I keep going back to adderall, I could use some guidance

[Corey]

Hello. I've been very addicted to abusing adderall for the past 2.5 years. I would binge and stay awake for days, had suicidal depression, etc. etc.

It got so bad that I joined an IOP rehab program. I stayed sober for about 50 days. I then got a bunch of adderall from a dealer. I've been lying to my IOP rehab group, as far as they know I'm on "day 89". I lapsed once, thought maybe I could just pretend like it didn't happen and continue sobriety, but I just kept going back to the dealer. I've been paying for the IOP program out of pocket and I'm out of money to pay for it.

Idk. I'm not sure where to go from here. I have to keep working to pay my rent but I find it so hard to work without adderall. I don't know what to do. I want to get out of this cycle.

[sirod9]

Hi Corey - I'm sorry you are experiencing this. I've been down this road before, so I know how you feel. I would say - be honest about your relapse and try to find a group that is free. You may fall back down the rabbit hole a few times until you begin digging your way out, in the meantime, be kind to yourself. Still try to have healthy habits, like reducing your daily intake and getting plenty of sleep. After a while, you will break the cycle. I feel like we are so hard on ourselves all of the time, which does not help anything.

Try to see yourself as free from this addiction. and don't be shy about telling your rehab group, that is what they are there for.  I wish you luck on your journey! 

[DrewK15]

Hi Corey, welcome to the forums! An easy first step is to find a group you don’t have to pay for. AA, NA, CR. There are options out there. Just go every day and sit and listen for similarities, not differences. You’re paying for IOP and lying to them, so that’s not doing you much good even if you did have the money to pay for it.

Go easy on yourself without giving yourself permission to use. There should be a healthy sense of stress that helps move you forward. You’re fighting for your life, whether it be for your physical life or something else.

You break the cycle by doing something different. I don’t know you, but that’s true for all of us. Eat healthier, sleep 7-9 hours/night, exercise, make your bed. Anything other than exactly what you do now. I feel for you needing to work, that’s one of the hardest parts of this. Be intentional and plan your quit. Try to find a week or even just a few days to take off and ride out the initial withdrawal on the couch with a great show. Quitting and staying quit doesn’t happen by accident. Good luck, I hope to see you around here for a while!