Quitting in grad school

[Grad Student]

Hi all,

I’m very happy I found this forum. Reading your stories has given me hope and inspiration.

My Adderall story is typical. I was always a distractible kid who put every assignment off until the last minute. I was also “gifted” academically, which allowed me to get straight As despite my atrocious study habits.

During my freshman year of college, I neglected a 15-page term paper until the night before it was due. My roommate, sensing my panic, offered me one of his Adderall pills. It was magic. I finished the paper in one sitting and ended up with an A. From then on, I pushed the limits of procrastination as far as they would go, buoyed by my newfound miracle drug. Back then, I didn’t have a prescription so I had to rely on friends to sell it to me before every big assignment. They happily obliged, I managed to get all my assignments in on time, and after graduation, I mostly forgot about Adderall – at least for a while.

My first job post-grad was fast-paced and stimulating enough that I could do it without any chemical enhancement. I still put things off until the last minute, but so did everyone else. In the industry I was in, it was almost expected. After a while, though, I grew disillusioned with the work I was doing. I wanted to make an impact in the world, and I decided the way to do that was by going back to school. That’s when I got reacquainted with Adderall.

Studying for the grad school admission exam was excruciatingly boring and a far cry from the excitement of my previous job. On top of that, I was debilitatingly nervous about my career transition and worried that if I bombed the test, I would always regret my decision. I started asking friends to sell me Adderall again. With the drug in my system, not only could I study for hours on end, but my scores also went up. I tried taking practice tests with and without the drug on-board, and, without exception, the Adderall scores were higher. Looking back, that’s where my psychological dependence started.

Fast forward a year, and I was admitted to a top school. I had recurring thoughts, of course, that I only made it there because of the drug. And, as you might guess, that only made me rely on the drug more.

I’m now going into my final year of school. So far, I have managed to get good grades, but I’ve also been using Adderall every single day. I fear it has altered my personality. Work has consumed my life and I am no longer as interested in the recreational activities I used to love. I’m also worried that I will not be able to function in this industry without the drug.

This summer, I decided to stop taking Adderall to see if I could function without it. I quit cold turkey 7 days ago, and since then, I have been a lackluster employee at my summer internship – to put it mildly. I’ve also noticed flashes of joy that used to be commonplace before I became an Adderall user.

I’m now wondering if it’s possible — and/or wise — to stay off the drug for this last year of school. I hate the way it makes me feel, but it seems like it might be a necessary evil to maintain the level of academic success I’ve been having. I don’t want to waste the years of hard work just to tank my GPA in the home stretch.

Has anyone had a similar experience? I would love your advice.

[ZKW1014]

Hi there.  I know exactly how you feel.  I finished my Masters almost 3 years ago and I honestly sometimes wonder if that would have even been possible had I not been taking Vyvanse.  

I personally wouldn't worry about quitting right away while you're in school.  I mean you can if you want but if you do you might end up in withdrawal and having to deal with a lot of unwanted and deliberating emotions.  I finally ended up stopping the medication when I was done with school and started getting into the job application process.  It's been hard but I'm glad I waited until school was done personally.  

It sucks because I'm thinking about doing my PhD one day and I wonder if I will even be able to without amphetamines.  Meh.  Only time will tell.  But to answer your question I personally wouldn't stop right away while you're in school.  I feel it would be better until you're done.  But that's not my decision to make.  Hope this helps...

 

[Grad Student]

Thank you for the taking the time to reply. I really appreciate the advice and plan to take it. At least there is an off-ramp in sight...

You hit the nail on the head. I'm not sure if I could have done any of this without it. I'm sure that will make quitting very difficult when the time comes.

Best of luck on the PhD. You got this!