Different situation but same evil drug - Help

[brittkitt]

I am brand new to this site out of desperation. I have been struggling with adderall addiction for more than a year and I cannot stop taking it. I do not have ADD; a previous doctor prescribed the evil shit to me about 2 1/2 years ago because I was working a lot and concerned about staying up late.

I am in recovery from heroin, pills, cocaine and alchohol since September 2008. Have not touched any of those drugs since. My boyfriend is also in recovery - he has almost 3 years sober. My adderall addiction escalated last summer, my boyfriend left countless times after finding out I was still taking it. In December 2011, after he thought I had been off of it for four months, he found a script. He left again, we spent Christmas apart. It was agonizing. I decided to go to rehab (my 16th time in rehab) because I knew I could not stop. After spending 25 days in rehab, I returned home and tried resume a normal life, but I could NOT STOP thinking about adderall. With about 60 some days clean, I went back to the doctor and got another script. Now I am lying AGAIN - to everyone - while acting as if I am clean. If my boyfriend found out the consequences would be horrible, not to mention how incredibly hurt he would be. He was devasted the last time he found out I was still taking it, and now I am doing the same thing again??? What the hell is wrong with me? I am an ADDICT and I cannot stop. I have already gone to treatment, I am seeing a therapist to try and get through this, I am on Wellbutrin, what else can I do? Any feedback is greatly appreciated...THANK YOU

Britt

[Jonny5]

Hmmm.... Ask for feedback on the internet and you'll get some, even though it's from a random person with nothing invested in your situation. Take it for what it's worth - not much. You probably won't like this.

Quitting:

1. You have to want to quit. It's not the same as "wanting to want" to quit. For me, the pain of continuing was clearly worse than the pain of quitting. Result: A year off amphetamines and 5 months from everything else.

2. Give Adderall it's place. You like it a lot sometimes. It makes you feel good and gives you "energy". It's not all bad. It's just not always good for you, me, and lots of other people. It's not a person or a disease, it's a thing.

3. Write a letter to the doctor(s) that give it to you. Call them while the letter's in the mail. Tell them you're abusing them and not to prescribe any more to you. They won't. If you're hesitant to cut yourself off, then it means that you really don't want to quit, simple as that. This is about you, so be honest here. If you don't want to stop, don't. Adjust your life accordingly.

You should be able to do all this in 30 minutes or so. Congratulations!! You have now quit, or should I say quit "trying" to quit.

4. Take a nap or a walk or something else relaxing. That's enough for one day. You can deal with your relationship, therapists, and all the rest of it later.

I'm not trying to be a jerk, really. I went to a rehab, and a detox, and all the rest of it. I can relate to the cycle of being in "recovery" and "going out", I don't know what screwed me up worse, the drugs or the "cure". I want other people to know that they CAN do it, and it is simple.

Hope to hear back from you soon.

Jon

[brittkitt]

Hey Jon,

Thank you SO much for your response. You said I probably would not like what you had to say, but actually, it helped me and I need to hear things like this.

I do want to quit; I just have to do it. Everytime my script starts running low I tell myself I will be fine when it runs out but then end up scheming until I have it again.

Obviously I want to quit "trying" to quit or I would not be on a website dedicated to people who are addicted to adderall and I would not be seeing a therapist who is trying to help me deal with trying to quit.

What did you do to quit? Congratulations on your one year clean from adderall and your three months from everything else. Addiction sucks...

Thank you for helping...

Hmmm.... Ask for feedback on the internet and you'll get some, even though it's from a random person with nothing invested in your situation. Take it for what it's worth - not much. You probably won't like this.

Quitting:

1. You have to want to quit. It's not the same as "wanting to want" to quit. For me, the pain of continuing was clearly worse than the pain of quitting. Result: A year off amphetamines and 5 months from everything else.

2. Give Adderall it's place. You like it a lot sometimes. It makes you feel good and gives you "energy". It's not all bad. It's just not always good for you, me, and lots of other people. It's not a person or a disease, it's a thing.

3. Write a letter to the doctor(s) that give it to you. Call them while the letter's in the mail. Tell them you're abusing them and not to prescribe any more to you. They won't. If you're hesitant to cut yourself off, then it means that you really don't want to quit, simple as that. This is about you, so be honest here. If you don't want to stop, don't. Adjust your life accordingly.

You should be able to do all this in 30 minutes or so. Congratulations!! You have now quit, or should I say quit "trying" to quit.

4. Take a nap or a walk or something else relaxing. That's enough for one day. You can deal with your relationship, therapists, and all the rest of it later.

I'm not trying to be a jerk, really. I went to a rehab, and a detox, and all the rest of it. I can relate to the cycle of being in "recovery" and "going out", I don't know what screwed me up worse, the drugs or the "cure". I want other people to know that they CAN do it, and it is simple.

Hope to hear back from you soon.

Jon

[Jonny5]

Last year when I was in a position that's maybe similar to yours, I was reading a forum about people quitting meth. Some went on talked about 12 step programs, rehabs, families, partners, etc. One guy wrote:

"10 months clean, thanks jail!" And he stayed clean so he didn't have to go back. It can be that simple.

My quitting of drugs and alcohol is kinda sorta similar, minus the 10 months jail. Good thing I went from being homeless to earning a very large income in just a couple months, because I have lots of debt and a few defense lawyers to pay. I can post the whole thing or you can pm me, but my story is probably only interesting to me.

Do you keep a prescription for most of a month? If you don't go on week long benders or mess up your health, maybe you should stay on them. You're not breaking a law, so what business is it of your boyfriends? Get another one. Don't let someone work out their hangups on you or keep you as a hostage. Or, if it's just that good of a relationship, and one his tics is that the important people in his life have to be completely clean, then he takes priority. Quit.

I had a therapist once who asked me questions like this - basically what do you want? You don't have to impress anyone, and not everything you want has to be "good". Shame and guilt are lousy motivators anyway.

[brittkitt]

Meth was the best drug I ever did, next to ecstacy. Thank God I could not find meth in my area or I don't even want to think about what would have happened. Was that your DOC (drug of choice)?

My use is not anywhere near what it was before I went to rehab - in fact right now I am tapering my dose and almost down to one 20 mg pill per day. What bothers me the most is how devastated my boyfriend was when he discovered I had been lying to him for months on end...he left, again, and I decided to go to rehab. As I said in my first post, this was my 16th fucking time in rehab. I thought that after everything I went through leading up to rehab, plus being there once again and really wanting (at the time) to stay off of it. But I didn't.

I have quit everything else so I know I can quit this shit, but everytime I have been completely clean from everything, I have wanted that "majic pill". Adderall is the majic pill. I took it as prescribed for almost 2 years and then out of the blue I realized how many were gone from my script in a very short period of time.

Do you attend NA or AA? I have been in and out of AA for 15 years...I choose AA over NA because of long term sobriety. NA tends to be much younger kids (I'm 40) who are really not serious about getting clean. At least around Philly - that is my experience.. The reason I ask is because anyone in AA will tell you that if you put any substance in your body you begin the phenomenon of craving. I can buy that to a certain extent, but if I were to tell anyone in AA that I started taking this again, they would immediately tell me that it will only get worse, not better. Well, I have proven that it is getting better, not worse. I do not agree with some of

opinions of some of my fellow AA people

Being homeless is quite an eye opener as it seems you are familiar with. I was homeless when I lived in Florida and addicted to crack. It sucked and I never want to go through that again. How did you land the great job?

I am not even going to get into my job...I am trying VERY hard to find another job because my boss is insane. She is verbally abusive, belittling and disrespectful. Far from the company I like to keep and also somewhat of an excuse to keep taking this shit.

Yes, one of my boyfriend's requirements in his girlfriend is for me to be completely clean. I respect that.

I just have to fucking do it.

Your thoughts on my current dosage?

Last year when I was in a position that's maybe similar to yours, I was reading a forum about people quitting meth. Some went on talked about 12 step programs, rehabs, families, partners, etc. One guy wrote:

"10 months clean, thanks jail!" And he stayed clean so he didn't have to go back. It can be that simple.

My quitting of drugs and alcohol is kinda sorta similar, minus the 10 months jail. Good thing I went from being homeless to earning a very large income in just a couple months, because I have lots of debt and a few defense lawyers to pay. I can post the whole thing or you can pm me, but my story is probably only interesting to me.

Do you keep a prescription for most of a month? If you don't go on week long benders or mess up your health, maybe you should stay on them. You're not breaking a law, so what business is it of your boyfriends? Get another one. Don't let someone work out their hangups on you or keep you as a hostage. Or, if it's just that good of a relationship, and one his tics is that the important people in his life have to be completely clean, then he takes priority. Quit.

I had a therapist once who asked me questions like this - basically what do you want? You don't have to impress anyone, and not everything you want has to be "good". Shame and guilt are lousy motivators anyway.

[Jonny5]

No. I never used meth. Good thing. If I'd smoked or injected it once or twice, that would have been the end of me. Meth is a bad scene, what with all the violence and it being so illegal. Or a person can go to a doctor and get the same basic thing. Go figure.

My amphetamine use started with adderall and ended with dexedrine. Dexedrine was my favorite. I've had relationships with lots of drugs, but amphetamines and strong opiates were the two I got the most out of.. and that took the most from me.

My opinions on your dose are, once again, from some random person, etc. Go ask a pharmacist or doctor for real professional advice. A pharmacist or ER doctor would be your best bet. Seriously, just walk into a pharmacy other than your regular one when it isn't busy and the pharmacist will usually talk you ear off about these things.

20mg a day isn't very much at all, and is right in the middle of the therapeutic range. A person could take that for years and and not physically be much worse for it if their heart was healthy to start with.

Florida.. yuck. 17 years I lived there. Moved up to rhode island last june. I was livng in a state detox there and was homeless up here. If a person is going to be on the street, providence in the summer isn't that bad.

I went UF and studied engineering, which I didn't complete after almost 5 years. I spent too much time learning how to use factory equipment to make parts for a race car. Then I got a couple jobs working as a machinist. Now there's a huge machinist shortage. So I got the job by NOT doing my homework in school, and I earn more than if I were working as an engineer. Dumb luck.

You'll can get a better job. I just know it. And so do you

AA/NA. No way and never again. I was introduced to that in rehab and that was a 3 year mindfuck. Couldn't stay clean for even a month, and it confused me and made feel guilty, almost suicidally. Sitting around talking about drinking and drugs for an hour everyday really got me wanting to drink and use. Now I stop by every month or so to get a chip and keytag... out of spite.

Yeah, lots of people learn to moderate. Most people quit on their own, like they always have. Addiction isn't a disease, and for chrissake, take some credit for quitting heroin and crack. God or AA didn't do that, you did. These are the kinds of things you intuitively know are true and which you have to lie to yourself about in 12 step groups.

Jon

[brittkitt]

Damn, you hit the nail on the head with your interpretation of AA/NA...I am so sick of going. It's not that I feel like drinking or using when I am there (maybe if I were to go to NA, which is part of the reason I don't)but because I am sick of feeling guilty for not going all the time like I used to, blah, blah.

You should email me at britt3235@gmail.com...makes it a lot easier. I have limited time at the moment and last week my boyfriend was away for a few days which is why I could access this site more frequently. Anyway, hit me up on the gmail if you like...it will be easier to respond...