Em's Story!

[emuhleexo]

"taking adderall is like taking a pill that transforms me into the person i always want to be, the person i strive to be, but is not. i am not that person, that pill makes me that person." - me

Hi, i'm Emily, i'm 20 yrs old, and i live in a small suburb right outside of Detroit, MI. i came across this site a little over a yr ago while trying to look online to see if there was anybody else out there who felt the same way i did... addicted to adderall!

it all started when i was in the 9th grade, i got jumped by 3 big black girls while walking to a nearby ice cream shop. i was traumatized, after that happened two weeks later my uncle committed suicide on booze and pills, so my mom took me to a counselor there they thought it would be a good idea to see a psychiatrist and they said they thought i had ADD. when i first took it i didn't like it, i felt like a zombie so i told my mom i didn't want to take it anymore, so i didn't. that was in the fall of my freshman year.

Around November or Decemember my grandpa died unexpectedly then the following spring my grandma was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer, so she moved down here from up north to go to an assisted living. during that time i started dating my high school sweet heart jerry. he was my first serious boyfriend, and i guess u could say first love... i later realized that i was never in love with him but i did love him, i will get to that later....

so he would go with me everyday to go see my grandma, she was only in there for about a month before we all gathered around her bed and watched her take her last breath. the first thing i remember doing was going into my moms purse and taking the first pill i could find which was my adderall prescription, i took 2 then jerry drove me home.

i must have smoked literally about 1 pack on the way home.... and listened to the same song, supernova by oasis. l Loved the way that the adderall made me feel so i asked my mom to put me back on it.

all of a sudden i would go to school, not sleep but want to learn. i would do my homework as soon as i could then i would sit there and draw, then when it came to lunch i wouldn't be hungry.. at all, so i started saving my 5$ a day to buy weed.

Lets fast forward to the beginning of my sophomore year, i had to have a foot surgery from an accident i had as a baby, and i was put on home-bound so i would wake up, take my addy, do all my homework then clean clean clean,, or spend 4 hours getting ready, then waiting for jer to get off work so we could go to our friends house alex and smoke weed. in the beginning i would get really bad anxiety i couldn't explain it. so within the 5 months i was on home-bound i lost ALOT of weight. i was about 150 when i started and got down to 120. and i loved it, i was finally the person i wanted to be, skinny energetic, and smart.

by the 2nd semester of my sophomore year i was achieving a 4.0 and on volleyball, i was actually being scouted for a volleyball scholarship but that all ended quickly.

i started going out all the time, with or without my boyfriend at that point. i just wanted to go out and be social, i didn't even care if i drank just as long as i was on adderall and had a blunt it was all good. around this time in my life i started to become very promiscuous, i would lie to jer to hang out with other guys and eventually started cheating on him. and he had no idea. i became a liar and a people pleaser.

i have been in special ed since like middle school for reading comprehension, but after i got off home-bound i asked my mom if there was any way i could test out because the work was so easy and i wanted more of a challenge. i went to the test on a two day addy binge and still passed, so i was put in general ed... with ALL of my friends.

so by junior year i started skipping to leave school and smoke, dropped out of volleyball, and started to abuse my adderall more and more. my mom held on to my prescription so i began asking for two instead of one. i would go to school on 1 then run home right after 3rd hr because i wanted more. more more more. that became my main focus. then i eventually wouldn't do anything unless i had my adderall. with out it felt lazy, i wouldn't even get out of bed to shower.

close to when i turned 18 i was asking my mom for 3 to 4 a day, my mom is bi polar szchiphrenic, and in about a week or so i was out, and i asked why and she said she wanted to try them out like "baby food".

ever really since i can remember my mom has these "epidsodes" i call them, when shes on her meds she s like super mom, the best mom i could ever ask for then shell stop taking her bi polar meds because shes feeling good, and welll have an episode... when she has these shes not herself, she talks to her self, talks in tounges, doesnt clean, doesnt make food, and doesnt take care of my little sister amy, were 7 yrs apart and ever since i turned 12 or 13 once my older brother and sister moved out taking care of her, and my mom was my responsiblity, because my dad is a very passive person. he just kinda looks the other way, while my mom needs to go to the hospital, well pyzh ward and get on her medicines. after my little sister was born, my dad said thts when this all started. she goes to the mental hospital, @ least every 4-5 months, it's A Cycle, and during that time im the one responsible for my sister, laundry shopping, cooking, EVERYTHING. no one else will do it so i have to, and my little sister now resents my mom for this bc shes never there when she needs her, and it doesnt help that now that shes getting older, im no longer her hero, but someone she doesnt want to turn out like and it hurts, and my dad doesnt care.

by my senior year i was failing almost everything and just decided to drop out. i hated going to school and i just wanted the easy way out. i dropped out 3 weeks into my senior year..

me and jer were still together but we started to begin fighting alot because i was always lieing,

i don't know if you've ever been in love, but love makes u do crazy things. our relationship started to become violent, he never hurt me but he has punched out my windows in my car, and then one time this guy was dropping me off @ my car at a restaurant and jer ended up blowing out his driver side window with a crow bar. he loved me so much and he could tell i was changing, i got attention from guys every where i would go and he didn't like it. and i honestly could care less, i wanted to just go out and be single, it was like i lived a double life, and it was and is not fair to him.

then i turned 18. when i turned 18 i got a settlement from the accident i had on my foot when i was a baby, i had 30,000$$ wired into my bank account on midnight of my birthday, at that time i was off the adderall for about a week, so the first thing i did was buy jer and i laptops, stayed at his house, then the next day i was suppose to go shopping with my mom and little sister, so i bought some adderall from one of my dealers, and from there on out the adderall made me feel like i was the shit.i had hair extensions, i was tan, i was skinny beautiful and banking. that night i asked a girl i grew up with to go to the club and we did and i had the time of my life. i started ignoring jer all the time. then me and this girl decided to get an apartment, and i told her @ first i would help her out bc she was working at Wendys and not ,making much... we leased the apartment and 2 weeks later i made her move out bc she proved to me that i couldn't trust her.

by this time all the decisions i was making were all on impulse i didn't think to save half, or buy a new car or anything. i lived in the moment and all i cared about was were i was getting my next high and where to blow my money.

then i got a friend request from this guy named jeremy, i added him and saw on his profile that he was going to school to be an interior designer, and @ that time that's what i wanted to do with my life. so we started texting, and turns out he sold adderall, so i went and bought a few from him one night after jer dropped me off at my car and we were suppose to meet up @ a mutual friends party after i ran my "errand".

meeting jeremy was unexplainable. it was love @ first sight.

i went to the party right after i got the addys and jer and i of course got into another fight, and he went home and said he was bringing a gun back bc his boy wanted him to leave bc of our arguing,

i speed-ed on home to my apartment and spent the night alone with my puppy tweaking. the next day i was suppose to get more pills from jeremy so i went over there we smoke a bleezy, he showed me his work from interior design and i was so impressed, he was 25 and i was 18 and turns out my brother and him went to school together. so i left his house went home bc we planned on going to the movies that night, so he came to my apartment and we just ended up smoking and drinking a few beers. while we were there jer came pounding on the door, so we just acted like no one was there and finally he went away. that night me and jeremy talked about everything, we had this strong connection, we were out on my porch and it started poring rain, and he kissed me, out of nowhere, unexpected, and it took my breath away. we ended up having sex on the floor i didn't have furniture in front on the porch where anyone could see.

we were in separable after that. i ended up moving in with him at his sisters house, and i loved it at first, i loved his family, i loved him, i loved everything about us, not only were we so cute together i was IN love with him. when we started dating i ignored all of jerrys calls... i ended up just getting a new phone and changing my number. we never even officially ended it, i just pretty much left him.. and right before our 4 yr anniversy.

jeremy took me to do things ive never done before, like gamble, we went to an indian reservation casino and my first time there i won 5,000 dollars on a slot machine. and what did i do buy jeremy a crotch rocket.

i eventually would up driving 4hrs to go there, tweaking out for like 3 days straight on adderall and gambling my money away, i got my settlement in April and by December i had nothing left.

after dating jeremy for a couple of months i noticed warning signs... about his anger and jealousy and i should have ran the other way, but i felt like this was the guy i was going to marry and have children with!

i started taking Xanax for my anxiety, and that's when jeremy began noticed i had a problem with pills. i started taking alot of zannys and blacking out all the time

jeremy broke up with me while i was in rehab my first time. i felt like it was the end of the world.

i came home in December and he still wanted nothing to do with me and then my life changed, i found out i was pregnant

.

i told jeremy because i felt like he needed to know and all i wanted him to say was okay yay lets have this baby, but no. he wanted me to have an abortion.

i was 18 at the time. i was using drugs constantly and i felt like i had no other choice but to get an abortion. jeremy didn't even take me. my girlfriend did, that was the hardest decisions i have ever had to make in my life, and right after that i asked my parents to send me to a rehab in California i had to get away from this shit hole town i lived in.

i didn't tell jeremy i was going to California and while i was there he called me, he found out where i was at thru my parents. i was there for 3 months before i came home, and he picked me up from the airport we went straight to his house to have sex and while we were he said lets make another baby, that's when the head games started. he took me off all the meds the rehab gave me and put me on "marijuana maintenance" after about three weeks i relapsed again went back to rehab got out relapsed went back to rehab, it was the same and still is the same cycle since i've turned 18. jeremy tried to be as involved as he could he went to counseling with me, and really tried to understand addiction and everything... he would find my pills after a relapse and flush them down the toilet, then he started becoming abusive from fighting so much,

one day i was curling my hair and he burned me with the curling iron because he didn't want other guys to pay attention to me. he one time locked me in the basement for 12 hrs with out a phone, computer anything. it got to the point to where we had a bad fight and he told me, i want u to kill yourself the world would be better if u just killed yourself so i punched him in the face while we were driving and he ended up dropping me off @ my parents, where i made a suicide note and tried to kill my self off pills. my dad found me and took me to the psych ward, and from there i went to rehab, and i ended things completely with jeremy. well actually he ended things with me which made me even more, i wouldn't say obsessive not like stalkerish, but i was obsessed with the fact that i could change my self and make him want me.

i've been to rehab 9 times since i've turned 18, and this past September i was arrested for retail fraud, i was all zannied out and stole 300$ worth of shit from Kohls the judge gave me a year on probation.. which i have been struggling with, at first she made me drop for drugs 2 times a week and i did good, for about two months then i was thinking okay i can take an adderall here and there, well i ended up violating for dropping dirty so she made it to 3 X a week, and i just dropped dirty again for amphetamines so since my last violation has come in the mail i went to see my probation officer, nd i straight up told her, i cant do this, i don't have the self control nor will power, i asked her if i could just do jail time and make it so i'm done with probation because i cant stay clean and the judge told me last time i violated, one more u get 30 days straight. my probation officer and i ended up having a heart to heart, and she made me realize that i CAN do it, and i know that, but i cant come home to the same environment i do any other time, which is my parents house. they baby me, i don't have a job at the moment i'm just use to them taking care of everything and i know and have been told i am not a little girl anymore, but i want to be, i don't want to grow up and have to be responsible, but then again, this is my last chance. my probo officer told me that i need to go into impatient (AGAIN) before my court date which is Feburary 14th. so for the past week all i've been doing is getting high, taking advantage of this time, saying for the thousand millionth time, this is the last time i'm doing this shit.

up until October the only person i knew that have died from drugs was my uncle, and that all changed quickly, first two kids i went to high school with died on their way home from a strip club from drinking and driving.

two weekends later, this kid i dated in middle school and another kid i went to high-school with were murdered right down the street from me, and dumped in an ally on the east-side of Detroit then a week later two kids i knew from westland were murdered also.

i went to all of those funerals and it WAS a wake up call... this is what addiction does to you.

it's like i have to do this, it's either this or go to jail and i don't really want to go to jail, i did at first just so i can get this shit over with and get high when i come out, but i'm starting to look at this in a way of not taking the easy way out, i have my whole life. it's time to grow up, and take control and responsibility for my actions. it's like i know what i need to do, but i don't want to, i sometimes feel that if i just ignore it will all go away, and ill wake up 14 with another chance at life.

but i need to take the mistakes I've made and use them to my advantage.

@ this point i can honestly say that the only thing i have accomplished is being one hell of an addict, and excellent liar, and have mastered becoming a thief, and stealing things.

i'm the first one to co-sign my own bullshit. and it;s time to stop. it's time. i don't want to depend on my parents for money,

i'm somewhat offically over jeremy, we talk and sorta hook up every now and then but being around him is not the same @ all...

me and jerry made up, i dont know how or why he forgave me, but he did, i apologized for taking him for granted and he accepted the apology, but we are just friends, and i find my self wanting another chance with him. he has his shit together hes in school for engineering, he works on my car, and he was actually just over today looking at it and my parents kept telling me, you should get him back, it was such a mistake how u hurt him, and i know that. i feel like an asshole, and i have brought that up to him before, that i want to be with him and he tells me he just cant see us in a relationship... i'm hoping things will change as we mature but he his the one person i can ALWAYS count on.

up until this point i have avoided getting in trouble with the law, i never thought "that would be me" but it is, this can either be the start of a rap sheet or it can be a wake up call, a lesson- the last thing i want to do is go back into rehab but this time im ready to go, all the other times it was bc either jeremy, or my parents wanted me too, but i need to do this because i want to. like they say-

"JAiLS, iNSTiTUTiONS, OR DEATH"

i have two down.... only one to go.

[Freedom's Wings]

Greetings,

I stumbled upon your story while sifting through my daily emails. Although I have been on this site for a short while as of lately I do not frequent much, but I do read the emails that come to my phone. Upon reading that you are from Michigan, like myself, and seemingly not far from where I live in Rochester Hills, I was immediately intrigued and felt like not only do I totally know what you must be going through but I thought that I'd possibly like to know more about your story, considering that maybe we might be of some support to one another. Then you said something so ignorant that I was forced to log in after honestly not signing in for at least a few months. And that statement was calling most black people "ignorant!" While I wholeheartedly believe in free speech, not only am I an African American, but I am farrr from ignorant! I do not believe that this is what this site is all about, I will personally be taking my concerns to Mike. We are here to support one another, not talk about how F'd up we are, then have the gall to call a majority of ANY particular group "ignorant." Just my 2 cents at this juncture. On the other hand, nonetheless, I wish you well in your recovery, but you might try getting "yourself" together first & broadening your

mindset/cultural awareness before taking special time out of your day to crap all over someone else. Good day to you.

F. Wings

[emuhleexo]

i apologize if i offended you, and you are right and i took it out. i can honestly say the reason i used that word is because that's how the people i surrounded myself with in high school refered to african americans as in our school, either rachet or ignorant and i just googled the definition and no that is not what i meant! at all! and i can turly say that, i've grown alot and after i was jumped i was like 13 & i was offended, and it made me think african americans were all the same, but their not, i would be the first to pass judgement on them let alone ANYONE, and yeah that it is wrong, and yes i will admit that,

i am not using this site to judge ANYONE, that is not my place,

but i am on this site to share my experience, my story, the things i went thru, and that's what i did. i wanted to share my war story... before i can share my recovery story

it took me alot of counselling to acknowledge how i felt about african americans, appreciate and accept that all african americans arent the same, i have ALOT of black friends, i've come along way since being the kind of person that was so judgemental, and i will not be judged as being that kind of person, it was my bad i didnt go in more detail to explain the story, and i apologize!

[emuhleexo]

i'd like to apologize one more time, this time to everyone, i don't expect you to understand what i went thru when i was jumped,i was sheltered my whole life and that wass the first traumatic thing thAT happend to me, and i am proud to say i overcame it, i didnt want to leave my house after i was jumped,i was paranoid every where i went they broke my nose, and triggered this anxiety in me that i have had ever since the incident happend, among other things! and that isn't an excuse to what i said AT ALL but if u only knew how counseling helped me over come it... i would like to share my story and maybe have some kind of support that understands, i am NOT racist- far from it!

[sky]

here there, welcome to the forum. You'll get a lot of insight from folks on here, it's a great community of people all dealing with similar plights and at various stages in their quitting/ recovery.

Your story is like many of ours, especially in our younger years where we had to learn lessons the hard way, and over and over and over again... the lucky ones live to tell their stories, live to regret wasting so much time out there, live to be grateful for being one of the lucky ones who made it and make it.

It was tough being young, we all remember those times, and like the big fat bank account of free money, youth was so easy to blow thru. The hard days of partying, abusing our bodies, poisoning our minds, the affects lasted as long as the effects, hangovers were slight, sore throats were mild, raspy lungs, scarred veins, all those things were battle scars that we wore with pride, romanticized, they made us cool and righteous, our friends were our family, and together we toed the lines, put our lives in each others hands, said fuck you to the world... and it was hard to see that bank account getting depleted because it seemed endless.

But someday it runs dry. If you can manage to turn things around before it's empty you'll be a miracle, as most of us run that shit until the wheels fall off. We have to go to jail, we have to lose loved ones, we have to see the pain in our parents or spouses or kids eyes as we fail them once again. Still, we're lucky they don't have to bury us, or watch us go away to prison.

It's not a life time disease if we don't let it be. We can learn to redefine ourselves. We can walk away from all of that and become totally different people, with new hopes and aspirations, with new dreams and goals. We can become totally different people, with maybe some unique and crazy stories to tell, but those stories are our past, not who we are today. I am not the same person I was when I was 20s, I am completely different, with a new set of values, with a new perspective on myself, my family, strangers, and the world. I don't have to fight that battle on a daily basis nor be in a constant state of peril fearing that I will relapse and constantly staving that off.

We can work to better ourselves and become new and improved people. It takes work, it is a never ending process, it is a perpetual state of ascension, rising higher and higher each day...

So welcome to this forum. I hope you're one of the ones who stick around and becomes a part of the community, who develops a plan of action for quitting and getting life straightened out, who gives advise and insight to new folks who show up here. We see a lot of people come and go, it's nice when the Quitting Adderall family grows by one more who decides they want something better for themselves, and adderall isn't a part of that future...

[quit-once]

Freedom's Wings, thank you for setting her straight on the racist comments. We are all brothers and sisters in various stages of addiction and/or recovery and racism has no place on this forum. It is worse than spam, in my opinion.

Emhuleexo, thank you for removing your offensive comments before I had a chance to read them and thank you for your apology. Good luck with your recovery.

[Kyle_Chaos]

"taking adderall is like taking a pill that transforms me into the person i always want to be, the person i strive to be, but is not. i am not that person, that pill makes me that person." - me

Hi, i'm Emily, i'm 20 yrs old, and i live in a small suburb right outside of Detroit, MI. i came across this site a little over a yr ago while trying to look online to see if there was anybody else out there who felt the same way i did... addicted to adderall!

it all started when i was in the 9th grade, i got jumped by 3 big black girls while walking to a nearby ice cream shop. i was traumatized, after that happened two weeks later my uncle committed suicide on booze and pills, so my mom took me to a counselor there they thought it would be a good idea to see a psychiatrist and they said they thought i had ADD. when i first took it i didn't like it, i felt like a zombie so i told my mom i didn't want to take it anymore, so i didn't. that was in the fall of my freshman year.

Around November or Decemember my grandpa died unexpectedly then the following spring my grandma was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer, so she moved down here from up north to go to an assisted living. during that time i started dating my high school sweet heart jerry. he was my first serious boyfriend, and i guess u could say first love... i later realized that i was never in love with him but i did love him, i will get to that later....

so he would go with me everyday to go see my grandma, she was only in there for about a month before we all gathered around her bed and watched her take her last breath. the first thing i remember doing was going into my moms purse and taking the first pill i could find which was my adderall prescription, i took 2 then jerry drove me home.

i must have smoked literally about 1 pack on the way home.... and listened to the same song, supernova by oasis. l Loved the way that the adderall made me feel so i asked my mom to put me back on it.

all of a sudden i would go to school, not sleep but want to learn. i would do my homework as soon as i could then i would sit there and draw, then when it came to lunch i wouldn't be hungry.. at all, so i started saving my 5$ a day to buy weed.

Lets fast forward to the beginning of my sophomore year, i had to have a foot surgery from an accident i had as a baby, and i was put on home-bound so i would wake up, take my addy, do all my homework then clean clean clean,, or spend 4 hours getting ready, then waiting for jer to get off work so we could go to our friends house alex and smoke weed. in the beginning i would get really bad anxiety i couldn't explain it. so within the 5 months i was on home-bound i lost ALOT of weight. i was about 150 when i started and got down to 120. and i loved it, i was finally the person i wanted to be, skinny energetic, and smart.

by the 2nd semester of my sophomore year i was achieving a 4.0 and on volleyball, i was actually being scouted for a volleyball scholarship but that all ended quickly.

i started going out all the time, with or without my boyfriend at that point. i just wanted to go out and be social, i didn't even care if i drank just as long as i was on adderall and had a blunt it was all good. around this time in my life i started to become very promiscuous, i would lie to jer to hang out with other guys and eventually started cheating on him. and he had no idea. i became a liar and a people pleaser.

i have been in special ed since like middle school for reading comprehension, but after i got off home-bound i asked my mom if there was any way i could test out because the work was so easy and i wanted more of a challenge. i went to the test on a two day addy binge and still passed, so i was put in general ed... with ALL of my friends.

so by junior year i started skipping to leave school and smoke, dropped out of volleyball, and started to abuse my adderall more and more. my mom held on to my prescription so i began asking for two instead of one. i would go to school on 1 then run home right after 3rd hr because i wanted more. more more more. that became my main focus. then i eventually wouldn't do anything unless i had my adderall. with out it felt lazy, i wouldn't even get out of bed to shower.

close to when i turned 18 i was asking my mom for 3 to 4 a day, my mom is bi polar szchiphrenic, and in about a week or so i was out, and i asked why and she said she wanted to try them out like "baby food".

ever really since i can remember my mom has these "epidsodes" i call them, when shes on her meds she s like super mom, the best mom i could ever ask for then shell stop taking her bi polar meds because shes feeling good, and welll have an episode... when she has these shes not herself, she talks to her self, talks in tounges, doesnt clean, doesnt make food, and doesnt take care of my little sister amy, were 7 yrs apart and ever since i turned 12 or 13 once my older brother and sister moved out taking care of her, and my mom was my responsiblity, because my dad is a very passive person. he just kinda looks the other way, while my mom needs to go to the hospital, well pyzh ward and get on her medicines. after my little sister was born, my dad said thts when this all started. she goes to the mental hospital, @ least every 4-5 months, it's A Cycle, and during that time im the one responsible for my sister, laundry shopping, cooking, EVERYTHING. no one else will do it so i have to, and my little sister now resents my mom for this bc shes never there when she needs her, and it doesnt help that now that shes getting older, im no longer her hero, but someone she doesnt want to turn out like and it hurts, and my dad doesnt care.

by my senior year i was failing almost everything and just decided to drop out. i hated going to school and i just wanted the easy way out. i dropped out 3 weeks into my senior year..

me and jer were still together but we started to begin fighting alot because i was always lieing,

i don't know if you've ever been in love, but love makes u do crazy things. our relationship started to become violent, he never hurt me but he has punched out my windows in my car, and then one time this guy was dropping me off @ my car at a restaurant and jer ended up blowing out his driver side window with a crow bar. he loved me so much and he could tell i was changing, i got attention from guys every where i would go and he didn't like it. and i honestly could care less, i wanted to just go out and be single, it was like i lived a double life, and it was and is not fair to him.

then i turned 18. when i turned 18 i got a settlement from the accident i had on my foot when i was a baby, i had 30,000$$ wired into my bank account on midnight of my birthday, at that time i was off the adderall for about a week, so the first thing i did was buy jer and i laptops, stayed at his house, then the next day i was suppose to go shopping with my mom and little sister, so i bought some adderall from one of my dealers, and from there on out the adderall made me feel like i was the shit.i had hair extensions, i was tan, i was skinny beautiful and banking. that night i asked a girl i grew up with to go to the club and we did and i had the time of my life. i started ignoring jer all the time. then me and this girl decided to get an apartment, and i told her @ first i would help her out bc she was working at Wendys and not ,making much... we leased the apartment and 2 weeks later i made her move out bc she proved to me that i couldn't trust her.

by this time all the decisions i was making were all on impulse i didn't think to save half, or buy a new car or anything. i lived in the moment and all i cared about was were i was getting my next high and where to blow my money.

then i got a friend request from this guy named jeremy, i added him and saw on his profile that he was going to school to be an interior designer, and @ that time that's what i wanted to do with my life. so we started texting, and turns out he sold adderall, so i went and bought a few from him one night after jer dropped me off at my car and we were suppose to meet up @ a mutual friends party after i ran my "errand".

meeting jeremy was unexplainable. it was love @ first sight.

i went to the party right after i got the addys and jer and i of course got into another fight, and he went home and said he was bringing a gun back bc his boy wanted him to leave bc of our arguing,

i speed-ed on home to my apartment and spent the night alone with my puppy tweaking. the next day i was suppose to get more pills from jeremy so i went over there we smoke a bleezy, he showed me his work from interior design and i was so impressed, he was 25 and i was 18 and turns out my brother and him went to school together. so i left his house went home bc we planned on going to the movies that night, so he came to my apartment and we just ended up smoking and drinking a few beers. while we were there jer came pounding on the door, so we just acted like no one was there and finally he went away. that night me and jeremy talked about everything, we had this strong connection, we were out on my porch and it started poring rain, and he kissed me, out of nowhere, unexpected, and it took my breath away. we ended up having sex on the floor i didn't have furniture in front on the porch where anyone could see.

we were in separable after that. i ended up moving in with him at his sisters house, and i loved it at first, i loved his family, i loved him, i loved everything about us, not only were we so cute together i was IN love with him. when we started dating i ignored all of jerrys calls... i ended up just getting a new phone and changing my number. we never even officially ended it, i just pretty much left him.. and right before our 4 yr anniversy.

jeremy took me to do things ive never done before, like gamble, we went to an indian reservation casino and my first time there i won 5,000 dollars on a slot machine. and what did i do buy jeremy a crotch rocket.

i eventually would up driving 4hrs to go there, tweaking out for like 3 days straight on adderall and gambling my money away, i got my settlement in April and by December i had nothing left.

after dating jeremy for a couple of months i noticed warning signs... about his anger and jealousy and i should have ran the other way, but i felt like this was the guy i was going to marry and have children with!

i started taking Xanax for my anxiety, and that's when jeremy began noticed i had a problem with pills. i started taking alot of zannys and blacking out all the time

jeremy broke up with me while i was in rehab my first time. i felt like it was the end of the world.

i came home in December and he still wanted nothing to do with me and then my life changed, i found out i was pregnant

.

i told jeremy because i felt like he needed to know and all i wanted him to say was okay yay lets have this baby, but no. he wanted me to have an abortion.

i was 18 at the time. i was using drugs constantly and i felt like i had no other choice but to get an abortion. jeremy didn't even take me. my girlfriend did, that was the hardest decisions i have ever had to make in my life, and right after that i asked my parents to send me to a rehab in California i had to get away from this shit hole town i lived in.

i didn't tell jeremy i was going to California and while i was there he called me, he found out where i was at thru my parents. i was there for 3 months before i came home, and he picked me up from the airport we went straight to his house to have sex and while we were he said lets make another baby, that's when the head games started. he took me off all the meds the rehab gave me and put me on "marijuana maintenance" after about three weeks i relapsed again went back to rehab got out relapsed went back to rehab, it was the same and still is the same cycle since i've turned 18. jeremy tried to be as involved as he could he went to counseling with me, and really tried to understand addiction and everything... he would find my pills after a relapse and flush them down the toilet, then he started becoming abusive from fighting so much,

one day i was curling my hair and he burned me with the curling iron because he didn't want other guys to pay attention to me. he one time locked me in the basement for 12 hrs with out a phone, computer anything. it got to the point to where we had a bad fight and he told me, i want u to kill yourself the world would be better if u just killed yourself so i punched him in the face while we were driving and he ended up dropping me off @ my parents, where i made a suicide note and tried to kill my self off pills. my dad found me and took me to the psych ward, and from there i went to rehab, and i ended things completely with jeremy. well actually he ended things with me which made me even more, i wouldn't say obsessive not like stalkerish, but i was obsessed with the fact that i could change my self and make him want me.

i've been to rehab 9 times since i've turned 18, and this past September i was arrested for retail fraud, i was all zannied out and stole 300$ worth of shit from Kohls the judge gave me a year on probation.. which i have been struggling with, at first she made me drop for drugs 2 times a week and i did good, for about two months then i was thinking okay i can take an adderall here and there, well i ended up violating for dropping dirty so she made it to 3 X a week, and i just dropped dirty again for amphetamines so since my last violation has come in the mail i went to see my probation officer, nd i straight up told her, i cant do this, i don't have the self control nor will power, i asked her if i could just do jail time and make it so i'm done with probation because i cant stay clean and the judge told me last time i violated, one more u get 30 days straight. my probation officer and i ended up having a heart to heart, and she made me realize that i CAN do it, and i know that, but i cant come home to the same environment i do any other time, which is my parents house. they baby me, i don't have a job at the moment i'm just use to them taking care of everything and i know and have been told i am not a little girl anymore, but i want to be, i don't want to grow up and have to be responsible, but then again, this is my last chance. my probo officer told me that i need to go into impatient (AGAIN) before my court date which is Feburary 14th. so for the past week all i've been doing is getting high, taking advantage of this time, saying for the thousand millionth time, this is the last time i'm doing this shit.

up until October the only person i knew that have died from drugs was my uncle, and that all changed quickly, first two kids i went to high school with died on their way home from a strip club from drinking and driving.

two weekends later, this kid i dated in middle school and another kid i went to high-school with were murdered right down the street from me, and dumped in an ally on the east-side of Detroit then a week later two kids i knew from westland were murdered also.

i went to all of those funerals and it WAS a wake up call... this is what addiction does to you.

it's like i have to do this, it's either this or go to jail and i don't really want to go to jail, i did at first just so i can get this shit over with and get high when i come out, but i'm starting to look at this in a way of not taking the easy way out, i have my whole life. it's time to grow up, and take control and responsibility for my actions. it's like i know what i need to do, but i don't want to, i sometimes feel that if i just ignore it will all go away, and ill wake up 14 with another chance at life.

but i need to take the mistakes I've made and use them to my advantage.

@ this point i can honestly say that the only thing i have accomplished is being one hell of an addict, and excellent liar, and have mastered becoming a thief, and stealing things.

i'm the first one to co-sign my own bullshit. and it;s time to stop. it's time. i don't want to depend on my parents for money,

i'm somewhat offically over jeremy, we talk and sorta hook up every now and then but being around him is not the same @ all...

me and jerry made up, i dont know how or why he forgave me, but he did, i apologized for taking him for granted and he accepted the apology, but we are just friends, and i find my self wanting another chance with him. he has his shit together hes in school for engineering, he works on my car, and he was actually just over today looking at it and my parents kept telling me, you should get him back, it was such a mistake how u hurt him, and i know that. i feel like an asshole, and i have brought that up to him before, that i want to be with him and he tells me he just cant see us in a relationship... i'm hoping things will change as we mature but he his the one person i can ALWAYS count on.

up until this point i have avoided getting in trouble with the law, i never thought "that would be me" but it is, this can either be the start of a rap sheet or it can be a wake up call, a lesson- the last thing i want to do is go back into rehab but this time im ready to go, all the other times it was bc either jeremy, or my parents wanted me too, but i need to do this because i want to. like they say-

"JAiLS, iNSTiTUTiONS, OR DEATH"

i have two down.... only one to go.

Meh, you didn't offend me. Then again, it takes a lot, sometimes I think I'm a sociopath.

I wish you the best of luck and welcome to the forum.

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

You've got a lot going on, em. Do you have a plan on quitting? You have quite a story ...

[emuhleexo]

Thanks guys!

& yes i do, i've been on probation, and i violated once in December and the judge just gave me the work program and changed my drops to 3X a week, and told me if i violate one more time i'm getting 30 days straight. So then i had the smart idea to take the adderall on the last day i drop for the week and take some and it should be out in 2-3 days.... nope! i got a letter in the mail that i have a show of cause hearing on Feb 14th for dropping dirty for amphetamines... so then i just pretty much said fuck it, so i've been taking it everyday for the last week... i had my monthly probation meeting with the p.o on Monday and i went in there like i just want to do the time instead of continuing my probation bc i pretty much felt like fuck it ill do the time get out and can get high any time i want... i feel like i have no will power, nor self control and i told her that and my p.o and i ended up having this heart to heart, and i came out with a totally different view on life.... like reality hit, so she told me i should check in to impatient as soon as possible...

i sat in the car after and cried, this will be my 10th time in rehab since i turned 18. that's alot, i've attempted to live sober countless times and i always end up relapsing no longer than 2 months in to it. i feel like a failure, i feel like the only way i know anymore is the easy way out. so i've decided i have until feburary 14th to check into rehab for the LAST time. i'm using the time until then to take advantage of getting high for the last time yet again... and when i check into impatient i'm going to apply myself- and take advantage of that time to get my thinking right and make goals and actually embrace all of it and from there i'm going to a sober living. i've made the desicion i can't and will not from that point forward live with my parents. they baby me, i need to take responibilty for my life.. i'm going to get a job and work on getting my ged so i can start college. i want to work with kids, mainly autistic and special needs... and i can't be a druggie. it's time to make the right descions that will benifit me... not destroy me.

[emuhleexo]

here there, welcome to the forum. You'll get a lot of insight from folks on here, it's a great community of people all dealing with similar plights and at various stages in their quitting/ recovery.

Your story is like many of ours, especially in our younger years where we had to learn lessons the hard way, and over and over and over again... the lucky ones live to tell their stories, live to regret wasting so much time out there, live to be grateful for being one of the lucky ones who made it and make it.

It was tough being young, we all remember those times, and like the big fat bank account of free money, youth was so easy to blow thru. The hard days of partying, abusing our bodies, poisoning our minds, the affects lasted as long as the effects, hangovers were slight, sore throats were mild, raspy lungs, scarred veins, all those things were battle scars that we wore with pride, romanticized, they made us cool and righteous, our friends were our family, and together we toed the lines, put our lives in each others hands, said fuck you to the world... and it was hard to see that bank account getting depleted because it seemed endless.

But someday it runs dry. If you can manage to turn things around before it's empty you'll be a miracle, as most of us run that shit until the wheels fall off. We have to go to jail, we have to lose loved ones, we have to see the pain in our parents or spouses or kids eyes as we fail them once again. Still, we're lucky they don't have to bury us, or watch us go away to prison.

It's not a life time disease if we don't let it be. We can learn to redefine ourselves. We can walk away from all of that and become totally different people, with new hopes and aspirations, with new dreams and goals. We can become totally different people, with maybe some unique and crazy stories to tell, but those stories are our past, not who we are today. I am not the same person I was when I was 20s, I am completely different, with a new set of values, with a new perspective on myself, my family, strangers, and the world. I don't have to fight that battle on a daily basis nor be in a constant state of peril fearing that I will relapse and constantly staving that off.

We can work to better ourselves and become new and improved people. It takes work, it is a never ending process, it is a perpetual state of ascension, rising higher and higher each day...

So welcome to this forum. I hope you're one of the ones who stick around and becomes a part of the community, who develops a plan of action for quitting and getting life straightened out, who gives advise and insight to new folks who show up here. We see a lot of people come and go, it's nice when the Quitting Adderall family grows by one more who decides they want something better for themselves, and adderall isn't a part of that future...

​Wow! thank you so much for your input! that really inspired me! i do plan on sticking around and sharing my experience this time with quitting adderall... i need to do things different this time, and this will be one of them. this is now my new support group, i go to NA around here, and in the past i would never feel comfortable sharing my deep thoughts, and lately when i am tweaking off addys, or coming down i've started writing, and i enjoy it, it feels good to write this all down!

[sky]

see you're going into rehab all wrong. you're setting yourself up for failure. we can help you, but not while you're actively using.

I feel like if you're on adderall and have no intention of stopping until you go to rehab on 2/14, then you, out of respect for everyone else on here, shouldn't post on here. read posts, get inspiration, write to your hearts content, but not on these forums, as we are all not using/ quitting, and actively using until you're forced to stop in rehab is not quitting.

the reason why you're setting yourself up for failure is because your mind set is fucked. you view adderall as something great and something to take advantage of as long as you can, not as something destructive and that has caused losses for you. So once you enter rehab, you are going to miss it, pine for it, and like you've said- do your time and as soon as you can use again. there are a lot of folks who come around, those of us who write and give and get support, only have so much to give. It honestly gets frustrating pouring your heart out to people you're trying to encourage and help, only to see them bounce after a few days of posting on here. In other words, you've got some soul searching to do, some things to figure out, and as long as you're actively taking adderall with every intention of continuing, you're not going to be able to sort that out, as your mind is poisoned by the very thing that is causing trouble, and as long as it's got a grip on you, it's not going to let go.

I've seen a shit ton of folks enter rehab fucked up, they do the exact same thing, they use on their way to checking in. how do you think they do? My suggestion, stop using now and enter rehab sober and wanting to quit and move forward...

[Krax]

Em you sound like a very nice and bright young lady, but I have to agree with Sky - it's frustrating for us to read about you, sort of get to know you, when at the same time you're telling us that you are making a conscious choice to continue using. It's hard because we sort of (I know I do) start to care about each other's well-being. It's tough to read about one of us relapsing, but it's good too because we can lend support when that happens. On the other hand though it's even tougher to read about you when you let us get to know you and at the same time are describing your intentional self-destruction, it just sucks to have to read that - and I wouldn't want you not to come here for support I just don't know if you are ready for the support that is available here.

[SomedayDreamer]

Before even reading any of her words, I knew straight away the OP was on it right now... hypergraphia, man. I used to get that big time on addy. Taking three paragraphs to say what can be summed up in a sentence.

I can't sustain my attention long enough to read it, but I hope she wants and gets help.

[Freedom's Wings]

Em,

I replied to you earlier through my email, not sure what happened to the response however. Hope I didn't send it to to some random person lol. Anyway, I don't have much time to chat at the present moment but I would like to say, thank you removing that portion of your article, no hard feelings here. As I said earlier we on this site all share a common demon, and I am sure many other similarities than we do differences. Thus it's good to get to know people for who they are and not by their shade.

And although I have got to run, like I said earlier we are basically neighbors geographically speaking, perhaps we may be of great support or otherwise to one another.. I am not opposed to starting a Quitting Adderall group in the Metro area, if I can find others interested in doing so. Feel free to message me anytime.

F.WiNGZ...

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

so i've decided i have until feburary 14th to check into rehab for the LAST time. i'm using the time until then to take advantage of getting high for the last time yet again... and when i check into impatient i'm going to apply myself- and take advantage of that time to get my thinking right and make goals and actually embrace all of it and from there i'm going to a sober living.

Em, honey. I really feel for you but just please re-read the sentence above. It's like saying you're going to eat pizza and chocolate cake and candy all day every day for nearly a month and then go on a diet.

Do you really think you're going to:

1) want to go to rehab after all that binging on adderall, building up your addiction to a frenzy, not giving a shit about what it's going to do to you physically once you detox?

2) get the most out of rehab considering you're probably going to have the most INSANE cravings while you are there, and will just be biding your time till you get back out so you can start using again? and finally,

3) be able to get strong enough in rehab to want to really change your life when you get out?

If you haven't been able to prove to yourself that you can live in the free world, outside of rehab, without adderall, xanax and weed, what makes you think rehab this time around will make it any different? I really do want the best for you but you have to be realistic. You're not in the right mindset for recovery. Not yet.

Look: you've got 4 weeks before you go to rehab. How awesome it would be for you to enter rehab having had a month of recovery on your own, knowing you have the strength to get by at least the first few weeks alone. then you can make the most of your rehab and learn the skills you haven't learned the last 9 times.

We can help you, but you have to start on your own. Let us know you're planning to quit before the 14th Feb, and we will be your cheering squad, we promise. As you can see by the way this community has supported me today, they really are a fucking fantastic group of people, if they know you really are committed to changing your life.

... so what's the plan, lovely lady? You with us or not? You flushing your pills tomorrow? Hey, it's not like you have anything to lose! The only person getting in your way is you. And you're smart, and you know it. You just got to have faith and commitment and do the hard work.

Let us know what you decide...

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

By the way, just a thought: are you sure adderall is the only amphetamine you're on or have tried? If you are in search of the ultimate high I just wonder, maybe in the back of my mind, that it's meth you're dealing with too. Tell me I'm wrong, I hope to the flying spaghetti monster I am.

[SomedayDreamer]

I can't sustain my attention long enough to read it, but I hope she wants and gets help.

My apologies to the OP, I really didn't mean to sound rude there. What I meant is that am not even 2 weeks into recovery yet and right now my attention span is about as long as my pinky toe- it's wasn't for lack of interest in your story. Sorry, just wanted to clear that up.

[emuhleexo]

yes i agree... i am setting myself up for failure by continuing to use up until i go...

and i'm sorry if i offended anyone with the fact that i am an active user @ the moment.

i'm out of pills as of last night so i'm about to go thru my withdrawal which will be probably sleeping for 3 days straight and just getting up to eat, so with that said i am going to go to sleep i will check back in with everyone as soon as i feel up to going online... i'm going to need support up until i check into rehab, i want to make this change, why not start now... im only hurting my self by using more.

and i have tried crack, and meth, just once each but i was on adderall when i did and i didnt feel any different... adderall is my drug of choice, i rather have that then crack meth coke anyyyyyyyyyyything!

ill try and make an attempt to log on @ least every other day and update!

thanks guys!\

em xoxoxo

[emuhleexo]

Taking three paragraphs to say what can be summed up in a sentence.

I can't sustain my attention long enough to read it, but I hope she wants and gets help.

lol ya sorry so long guys,!

[Krax]

Em good for you we will be thinking about you and I look forward to hearing from you again soon -

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

adderall is my drug of choice, i rather have that then crack meth coke anyyyyyyyyyyything!

Just so you're aware, meth can be up to 100x stronger than adderall. You will be killing your brain if you continue with that stuff..

[SomedayDreamer]

lol ya sorry so long guys,!

Oh no, I didn't mean to make you feel self-concious... it's just I recognized it (hypergraphia) right away as something I used to do all time on the adderall. If I had originally posted my own story while still on addy it would've gone something like:

"Well, you see, 35 years ago I came into this world as a wee but spry babe of 4lbs. 15 oz., despite being full-term, and then my early formative years were rather uneventful until one day in preschool......" LOL, I would've gone on in discursive over analysis, writing, writing, writing-- it was the adderall that did it.

I hope you will continue posting as you go through this next part