The Two Month Itch

Cassie · March 18, 2011

I started taking Adderall recreationally around age 24. A friend at work had a prescription (he is one of those people who truly needs the drug - he is literally the poster child for ADHD). I would take a pill here and there to make the workday more fun, or to party on a Saturday night. During that time, I remember thinking how much I liked taking Adderall occasionally, but how I wouldn't want to take it everyday because it was too intense for a daily regimen.

Two years later, it became a daily regimen. I had originally gone to a psych doctor for anxiety and extreme daytime fatigue, and after being put on a couple of antidepressants that had no effect on my mood, my doctor suggested I try a drug called 'Adderall.' I almost broke into song and dance right there in the office, but I played it cool and pretended I'd never heard of it. "Adderall, you say? Well, if you really think it'll help, I guess it's worth a shot." I was so excited that I'd manage to fanagle a prescription for Adderall, I jumped for joy as soon as I was out of my doctor's sight.

The first year-and-a-half on Adderall was the honeymoon phase. I had just started a new job, was beginning an online grad school program, and everything seemed to be falling into place. I had also met an amazing guy while on vacation and started a long distance relationship with him. Normally, I don't believe in long distance relationships, but I felt he was my soulmate so I was willing to give it a shot (I was right - he's now my husband!).

After about two years, I started getting really sick of my job and the company, so I quit. I wasn't too worried about getting another job right away because I was in school and could live off my student loans for awhile if need be. This is when I started heavily abusing Adderall. For the next six months, I got high all day while getting absolutely nothing accomplished as far as school or job searches were concerned. The days and months just flew by. Off Adderall, I never would have gone so long without a job (I have a mortgage to pay), but I didn't care about working when I had Adderall to occupy my days. So, I just took out more student loans when I needed the money and sat around the house every day, thinking about doing lots of stuff but never taking any action. During this time, I was exremely lonely and depressed. I was home alone all day, unemployed, and my boyfriend was in another country. So, I took continuously higher doses. By this time I had switched to Vyvanse, and most days I would take around 60mg daily when I was prescribed 30mg. Some days I would take 45mg, some days I would try and mix the dosage to 40 or 50. In retrospect, I think playing around with my daily dosages like an amateur pharmacist was the most exciting part of being on the drug.

Anyway, over the course of six months or so when I was unemployed, my dosages got higher, and I became increasingly depressed, anxious, anti-social and paranoid. I thought this was due to being unemployed and lonely and missing my boyfriend. It never once dawned on me that these personality changes could be caused by the Vyvanse I was popping like candy every day.

When I finally got a new job, I took my addiction down a notch and took regularly prescribed doses so I could function like a normal human being at work instead of a paranoid freak. But after a while, my dosage started creeping up. I finally started seeing the connection between Adderall and the things I didn't like about my personality. I used to be really laid back and didn't care what anyone thought of me because I was naturally confident. I was never an extraverted person to begin with, but on Adderall I had become completely anti-social. I'd overthink every comment to the point where I couldn't have natural, free-flowing conversations with other humans. I was overly self-conscious and paranoid talking to people. I didn't like this tweaked out, emotionless, humorless person I had become, and I finally realized that this crappy version of myself was due to Adderall. Finally.

So, I told my doctor I wanted to taper down in dosage and go from 40mgs (of Vyvanse) a day to 30, then 20, then maybe try to quit altogether.I was okay at 30mgs, but when I went down to 20 it didn't feel like enough and I always took more. (This is why weaning hasn't worked for me thus far. I'd rather take a large dose or none at all. I mean really, what's the point of being only slighly high?) By this time, my boyfriend had moved in with me and we were married (we needed to get married right away for immigration purposes - he's Canadian). He knew about my Adderall addiction and supported me getting off of it. He likes me much better off Adderall. I wasn't on the drug when we met, so he knew that the real person underneath was preferable to the tweaked out, crazy version he saw most days.

I quit cold turkey for a month here and there but always went back for another prescription because I was a zombie at work and couldn't deal with it. My job is not fast-paced, so it's hell off Adderall, and I wasn't confident I could ever handle that misery for a prolonged period of time. However, the real tipping point came about two months ago. I was tweaked out on a large dose of Vyvanse and was at a bar with my husband. We got into a huge fight on the way home and he flat-out said that he wanted to go back to Canada because he didn't know who I was anymore. That scared me straight. Crying and screaming, I ripped up my next two months prescriptions and, in a scene reminiscent of a Lifetime movie, dramatically threw them in the trash with my husband triumphantly cheering me on. 'Screw work!' I said. I need to quit to save my marriage! I'll never be able to forgive myself if I end up divorced because I chose drugs over my husband of four months!

Here we are today. I've been off Adderall for two months now. I am struggling with work, depression and extreme fatigue. I almost feel like the first month was easier than the second. I feel more tired and unmotivated than ever, even though I eat healthy and jog almost daily. Diet, exercise, vitamins and caffeine don't seem to ever make a difference with my energy level. I'm getting discouraged because I thought I would start feeling better as time went by. Sadly, I'm not.

The reason I was drawn to Adderall in the first place was because I love learning new things, but once I've mastered a skill I immediately get bored and need to move on to something else. At age 30, I've learned that this does not translate well into a career. I'll be really into a job for the first year, but once I know how to do it expertly and efficiently, I need a new one. I got bored on the Adderall as well, but at least the speed kept the days going fast and kept my mood up. I am highly intelligent but get bored extremely quickly. I have been like this my whole life. Adderall made me feel okay with that, but has changed my personality in too many negative ways to keep taking it. I can't jeopardize my relationship with my husband anymore, but I feel like a lazy, lame-ass person. I have many interests but no deep seated passions to drive my direction in life. I've thought about going to my doctor to get more so that this depression doesn't eat away at me. I need someone to talk me out of it. Any takers? :smile:

Thanks for reading,

Cassie

LILTEX41 · March 19, 2011

Cassie,

I know exactly what you mean. I not only gave up adderall, but I was put on a number of downers (seroquel, lamotrig-something, and celexa). Talk about not being motivated! All I did was sleep for like the first two months. I hated it b/c the side effects of the new meds made me a zombie. Somehow, I've managed to get by and today I have 126 days clean. I know it sucks and it's hard as hell to hang in there, but I'm telling you, DON'T GIVE UP. The dawn is almost near. It will get easier, but give yourself as much time as you need to be lazy and unmotivated. It's not that we won't ever be productive or highly successful again, but there is a serious amount of time required (IMO) that is needed to get you to that point. Don't push yourself too hard. Everyone's journey is different. I am SO GRATEFUL for every single day I have clean (hence why i check my clean time everyday to know how many days I have). I don't know if you read my story or not, but this is my 4th attempt to quit adderall for good. I'm telling you - it NEVER gets better, only worse and worse. I was on it for 5 years straight and then once I moved away on my own wound up in the emergency room twice within about a year. Just hang in there and keep coming here to post how you're doing. I'm struggling with being tired, unmotivated to workout, and over eating. I was borderline anorexic while being an adderallic and now I'm struggling with my compulsiveness for food since I'm clean and sober from all alcohol and drugs. I know eventually I'll be able to fix that too, but for right now I'm putting one foot in front of the other to help get me to that point someday. I have every intention in the world of running marathons again, being a health nut, and achieving whatever it is that I decide I want (I haven't quite figured it out yet either), but I know the last thing on earth I need to do is go back to adderall. That would be like running back in the opposite direction and having to start all over again. I mean think about it this way. Do you want to be on adderall your whole life? Do you want to be alone and miserable? I used to think the problem was my ex. I realized in the end it was my addiction to adderall. We lived together 5 years and were engaged. He's now in Ohio and I'm in Houston. I promise you don't want to lose the love of your life for this drug. Stay clean now and live a happy fufilling life. You still get a second chance.

Best wishes,

Erin

Lilah · April 6, 2011

I don't have much time so I'm going to have to keep this brief... but I just wanted to quickly say that I experienced this too. Both at the two month mark and when I started a new stressful job slightly after the one year mark... so it sounds like you've got the double whammy going on. I've likened the two month itch to what happens after you break up with a partner that was bad for you- for the first month you remember all the good reasons why you left them, but over time the good memories become stronger than the bad ones and you forget why you did it, or at least you stop feeling it. Remember the feelings you had in your darkest hours on Adderall, focus on the bad, that should help. Also remember any job related benefit to starting Adderall again would only be temporary and ultimately probably result in you losing your health AND the job. Best of luck!

John · May 25, 2011

Yet another post that hits so close to home for me...except that I'm male. I had a job that essentially focuses on people! Financial recruiting to be specific...I mean all I do is form relationships in some way or another. Try doing that completely introverted on 110mg of Adderall with constant paranoia! It's no wonder I quit. I am glad to hear that you have made it two months now - you are an inspiration for me...I am on DAY 1 (ugh) and I know I have a long road ahead of me. No job, and lost the woman I love who I've been with the last 4 years. I'm devastated but am not going to let this little devil pill get the best of me! Anyway, I'm sidetracking at the moment (remember I have ADD haha) but you could consider using WELLBUTRIN XL. It has done wonders for me in the past and will make the transition way easier. It is sometimes used with people with Adult ADD, I know it doesn't work for everyone but is sure as hell worked for me in the past. One day I took it a long time ago when I was in my 4-year no Adderall phase and got so much accomplished in one day I thought to myself HOLY SHIT - this is possible. Also, you do not get a high from Wellbutrin and you don't gain weight, It doesn't feel like anything is in your system at all. You just feel normal, energetic, and ready to take on the world. It has been a godsend for me and I hope it will be for you too. If you have any questions for me be sure to ask me anytime!

Cassie · February 22, 2012

I just wanted to say a long overdue thank you for your replies. I ended up relapsing and took Adderall for another 9 months before quitting again. It has been a lot easier this time around since I knew more about what to expect. Also, when I quit before I wasn't really quitting for myself, I was quitting for my relationship. My husband, who is a very wise man, told me back then that unless I quit for myself and myself only, I was not really ready. He was right. This time has been infinitely easier because I really was ready this time - it was not a split decision. I am 73 days clean now, so past the point of where I relapsed last time. It has taken this long to finally feel like I have physical energy again. I could not have done it without this site, so thank you Mike, and to everyone who has read this and my other posts on the site.

Cassie

Cassie · April 10, 2012

I just wanted to update my original post - today is my fourth month anniversary of quitting Adderall for good! It has been really difficult and I still think about Adderall about 1000 times a day, but I feel improvements in my overall energy levels and motivation compared to two months ago. The hardest aspect of quitting for me is the general feeling of anhedonia. I'm just not really that interested in anything right now. I feel lost, like I don't know what my interests are at this point in my life. I hope it gets better over time. I went to a hot yoga class today and the instructor said something that resonated with my quitting Adderall. She said that when you do hot yoga, some days you feel good and some days you feel bad - you just have to trust the process. That inspires me to not get so down on the days I feel lousy and depressed and trust that the process of sobriety is working to make me stronger.

Cassie

Greg · April 10, 2012

Cassie, First off congratulations on 4 months!!

Also, I can TOTALLY, COMPLETELY relate to the "lost" feeling and the feelings you've described like the anhedonia!! The lost feeling eventually gives way to another feeling which is better, (but not 100 percent) with gradually more and more mental energy returning in stages... At least that is what it's been like from my experience.

I was really bad off when abusing. 250mgs+ during 72 hour binges in which I was always crushing and snorting it or at least chewing the capsules. Also I'd been using abusing for twelve years.

So I am not at 100 percent yet. But I definitely feel the mental energy returning. And I can at least "See" the light at the end of the tunnell, even though I'm not there yet. I feel I've moved passed the "lost" feeling stage into something else (??? dont know how to describe it, only that it's better) as I've continued to gain more "life experience" off of adderall.

Right now, I feel I have the most mental and physical energy since I quit adderall. And just from observing where the quitting process has taken me, I know that i will gain even more mental and physical energy down the road. I feel like when I quit adderall, my adrenal glands were fried - kaput. They were no longer able to pump out adrenalin on their own anymore. I feel like thats gotten a hellava lot better.

My mind seemed to put up a fight to want to be back on adderall a short while ago, in the form of daily intense cravings. But that has dissipated mostly now. (i am crossing my fingers, i think that is over) I hear it is normal for meth users to have a sudden onslought of intense cravings about a year out or so...I think for adderall this can also apply. At least in my case.

I quit 17 months ago. Which seems like a long time, but then again I remind myself how SERIOUS addictions are. And how difficult they are to beat. People going in and out of rehab. I mean look at all the celebrities who have succumbed to addiction? Heath Ledger, Amy Winehouse, Whitney Houston, Michael Jackson... It's not supposed to be easy, you know? I can't help feeling proud of myself for beating it. It's hard work. it's also a huge accomplishment.

Hang in there..We can do it...One day at a time.

Cassie · April 12, 2012

Thanks, InRecovery. The ongoing physical cravings are something that has really suprised me about this process. I will feel fine for a week or so, then the next day I will have an intense physical craving for Adderall. My body is just aching for it, screaming out for a dopamine boost. Then after a couple days I feel fine again. It's weird how these cravings come and go. I think it's my body making hormonal adjustments. It doesn't seem related to diet or exercise. Anyway, thanks for replying. I can't wait until I've been sober for 17 months!

Greg · April 12, 2012

Yeah, that's exactly what it was like for me. It's like the mind doesn't want to just drop it. It's so persistant. And you refuse to take it. And yet the mind wont give up on it. Sometimes the addiction stops nagging and then all of a sudden it comes roaring back. And I'm like - again??? c'mon...

I mentioned this before, after quitting it felt like living in a state of "being extremely busy not being on adderall all the time"...

Sometimes I catch myself unknowingly daydreaming about being back on it again - and then i literally just snap myself out of it. Like I've awoken from hypnosis or something.

Sometimes I think, "you know things would be easier if I just took..." then I suddenly catch myself and start yelling at myself for having the same train of thought that got me into so much addiction trouble in the first place. I was someone who always wanted to reach for the quick fix or the easy way out, didn't want to struggle or deal with imperfection. I'm determined to no longer be that way. I'm determined to take pride in and enjoy being a person who just deals with what life throws at me and doesn't reach for something to deal with life.

I read somewhere that it's a good idea to yell at your drug cravings and prevent them from taking control of you. That hasn't really worked for me, but I have taken an aggressive stance with my cravings in how I respond to them. Whether it's reading my list of reasons why adderall messed up my life, or just rationalizing over and over why its such a bad thing for me. This approach has helped me deal...

I think the whole thing is all part of the psychological battle...of regaining control of the mind. And then one day you win the fight. But as they say in NA, addiction is like cancer. It can go into remission, but you always have to be very cautious of it coming back and that means always being vigilent.

quit-once · April 13, 2012

Hi Cassie-

I wrote a reply to your four month post on Monday morning, and somehow it got lost before it made it to this "Power Board" (whatever that is). Anyway, four months is a significant point in any recovery so please accept my heartfelt congratulations for making it this far. I really enjoy reading your posts and responses.

You are lucky to have a husband who supports your quittingadderall endeavor. He sounds like a smart guy who can give you good advice - like "three months really isn't a long time to quit anything". I am going through the quitting process mostly on my own with only the support of one friend and this website.

Regarding your lack of interest in anything, that should begin to change anytime now. It took me about ten weeks to regain some of my motivation and inner drive, and about four and a half months before I actually wanted to do daily exercise activities. I had an ineterest in photography that I turned into a hobby shortly after quitting. I replaced my addiction with the obsession of my hobby - getting more and better and even more pictures of my favorite subjects -wild animals. I started spending a lot more time training my German Shepherd. And I consider my regular presence on this web site to be another hobby. I am really excited to get on with my life this summer. I am finally just beginning to NOT think about adderall every waking moment of the day. It will be a year for me on June 4.

Cassie · April 13, 2012

Thanks quit-once! I enjoy reading your posts as well. Yes, my husband is a smart guy but we actually don't talk about this subject much. I guess I find it easier to express my emotions via written communication with complete strangers, lol. Seriously, it's easier to talk about this with people who know what it's like. I too have felt very alone in this process despite having a supportive significant other, simply because he can't truly relate to or understand all these little nuances of quitting Adderall. It's funny, sometimes I'll be posting on this site and my husband will come up and look over my shoulder, and I'll slam my laptop lid down as if I've just been caught looking at porn. He'll ask me what I'm doing and I'll either say, "Posting to my Adderall site" or "Nothing, go away!" I guess in some ways, this site is my porn.

I'm glad you are doing so well and that your hobbies/interests have returned. I hope I can find some new hobbies soon. I have been revisiting my old hobbies more and more - reading, cooking, hiking, sports - but I'd love to find some new interests and a new job so I don't feel like my life is stagnating. Boredom was a huge trigger for me abusing Adderall. I was just watching my first and probably last episode of Celebrity Rehab on Netflix (it's a pretty horrible show), but Dr. Drew said one interesting thing. He said that in an addict's mind, boredom is actually depression, so working on the depression (exercise, for example) alleviates boredom and vice versa. That's my nugget for today.

Greg · April 13, 2012

I definitely agree that hobbies/ interests take over where the adderall left off, after you quit. I've picked up tons of new hobbies that I never could imagine doing when I was using adderall because adderall was really my full time hobby - a destructive hobby. The world does seem to have opened up more.

By the way, I watched the series Addicted on Netflix. I definitely recommend any recovering adderall addict to watch it. It really explains the whole rehab process to people who have questions about it. And the stories are really gripping. There are only a few episodes. Each episode focuses on one addict.

Here is a link to the show which is available on netflix

http://tlc.discovery.com/tv/addicted/

And actually here are some links to addiction and recovery resources I pulled off the site for anyone interested...

From the website

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Get Help

Here are some resources on alcoholism and substance abuse and about the organizations mentioned in Addicted. or for the individual in need of treatment and seek professional advice as appropriate.

National Resources:

National Council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependence (NCADD), Inc.

and its Affiliates help individuals and families with information/referral, prevention/education, intervention- 800-NCA-CALL (800-622-2255).

http://www.ncadd.org/

Substance Abuse & Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) Treatment Facility Locator or call 1-800-662-HELP

http://findtreatment.samhsa.gov/

National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism (NIAAA)

http://www.niaaa.nih.gov/Pages/default.aspx

National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA)

http://www.drugabuse.gov/

NIDA for Teens: The Science Behind Drug Abuse

http://teens.drugabuse.gov/