Please help...28 days sober and ready to let it go

[holden]

Hi everyone,

Thank you so much for this forum. It has helped me tremendously through this process, although I am at fault for not using it even more. I turned 27 on April 6th, 2012 and allowed myself one last weekend of Adderall with friends and parties and then spent Monday saying goodbye (aka chain smoking, drinking 40s, and snorting my last pills). The panic leading up to that point was crazy. I knew how big of a decision it was that I was making. It had been a wild ride since September 2008, a fast life with extraordinary highs and moments of being totally tuned in to life, followed by one longass fall down. Ruined friendships, unemployment, severe bouts with depression, alcohol/adderall unlimited binges, and the constant search for a greater high which seemed like a very distant memory.

As I said, the months leading up to my decision were fraught with panic but I prepared as best I could. I started doing yoga and Pilates, enrolled in a massage program, and began to eat really healthy foods. But I was already mourning the loss of “my precious†and was drinking heavily. I felt really out of control and knew I was making the right decision. Since losing my job, my temporary insurance wouldn’t cover the visit to the psychiatrist that loved to dole out my pills, only a visit to the primary care physician who really hated them. Trying to rationalize my pill use to her is scary enough, I get all red in the face, feel like I’m being interrogated, I know I’m lying.

Anyway, I’ve made it through now and this is the 28th day. I’ve been taking L-Tyrosine and all the right supplements, staying hydrated, sleeping lots, slowly exercising again. The adderall dreams are gone now. I no longer have a deathly pallor. I’m in college, however, and I definitely haven’t done anything in a month. I am so behind. It’s overwhelming even thinking about it. I don’t know how to get motivation anymore and a friend/classmate who I have given the “magic blue pill†to before urged me to think about getting more, not just for him, not to be a pusher, but because maybe that’s what I need to get through the doldrums of this last year of my 10 year bachelor degree.

I wish he hadn’t planted that seed. Immediately I saw how rational that was! Just this year, bang it out, and then quit and deal with it then, when it’s not such an urgent juncture in my lie. But what am I really dealing with here? Really it’s myself and my issues…if it doesn’t stop now, it’s just going to get harder. What if I go to grad school? What if my very patient and loving husband and I have kids? What about at a new job, if I ever feel that I can work again? When will I not have an excuse to be an exquisitely confident, over achieving, high performing superwoman? Not that I was really any of those things, but it sure seemed like I was. I wanted to quit for some reason and I’m beginning to forget what that reason was. Maybe it was the mania, the urges to drink and smoke, the crazy sleep cycles, the procrastination, the feeling of slavery to the ups and downs of the pills. Seems pale in comparison to the image I have in my mind of the glorious clarity and efficiency, the ease of waking up to yet another successful and effortlessly driven day.

I’m finally past the point of digging through my car and drawers to find a stray pill, not like I ever let a pill stray of course. But now I’m at the point of rationalizing that yeah, great, I took a month off. I don’t really need to quit right now. I can postpone it and now I really know what I’m dealing with. Just in time to bang out all the rest of the work required to finish this quarter successfully. This is sounding really good and now I don’t even know why I’m posting this because I should just call my doctor and blissfully relapse, deal with the guilt later, after all the papers and projects are caught up with. But I’m still going to post this, so I’m obviously looking from something from you guys, the only people that truly understand what this is I’m going through. All my biggest accomplishments in my teens and adulthood happened when I wasn’t on Adderall…why can’t I see that? Why is it all I think about whenever it’s time to clean, to write, to read, to do anything besides sit around and eat and sleep and watch TV. Please help.

[EV-OO]

I can relate to the panic you felt as you prepared for your first day without Adderall. I feel like the people who are able to flush a full bottle of pills down the toilet are the ones that have come to a healthy place in their minds with the idea of parting with Adderall. I can't imagine being able to calmly flush my pills down the toilet. I have a million excuses why I can't quit right now. The only time I feel able to quit is when I have no other choice, and that is never a pleasant realization. Life won't stop or get easier and present an ideal time to quit. I think its something that changes on the inside that cements the decision. I don't know what b/c I haven't fully experienced that. I've had days where I feel good without Adderall, it gives me hope. But I know I'm not ready to quit this month, maybe next month. I just wish I could keep from abusing them....that panic from running out, watching the clock for my next dose...waiting for the high to kick in. That's where my troubles with the drug lies. I give you major props for going 28 days without...I can't imagine going more than a weekend. So, focus on what you have accomplished on your own already. We grow by overcoming obstacles. Keep taking the tyrosine, and working out and eating healthy foods...I think you are more than capable to handle all that life throws at you, just don't lose sight of that. Pump yourself up.

[Cassie]

Hey Holden,

If this is your first time trying to quit don't beat yourself up too much if you relapse. It sounds like you are on the verge. The first time I tried to quit I went two months and relapsed. The second time was much easier because I learned from the first time. I prepared myself better - had more of a plan and was just more mentally prepared. I was ready to say fuck my obligations - this is more important. I remember freaking out that I was going to get fired at work for being such a slacker. But you know what? I don't think anyone even noticed. Adderall sure made me feel like I was being productive, but really I was just doing stupid projects and wasting time with busywork.

I think if you're really ready to quit you won't feel that much anxiety in the first month. It will feel more like relief - then the anxiety comes later, like in the second, third, fourth month. That's how it was with me anyway. I guess what I'm trying to say is that when you're really ready to quit, quitting will come first, and you'll figure out how to fulfill your other obligations as you go along. You also need a lot of patience and the ability to be kind to yourself. Adderall made me a huge bitch all around, but I was especially mean to myself while on Adderall and after quitting. Once I stopped being so mean to myself the quitting process got a lot easier. It will take many months to regain your confidence and motivation, but it will happen. I am five months of Adderall today and I feel 100 times better than I felt at one month.

Cassie