Sold my soul to adderall and then I lost it all...

[mkatiara]

The gift with the golden ribbon

Those sweet rainbows of disguise

The gift that keeps on giving,

Crumbles to sugar, broken from the lies.

Placed in the hands of the gifted

The candy colored wings that help you fly,

Euphoria quickens with the swiftness of a magician,

Needing that sugar just to feel alive.

From blue to orange we’re climbing higher

Too close to the rainbow to turn back now

Sold my soul when I untied that golden ribbon

The smallest sprinkle of sugar, had the power to control.

I began writing a poem last night to try and explain this hell that is my addiction. I started off just like everybody else. My sophomore year of college, I was on top of the world. I popped one or two of those blue pills, and aced my finals and every class. This is going to sound really dumb, but I began to think of adderall as a magic potion that I was so lucky to know about it. I didn't want to share even one pill, because that was one less moment of heaven I got to feel. I would listen to songs for hours, staring at the computer screen for hours on end. It was an amazing feeling and I could never get enough. And after awhile, I had to have it. It was all I thought about, just wanting to keep that high. I was losing weight during this time, already on my way down a road that would become my hell. I never slept, didn't eat much, and started to get the shakes in my hand. But it was very subtle, and I attributed it to being over caffinated.

I remember the first time I had an overdose. I had numbness in the side of my face, I was short of breath, and my hand wouldn't move. I tried to shake it to wake myself up, and it was just hanging limp at my side. That was the first of many.

My second overdose was much worse. I would get these terrible musle spasms. In my back, in my spine, shoulder. I would waste HOURS trying to get the muscle knot out, my eyes would blur when I was driving and I know it was so dangerous. I would just sit there and cry and beg for it to stop.

The third overdose was when I started to get the numbness in my feet. That was the worst. Because with that numbness came the slow concentration that became my personal hell. I would look around my room for hours, searching for something I could never find. My mind was slow and numb from no sleep, but I couldn't stay away from the adderall. It was killing me, but at the same time it was keeping me alive.

My fourth and fifth overdoses were when I lost my soul. I can no longer feel right now. I push so many people away because they don't understand. I neglect my assignments, I skip class, I miss things and I don't care. I don't care and I can't figure out why.

And then I remember what started it all: that little pill. I never knew what it could do to me. This is such a short summary of my love affair with adderall. It gave me everything, then took it all away. I hate this drug, I don't wish it upon my worst enemy. Because what adderall takes from you leaves you feeling emptier than anything that the stimulant can bring back.

I'm lost right now. I'm deep in a tunnel of addiction. I cried for hours today. I know it's my lowest point. I feel nothing, I feel sadness but no connection with it. Even the simple things like reading a book or watching tv make me miserable. I find no joy in anything anymore. And it's all because of that one little pill.

I know I have to stop, but what this terrible drug has done for me makes it hard to want to. I don't want to stop because it has sucked the life out of me to a point where I no longer care. But there is a voice buried deep inside of me that is telling me to walk on.

I feel like I am in such a dark place at the moment. No one understands. No one but the people who have lived through it.

Please tell me I can make it? <3 Alli

How adderall changed me:

First picture was before. Second one is after.

[Heather67]

Alli,,,,my God girl. I am just speechless by your story..and my heart goes out to you for I have felt the same pain. The emptiness. The disgust. The mania...the sickness. You can overcome this but you have to get behind the wheel and you are in such a grim place and you know the quit is not pretty. It will feed off that fucked up mind set. You have gotta do it..you have gotta want it..and you have gotta fight your ass off to get it. And ya know it ain't gonna be cow -,tow'in to u anytime soon...you're gonna do all the adjusting. There's only one way to stop the bullshit in your life...stop using adderall. Go easy on yourself cuz the days are really long and rather rough. Seek outside help when needed....let go of it,mourn it and get on with your own life. Welcome Alli ..and please stay and post and communicate with people here who can help you tremendously. Hang in girl.

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[mkatiara]

Thank you so so much! I am terrified for this road ahead. I don't know how I will do it. I honestly think this adderall has damaged me more than I know. 4 years of taking high doses of this stuff, I don't feel the same. What if I'm not anymore? I can't feel love anymore. I self destruct my relationships and don't care. But that has to be the adderall talking. Before I took that first pill I cared so much about people. Thank you so much dear for your words of wisdom for me. It is a bright light in a very dark tunnel right now...

[Heather67]

When I did my first run with adderall in 2006 ...i had been at ridiculous doses for about the same amount of time as you..4 years...I went to rehab taking 30-30 mgs A DAY. IT WAS MIND BLOWING TO KNOW A SCRIPT THAT WAS.PRESCRIBED TO LAST A MONTH....LASTED ME ONE DAY!!!! I came outta that rehab clean, and I would stay that way for 3 years. Why going back to that hell was in my plan...I don't really need to know,but it was. I would run with it again for another 2+ years....going cold Turkey off about 13-30's a day this time....but it was building again, I quit just 40 or so days ago....right before Christmas with a 3 year old and a husband doing a 5 year sentence for armed robbery. That's where his drug took him. Dark indeed adderall will show you...lie to.you that you are a dick to think u.can go on without it....BUT YOU CAN!!!! TAKE THAT CHALLENGE GIRL,THE ONE ONLY U CAN TAKE. THE ONE ONLY YOU CAN ACHIEVE....it will try and physcologically fuck with you ....stare that shit down and tell it to go fuck itself Alli.....cuz like me,a fairly petite girl with an insatiable appetite for speed....YOU.WILL BE OK IN TIME..YOU WILL SURVIVE THE QUIT...WE WILL SEE U POST YOUR DARK AND BRITE DAYS...YOUR STRUGGLES AND YOUR ACOMPLISHMENTS!!! you will help other addicts. I hope there is maybe a.close someone that you can personally tell of your adderall abuse ...but if not use us.

Love you already because I know where you are...but I'm telling you where you can be.....now you fuckin get there. K???

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