4 Relapses - 117 days clean today (longest time yet)

[LILTEX41]

Hi everyone. I took adderall for 6 years. I quit for 3 months back when I first found this website (September 2008). If you go the section of this website titled, "Your Challenge", you'll see I was the very first post Mike ever had. My name is Erin. Anyhow, I knew I couldn't stop adderall without stopping everything, so I was sober for 3 months. Peer pressure took over and I couldn't remain in the same lifestyle I'd been in without using. I went back on adderall and started drinking again. 3 months later I left my fiance in Feb 2009 because he was too scared to marry me. This was my 1st attempt.

I moved to Houston in April 2009 for my job. I moved into my own apartment. My adderall addiction spun out of control. In June 2009 to make things worse, I was given a bad batch of adderall. http://www.aboutlawsuits.com/generic-adderall-recall-barr-dextroamphetamine-amphetamine-5459/

I didn't know the 20mg pills I'd been prescribed were actually @ 60-80mg pills. I almost died because of those pills. I didn't eat or sleep for 4 days straight. They made me a paranoid schizophrenic and I thought there were bugs hopping off my skin and all over the place. It's the most insane story anyone will ever hear. This I can promise you, but it's too long to tell. I ended up in the emergency room after calling an ambulance to come get me. I was stranded with bugs hopping off my skin (or at least that's what I thought) at a Valero gas station. It was horrible. I ended up in a psych ward. I promised to go to rehab and they released me. I was adderall free from June 2009 - January 2010. This was my second attempt.

January 2010, pharmacy calls. They tell me the pills I overdosed on where actually super potent. I became enraged and hoped to file a lawsuit. I then rationalized the incident with my friends and that it wasn't my fault. 4 days later I called my doc to get a refill.

From January 2010 - July 2010 I became severly addicted. I became frail once again. I was binge drinking, smoking pot, and popping adds like candy on a daily basis. I'd do coke at times when adderall wasn't available or whatever else came around. I was also smoking nearly a pack of cigarettes a day. Off adderall, I'd just completed a half marathon November 2009. My addictions returned with greater intensity than ever. Then in April 2010 I slammed my car into a hwy flat median and blew out all four tires right after I'd taken half a 30mg orange pill my friend gave me while we were out having a couple drinks (i'd been out for two weeks). I was so jittery and paranoid about driving I didn't see the curb/median in front of me and slammed into it going 50mph. I'm lucking I didn't get a DUI. I thought I was in control. I wasn't.

By June 2010 I was so tweaked out and such a mess that I actually let some jerk I'd met at a bar move in with me. I'd known him for a week. This was scary, but I was so out of my mind on adderall and everything else that it felt like the right thing to do. I ran out of adderall 2 weeks early. Him and his friend conned me into loaning him $300 for 100 30mg pills of adderall. I gave his friend the money and never saw it again or the pills. I kicked him out of my apartment. He was starting to get violent. My other little friend was also a raging mess. The same week I picked her up from jail after she did a 360 on the highway drunk and almost died. Her bf had been beating her up and locked her out of his house. My life was a complete wreck. During this time I'd also just been reclassified as a supervisor at work. How I kept all my life together without losing my job I'll never know. After the night of my gf's incident and kicking out what I thought was my bf, I drove home to Columbus, OH to sort out my life. I sobered up and stopped taking adderall. This was my 3rd attempt to quit. The date was July 10th, 2010. I returned to Houston a week later.

I started running immediately and working out. I was able to complete a long run of 9 miles within 3 months and then I relapsed. I got stressed out from work. I was lonely. I relapsed on alcohol for a week. I said it was just a one time deal. Then I thought well I've already ruined all my clean time. What's one more day of drinking. About a week later I was so depressed I'd failed, I figured at least with adderall I'll be able to go to work and do something right.

I picked up my script on 10-14-2010. November 8th I landed back in the emergency room for my 2nd overdose. I was transported to a psych unit...then to a 7 day detox. They diagnosed me as bipolar. I'm not bipolar. I'm addicted to drugs and alchol. This is my 4th attempt to quit. I'm 117 days sober today.

Let this be the last time I ever have to stop again. I worry that I may not have another recovery in me again.

Oh, and finally...adderall dreams. I swear I've had one every night for the past week. I think I've relapsed and then I wake up. I actually see the orange pill. It's typically always somebody sneaking one to me. They scare me.

Good luck and god bless everyone trying to quit adderall. If you've ever relapsed, don't feel bad. You're not alone. Together we can all fight this and beat it. I will be a success story and I am a success story. That's how I roll today. Much love to ya'll!

Erin

[quit-once]

Wow. I just found this post and read it for the first time today. LilTex, you have quite a story. I didn't realize you have struggled with addiction and relapse so many times. A sincere congratulations to you for keeping it together for the last 2+ years!

[lea]

That was intense! LilTex you have always been an inspiration to me. Regardless of when this post was was posted I will always have tremendous gratitude for your words - xo.

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

Thank you for posting this. Sounds like adderall completely changed you to be the complete opposite of the woman you really are. It must make you grateful for each day.

I know it does for me; it's a nice feeling.

And thanks for being here on this forum and being such an encouragement for others. Really awesome.

[LILTEX41]

Awe, you guys are awesome!!! I don't know what I'd do without all of you!! I am so thankful to Mike and this board as you guys are truly the only ones who understand and help keep me motivated to stay sober. I pray for a strong lifelong recovery for each and every one of you. Hugs my dear friends!!!