Heather67 Posted January 29, 2013 Report Share Posted January 29, 2013 I'm sure adderall will come up somewhere in this post...LOL. going to visit my husband in prison tomorrow, been about 2 months since I've gone...its s 2 hour drive with his Nana and my son. I am the worst prison wife...there is a kinda protocol ya know...and I have yet to grasp it. There's lingo and just stupid shit, its hard going there. I still can't adjust to him in the scrubs with MASS DOC on the back...it still hasn't sunk in...we're like 6 months into a 5 year sentence...actually more like 3.5 years if he holds it together....but Jesus Christ ...that's still so long. We were both using and life was so ridiculous and. Illicit and covert...and just a complete clusterfuck...he used till the day he went...and I continued using...were both clean now...he has 6 months and i have my 39 days...that was his goal for me ..he wanted me off it. So did I....but there is damage in this marriage,a lot of wounds left untreated. I survived a time I didn't think I could with him ....I feel greatly betrayed by him for heroin ...I was left behind in cars breaking down on hi ways....a child with fever and throwing up all night ...locking myself ouuta the house with no way in ...so many other things ....while he was busy getting dope!!!! I watched him go in the bathroom a miserable prick that I couldn't do anything right for and shoot up the only happy he needed...come out of the shitter a new man!!" I'd throw boxes of alcohol swabs in the sink and fill it with water to ruin them...snapped needles all the time..stepped on many a brand new bags. I saw a human strait lust for a drug...but is it the same as any other addiction??? Because I'm an addict too...but I don't feel I traded him for the drug. I watched things happen that I couldn't have done...is it cuz the drugs are different ??? That is some viscous shit....I have resentments and I have a fear of it that is huge ...why I'm not sure...if it surfaces again ..ever...it is a zero strike ballgame...I will be gone and it wont be hard to go this time...I will never battle that again. But how will this all feel in 3 or 5 years...how do you nurture something that so desperately needs it with bars in place. I want to just love him like it was before all of this drug horror...I want to let go of the past...but think some of it should be addressed ...the lets just wipe the slate clean thing??? Don't know....naaaahhhh. that wont be closure enough. There is a wedge....he left me..he let me fend for myself...he didn't protect us, he didn't choose us, he sold out everything about us...I am crying like a basket case...the hurt of feeling like I was nothing compared to heroin ...it gives him what even another human can't ..it has no fucking heartbeat....I do!!! My son does!!!! Fuckin shit drug!!!!! Sorry. I will be getting professional help on this topic when I have insurance again...soon. just throwing some of the random shit that muddles my head out for ideas.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sky Posted January 29, 2013 Report Share Posted January 29, 2013 http://youtu.be/owJGSyhMT0U Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather67 Posted January 29, 2013 Author Report Share Posted January 29, 2013 Oh my God!!! It is different, I knew that...and why don't I think I have an icicles chance in hell on this one. They smuggled the shit back here from Vietnam in our dead soldiers caskets and it blew up in this country. Thanks. Stupid and disrespectful fucks! Crazy from such a cool and beautiful flower like the poppy ...spawns such a relentless evil. Thank man kind for another display of fucking with gods simple plan!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Motivation_Follows_Action Posted January 29, 2013 Report Share Posted January 29, 2013 Just shows you that no matter what side of life we walk on, no matter if it's on a trading floor of a securities firm or an emergency room of a hospital or a prison; there are "rules" for behaving that can have the power to make someone feel accepted or rejected. Feeling like you don't know the rules is a lonely, disempowering place to be, and can drive people to all kinds of behavior that compromises their own personal integrity. I will be thinking of you outside your comfort zone. Your husband is lucky that you have stuck around where so many would not have. And that while he is inside, you're doing all this stuff to make it right on the outside. Does he know about your giving up? I hope along with your ability to recognize his pain he will also be able to celebrate with you your victory for 30 days over speed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather67 Posted January 30, 2013 Author Report Share Posted January 30, 2013 MFA....THANK YOU!! I never thought of it that way ...cause I can't seem to get anything right I do feel less than,just like his drug made me feel. I feel that for a chick trying so hard....I still can't get it quite right,I feel very small. It was a good visit...my son needed to see his father..and he needed to see him too. It was good for them both...I can always remove what I might need when it comes to that. Really...thanks for putting that light on it. XO Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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