Want off this hell-ride!

[Greg]

Thanks MFA!!! It's funny because at one point I really couldn't lift a finger without adderall. I couldn't read a book or even watch a movie without taking it or crushing it up and snorting it. 8 or 9 or more a day. Adderall was my engine. So at one point I felt it was truly impossible to do anything without it. I'm glad that turned out not to be the truth.

Sigh, I'm only 1/5 through packing. Looks like its going to be a long night.

[SomedayDreamer]

Just as your tolerance builds up with every other aspect of adderall, so does the metabolism. Your appetite getting back to normal is very much part of the tolerance process. I'm sure if you took double your dosage you would lose your appetite again (not that I am recommending this!).

This one is still a mystery to me- my appetite actually did stay suppressed on addy and I wasn't eating much at all (once a day, more a snack than meal, and kept track just to see if I was eating more than I thought, but nope) and still my weight slowly continued to climb these last two years. Perhaps it's some underlying metabolism issue with me unrelated to addy, that no matter how little I eat I will put on weight, but I'll address it after these next few weeks. Complete lack of exercise surely doesn't help matters either. One thing at a time.

Other than that, today is day 5 for me, the physical fatigue is pretty much gone but the mental slog is still heavy. Right now, there's no sense of "fun" in functional, but it is what it is. I noticed I felt this odd fleeting sense of relief this evening, like how nice to get a break from the tension and the intrusive, obsessive thoughts. I feel pretty dull and mentally slowed of course, but it's much better than being keyhauled round and round in my own mind.

[quit-once]

Someday dreamer - I can relate to the issue with weight gain- it happened to me too. I attributed it to lack of sleep. I was only getting maybe 5 hours of sleep and none of it was good sleep. It is a situation documented with science studies that lack of sleep not only leads to weight gain but also pre-diabetic conditions. I felt like my whole system of energy metabolism was fucked up and I even had hot flashes all the time in the night. And I ate really shitty food too. I was taking a lot of adderall, not eating, not sleeping, had loads of mental and emotional stress and living a very unhealthy lifestyle so it did not suprise me I was getting fat. I got even fatter after quitting too, and it took over a year to regain control of my metabolism and start losing weight. I am afraid that being functional won't be very "fun" for the next couple of months or so for you but it does gradually get better with time as I am sure you are already finding out. The good news is that the worst of your physical battle is already behind you at five days now the battle becomes more mental and emotional, and that why this place is here- to help you get through those struggles of early recovery.

[quit-once]

InRecovery, are you starting grad school? That's great that your internship worked out well and you have proven to yourself that you don't need no stinkin' adderall to get work done and have a fulfilling life free from addiction.

The thought of moving would make me ill right now, though. Fuck, I still have areas and even entire rooms in my home that I have not properly cleaned or de-cluttered since well before quitting adderall. My home was never messier than it was during the last two years of my adderall addiction - (adderall quit working as a housecleaning tool too).

Anyway, a hearfelt congratulations and good luck in your new program.

[Cassie]

'Amphetamines have long been shown to slow weight gain, but some studies have suggested that these effects fade over several years of exposure.'

http://www.ncbi.nlm....les/PMC2670101/

It's not some underlying issue, it's your long term adderall use + poor diet followed by quitting. Everyone gains weight after quitting as well, even if their diet stays the same. That is totally normal.

[SomedayDreamer]

The findings of a connection between chronic sleep deficit and weight gain is something I definitely overlooked, thanks for pointing this out.

Of course I'm not delighted that the weight gain will get even worse now, but I know I'll be blowing up like inflatable life raft by the end of this week. Whenever I had a script run out super early (say, having to go 2.5 weeks without it) the weight gain would really pick up after day 6.. so tomorrow *sigh*

Just wanna say you all are a wonderful group of folks here. I really do believe this forum will be indispensible to me staying quit. Before this, I had never, ever talked about my adderall use to anyone except the doc in a twice yearly visit. I kept this hidden from absolutely everyone for 7 years. No doubt that my family and friends (the few I still see) could sense something was not right with me, but they didn't ask and I didn't tell.

This journey is already a lonely one for me, so thank you all for the kind welcome and sharing your experiences. It is so helpful being among others who know so well what this is like...exactly the sound a pill makes when it hits the floor...rummaging pockets and drawers for just one merciful pill ..the spinning mental wheels and crashing, being emotionally unavailable, turning into a flake or a dick...To hear that there is life, a better life, after quitting addy from people who know it first-hand, gives me hope.

[quit-once]

I am sure you are aware that your biggest challenge for staying quit will be that time of the month when you usuallly refill your script. Oh, and maybe that "other" time of the month too. It is not too early to make a plan for dealing with the urge to refill and how you will handle and accept the other side effects of quitting like weight gain and anhedonia (not giving a shit or getting any joy out of life), and the lack of motivation. You really have to want this to succeed with all your energy and willpower. Good luck to ya.

[Heather67]

The urge to refill ....never thought I'd say thank God for the state drug powers that be cutting me off at the pharmacy knees ....yeah,that kinda eliminates the urge to refill ....I was an insane adderall addict as far as quantity...I had 4-5 doctors and those weren't even holding me a month...was gonna have to enlist a 6th. And all with no car,having to rely on my friend keris schedule to get around and pick em up...watch my kid,scrape up gas $$$,then gank and return to pay for the shit...and repeat every few days. Good fuckin God....things do happen for a reason!!!

[SomedayDreamer]

I am sure you are aware that your biggest challenge for staying quit will be that time of the month when you usuallly refill your script. Oh, and maybe that "other" time of the month too. It is not too early to make a plan for dealing with the urge to refill and how you will handle and accept the other side effects of quitting like weight gain and anhedonia (not giving a shit or getting any joy out of life), and the lack of motivation. You really have to want this to succeed with all your energy and willpower. Good luck to ya.

Yep, you said it. Although this is day 6 for me, I still don't feel like I can give myself "credit" for it because it's by default.. I'd be on day 6 right now regardless of if I was quitting or just sitting tight until refill. That's why last Friday I called the doc and said I didn't want to take it anymore, now today on my online med chart it's noted that no scripts will be renewed unless I make an appointment for a full re-evaluation. This would require me to plan a date, schedule a visit,go there, sit for an hour or so etc. thus giving me plenty of time to think it over and realize it's not worth it before I could get it again. The risk of just impulsively relapsing is too high for me if I knew all I had to do was call in and get a refill by that afternoon.

For me, the easy, reliable (and legal) access to it was important for fooling myself that this wasn't really a big deal. I know if a person really, really wants some addy they can find a way to get it no matter what- but I relied on the script to give me a sense of "legitimacy" and to delude myself that I was using it "therapeutically." (yeah, what kind of "therapy" makes one eat dried up bits of blue play-doh off the floor, hoping it might be a piece of pill? But I had found myself doing just that over the years... disgusting)

[Heather67]

Yeah I know ....when my heart started to race at the mere flash of orange in my dark purse that turned out to be an apple-jax.....my suspicions were confirmed that adderall addiction will take all signs of common sense and rational thinking.

[Searchingsoul9]

WTF do you mean you relapsed last night???!!! On adderrall?

I know what you mean about getting worried if you don't hear from folks. Whoami, Mike, SearchingSoul, Krax, roxbury, hope you guys are all doing ok and staying strong (you're the ones who come to mind recently). And Debbie is still v much in my thoughts.

<3 Very thoughtful

[Greg]

InRecovery, are you starting grad school? That's great that your internship worked out well and you have proven to yourself that you don't need no stinkin' adderall to get work done and have a fulfilling life free from addiction.

The thought of moving would make me ill right now, though. Fuck, I still have areas and even entire rooms in my home that I have not properly cleaned or de-cluttered since well before quitting adderall. My home was never messier than it was during the last two years of my adderall addiction - (adderall quit working as a housecleaning tool too).

Anyway, a hearfelt congratulations and good luck in your new program.

Thanks quit once, yup I am finally starting grad school, can u believe it? and I AM getting ill from all this moving. I was supposed to ship everything today but I completely underestimated howw much packing I needed to do and am only halfway done. Will have to aim for tomorrow. I am following a checklist I found online and there is just so much stuff I need to send. It doesn't end.

Yeah, that internship proved to me so much about how I could perform without adderall. The main thing was I just had so much better judgement. When I went to work on adderall I FELT Like a superstar (in my head ONLY) but I wasn't a superstar in reality because I was so focused internally on myself, my own needs ahead of my job. Plus I would usually spend half the day outside chain smoking. And id also spend a lot of time running out for doctors appointments to pick up scripts and then going to pharmacies. This time, I spent more time at my job and was less focused on me and more focused on my job and the needs of my employer. I mean, that was just one of the differences I noticed, better judgement. But there were a ton of positive differences. I mean I was more relaxed for another...I'm sure I came off so anxious or RUSHED on the adderall, probably tough to trust someone all wound up on adderall and always seemingly on the go. And my energy levels were all over the place on the adderall...sometimes I was super peppy and when I was in withdrawal I was the opposite of peppy...i was up down, up down, depending on how much adderall was in me. but the true testament that i was better was at the end of my job where I asked my employer to fill out a recommendation form and she was so enthused she read back to me my performance review and checked off all 5's the highest rating and wrote smart, focused, out of the box thinker, communicative and lots of other good feedback and also said could gladly be put down as a reference for any future job I apply for. That's what truly made me see that the non adderall me was so much better..I mean it 100% when i say that i couldn't see the adderall-Ed me could to any better or even close..so a really important experience and now I guess in a week or two I begin my next job as a graduate assistant, and I feel ready to tackle this.

Back to packing...I really can't wait for this to be over, ugh.

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

Thanks quit once, yup I am finally starting grad school, can u believe it? and I AM getting ill from all this moving. I was supposed to ship everything today but I completely underestimated howw much packing I needed to do and am only halfway done. Will have to aim for tomorrow. I am following a checklist I found online and there is just so much stuff I need to send. It doesn't end.

Yeah, that internship proved to me so much about how I could perform without adderall. The main thing was I just had so much better judgement. When I went to work on adderall I FELT Like a superstar (in my head ONLY) but I wasn't a superstar in reality because I was so focused internally on myself, my own needs ahead of my job. Plus I would usually spend half the day outside chain smoking. And id also spend a lot of time running out for doctors appointments to pick up scripts and then going to pharmacies. This time, I spent more time at my job and was less focused on me and more focused on my job and the needs of my employer. I mean, that was just one of the differences I noticed, better judgement. But there were a ton of positive differences. I mean I was more relaxed for another...I'm sure I came off so anxious or RUSHED on the adderall, probably tough to trust someone all wound up on adderall and always seemingly on the go. And my energy levels were all over the place on the adderall...sometimes I was super peppy and when I was in withdrawal I was the opposite of peppy...i was up down, up down, depending on how much adderall was in me. but the true testament that i was better was at the end of my job where I asked my employer to fill out a recommendation form and she was so enthused she read back to me my performance review and checked off all 5's the highest rating and wrote smart, focused, out of the box thinker, communicative and lots of other good feedback and also said could gladly be put down as a reference for any future job I apply for. That's what truly made me see that the non adderall me was so much better..I mean it 100% when i say that i couldn't see the adderall-Ed me could to any better or even close..so a really important experience and now I guess in a week or two I begin my next job as a graduate assistant, and I feel ready to tackle this.

Back to packing...I really can't wait for this to be over, ugh.

All so true, and absolutely my experience as well. The thing you highlighted about trust is really important, and really underplayed. People build trust with their coworkers and managers by looking at their behavior over time and recognizing consistent patterns.... a trust-worthy person will be consistent and true to their word, as well as committed to communicating openly. As a manager, I can only imagine how bloody awful if must have been for my team to never know what kind of state I was going to be in. One thing is for sure... you CANNOT, I repeat, CANNOT coach people or delegate effectively on adderall. The number of times I would give something to someone and then immediately tell them, "nah, it's ok I'll take it on", simply because I thought my work was SO much better than everyone else's. Then invariably I wouldn't get the job done properly anyway because I would say that to all my direct reports and before you know it I was doing all their work as well as my own and no-one was happy.

If I ever feel in the future like someone I'm working with is on adderall, I'm going to confront them. Immediately. The whole time I was on it I thought my behavior wasn't noticeable, but what a train wreck I must have been. So glad to put that chapter behind me.