Quitting. Am I Doomed? Please Chime In. Very scared right now.

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

Have you tried reading some self help books? Everyone has a viewpoint about that stuff but I am a fan, if they are well researched and the author doesn't seem like a crazy person. There are also cognitive-behaivioral and mindfulness workbooks that are supposed to be v helpful.

Try doing some more research on depression, also bipolar and boarderline personality. I found that stuff really reassuring - to know I'm no the only person who struggles with their own existence on a daily basis is a nice thing.

[Sebastian05]

M_F_A, I'm all about anything that will help me. I'm all about anything that will bring me peace. I'm all about anything that will help me feel like I didn't ruin my life. Please feel free to recommend any books to me at all.

You know, I should be really thankful that I have a job, and I am to a degree. I just have a really hard time dealing with the fact that I get ZERO satisfaction out of what I do for a living. I don't really care about money or material things. I don't need them to be happy. I need good people around me all the time. I need my family. I need my health. I hope my health is still OK even post adderall. I need to be able to workout and run and be confident. I'm sitting here working at a job i just totally LOATHE. But I thank God every day for my job because at least I have an income right now. I think to myself sometimes "is this life? is this really how it goes? do i just follow this same pattern day in day out until im dead? This is such a miserable existence. How can i ever expect to be a good partner or a good daddy when I'm just so unsatisfied with who I am?" I need to fix myself because I can't go on feeling like this. Maybe this whole lawyer thing was never meant for me. Or maybe it was, but the right opportunities never came my way for me to be able to build my experience and confidence in a way that I could feel strong and secure.

Wanna know something interesting? When I was a kid, i was really really overweight. I used to get bullied and harassed non-stop. It broke my heart all the time. I used to cry a lot because of it. It was really tough, but I picked myself up. I started eating really healthy and working out and after some time, i was in amazing shape. I miss that feeling of being powerful. I miss the feeling of accomplishment and success. I feel like adderall helped push me to success in academics and such, but i also feel that the winds have been taken from my sails now that I stopped taking it. I truly believe that i suffer from ADD, but I don't think adderall is the answer, especially when its certainly not something that you can take forever. I went from having great confidence to having none. I went from being really positive and optimistic to being the total opposite. This is what scares me the most. I know the old saying goes "life's a journey. not a destination." I really hate cliches, but maybe there's truth to that. Maybe I'm not on the wrong path. Maybe I'm on the right path and I just don't have the confidence or faith to see that. I don't know what to think anymore. I'm just trying to take it one day at a time hoping that I'm not some sort of hopeless person.

[Greg]

Anyone feel free to correct me if I'm wrong, and i really, really want to be wrong, but I suspect that work is boring wherever you go, even if you have a cool job. I mean often you have to just sit at a desk all day. Or perhaps stand around all day.

When I was on adderall I was unnaturally interested and passionate about what I did. AND I WAS IN PSYCHOSIS. But I'm pretty sure that was the adderall and not my job. If I wasn't on adderall probably it would have been so boring.

I think understanding boredom is a part of recovery. And like MFA mentioned before.

Boredom>adderalled

[quit-once]

InRecovery, I would never want to correct your point of view about work because it is your opinion and how can somebody have a wrong opinion? But I will offer my own perspective on work and jobs in general. I like work and I like my job. Not only for its income, but for the sense of purpose and general contribution to society that having a job gives me. Without a job every day would be like the last one and life would seem like one big cycle of circles. Most jobs present us with daily challenges and opportunities for growth. For me, it really isn't about the money at all, because somehow I would get by on whatever money I make. Having a job gives me both daily satisfaction and sometimes frustration but that is how we grow throughout life. I have had the same job now for about 15 years and I still like it and I am very happy.

Sebastian, I wonder if you chose the wrong profession? You said you like to be around good people all the time but will you ever find an entire group of good people in the legal profession? After all, that profession is just one battle after another and they never cease. I believe the legal profession has more than its normal share of assholes, both as lawyers, prosecutors, attorneys, clients and politicians. Is it possible that taking adderall all through law school blinded you to the kind of profession you were preparing yourself for, because it gave you a false sense of interest and academic achievement?

[Greg]

Quit once, I don't think I've worked enough without adderall to really know the answer to this. Lol, I'm still gaining post adderall work experience. I will be starting my second job soon. Maybe I will find that I really enjoy that one?? In the meantime, I've decided I'm going to persue a marketing degree perhaps work in advertising or something like that. I really do hope find something I enjoy doing though, like yourself. That is really awesome to hear.

[Sebastian05]

quit-once, I got into law because I wanted to help people. It was the most altruistic of all reasons. I wanted to make a difference and help those who couldn't otherwise help themselves. I made it through 3/4 of law school without adderall, but it was SO SO hard for me to focus and stay motivated and keep my interest. This happens to EVERY law student, but I was having a particularly hard time because I couldn't digest the material in a way I needed to in order to be successful. Once I was diagnosed with ADHD and started adderall, the material just started to connect and make more sense to me. Trust me, lawyers are all a bunch of ego-maniacs and huge jerks. When people meet me they say "man. i can't believe you're a lawyer." and when i say "why?" they respond "because you're so nice!" And herein lies the problem. It may not be the ultimate career path for me, but its a distinguished title and I worked really hard to earn it and then to earn my license. I'm just furious with myself because of the damn adderall. Maybe I don't have ADD? I don't know anymore. I'm really starting to question if my diagnosis was BS. But i do know that once i started taking the meds, my performance in school really improved and my ability to believe in myself and focus was tremendous. I feel like without the adderall in my system, everything is a huge struggle. I'm battling that now. But im doing the best i can. I still have motivation to go to the gym and I'd never reveal this to anyone because I don't want anyone to worry about me. I have to fight this fight. I have to believe that im going to be okay. Its all i got at this point. This is the big problem with big Pharma. They will crank out drugs, make TONS of money...and leave everyone in the wake of incomplete and uncertain clinical trials which could potentially be catastrophic....but nooo...they say "here. you got a problem? we have your solution. pop this pill. or that pill...or the next pill." I dont know. I still have a full bottle of the stuff. But its not like i sit here and think about popping one. I dont give a SH*T that i have a full bottle. I have no desire to take one because the initial withdrawal i went through was like torture. I remember thinking to myself "if there's really a HELL....i can't imagine it being worse than this." I just wanna be okay. Just like im sure the rest of everyone else here. I have no problem with not taking the damn meds. I'm just sad that my drive and happiness are gone. I hope my cognitive abilities are still intact and that im not like a certifiable mentally retarded person now because of this piece of S "medicine"

[Sirpumpkin]

Sebastian05 -

You will be fine. This is my first post, but I saw to many similarities in our situation and felt I had to reply:

• I was on adderall for 10 years (through college, grad school, CPA exam, and 5 years of work). I'm currently 31 years old, my highest dosage was 60mg, but had a fair share of 100 plus days.
  
• I do not have ADHD, but benefited from taking adderall in the sense that it helped my grades.
  
• I have anxiety, maybe depression.
  
• I am currently employed in a detail oriented job where I am expected to perform and contribute.
  

I have only been off of adderall for 45 days. I am not going to lie and tell you that I am as productive as I was two months ago, but I can assure you that you will be find and be able to quickly recover in this period.

Here is what has worked for me:

• Talk Therapy. I see the above comments about BIg Pharma, etc.. I was lucky enough to have a doctor who cared enough to recommend Talk Therapy (Psychoanalysis). For me it is important to get to the root of why/how I could take a medicine for 10 years. Having someone keep you accountable also help. After 14 days the effects of adderall are physically out of your system. Now you are dealing w/ the psychological impact. This is were having a therapist and a plan really helps out. On a personal note - I failed at quitting the first time (five years ago) because I felt to lethargic after being 3 months sober. While I was off the meds I would obsess about my energy level, focus, etc. All I wanted was adderall or an energy supplement like adderall. This time (with therapy and through this website) I realize that I will never organically have the head rush and euphoria adderall provides on a pills notice. That's not normal.
  
• Exercise - specifically cardo
  
• Fish Oil - I like Omega Brite. It says take 3, I take 4. Is there a quittingfishoil.com?
  
• Coffee, Yerba Mate Tea, Advocare - Pink Lemonade Spark (must be Pink Lemonade, fruit punch is worthless).
  
• This website and articles. I had no idea that there are so many people just like me.
  

What I like about my life post adderall:

• Sleep
  
• More empathy, better relationships (wife, friends, etc). Increased sex drive.
  
• Better at the more important aspects of my job (e.g. getting along w/ coworkers, not being tweaked out and inside my head, etc). I believe relationships will get you further than any memo, spreadsheet, email, etc.
  
• Ability to find what I really like. On adderall everything is awesome. There was a time I would spend an extra two hours on a project formatting font, colors, etc for the fun of it. Pretty lame. Now I love the sense of confidence I get in knowing I accomplished a task and that quicker is better than perfect.
  
• The feeling of working on yourself (e.g. getting off adderall) is better than the feeling of resentment, shame, etc taking adderall. Especially when your just taking the adderall to see friends, fold clothes, get through life.
  

Only reading your post, you seem like an anxious person who really wants to impress their family (been there pal). I'm guessing that while you were in law school you made bad grades in classes/sections that weren't interesting enough for you to excel in. Not to mention law school (much like med school - my wife can attest to) and MBA school are full of adderall cheaters gunning for grades (I was one of them).

Now that you have your credentials, get off the meds, give your body some time to get better and find out what you really like. I have a feeling you'll be fine. Don't worry about the health consequences of 10mg over 4 years, agree w/ the other post in that you should not experience any long term physiological consequences. Addressing your mental health issues will get you solid again.

[Sebastian05]

Sirpumpkin:

Thanks so much for your detailed reply. I really do appreciate it. You give me a lot of hope. Right now I'm just very concerned that this stuff has caused me some sort of brain damage. But your words give me hope that they have not. I know many people on this site probably think im being ridiculous and that a 10-20mg dosage a day for 4+ years isnt a big deal, but I tell you what. I really did get the HELL of the withdrawal when i stopped taking it. I couldn't even cold turkey it. I tried....and the withdrawal was DREADFUL. it wasn't like "oh i feel a bit dizzy" or something innocuous like that. It was hell. The anxiety and panic....the insomnia and total lack of appetite.....it was mortifying and I thought for sure I had melted my brain by going cold turkey. I took 5mg a day for about a week and then just stopped. The horrible thing is, if i wanted...i could go to my shrink...and he would just write me a script for more adderall if i wanted. I certainly don't want it. The thought of something re-programming your brain and re-wiring the way you think and your overall mentality is very very scary.

Did you (or are you) experiencing any sort of depression. My depression has been pretty bad as a result of quitting this damn "medicine". It comes and goes. Today started off kinda crappy but now i feel alright.

I'm telling you man. I think back to the days of college and law school when I was the class clown. Even the profs thought i was hilarious. Then adderall came and i was just lazer focused on everything. I would still crack jokes in class and be super friendly. I never feel like it turned me into a monster. I did have some crashes, but that was nothing crazy or out of the ordinary. I think over time though...being on it....and also being in a profession that i think sucks ass.....it has taken a toll on me emotionally....i'm already a very hypersensitive dude (wish i wasn't. ive always cared too much for everyone and everything. put it this way....if i see someone in a wheel chair....or a homeless person...it breaks my heart and i can't stop thinking about it). So being hypersensitive and quitting this damn drug is a rough combo to battle because the withdrawal really toys with your emotions.

I know deep down im a really good guy and i've never been one to not be able to sympathize or empathize. I'm not selfish. If there's one positive thing i can say about myself for sure, its that I'm most certainly not selfish. Would i have made it through law school without this effing medicine? Would I have passed the bar? I have no clue. Maybe not. Good chance I wouldnt have. But now i've crossed the finish line and I'm licensed to practice law....and if i cant be the kind of lawyer who directly impacts the well being of people....then i don't need to be a lawyer....and unfortunately, the job i have now.....it doesnt really do jack to help people out....but from what i can tell...most lawyers hate their jobs anyways......i hope one day i will figure out what i wanna be when i grow up.

[BeHereNow]

Hey Sebastian, Well I've been on and off for years but peaked out at around 50-70 mg per day. I'd take time off then go back on it. Actually, for most of my time on it, my dosage was much lower, prob around 35-40 mg per day, xr plus ir (a GREAT combo), but this past year I reached that max dosage which was way too much. As a student, it was only while working and I would have weeks/months off sometimes..... but as a phd student, well, work load is more intense, it's beyond a full-time job. For me though, I think (I am realizing again) that any adderall is too much. I've been quit a couple weeks now and it's going to be a long tough journey but I'm so in it for the long haul! I've quit before and I can do it again! And so can you, if you want!

They say it takes the average cigarette smoke 3 times to quit.... I was a former cigarette smoker and it took me many, many tries to finally quit for real. Finally I realized that I could never ever ever have even one drag of a cigarette because it would drag me back in. Adderall is like that too. Who knows, maybe they have similar effects on your body. Anyways, as long as you KNOW that it's for real, that you are genuinely ready to recover your true YOU, then you have all the power in the world to overcome this. I am here for you, and I'm new here but it seems like people in this forum are all here for you.

I also struggle with panic attacks and etc so feel free to message me if you need extra support

Sorry, not spellchecking or over-editing because I'm sooo over that kind of behavior! Stream of consciousnesss here it is. Good luck to you!!!

[Krax]

Anyone feel free to correct me if I'm wrong, and i really, really want to be wrong, but I suspect that work is boring wherever you go, even if you have a cool job. I mean often you have to just sit at a desk all day. Or perhaps stand around all day.

When I was on adderall I was unnaturally interested and passionate about what I did. AND I WAS IN PSYCHOSIS. But I'm pretty sure that was the adderall and not my job. If I wasn't on adderall probably it would have been so boring.

I think understanding boredom is a part of recovery. And like MFA mentioned before.

Boredom>adderalled

I'm sure many people do get satisfaction from it, however you make a very good point - for most people work is still something they have to do; I mean sure I get satisfaction out of what I do, but at the end of the day (actually at the beginning of the day), if I didn't have to I wouldn't work. This is probably also why some people who win the lottery go off the deep end because I think work for the most part is good for us.