 year and 8 months, but who's counting?

I just typed out my story about the first time I overdosed. It's horrific and looking back I do not miss adderall even in the slightest bit today. I hate it. How sad to think I wasted six years of my life being wrapped up in it's grips. Going over my story made me remember what it felt like to be on it again. I would not go back to that ever again. Joy and happiness compared to being a robotic zombie. It puts you in a trance and there is so much more to life today. It's like my eyes are open and I am cognicent of the sun if that makes any sense. I no longer bounce from task to task to task ignoring the rest of the world. I smile today. I am healthy. I eat well, exercise, get plenty of sleep, and I no longer have cycling moods of highs/low (you know HAPPY BOUNCING OFF THE WALLS WHEN IT FIRST KICKS IN/down and depressed and irritable as hell when it wears off).

My suggestion is to start coming up with some dreams for your life. Find something you are passionate about and go after it. Do your dreams include taking adderall for the rest of your life? Do you really want to be a slave to it again? What if you could find alternative solutions to your problems without taking adderall? Would you reconsider?

I promise, things will work themselves out in the end. What you are experiencing is just a little road bump in your recovery. Make a pro's and con's list. Post it if you'd like. I will help you in any way I can. Here's how it works. This is a tool I use from a recovery group I'm in. It's called a CBA for cost benefit analysis. Take a look if you get a chance. And remember, "The road of a thousand miles begins with one step." You are already like 200 steps in!

http://www.smartrecovery.org/resources/library/Tools_and_Homework/Quick_Reference/CBA_Worksheet.pdf

[Greg]

There is a culturally accepted stigma attached with adderall. I am certain most of us would never have gotten hooked on it if we thought of it as like "legal meth" ... but most of us probably thought we were taking something harmless to treat "Adult -type ADHD"..formerly known as ADHD...which was formally known as MBD...which before that didn't even exist.

If I had any idea how addictive this pill was I may have been scared off from taking it. I think by the time I realized it was so addictive it was too late, I was already addicted to it. It didn't take me long at all to get addicted to this stuff.

[Whittering]

Thanks everybody,

Every time I start thinking of taking the little evil monster pill because my brain starts thinking it wasn't so bad, I come back to this site. I read all my posts from day one and what each of you have written to me since then and decide all over again not to take it. Sometimes I pick up things that I've missed before. Sometimes I find things you posted that I never got to read. And then I read all about the newbies who have joined since I last signed on.

I was thinking this time of signing off and deleting my membership and just taking the dam pill again. Life would be easier...... or would it? No, my life is better now. I am more myself now than ever. Then I counted up my days off Adderall. 180 days tomorrow. I think I told somebody here that I could take one and it would be ok, not like I'm addicted or anything now. But after 180 days, it's become a matter of principle. Can I do it?

Just returned from a cruise with the family today and was without my laptop or phone for 12 days. It was relaxing but now getting ready to go back to the real world. It's just such a chore without the Adderall. (plus all the stupid nonstop eating that goes on during those cruises). I want my Adderall addicted weight back!!!!

Again, I will persevere. I will go on. I will prevail. But of course, it is largely due to this website. Thanks again people, for showing me the tricks my brain continues to play on me. Thanks for continuing to remind me why I don't want to go back to that life if even for a day.

God bless each and every single one of you.......

[Freedom's Wings]

How are you?

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

Hey Whittering:

 

1) Good on you for coming here when tempted; that takes balls

2) No matter what happens, relapse or not, we don't judge you; and

3) Recovery is not a linear process 

4) Think about the end point.   That's what I try to do when tempted (which is more than I let on).   I think about where it will lead, when it will stop, what it will do.  And then I try to change the tape.  Do something different. Think about something different.  Just stop thinking adderall will solve all your problems - because you know it won't, it's a liar and a cheat.  

 

YOU ARE BIGGER THAN A FUCKING PILL!!! You can do this.