BeHereNow Posted January 15, 2013 Report Share Posted January 15, 2013 Well, I wasn't really hoping or planning to quit at this point in my life, but it's happening! My enabler has ended our relationship and it's for the better, it's all for the better. I am a phd student and adderall of course really helped me get through massive amounts of reading, writing, grading, and teaching. It also made me antisocial, depressed, hollow, sedentary, a fraction of my whole self. It robbed me of my light, my personality, and my genuine inspiration. I love my field genuinely, but I was totally overperforming and burning myself out. I've been off of it for a couple weeks now. Very, VERY unproductive so far, but happier. So much happier. I love 2013, and I hate adderall so much. (Well, if I had some right now I'd probably take it since I have hella shit to accomplish........it does have its benefits......) but the cost to my personality and health are not worth it. And my whole personality is more important than my work--my personality is integral to my work, and in that sense, in the end, adderall takes something away from my work. It takes ME away from my own work. It alienates my heart from the work that I love so deeply. In the end, it stunts my growth. It's the nastiest, most dehumanizing drug on the planet. This year my smile is bigger, I'm friendlier and more outgoing. Work and motivation are a struggle, yes. So far, I just do short bursts then take breaks (long breaks.) It will get better. I quit once before, as an undergraduate, after I figured out that I am not in fact illiterate without my dear blue friend. No, I cannot read as many pages without it, but I don't really care. Life is way too short and my heart is far too full and open to the world to allow my self to be closed down by such a nasty drug. Give me 2 weeks and I might be singing a different tune. But let's hope not, I'd really like to ride this wave into 2013 and figure out how to have my act so together without sacrificing everything I am. It's the Chinese Year of the Snake, which symbolizes the shedding of the old skin, and I do NOT need to carry around all that constrictive, dead skin. I may have hardcore ADD/ADHD or whatever but I do NOT need this drug to bring out my natural talents! I do NOT need to be less than who I am! My ADHD is a GIFT!! OK! So with all of that said, any thoughts or advice on how to keep my act together during an unexpected cut-off, in an intense, high pressure, high-performance work situation, are more than welcome! 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeHereNow Posted January 15, 2013 Author Report Share Posted January 15, 2013 Also, I'm really enjoying the fact that time has slowed down for me. Life goes by way too fast as it is, no need for a drug to speed it up even more! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Motivation_Follows_Action Posted January 15, 2013 Report Share Posted January 15, 2013 Hi Occasional01, welcome to the forum and congrats on 2 weeks clean and the beginning of a life you will most definitely enjoy! Stay with us over the next few weeks, I hate to say it they will prob get worse before they get better. I'm not really sure of how to answer the question of getting through all your deliverables and stuff, I do know the 2 weeks after quitting suck balls, and it's enough just to be able to get out of bed (which I didn't, by the way, except to go to the couch and sleep more, for about 5 days straight). The only recommendation I'd have is to see if you can picture in your mind how you'll feel in another 2 weeks when you're a month in, and you will look back and know you've accomplished one of the hardest things you will EVER accomplish. I read that amphetamine addiction is the most difficult of all to recover from. Your brain is chemically unsound, your body is malnourished and dehydrated, and your support networks are not there like they once were. All you have is your own strength, a belief that you CAN do it, a lack of choice that you WON"T relapse, and, well, us here at the forum. We're with you all the way. Welcome. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeHereNow Posted January 16, 2013 Author Report Share Posted January 16, 2013 Many thanks for your kind words and advice, Motivation_Follows_Action! Second day back here. I am realizing that I do in fact still have a brain without adderall. And I am in fact capable of hardcore intellectual work without it! Actually, I think I'm a lot smarter without it! More creative, more open, more sociable. I was having dance parties in the library today while working (classic special ed behavior, hahahaha) instead of sitting still all hunched over and angry like I used to on adderall. I was walking around smiling and jazzed up for most of my day, just living, just making it happen, where I used to be super stressed out and so hard on myself for every little mistake. I publicly made a mistake today and handled it pretty gracefully, I forgave myself right away because who cares? We all make mistakes, and making mistakes is fun. My natural energy is pretty much boundless, all I need is the will to focus it in. It will get harder.... much harder. But it's nothing I can't handle!! I am SO HAPPY! It's like that feeling when you end a bad, abusive relationship and the whole world just lights up as you become free, as you become yourself. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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