I feel SO horrible..

[fight.this.]

I haven't been taking adderall for two weeks, and before that I was only taking it once or twice a week to do school work at most. I've gained ten pounds and I just feel like it's the end of the world. I can't seem to gain any will power back with my diet or school. I keep eating chocolate and cookies because I had forgotten what it's like to taste food. After going off of adderall after three or four years, it's like I'm ravenous for sweets. I think part of it is because my appetite is back full force, but I think the other part is because the chocolate makes me feel better. Since adderall depleted my dopamine, I'm really depressed and the chocolate lifts me up. I'm substituting chocolate instead of adderall and it's ruining me. I've always been concerned about my weight...to an extreme. I was 92 lbs. I'm really short, but I was super skinny. Now I'm gross and when I weighed myself today, I couldn't help but burst into tears. I'm so angry at myself.

I don't think I'm ready to go off adderall. My life is falling apart in crumbles all around me. I'm doing crap in my summer classes, and now I'm chubby. My room is a mess when it always was perfectly clean. I can't make myself do anything. I'm always sad. I can't do this. I thought I could, but this ten pound weight gain has made me almost suicidal. I no longer feel good about myself. I'm lonely all the time because I broke it off with my five year relationship...I have one friend. That's it. And she's super busy. I've got nothing. At least before I felt pretty and thin and was doing great in school. I seriously have nothing going for me anymore. The only plus about being off of adderall is I've been able to live more as a spiritual being which is really important to me...but I can meditate both on and off adderall. I'm itching to call my family doctors office tomorrow and fill my three month prescription. I have two tests to study for this week and a bunch of math to catch up on. I'm a lazy slob now. Useless. I need those pills. I know that's the addiction talking, but I can't let my life burn to ashes. I know I'm going to regret taking them again. It's inevitable. I keep telling myself that I'll only take them until I've lost the ten pounds, and then I'll get off them and work out everyday and eat healthy...but I haven't been able to do that now. What makes me think I'll be able to once I shed the pounds? I'm nothing without adderall...at least that's what it feels like right now. And my good grades are and will go down the drain if I remain sober. To top all things off, I fell madly in love with some guy that has a fiance. Not that that has anything to do with adderall..but it's just added to everything...to the pressure of being thin..to succeed...to be in a good light and in his good graces, even though I'm just a good for nothing junkie and he's better off without me anyhow. Everything is piling up. I'm at a breaking point. I just needed to vent. Sorry I went off on a rant. I've lost hope in quitting and I hate myself. That was probably an awful read to get through.

[Serena]

Hey,

Just wanted to say you are not alone! Two weeks is a long time to be free from Adderall, so congrats. I know how hard it is, I can really relate to most of what you said. I struggle with self-esteem, weight issues and Adderall accentuated my need to be "perfect." I have tried to stay away from Adderall but I find myself randomly going back to it, after being sober for 7 1/2 months. Before that I took it straight for 6 years. So needless to say, I know it is hard to stay away! What has helped me is to be really gentle with myself. I realized I have treated my body very harshly over the years and have always been underweight. So now I am trying to feed myself three meals a day and be nice to myself. I am my own harshest critic and judging myself about an Adderall slip does not help me. What I find helpful is to hold myself accountable to people in my real life and online. If you really know Adderall makes your life horrible, you will be able to stop. You can do well in life and school without Adderall. Adderall is evil and you do not need to rely on a pill. You are worthwhile all on your own, you just have to find yourself again; sober. You can do this! Why not try to hold yourself accountable on here? That's what I plan to do and I want to kick this addiction in the balls for good.

Blessed be,

Serena