A working professional and the wrong decision

[GetToIt]

Hi. So grateful for the creators and all of the contributors to this site. I have been reading through all of the posts and topics and stories for probably a year or more, and I see the support that each member gives (albeit limited by web.) This thing is true blue, and right on target.

Most of what I have read on here are stories from high school and college students, many of whom had parents that have put them on or supported their decision to seek out a stimulant to compensate for what we now believe to be a mental impairment called ADHD. However, I am not one of these typical cases. I am 31 years old and started taking Adderall when I was 27 or 28, after having been in the working world post-college for about 3-4 years. I have some clear perspective of a "before and after" that might be difficult for someone that began a medication like this when they were 11 or 12 and are now mid-college. I say this simply because I grew up and knew myself fairly well before beginning Adderall.

At the time just prior to my use, I was working a job for a consulting firm rounding up new clients to my portfolio of business every month and making a splash as an up-and-comer in the business. I am the kind of guy that had developed an ease with people and spoke very clearly and make a good impression. I presented confidence without pride or arrogance, and was openly asked for advice by the CEO during meetings to help others understand my success. I was never strong in my school work, but had tried hard enough to make it by, but I wanted to improve my efficiency as my work seemed to progress further and further so I could write proposals faster and think better through them. Basically, I wanted to be smarter.

This is where I get pretty hare-brained. I thought that I probably fell along the lines of someone with ADHD, and I read enough about their medications to become curious enough to make an appointment with a doctor and take a test to become eligible for a script for adderall. Check, and check. I remember the first time I took it, I was laying awake in bed for hours. Eventually, I evened out and was amazed at how much more I seemed to be able to do. I continued my work as usual and took my prescribed dosage and continued to spend my efforts at rounding up more business. What is scary is that I didn't recognize the difference in my process until about a year or so after the fact, but I began taking more and more time doing things that weren't important at work, but what I had convinced myself were. Not messing around on the internet or anything like that, but doing these overly-elaborate spreadsheets to track clients and not spending time talking to people around me or outside of the company. At the time, I thought I was taking myself to a new level in my job, and I now realize I didn't have the judgement to re-establish my priorities as I had before adderall and my work seriously suffered. I was also conspicuously silent during team meetings and I remember distinct thought of paranoia about my job and what I was doing. Eventually, I recall getting laid off/fired and the CEO who had lauded me as a wunderkind was now breaking the news to me that I was being let go and mentioned a conference call that had not gone well with a potential client. I don't wish to brag, but keep in mind that I had blown the doors off of my business development goals, and was a leader in my group. Now that was all shot to hell in 1 year after the decision I made to go on adderall.

I think that the most insidious part of all of this, is that I didn't fully realize my change of perspective and judgement as a result of the adderall. I even felt good about what I was doing differently because there was a strong but false sense of confidence that had been produced in me. Where I had dealt with normal insecurity because of a clear-minded sensitivity and understanding to my surroundings, I became a determined, hard-headed sometimes-jerk that had a tenancy to be off-putting. My strongest attribute of being able to communicate clearly, establish trust and put people at ease had been atrophied for a false confidence and a few really well-done spreadsheets (I think they kept those.)

Now, I am crawling out of the hole and am one day off after a few false start attempts. I have been wandering in the wilderness, but I now know how to return to basecamp and start my way up the right path. I've found that the only way to forge ahead and make it happen is to focus and visualize the return to what you knew you were (or think you are meant to be) without anything like a chemical getting in the way and look at your real self as the new drug that will make you better. Every day that you don't take that drug, you are "drugging" yourself with who you really are and it sets in more every day. Every hour that you choose this means another hour closer to where life makes more sense and your abilities are not suppressed.

Taking this journey is a little bit like running in gym class: focusing on the pain makes it worse, but looking at the end point and how close you are getting WILL make it happen.

[Cassie]

I can relate to your story. I was 26 when I started taking Adderall and 31 when I quit. I never 'needed' it either, just wanted a boost and loved how it kept me interested in everything. At the time I started, I worked in sales for a financial firm developing new business, so like you, I had to talk to clients all day. I can relate to all of it: the false bravado, the arrogance, the hyperfocusing on meaningless tasks (I could spend upwards of an hour composing an email, making sure the wording made sense because I couldn't tell in my manic state). Acting erratic and/or distant toward my coworkers.

I think we're lucky that we started taking Adderall after college and a few years in the workplace, because we can remember that we were able to succeed without it. I've been off Adderall almost a year now, and I still struggle with work every day. Maybe it's the nature of my job. I work in a different field now and it's much slower paced. I also don't really have any supervision or deadlines. I am the boss, so I don't even have any fear-based motivation to get me going during the day. I still struggle with self-confidence, motivation and willpower. Just at work though. I have epic willpower in other areas, like diet and exercise. It's a really long struggle, but since I never had any trouble being a normal employee before Adderall I'm confident I will get there someday. You are definitely not alone!

[Cassie]

What is scary is that I didn't recognize the difference in my process until about a year or so after the fact, but I began taking more and more time doing things that weren't important at work, but what I had convinced myself were. Not messing around on the internet or anything like that, but doing these overly-elaborate spreadsheets to track clients...

P.S. This reminds me of a time at work when I spent hours poring over the online manual for our sales management software, figured out how to program it, and meticulously color coded all my leads and clients according to time zones, interest level, and potential dollar amount. Talk about unnecessary! Yet I thought this was incredibly important at the time...

[GetToIt]

Cassie, so nice to hear about a very similar story to mine. I think you're right that we have the perspective of work success before adderall to benefit our recovery. Hearing you echo some of my story just helps to reinforce the reality of the danger Adderall poses to my work life. I don't want to live in a bubble where I lack judgement, even if my product takes longer. Thanks for your feedback!

[Greg]

Gettolt, thanks for those words of wisdom. I never experienced the work life without adderall. So I am observing myself and learning about myself, trying to see what I'm good at what im like ec etc. today my boss and coworkers mentioned I was good on the phone, and so I made a mental note to myself to put that possibly in my strengths box. I feel like a newborn.

[Defunct]

GetToIt, I'm new here but your story is almost 100% the same as mine, just add "....and slimmer" to your "

Basically, I wanted to be smarter", and you describe me. I am in my late 30s now and having gone through what you went through not once, not twice but three times, in increasing amounts of drama and delusional thinking. You are lucky to have listened to yourself after one year.

For what it's worth, you do sound very smart and articulate, just like so many people on this forum...

[GetToIt]

Thanks Goldman & InRecovery. You both are stories that spur on my recovery - all that I need to know is that someone else like me has done it before and found success on the other side.

[Defunct]

Ditto, GetToIt! How are you feeling now?

[GetToIt]

Like a real human. Like me, but a me that requires a nap after lunch like my Grandpa used to. Better that, than a mean, surly and joyless me.