Never thought I'd be facing this again

[Heather67]

Hey guys, of course its 1:30 a.m that I find this site..hahaha,and I want to get my whole story out in like 3 sentences because my brain is always faster than the rest of me,and also the fact that I am so stoked to have found you all. Google kept hooking me up with shit from like 5 years ago, I want and I NEED daily contact with people who are,...well,ME. So here goes...oh, my first time out with addies was back in 2003, my neighbors son was switched to ritalin and she said "here,see if these help with your focus issues,they were 10's...I took 1 and I had found my cure, for everything!!! Procrastinating, cleaning,returning phone calls, the marriage I didn't want to be in, the 3 kids who were really just being kids, I got it all done with "happiness" to spare, I never thought it would turn on me. Tolerance is the addicts arch Nemesis and it came fast, I was increasing and just adding a new Dr.to cover it, as years went by, I spent most days coming up with.plans,to either get the money for another co-pay or gas $$$, my ex-husband grew tired of the ridiculous, all consuming lies and cut off funding. I would steal, syphon gas from his riding lawn mowers, miss my kids bus when they got home from school,blow off their pediatric appts. For my own,get cuffed and put in a cruiser in my own driveway on a lovely Sunday morning for falsifying a script...all for Adderall. I was a mother a wife, I had the mini-van...it was all so estetically pleasing, yet I didn't want to get up and deal with any of it, and I had become bad at my own hustle,I was spent..I didn't really wanna quit but I could not maintain the quest. At 38 years old my life was beyond unmanageable, I went to rehab for 30 ish days.I was taking 30 -30m.g tabs when I left and was about 100 lbs. That was October 6th 2006...I would go on to speak that sobriety/clean date at an outrageous amount of meetings, I collected my chips/keytags,chaired meetings, lived and breathed that program that taught me simplicity and gratitude and a way to live. The initial w/d was brutal....sleep.sleep.sleep. no personality, no desire..blank,a shell. Not for the girl who could spend 2 days obsessing over one flower pot and how it should look. It took a long time to feel right without it, too long. I never wanted to feel it again but even with about 3 years of honest clean time after rehab....I am going to have to!!!! I am now 45 and living at my moms with my son who is 3, I have no job,no money,no car. I had them all but my sons father whom I married in 2009 went back to heroin and it leveled us all...as it took off, I chose to stay and had to pull the weight of us both,for a lonnnng time, I was so tired and I knew how I could through a life requiring so much of all I had already given...adderall. now I am pulling that weight while he does a 5 year bid in Massachusetts for an armed robbery,heroin didn't leave us much..nothing actually..i am with my son 24/7 and I am spinning daily and getting nowhere, I have a handful of drs this time, but it'll blow up, I pay for generic while I wait for insurance, I have to scheme to pay for those. I'm at 12 or so a day (30's) and have been for awhile. I feel like total shit w/in 3 hours of a rare day I don't have em. And I'm afraid of what's normal anymore,society,everything. How the fuck am I gonna do this you guys????? I'm the responsible parent! LOL. I'm gonna be homicidal,suicidal, depressed...and sleeping!!!!!

[Greg]

If you don't treat your addiction, it's like a festering wound. It will get worse and worse, like a wound that gets more and more infected. You have to check into rehab again (this would be your second time right? That's what I gather from your other post) , or you have to be strong enough to get clean on your own. Strong enough meaning you have to be able to call your doctors and fess up to your doctor shopping. Or have your parents do it for you. And you have to stay clean.

You have to really want this and be 100 percent motivated. But know it is possible.

[Heather67]

Yup,its the second time. Except last time I was married to someone who could handle the kid situation while I.was gone to rehab...not this time. I'm supposed to be the glue in our broken little family,and stepping up to the plate without adderall seems like a hurdle the size of a skyscraper to get over. I've outed myself to drs. Before the last time...I hate what I feel.like on.em....but moreso.without em. My kid is 3,he can even get his own drink yet, and I'm useless not to mention severe depression ...this is not an excuse,its just a fact. I think I've read people on here talk about a 'planned quit' sorta,...I know my life will self destruct, ill get bagged for the drs. Or get busted for shoplifting,I don't want it to go like that..I didn't go back to meds thinkin it'd be different this time out...I knew I'd be a slave again. Its a really "f"d up.deal living at my moms too...she'll be all bent..... I do know there's no avoiding the shitty of what has to come ...I'm just rambling. Thanks for being my first reply. LOL

[Greg]

It is shitty. But right now think about how miserable you are. You pop a pill then it begins to wear off and you go into withdrawal, so then you pop another one to stave off your withdrawal, but then that one wears off and you start to feel withdrawal again. And these adderall withdrawals happen like 12 or 13 times a day. You are taking about 13 a day right? So that's a lot of discomfort throughout the day.

So one of the most rewarding things about quitting adderall is not having to feel the adderall wear off throughout the day

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

... and the expense of having to pay for that amount of adderall without insurance must be a killer.

Imagine all the things you will be able to do when you have your life back, your confidence back, your will to live and connect with people, get out of bed in the morning and take care of your child and get stuff done without having to rely on expensive, draining, no-win medication to do it.

People downplay it because of the stigma, but seriously, quitting adderall and quitting smoking were the two hardest things I've ever, ever done in my whole life... more than living away from my family for years, putting myself through university, dealing with death of loved ones. I'm proud of the fact I've quit, more than anyone will ever know.

I hope you stay with the forum and keep asking questions. I do, and it helps me every. single. day.

[Heather67]

Hey thanks you guys. All the things you say are things I would have ,actually... DID say to people who were just coming in and struggling. I had a totally different and simple life without the shit and I had gotten way past the point of even missing it, I knew people who took it and that was cool, I never sought it out. Till everything in the battle to keep my family intact, be two parents to our child..keep a full time waitress job, and all the house hold EVERYTHING, wasn't possible, not humanly anyway, enhanced. And my husbands heroin addiction hadn't given it all it had yet...cuz if ya think a house with an Addie Popper is bizarre, try that and a junky (no disrespect) both of us had a good few years of recovery before we got together too, so it was beyond "F" D UP that we were living the nightmare together now. I am greatful for my mother in law who took our son to her house for the months prior to my husbands sentencing .. it was ummm,extreme in our apt. I chose to stay, just to get my husband to that court house on July 21 2012..then he'd be on his own to do 'his personal work' and I would be without him to do mine. For a few years. After they took him and bail was returned and the day was over...I returned to what was once a happy place,a nice little home that we had worked our asses off to get into a month before our son was born..one Christmas when it was all decorated..we looked around and said "not bad for two screw ups." That day I came home..it told my story, it was in disarray with boxes packed,furniture stacked all half ass'd, holes in the walls, a half busted living room window and broken door hinges. It was addiction....his and mine. It did just what it did last time and what it will always do to people like us....strip you of everything. Now I have to focus on myself and my son and get a plan together and deal with life the way millions of others do,naturally.

[quit-once]

Are you relieved that your husband went away for awhile? Do you think prison will cure his addiction? Will it be easier for you to manage (break) your own addiction without another addict in the house?

[Heather67]

I am relieved that he went away,heroin is a whole other monster, the core of addiction may be the same for us all... but he was shooting an insane amount daily and it was still building ...two things I know...if I didn't have a date,July 21as the destination 1) I would not have lived like we were for 1 more day. 2) he wouldn't be in a cell, it'd be a casket. And I don't think prison will cure him, he'll have to do that, just like I have to do it. Re learn coping mechanisms, work the internal triggers only we know and seek help from others. When I got off aderall last time, my first husband handled the home front, the kids, he kept it together. But I'm him this time, I'm the glue and I don't have much experience in that arena. So I have to handle that and recovery and top it all off with a long and depressing withdrawl...I am scared to death.

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

neversaynever,

I read that the largest growing demographic of adderall is not students, but single mothers. Sure, most single moms don't have to deal with marriages to other addicts, but two things to bear in mind: you're not alone... every single mother out there it seems feels the same overwhelming sense of panic that you do. Even married moms do... my sister is 40 and she has 3 kids under 9, she called me one night to ask me if I'd heard of this drug adderall which is supposed to really help you get through your chores... she had no idea I was strugging at the time with addiction and wondered why I flipped out on her and screamed to her to get away from it as fast as she possibly could. And she's a very religious, moralistic person, so for her to prod around and show interest in adderall must give you some indication of the desperation she and other moms feel.

All of this is of course not an excuse, your kid deserves a mom who will be able to look after him. Just know that the longer you're on it the more damage you're doing, to yourself and your child. If you don't start getting off it today or soon, in a year you'll be looking back and asking how you let it get so bad when you knew a year ago what needed to be done.

Do you have any contact with your ex's mother? If there was someone who could take your kid for even a couple of weeks or a month while you sleep it off, that would be a start, maybe?

[Heather67]

Yeah,that is the route ill have to plan on going. I am I'm touch with her often...funny bout the mom.thing. its the perfect drug for being superwoman. You will dazzle and amaze all with.your talents and obsessions. I'm constantly reminded of the the exhausting chase....already running my "holiday numbers " ...ya know ...taking a count and going "lets see, I've got nothing due for pick up this week ...these wont last...what am I hookin up.to not be comatose on Christmas . It'll wear you out! My brain hurts!

[Greg]

Neversaynever, you sound like you understand how destructive this is for you. You understand you are in a mess thats not going away until the adderall addiction stops. But you haven't indicated that you plan to take action and quit. Are you still taking 13 x 30mgs a day?

I mean, having been on those dosages too, you are probably going into psychosis daily maybe not in the beginning of the day, but definitely by the end of the day...

[Greg]

neversaynever,

I read that the largest growing demographic of adderall is not students, but single mothers. Sure, most single moms don't have to deal with marriages to other addicts, but two things to bear in mind: you're not alone... every single mother out there it seems feels the same overwhelming sense of panic that you do. Even married moms do... my sister is 40 and she has 3 kids under 9, she called me one night to ask me if I'd heard of this drug adderall which is supposed to really help you get through your chores... she had no idea I was strugging at the time with addiction and wondered why I flipped out on her and screamed to her to get away from it as fast as she possibly could. And she's a very religious, moralistic person, so for her to prod around and show interest in adderall must give you some indication of the desperation she and other moms feel.

All of this is of course not an excuse, your kid deserves a mom who will be able to look after him. Just know that the longer you're on it the more damage you're doing, to yourself and your child. If you don't start getting off it today or soon, in a year you'll be looking back and asking how you let it get so bad when you knew a year ago what needed to be done.

Do you have any contact with your ex's mother? If there was someone who could take your kid for even a couple of weeks or a month while you sleep it off, that would be a start, maybe?

That just reminds me, a couple months I linked to a piece that aired on Nightline called Supermoms on Adderall .

[sky]

Neversaynever, you sound like you understand how destructive this is for you. You understand you are in a mess thats not going away until the adderall addiction stops. But you haven't indicated that you plan to take action and quit. Are you still taking 13 x 30mgs a day?

I mean, having been on those dosages too, you are probably going into psychosis daily maybe not in the beginning of the day, but definitely by the end of the day...

yup, definitely... you know the problem, the solution, what the end of the road looks like, what you stand to lose, the impact it will have on your child.... and yet have you made the decision to stop? Do you have the resolve, the will, the guts to stop? Just stop. Deal with the pain, agony, discomfort. You know you have 2 choices: Stop, or be forced to stop in prison, recovery homes, casket. Stop now, or let someone else stop you. There is no other path. There is no "keep on balancing it", there is: lose it all, or stop before you lose it all.

There is no, I'll quit tomorrow. Tomorrow never comes. You have a responsibility to do it for yourself, your mom, your kid. I know no one quits for anyone else, as addicts in the throes of addiction, we really don't give a fuck about anyone else more than we care about ourselves and maintaining that comfort. We are such weak willed pussies, a fucking flu hurts more than the withdrawal, but we have no resolve, and we cave and give in at the first sign of ouch, this sucks. We know it's going to hurt some, going to be uncomfortable, and yet, most have to take it to the hilt in order to stop. Coerced help. Prison, hospitals, recovery homes, death. So? Buck the fuck up, and quit. Or deal with the consequences. It's only a matter of time. What sucks though, is that your kid will suffer the worst....