Comfortably Numb--

[BeHereNow]

Dear Adderall,

You were always pretty good at being there for me when I wanted some emotional novocaine. That wasn't the main reason I kept you around, but it was a secondary one, and you were pretty good at "helping" when I didn't feel like dealing with my emotions--about my personal life, about having to sit and work for so many hours. When I needed to feel less.....human. You used to be like this voice, calling me, pretending you could help.

Hello,

Is there anybody in there

Just nod if you can hear me

Is there anyone at home

Come on now

I hear you're feeling down

I can ease your pain

Get you on your feet again

I thought I missed you for that today, too. I am still mourning a bad breakup from a 4-year relationship (that you probably helped ruin, although it was doomed from the beginning), and I just found out an old acquaintance-friend from high school died. Drug related, actually. And the work I need to do feels like lifting mountains, I didn't sleep much last night, the brain fog is almost unbearable.

But then I watched an old favorite from The Wall and remembered the tragic effects of dehumanization. And drugs. I can't honestly say that some part of me doesn't want to be numb right now, but watching this I remember that I'd much rather be human and actually deal with my emotions.

That'll keep you going for the show

Come on, it's time to go.

There is no pain, you are receding

A distant ship smoke on the horizon

You are only coming through in waves

Your lips move but I can't hear what you're saying

I can't explain, you would not understand

This is not how I am

I have become comfortably numb

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

My heart goes out to you, Occasional1. Your writing is so visceral, so real... it's like we're with you through every stage of recovery. Your writing represents the highest of self realization and the lowest of the grieving process.

If I were to assume, I'd think you're probably entering a pretty depressing place right now. If you can, try to take the supplements religiously (they were a lifesaver for me), and cut up your day in to chunks, that way it seems a little more manageable. And do some reading of a nature that will make you feel more empowered. I've just started reading, "The Power of Now", which is not normally my type of literature but it's quite transformative.

And listening to music and connecting with it again is great, but sometimes you can get lost in the deep wallowing that comes with certain types of music [Pink Floyd, anyone]? I can always tell if I'm depressed if I find myself listening to hour upon hour of Pink Floyd.

You are on your way to the life you know you can live. You've taken the first steps. Just. Keep. Walking. Before you know it you'll look up and see you're nearly at the zenith.

[BeHereNow]

Thanks so much for kind your words and support, MIA! I agree--very depressing music I can't always listen to.... only on very special occasions. I was actually about to start wallowing and wishing I could be numb like that again when I started watching the video....I almost stopped myself from watching it, but didn't. But I'm actually happy I watched.

All those scenes of the drugged-up protagonist trapped in his cage of numbness, juxtaposed with the scenes of war--the result of dehumanization--reminded me that I would much, MUCH rather feel pain and work through my emotions than go back to that horrific, artificially numb place.

What kind of culture generates such urges towards numbness?

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

You sound like you need to read some Baudrillard... sometimes some post-modern deconstructionism is just the ticket to make us feel about as nihilistic and solipsistic as we could possibly be. Isn't solipsism one of the indicators of amphetamine addiction? I wonder which comes first... a personality who trends that way or a drug that takes advantage of it.

Which reminds me of my favorite quote of happy Jean Baudrillard's... "All societies end up wearing masks".

From America. (Try reading THIS while listening to David Gilmour for a wholly tortured experience):

http://www.amazon.com/America-New-Jean-Baudrillard/dp/184467682X

[BeHereNow]

Will do! Thanks for the recommendations!

Also, MIA, I want you thank you for what you said about my writing. On a deeper level it helped me remember that I AM a writer and for a reason. What you said meant a lot to me and gave me the confidence to remember my connection to my natural writing energy. Writing is pretty important to my discipline (I would consider myself to be a professional but unpublished writer and educator.) I have a huge body of writing either already written or within me. I've been directing a lot of that energy here because writing helps through everything.

But I realized that I can just re-direct that energy into my work, because I do have some deliverables to take care of right now!

After I went through this little Pink Floyd moment today, I went for a quick beautiful walk in the woods. Bought some food and a bottle of red wine, came home and started writing--with markers and drawings!--took a nap, and now I've been writing all night. That's a full work night of writing and I am so happy about it. I have fired my inner editor and I am letting all my ideas flow, creatively, disorganized, whatever happens so long as my brain is uncaged. As long as the pen is moving it's an immensely good thing. Anyway, I don't know if I would have had the confidence or courage to write all night tonight if you hadn't said that to me today. Thank you so much--well, thanks is inadequate, but, I wanted you to know how much your support means to me.