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ambivalence


lea

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Thanks to all for the great articles and heartfelt posts. I have never considered quitting adderall until lately and certainly relate to a lot of what's written on this site. I do want to be honest though that I'm not 100% certain I'm ready to quit and hope it's ok to read and occasionally post here.

For the first few years add meds made a huge difference in my life, motivation, levels of productivity etc... Now more often than not my mind is hijacked and all I focus on is what a great mood I'm in, then spend hours wasting the razor sharp focus on irrelevant activities to the exclusion of everythin else that really matters. I have taken more than the prescribed dose to the point where I run out 2 wks before my next doctor's appt and when I don't have it I'm depressed and unmotivated, don't even want to take a shower ... even though I'm on prozac and wellbutrin for depression.

Basically I just want to say this seems like an awesome group of people and I will continue to read and learn and try to find the motivation to quit. xo lea

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Lea,

I know exactly what you mean! You describe the adderall coma so well! Wasting precious time on activities that are meaningless really...I remember that. I remember suddenly realizing hours had gone by and feeling alone. One time I sat on the computer for 5 hours straight or more working on an excel spreadsheet for work. I was not at work. I should've been outdoors, working out, socializing with friends, watching a movie, reading a book, or engaged in some type of social activity. Instead I was isolating at home alone FOCUSED on creating a masterpiece for the office. How sad...thinking back on it now.

Anyhow, it took me many trys to get off adderall. I found this site in 2007 or 2008 thank God. I didn't finally quit until Nov 2010. Wherever you're at on your journey is OK. Nobody has to quit adderall. After all the doctor's do prescribe it for a reason. Honestly, I don't know if I ever would have been able to quit had it not been for my 2 trips to the ER and a car crash. I was that addicted to it that although bad crazy things kept happening....I STILL couldn't fathom giving it up. It's not an easy task, but you can do it IF you decide you ever want to.

You know....it's funny, but I realized the other day how much I DON'T miss it. This thought came to me and it REALLY surprised me. I was thinking about it because I'm doing an article in a magazine that's coming out in a month or so and I was remembering how physically exhausted I was all the time. I remember that I never slept, never ate, chain smoked, and drank like a fish. I am so healthy now. I sleep 8 hours a night. Food tastes AMAZING. I love food now. I feel well rested and just balanced more than anything.

I remember the happiness you are referring to. It's the first hour the pill kicks in. I remember how it would put me in the BEST mood EVER. I would be bouncing off the walls...jackhammer speech, and LOVING life. But then....the come down...around 4 hours later....almost like a gradual hangover setting in....hmmm....pop another adderall....WHOOOO HOOO!! Back to LOVING life again! Cycle - Repeat...oh shit, it's been 2 days and I haven't gone to sleep yet. Drink alcohol....A LOT, smoke pot, pass out. Wake up feel horrible. Pop an adderall. WHOOOO HOOO!!! Cycle - repeat. Wow, that's hard living. It does feel good to not be on that roller coaster today, but just know I understand where you are coming from. It is a hard to let go. So don't for now...and just come hang out on this site....and know there is a support team here if you ever do want to try and quit.

Hugs!

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thank you so much liltex for your post. Yep, that last paragraph is me to a tee, not to mention the spread sheets, wow... my spread sheets have spread sheets, at least 5 working tabs on each. You are very kind and non-judgemental and for that I can't thank you enough. hugs right back at ya.

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Lea,

I know exactly what you mean! You describe the adderall coma so well! Wasting precious time on activities that are meaningless really...I remember that. I remember suddenly realizing hours had gone by and feeling alone. One time I sat on the computer for 5 hours straight or more working on an excel spreadsheet for work. I was not at work. I should've been outdoors, working out, socializing with friends, watching a movie, reading a book, or engaged in some type of social activity. Instead I was isolating at home alone FOCUSED on creating a masterpiece for the office. How sad...thinking back on it now.

Anyhow, it took me many trys to get off adderall. I found this site in 2007 or 2008 thank God. I didn't finally quit until Nov 2010. Wherever you're at on your journey is OK. Nobody has to quit adderall. After all the doctor's do prescribe it for a reason. Honestly, I don't know if I ever would have been able to quit had it not been for my 2 trips to the ER and a car crash. I was that addicted to it that although bad crazy things kept happening....I STILL couldn't fathom giving it up. It's not an easy task, but you can do it IF you decide you ever want to.

You know....it's funny, but I realized the other day how much I DON'T miss it. This thought came to me and it REALLY surprised me. I was thinking about it because I'm doing an article in a magazine that's coming out in a month or so and I was remembering how physically exhausted I was all the time. I remember that I never slept, never ate, chain smoked, and drank like a fish. I am so healthy now. I sleep 8 hours a night. Food tastes AMAZING. I love food now. I feel well rested and just balanced more than anything.

I remember the happiness you are referring to. It's the first hour the pill kicks in. I remember how it would put me in the BEST mood EVER. I would be bouncing off the walls...jackhammer speech, and LOVING life. But then....the come down...around 4 hours later....almost like a gradual hangover setting in....hmmm....pop another adderall....WHOOOO HOOO!! Back to LOVING life again! Cycle - Repeat...oh shit, it's been 2 days and I haven't gone to sleep yet. Drink alcohol....A LOT, smoke pot, pass out. Wake up feel horrible. Pop an adderall. WHOOOO HOOO!!! Cycle - repeat. Wow, that's hard living. It does feel good to not be on that roller coaster today, but just know I understand where you are coming from. It is a hard to let go. So don't for now...and just come hang out on this site....and know there is a support team here if you ever do want to try and quit.

Hugs!

Wow that last paragraph is SOOOO SPOT ON!

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Wow Leah ....I loved what you said about using the focus on useless shit....my kids have pictures in their coloring books that could be in the Louvre! !!! Yet laundry was climbing up the basement wall,and bills weren't getting paid. The big light bulb went off finally when I realized how many times my kids had been in the backyard on the swingset saying "mommy can you push me on the swing?" They got my obligatory go to reply of, "in a minute".....In 3 fuckin years...I a minute still hadn't come. It will do nothing but get worse for everyone. Be well girl!

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