Welp, here goes nothing….

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        I never thought I’d share this part of my life with anyone, but reading all of your stories has made me feel less alone than I have in a very long time. I’m already nervous but if there’s any chance that my story could give someone a moment to feel a connection then it’s worth the discomfort. It really is the same old story…..In high school I was shy, quiet, and socially awkward and when I got to college I wanted to be someone else. I started bartending because, from where I was standing, bartenders seemed so confident and so very opposite from the me I was trying to ditch. I was ok at it, but I was still shy and looked for any reason to walk away after I put the drink down. Two girls from work took me to a party after work and, to loosen me up, they dropped a small orange pill on my tongue. I was 19 and I fell in love with the feeling immediately, I couldn’t believe it was even possible to feel so alive.
       For the next few years everything was fine, I’d always accept a pill if offered but it wasn’t a big part of my life. I kept bartending and moved on to a bigger busier venue. I discovered a coworker had a prescription that she sold and I figured “why not?” It seemed innocent enough then. I felt a lot more pressure at this bar to chat up the regulars and with my secret weapon I finally could and I loved it. For the next 5 years I thought I had everything under control, I was taking pills every night I worked but I justified it because it did make me better at it, and I’d developed some perfectionist tendencies. I got very thin and the added attention I got from guys was great since I had my extrovert pills, how could anything go wrong?
           I can’t really pinpoint when things changed. I ended up getting my own prescription plus buying from several people at work and I guess my tolerance just kept creeping up. By the time I finally quit bartending at 32 I needed at least 10 20mg pills to get through a shift, some nights I’d take up to 14 and I’m only 5’1” tall, so I have no idea how I didn’t have a heart attack. At that point I had very few good days, mostly I was exhausted and almost catatonic no matter how many I took. I had to mentally remind myself to make sure my facial expression was pleasant and normal because I was panicking inside but I didn’t want to draw attention. I ran circles around everyone else behind the bar because my body had so much anxious energy, and I started resenting my coworkers for not keeping up (another way I passed the blame). I had violent mood swings and zero patience so, understandably, everyone starting distancing themselves from me.
           I worked at that bar for 8 years, and I ended up quitting in the middle of a shift when I was completely out of pills and couldn’t bear it. They had all felt like my family for so long, but by that point I felt like I was on a deserted island, even when surrounded by people I knew. I always prided myself on how well I could hide my addiction, but looking back now it seems so embarrassingly obvious. My life completely collapsed around me, my nearly $100 a day habit had drained all my money and I had no job anymore so my finances spiraled within a week. I had also developed some OCD behaviors in the last couple years so I had chewed off all but 2 fingernails completely and I picked at my skin for hours, unable to stop, I had scabs covering the bottom half of my face and some left scars. I had to move back in with my Dad but luckily I was forced to take a break because I was broke and unemployed
       I wish I could say I learned my lesson then, but I’d end up using again off and on for 2 more years. Almost never being able to achieve a good high, I would feel a little shimmer of the old feeling but then my thoughts would jumble and I’d just feel numb and disconnected. In this state I would also hear noises and see movements out of the corner of my eye, this should have been terrifying but in my little tiny world I’d created it was the norm.
          I went back to school and that’s when I finally stopped because, ironically, I knew how useless I’d be at studying if I took it. It feels like cheating because I never consciously made a decision to stop, it was just inevitable. I honestly think if I was still able to get that old feeling I’d still be doing it, but I’m guessing I did way too much damage and my brain doesn’t function the same and probably never will. I was able to pull it together to finish school finally at 36! The greatest thing that happened after leaving Adderall behind, though, was meeting my boyfriend. I wasn’t able to have any kind of a real relationship for all the years I was on pills, I had dated but I’d always keep them at a distance so I could be alone with my various obsessive unfinished projects and I wouldn’t have to worry about them asking questions. I wasn’t sure I had the capability to make meaningful connections with people anymore, my only real serious relationship in my life had been with Adderall, and it had betrayed me when it stopped working. 
    Quitting looks differently for everyone, but I can say for sure that there is hope. I never imagined or wanted to imagine my life without the pills that made me special. I’d convinced myself that normal life was boring and that my manic, self destructive lifestyle was exciting. I was wrong, real life isn’t boring, it’s peaceful. I spent so many years moving at full speed like the point of life was to get to the end first, never imagining how amazing it would feel to just slow down. Don’t lose hope! And when you get to the day when you’re done with Adderall and look back on the bad days, please look back with compassion and not judgement for the person you were. This drug is a curse disguised as a miracle and it makes you believe that you can’t accomplish anything without it, but the price you pay for that productivity is far too high. I hope you can see how strong you all are, and I hope soon you won’t have to be so strong because life will get much easier❤️❤️

 

 

 

    

[m34]

Thanks for sharing your story! ❤️It’s pretty inspiring. I’ve been off adderall for over 3 yrs and really struggling with looking back at all the yrs I wasted on it. Then the additional years I had to waste just healing from destroying my central nervous system. (Nothing is really a waste, of course) Trying to keep moving forward and very grateful to be off the rollercoaster.  You’re right it is a curse disguised as a miracle. 

[redsquirrel3520]

Thank you for sharing. This sounds so much like my husband, and we’re really trying to find a way to make the plunge to fully quit. I’m curious, how long did it take you to start feeling somewhat normal (ish) after quitting? I know it’s months to years for the brain to try to recover, but just curious if you remember any kind of timeline of when some things started coming back to you or going away? Your dosages and timeline are very similar to where he’s at.