Getting off the ride

[Mikey D]

I'm new to this forum so bare with me. I will say that when I found this site a few days ago it was truly refreshing. I've been on adderall for about 4-5 years, I took most of 2012 off where I was clean for about 6-7 months, then I lapsed back. I was diagnosed ADD as a child, but my parents where very religious and didn't believe in putting me on add meds, but they had no problem filling my teeth with amalgams, (a silver/mercury cocktail of gloom) , and pumping me full of vaccines. Ha, but can I blame them, they didn't know any better and thought they were doing the right thing.

My ADD didn't start till about the 5th grade, when I had some serious dental work done. Looking back I can see the signs, the beginning of the lethargy, the horrible focus, and the brain fog. Despite all that I still was a very active kid, great at sports, very creative, and fun. As far as academics went I sucked. I guess I was decent, at most classes except math, but academically my focus was just not there. In Math I have never got past algebra 1. To be honest I don't even know how I got through high school, but I did. I think the teachers just winged me through, which is fine, it worked for the time, but when it came time for real life and the real world, I couldn't hack it. I couldn't hack the mold. Most of my time in high school was spent screwing around with girls, and drugs. I always had some common sense about me and stayed away from the real hard stuff, crack, meth, etc. I did try adderall and ritalin from a buddy at school, he refused to take his meds and gave me some. I enjoyed them for about a week. After HS, I remembered back to that week of 11th grade and realized I accomplished more in that week then I did the whole time I was there. At least it seamed that way. So when I got to college, I realized I'm not going to make it through this without some meds. knowing what I know now, I believe that was bull, but I went to the doc, set down, told him I couldn't focus and within 20 minutes had a script to 20 mg of Addy. "Man that was easy!" I thought to myself. I went and filled my script, hopped on the ride and popped my first legal pill. I can truly say it's been a long, yet fast ride, a blur, a mash up of emotions, highs, lows, and abstract memories. I think back now, and say, what has happened, where did the time go?

My first six months on 20 mg was a bit too much. I talked to the Dr and tried 15 mg ir, and latter got adjusted to 10mg xr which was perfect for me at the time. 10mg xr was my sweet spot. Not to geeked, and the crashes were not to harsh. I remember back to the day before I got on these meds, I had a dream which I brushed off and ignored. In the dream I was running around detached from reality. I was taken the blue and orange pills in it. In the dream, I developed a psychosis, an insanity. I couldn't comprehend others, and my emotions were not there, but it felt like prison, like torment in myself. I woke up told myself it was irrelevant and went and got my script.

The turning point for me was seeing the things in this dream start to slowly come to past. I watched my personality drift off like a vessel at sea, while I stood at the dock and did nothing. I have found my short term memory is horrible. My memory before Addy used to be outstanding. The scary thing is, I would get out driving in my own town and start to not recognize things I've seen my whole life. Those moments started to throw me into a panic attack. I was scaring myself and this was on 10mg. Thats when I said it's time to quit for good. So I did in 2012 for about 6-7 months. I told the doctor I wanted to try something else, and I suggested Focalin xr (zombie trance) which he gave to me. I used it on days when I had to get something done. It helped for a few hours and then turned me into Slingblade, only I wasn't craving mustard biscuits. So I quit it as well. Then I made it about 6 months clean.I wasn't on anything. Which was tough especially the first 3 months. At 3 months I noticed my compulsive, goofy, creative self was coming back to me, and it did, but I allowed myself to get caught up in the busyness of life and I started to day dream about adderall

So in middle December 2012 I went back and got my script, big mistake. It didn't take long all the negative symptoms came back fast, but they seemed to magnify. The short term is so bad it scares me, plus the lethargy, the aches, the pains, and the mental torment. The bad far out weighs the good for me at this point. The beginning of my first 2 years seemed great, but after that something happened, and now the affair is over. As of today I'm 7 days clean, I'm not looking back. I have 1 pill left, the fact that it's even in my car, the very thought of it pisses me off, almost like I'm stowing a criminal in there. I've developed chronic fatigue, or adrenal fatigue. Come to find out the adderall was taxing my body so much that it has exhausted my adrenals to the point where my hormones are jacked up bad. My T levels are so low that I've started getting bitch tits, my wife says "you need a training braw." of course she is joking, but ouch! I was told thats why I can't concentrate and have no energy at all. So now I'm in the process of re-building my adrenals, and my dopamine (which is trickling) by nutrition and mild exercise. I was told that this will eventually restore me.

I keep telling myself if I had a time machine I would go back and talk to myself, but what good does that do. The ride has come to stop, and I'm getting off and not getting back on, EVER.

I've made it 7 days so far, I'm just waiting for that 2-3 month mark. I'm standing on that dock, waiting, and I can say I think I see my personality out drifting on the horizon and it's slowly but surely starting to come back my way. I hope.

[Heather67]

Welcome welcome dude!!!! This place is the best!!!, good for you seeing your issues with addies and being hell bent on moving forward ...cause that's what it takes...its not easy and you'll encounter some fucked up shit I'n your head and here's where you're bringing it!!!! I laughed about the fugitive in the car.....I always tell how I saw an orange flash at the bottom of my purse....heart started racing and I'm like "score " alas..it was just a fuckin apple jax...hahaha ...but that's how fucked up I am for ya.....I'm thinkin you're gonna fit right in here! !! Keep doing it son!!!!! And post your ass off! !!!

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

You know I honestly believe that when we give up, we go through a grieving process. It's compounded by the necessary depression we have to go through (because our brains are depleted of so much bloody dopamine), so it's hard to parse out, but there is a definite SARAH (shock, anger, rejection, acceptance, healing) that accompanies the beginning stages of recovery. You sound like you're processing a lot of what happened to you through your late stages of addiction. It is very confusing, I know.

The memory loss thing and the confusion for me were some of the most terrifying side effects of the late stages of the addiction. And it got WORSE instead of better during the first month in recovery. I couldn't remember the beginning of sentences I'd started; names of basic objects; even my own address once when I got in a taxi. And then for some reason entirely WRONG words would come out of my mouth, even though I was thinking of the right word... I called the bed a dog, the windows I called the curtains, it was word salads all day for a few days (yes it sounds hilarious, but I was terrified). I thought I had permanent brain damage.

But everyone here said don't worry, you will heal, it just takes time. And look! Now I can form complete sentences without hardly stopping! I don't make nearly as many spelling mistakes! My grasp of the english language is slowly coming back and yesterday, just for the hell of it, I did the 9x table in my head forwards and backwards just for practice. I have started playing words with friends again, because heck I enjoy thinking of words and it's not just a stupid exhausting game.

Your brain will come back is what I'm trying to say. Your memories will come back. Your body will return. Just be kind to it and it will be kind to you.

How is your wife dealing with you through your recovery (apart from lending you her bra )? It takes its toll on our significant others, definitely.

[Mikey D]

You guys are encouraging. I"m curving those man boobs with some push ups (fingers crossed). As for my wife she"s great i couldn"t get through this with out her. I was out of town last week right before i quit I was having mega panic attacks and horrible brain lethargy. I do"t mean to sound like a drama queen but I thought i was dying. All i cared about at that point was getting home to her. Feeling so miserable wasnt so bad if i could get to her, and I did and all though the symtoms were still hitting me strong I felt if i died with those most important to me around I would be fine. Of couse that whole episode in my head was ridicoulus, all though in my mind it felt real.Shes been great, shes not Add so she cant relate but she tries and shes supportive.

Its the forgetfulness that bothers me the most. It's comforting to know I'm not the only one who is dealing with this. That thought alone was driving me bats.

@heathers thanks for the welcome, Oh the apple jack what a downer in the time of need. Been there sux

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

Just keep posting here. I felt bad at the beginning how much I posted and now I look back on it kind of like an online journal.

You'll be fine. Just one day at a time, and stay strong! There are some great suggestions on the other parts of the site on dealing with the ADD parts of our brains.