Work after Adderall

[Cassie]

Hi everyone,

I need some advice on what to do about work. I've been off Adderall for 4.5 months now (yay!), but I'm really struggling with work. My job is sometimes busy, sometimes slow, and I usually have a lot of free time. I've worked there for several years now and was getting bored and restless while I was on Adderall. Now I've just completely lost all interest and motivation whatsoever. I think the slow pace was really helpful in the beginning quitting stages. I'm head of my department and don't really have a 'boss' looking over my shoulder, so I could slack off like crazy and delegate work to my employees that I would normally have done. And I could leave whenever I wanted. And the pay is decent which is important because I got myself in a ton of student loan debt while on Adderall. But I desperately want to change jobs because of the boredom, and the fact that I associate this job with Adderall.

My question is, do you think it's a good idea to change jobs this early in sobriety? Do you think a less cushy job would make me want to use Adderall again, or that a busier, more structured job would help because I wouldn't have as much time to think and dwell on my mental state during the day? I should mention that I would be changing jobs for the novelty - I have no real idea what I'm looking for or what my career interests are off Adderall. I don't think I'll ever like any job that requires me to work for someone else, to be honest. That's kind of why I started taking Adderall in the first place. Couldn't figure out what to do for a career, so might as well just enjoy the one I'm currently doing. Now I'm back where I started - no passion, no direction, no real goals, plus crushing debt! Has anyone else experienced this? Any advice? Thanks,

Cassie

[Greg]

Cassie, I am experiencing the same job conundrum. I'm glad you brought this up. I am struggling with those same questions so its hard for me to answer any of yours. I thought once I quit adderall, my life would suddenly have a clear direction. And all these special talents would come to the surface. I would find my consuming passion and career. Well, it hasn't happened yet. But I'm still holding out hope... Away from adderall I have developed a lot of different hobbies. Also, the anhedonia has recently been getting better...I have also in recent weeks felt a sharpening of focus, less discomfort, more relaxed energy and more motivation. Adderall recovery for me has been a game of wait...feel better...wait some more...feel a little better etc...

I was supposed to start my real job hunt this week after I last week took the B-School GMAT entrance exam that I have been studying for for the past couple months. Unfortunately, I didn't get the score that I needed (huge sigh) and I was going to just give up the whole thing all together but now I have scheduled an exam retake for thirty days from now and have once again hit the books. My hopes for b-school though aren't high anymore and after my second exam attempt, I am going to try to force myself to get excited about a backup plan. But will first have to formulate some backup plans.

I wish there was some kind of guide book to picking up the pieces after quitting etc. etc. I feel kind of like I dropped out of life for a year and a half for recovery (and the couple of years before I quit as I began my cognitive mental decline aka adderall psychosis every day) and now what do i do? Of course, one could argue that that the years when I was abusing adderall like a madman was the time I had truly dropped out of life. That makes more sense.

Cassie, I figure I am going to grab a bunch of career guides and do some research and will share any helpful info I learn when I start the process after my second exam attempt.

I do feel that life has cleared out all the things that weren't working for me. Now I can start over and make the right things happen.

Anybody have any thoughts? Suggestions? Dealing with the same thing?

[quit-once]

Cassie,

Are you sure your job workload has declined or does it just seem that way because you are no longer amped-up on adderall? In my case, my workload did not change one bit after quitting, but it sure got a lot easier to get more things done with way less effort when I was NOT strung out every morning because of dopamine depletion. Consider yourself lucky to have a not-very-demanding job in your early recovery period. My advice is to go with the slow flow until you get that first year of recovery under your belt, even if you feel like you need a new challenge now. If you have energy to burn, go get a fun part-time job for the summer - like mowing lawns or bartending or something you might even enjoy.

InRecovery: Congrats on taking that test. You have been working toward that goal ever since I met you here last summer. And good on you for trying again if you can get a better score. Never quit trying.

[Greg]

Thanks Quit-Once,

While I'm not thrilled about the exam results, I am happy I got myself to take it. Preparing for the exam has been my main post quitting project. I had a few panic attacks the week before and the week of. And I couldn't sleep the night before the test. Nor could I sleep very well in the days before. My adrenaline was pumping without any adderall.. I couldn't sleep, I was not hungry and I was fueled on adrenaline from pure nerves. My panic was fueled by reading extremely panic-y people on GMAT message boards, lol. You wouldn't believe how freaked out people get from this exam...

It was weird, like I was on adderall (but not on adderall). Only it was a miserable feeling that brought back all these memories of being awake for days, with absolutely nothing in my stomach except caffeine and cigarettes. I even had some cravings for nicotine again - suddenly one year after quitting. All I can say is that this time around, it was a terrible feeling. And I'm not sure how I could have idealized those feelings when I was on adderall, during the twelve years or so I was, I guess, you could say, enjoying feeling like that every day...

Before the exam, not once did I think about taking adderall to get me through it. I did though think about how crazy it was that I wasn't thinking about taking adderall all the time, given the stress of the whole ordeal. If I was still taking adderall, I would have been taking the stuff by the handfuls to get through each passing hour leading up to the exam. Ugh.

Well, I'm going to give it another whirl. After reading some message boards from people who got my score the first time, a lot say that it is possible for me to perhaps get the required score the second time around. I'm not really feeling too hopeful, but I guess I will give it another shot. I guess it just doesn't hurt. Thanks for the encouragement.

[Cassie]

I definitely don't do as much work as I did on Adderall. On Adderall I was always volunteering for extra projects and doing work related research, which now I don't. I only do the bare minimum. And yes, I find that I do many things faster now and with less effort. On Adderall I could spend an hour composing an email that off Adderall takes me five minutes because I'm not poring over it, wondering if what I've written makes sense.

Basically I'm really bored at work, do the bare minimum, and have a perpetual low level anxiety that I'm not doing enough. That anxiety keeps me from enjoying any free time, because I'm constantly thinking (in the back of my mind) that I'm going to get fired. It's a really frustrating cycle of boredom and anxiety. I think I'm just going to start sending my resume out, and if I can't find anything better I'll just stay where I'm at for a while.

Cassie