Want to appreciate the small things in life again!

[Cat]

It's been 23 days since my last adderall after nearly 4 years on it. So thankful for this site. You guys have helped me get through some hard days.

My story is similar to a lot of yours... prescribed adderall when I was 23 after having made it through college with stellar grades and a bright future ahead. I knew I didn't have ADHD, just loved how adderall made me even better at everything and found a doc who was easily convinced.

At first it was great, and then it wasn't. I would take my pill, feel a little bit of energy (an ever diminishing amount) and then feel numb and irritated for the rest of the day. Sure, I could focus, but in a drone-like, emotionless way. And on all the wrong things.

Mostly I took what I was prescribed (40 mg Adderall a day for a while, then 50 mg Vyvanse) but occasionally I would double my dose. On Vyvanse that was a bad idea, it made me hyperfocused to the point where I would literally take two or three hours to write a blog post at work, just obsessed with perfecting every single word and sentence structure. Yet I still did it on days when I had a "big assignment" thinking I needed that extra focus. Seriously!

My drinking became out of control. If I could start drinking at noon, I would. Otherwise I'd get off work and come home and drink a bottle of wine. Hangovers were masked with another pill the next morning.

I was scared shitless of quitting. I thought I needed adderall to feel happy, even though I knew it was making me very unhappy. But I guess that's addiction. Every single morning, my brain would crave that dopamine surge and I knew exactly how to feed it.

I do mourn the past four years of my life, but I mourn for myself, not for the loss of the pill. I feel sad that my mind was tricked into thinking adderall was the thing I needed to be happy. It hurts especially to think of the happiest times -- vacations, adventures, time with my family, friends, my sweet boyfriend. All those mornings I woke up in a beautiful location surrounded by people I loved, and popped a pill, felt a tiny bit of euphoria for a minute, and then didn't feel anything for the rest of the day.

In a post from a while back, someone said "if you can't enjoy a sunset, feel love, or appreciate the small things in life without a pill -- something is wrong."

That's what I'll try to remember when I'm discouraged and depressed. It might take me longer to complete tasks at work. My house won't be as clean as it was. I won't be superwoman anymore. But it's worth it for the small things and for love. It's going to be hard but SO worth it.

[Heather67]

I feel ya Cat. My popularity was fed by the pills I consumed,people thought "wow..look at her go" while most people were winding down after a long day around 8:00 at nite...I was gearing up for round 2. God damn...I did my best work at nite. " really people don't plant window boxes at 11:00 at nite on a lovely June evening...well that's just fucked up"...LOL cuz I did. And indeed it was fucked up....for I knew I had such an unfair "advantage" for this wasn't human anything...this was not self induced motivation....I was a scam. A fake ..a poser. I had no.integrity,I no longer felt human...running for the pills every hour. Life is different today and has been for 40 days...I have integrity today...I live in the moment.even if its a shitty one ,free of the noose of adderall. It takes a longggg time to get use to life without it....but slowly is how it has to be. Beats the fast track to nowhere anyday.

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

Good for you, Cat. After 23 days what are some of the cool little things you've been able to enjoy that you woulnd't have otherwise?

[Cat]

Heather67, no kidding. Planting window boxes at 11 pm in June, spending half of Saturday cleaning the house. Not wanting to go walk to the coffee shop with coworkers because I was too busy focusing. Like you, I could NEVER live in the moment on adderall. Even if I was having fun at a particular moment, I would also be busy worrying about what we'd be doing next, what we'd do tomorrow, stressing about stuff I hadn't accomplished yet, and zillion other things.

MFA, good question. I'm counting on appreciating more moments as the time goes on.

- Reading a book

- Drinking a cup of tea

- Laying in bed on a really cold morning and just enjoying the warmth of it. Before, I'd need to get up immediately and start being productive.

- Riding in a train and just looking out the window and appreciating the sights, while listening to music, and reflecting on things. That type of experience was never possible on adderall.

Thanks for the responses! If anyone else wants to talk about small things or feelings they appreciate more now that adderall is gone, add your list.

[SomedayDreamer]

Definitely, how much of the small things that make life more "alive" are just totally filtered out when on adderall! Like we become deaf/blind to the subtleties that really make the whole experience. It's like listening to an orchestra but only hearing the horns or the strings, missing out on the symphony that's made as a whole. (I'm fairly sure I heard that analogy somewhere before... so credit to someone way clever than me ) I find it so true.

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

- Riding in a train and just looking out the window and appreciating the sights, while listening to music, and reflecting on things. That type of experience was never possible on adderall.

YES! I really relate to this. About a week after I quit I realized that I'd stopped doing one of my most fave things to do in the whole world. You see my subway crosses over the manhattan bridge every morning and evening on the way to/from work. Sometimes looking out the train window to the horizon would literally steal my gaze away from my blackberry, and cause me to pause and just BE. That never, ever happened on adderall. I just couldn't shut the noise out in my head long enough to take a deep breath and just "be".

Hurray for the present moment! Wherever you are right now, take a deeeeeep breath, close your eyes, and breathe all the air out of your lungs. If you can do this without thinking a million other things (like, why-is-this-supposed-to-relax-me-i-have-shit-to-do) and you can genuinely appreciate the sensation of the air going in and coming out, then that, dear friends, is freedom from adderall. Such an amazing feeling.

[olivia115]

I felt I needed it to be happy too. I remember I had a movie day with my friends one hungover day and I remember running back and forth to my room to pop a pill every now and then and as I was doing it I was thinking, what am i doing?! We're JUST watching a movie, it requires zero input or creativity from me! But I was so psychologically addicted that even the idea of just being in my own skin at the time was uncomfortable and I felt I needed to be medicated just to enjoy this time with friends. For me one of my favorite things has been just sitting in my living room with my roomates and enjoying being in their presence, watching tv or a movie, laughing, shooting the shit, being weird... It feels good, especially when non-medicated because I know I dont need something ELSE to enjoy the moment. I can just enjoy now without the anxiety of, when will it be over and I need to pop another pill?

[Cat]

Olivia, that was totally me. Needing adderall just to function even in situations that required no focus or creativity. It's funny how ridiculous it seems even looking back with just a few weeks or months of perspective.

Have to celebrate a moment just now... I've been focused on my work this afternoon and actually enjoying it. Just looked up and couldn't believe it was already 5 pm and two hours had passed since I last checked the time! I can't believe my ability to focus is already starting to come back after 25 days. And best of all, no pounding headache, no grinding teeth, no clenching jaws.

The difference is that whether my focus returns tomorrow is far from certain... with adderall every day was the same (flat) but now life deals me good days and bad ones. Bring it on.

[BeHereNow]

It hurts especially to think of the happiest times -- vacations, adventures, time with my family, friends, my sweet boyfriend. All those mornings I woke up in a beautiful location surrounded by people I loved, and popped a pill, felt a tiny bit of euphoria for a minute, and then didn't feel anything for the rest of the day.

Wow, this REALLY hits home. All those moments of potential happiness, all those "small" things like the people you love and beautiful places, ruined by a soul-numbing pill that we think will make us happy, but doesn't. That seems like it will enhance the experience....but really only removes us further from it. Thank you for sharing this. I was on the verge of trying to relapse until i re-read this and remembered.

[Cat]

Occasional01, we're all in this shit together. Glad you didn't relapse.

[BeHereNow]

Yes we are Cat! I didn't have it in front of me or anything, but yesterday was such a bad day I momentarily started thinking about how to find a supply and go back on it full time. Just couldn't get anything done. At. All. Sitting around the library staring blankly and falling asleep at my desk for hours, couldn't stop thinking things like "I'm a fraud and a failure." And then, I call my mom up to wish her a happy birthday and she casually tells me that my work performance now WILL AFFECT THE REST OF MY LIFE. She meant well, (and she doesn't know what I"m going through), but ummmmmm, THANKS MOM! I was like there's no way I can get through this depending only on myself! To keep up with my work load, I used to work 12-14 hours a day on adderall (so actually getting something rather than nothing done) and now I'm lucky if I work 2-4 half-assed hours a day....couldn't stop thinking I'm a fraud and a failure, that I'm fucking up my whole career by quitting.....and so lonely right now without a soul numbing drug to make me not notice the loneliness....... Yeah, that was yesterday.

But then I return here and you all help me remember the reasons we're on this road.

Cheers to yesterday being OVER.

Here's hoping the cholera in our shanty town has passed, or passes soon.

We have no choice but to carry on!

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

I was on the verge of trying to relapse until i re-read this and remembered.

Congrats on not relapsing. From someone who's taken just one pill at day 84, I can tell you it's totally NOT worth it. Don't give up on your great progress.

[Cat]

To keep up with my work load, I used to work 12-14 hours a day on adderall (so actually getting something rather than nothing done) and now I'm lucky if I work 2-4 half-assed hours a day...

This is so true for me too. Cheers to a new day.

[Cat]

Today is Day 45 and I wanted to update my original thread. Just had an amazing long weekend in the mountains with my boyfriend. This is like my Zen place in the world. Woke up today, back at home, and realized I didn't think about Adderall even once the whole weekend! To me, that is a huge accomplishment and one of the main reasons I wanted to quit. I wanted to be able to create my own happiness and find contentment where I know it exists, without a pill.

At work, things are gradually improving. I am relearning the normal action-reward cycle. I can no longer rely on a pill for instant motivation and enthusiasm. I have to work to create those things for myself, by actually engaging my mind on the task. Then the energy flows. I feel like I'm starting to catch up on the work I let slide during the first few weeks. I can't wait to be fully caught up and back on track.

It seems like I am actually more productive because I am able to prioritize and get important stuff done rather than hyperfocusing on the wrong projects. At the same time, it's hard both physically and mentally to be productive! Adderall made it easy to feel productive all day long, but in retrospect it was kind of an illusion.

Socially, I love not being on adderall. For example, last night I had an important work dinner. Sure, there were a few awkward moments but overall it was easy and conversation flowed among the group. On Adderall I would have been overanalyzing everything and really dwelling on whether I appeared awkward or said something weird. Same goes for hanging out with friends.

Anyway, thanks to this site for continuing to help in this journey!

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

Congratulations, Cat. It's a great feeling, to be yourself again. And it sounds to me like the non-adderall you is a much more confident and capable person than the adderalled-up you. You sound like a very impressive person. I'm glad you're here...

[Jon]

Hi Cat,

 

I just wanted to get in on this post because the topic means so much to me. In my life before Adderall, I practiced photography. Sometime when I would shoot sunrises, I would notice the new world, wet with dew, appearing before my eyes. The geese flying over the pond, past the half moon, the fox trotting by, the praying mantis poised on a weed, the dew covered painted lady butterflies: a captive subject. I felt at ONE with the universe. It was spiritual. I felt connected to everything.

 

On Adderall, I slowly allowed all of the small things to disappear from my radar. My awareness of this missing was clumsy. I was awake, but couldn’t smell the coffee!  It was like being pick-pocketed; you don’t know your wallet is missing until much later in the day, or 12 years later after taking my first Adderall pill. I feel so ashamed.

 

I’m on day 31 of my quit today and I am having some good days. I even picked up the camera this weekend to shoot a billowing cumulus cloud, vermillion colored by the sunset. I couldn’t capture that subtle color due to my out of practice habit, but I was happy that the urge pick up the camera overcame me reflexively.  A sign of hope that life is returning to my soul.