Eating disorder and Adderall Addiction DAY 1

[Addiejunkie]

I am not quite sure where to start... but here is my story

Throughout high school I was always labeled as someone fun, outgoing, free spirited, optomistic and lastly smart. I had to work for my good grades but I had good grades. With just enough coffee I was able to pull all nighters and get the straight A's that I had graduated with. I was confident in my intellegence, spiritual, full of goals and hopes. Bottom line is I didnt have ADD or ADHD nor do I have it now...But over the years I have convinced my doctor, friends and myself that I had all the symptoms and needed Adderall as a means of coping with everyday life and accomplishing routine tasks.

Growing up in a very slim household I was picked on for being chubby. They joked around about my weight often and gave me nicknames associated with being overweight. Even though I never weighed enough to even be considered obese all of this inevitebly lead to a false image, low self esteem and finally at 19 an eating disorder. My 19th summer I lost 20 pounds in less then a 2 month span by starving myself. I drank water to surpress my hunger, started chain smoking and dank coffee in order to give me energy. For the first time ever after the weight loss..I was being complimented on my curvy figure, I was told how beautiful I looked and had landed the attention of guys who wouldn't have given me the time of day months before. I walked around with self worth and for the first time I found myself happy about my body and who I was. My hapinesses has since been determined by the number on the scale. Which in turn...esceladed into an addiction that I am struggeling to overcome now.

During college I maintained a respectable 3.0. I couldve done better had I applied myself more but I was far more intrigued with my newfound social and love life. One of my friends during finals week introduced me to something that sounded like a god sent pill that would help me tackle my school work. And as promised..it was! I completed all my tasks plus some and to add to all of that it was enjoyable. One pill led to a couple of more, which led to some more and before I knew it I was at my doctors fully convinced that I needed these pills to function. That same day I was handed a script and an aswer to all of my problems. More importantly an answer to all of my weight problems because during my experimentation days I discovered how easy it was to starve myself for days while just taking a small dosage. My tolerence grew as did the mg consumed per day. However, my school work started to suffer. I could concentrate on topics for hours but could not remember anything. My bubbly personality suffered greatly as well, I started to become more awkward and paranoid with the increased dosage. I started failing my classes and losing motivation to even attend. I had also developed a cleaning OCD where I couldn't study untill I cleaned my room so I spent hours polishing selves organizing my closet even doing laundry or going to the store to purchase supplies that I "needed" in order to do my class work. I feel that I've become more stupid by taking the medication cause of how spaced out I would become. I also would have episodes of being highly motivated one day to get everything done and the next day depressed. I spent hours googeling random information on my pc or my cell phone. When I wasnt doing that I was deeply over analyzing my relationships and constantly thinking that everyone was out to get me. I also started drinking heavily cause I was able to stay up later which led me to blacking out almost everytime I went out. This led to terrible decisions that made me question my self worth and self respect. There was an excuse for everything in life and I had the concentration to spend the right amount of time to figure one out for each situations. Emotionless, unhappy,paranoid, manic, bi polar, and hopelessness are all the side effects that I am experiencing but ...I haven't been able to give up on the little demon pill because of my terrible fear of gaining weight so I keep taking more ...somehow my eating disorder has become intertwined with my addiction with adderall.

Today is the first day of my oath to self to stop once and for all after two years of abusing the medication. I will be myself again, I am ready to be myself again and I no longer want to give myself excuses. I flushed the remainder of my pills (40 some(20 mg x's a day)) and to my surprise it was almost a relief. Regardless of whether I like it or not I am going to have to endure the next 20 days without. I dont know what struggles lay ahead but I will keep you updated along with my symptoms and the struggles that I am goin to have to combat.