I don't know how to quit this shit

[HAM]

My story begins like many others. Started using adderall in college and immediately fell in love with this drug. I felt so creative, inspired, energized, motivated, and productive. I got better at everything I did: School, work, studying, socializing, flirting, cooking, exercising, dancing, swimming, hiking, martial arts, performing, music, art, everything. I felt like I could do anything.

No one ever noticed me until I started taking adderall and I had no self esteem or confidence. I was never “the best†at anything. I was a pretty average girl. On adderall I became exceptional and special. A professor once told me that I was one of the brightest students he’d ever had. I even started to believe that I was extraordinarily amazing.

On the dark side; I hardly ever got 8 hours of sleep, I stayed up all night on far too many occasions, pushed people away, I was extremely emotional, and made many horrible, stupid choices while on adderall. But I often wish I could go back to the honeymoon stage of amphetamine addiction.

A few years ago, I was badly injured in a bike accident and had to take a few months off life to recover from it. This is when I started abusing adderall and seeing 2 different doctors to get 2 scripts. I would take two 30mg pills a day, then three, four, and so on, up to six or seven. Over 200mg a day!

I also began abusing painkillers. I guess I was trying to feel normal again, I was trapped in broken body and wanted so much to feel like the person I was before. I was depressed, angry, and frustrated. I hated my life, and no matter how many pills I took, I could never feel better. It took months to heal and feel functional again.

The two years following my accident were really hard for me. I couldn’t seem to pull myself together. Then, I decided to go back to school.

I’ve spent the past 2.5 years taking the prerequisite classes I need to apply to a graduate program in physical therapy. It is a really competitive program (800-1000 people apply for 45-75 spots, depending on the school). I will know by March if I’ve been accepted. This has been so stressful and terrifying, and I have no control over the outcome. I don't know if I could make it in graduate school without adderall. I'm not even sure if this is what I want anymore.

I have been taking adderall for about 10 years, completely abusing it for the past four (almost 5) and now I’ve been off it since my last final exam about a month and a half ago. I didn’t choose to quit. The pharmacy wouldn’t fill my last prescription because I was flagged in the pharmacy database because I filled scripts for over 200 pills within a three month period.

Now I can’t fill a prescription until April. I hope I can find the will to quit for good before then because right now, I can’t wait to get my hands on my next prescription. I always tell myself that I’ll start taking my prescribed amount after I run out and am waiting to fill my next script. But I never do. Its a downward spiral as soon as I get my pills.

This site has given me some hope that I can quit forever. I need to find the courage to succeed. I don’t know how to make this happen for myself. i need to do some serious soul searching and find the person I was meant to be.

Thank you to anyone who reads this novella. I never talk to anyone about taking adderall (except my doctor). It’s been lonely. And it is quite a relief to be honest and get this burden of a secret off my chest.

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

Your pharmacy just saved your life, my friend. You've got a long history, so that means your recovery may be long, but you have already made it through for the last 6 weeks or so (how many days is that?)... you should feel proud of yourself, this is not a small accomplishment!

You sound like you're kind of on the fence about whether you really want to quit, to be honest. Like you're in a holding pattern until you find out if you got in to the program you've applied for, and until you can get your next prescription filled. Is that the case? Just trying to find out what's in your head really... are you on your way to quitting for good or are you just kind of "hoping" that you'll be able to make it through the next few months, not believing that your will to quit will "stick". If it's the latter, then unfortunately you haven't really committed to quitting because you don't believe in yourself enough that either you think you can, or you want it bad enough.

I'm sure, like so many others here, you can get through the next... umm... forever and you will be a better person off adderall when it doesn't have a grip on your life, but you have to believe that yourself. I hope you can keep coming back here, do some reading, take the supplements recommended (they do make a big difference) and find a NEW place of strength. If you are hanging out waiting for 4 months then that's not a great use of your time....

[Heather67]

HAM...MFA is right...they did save your life. With the disturbed love I had for adderall ...seemed sometimes no matter how bad it got...and it was bad....it still told me I was invincible. Those "things" would never happen to me...the heart attack...the prison cell ...loosing my child to the state,etc. But they were all ready and waiting. We are addicts...we will repeat covert,self seeking, dangerous behavior expecting different results. Though the shit does not render us stupid,just powerless. I CAN NEVER TAKE IT ANY OTHER WAY THAN FULL THROTTLE. I quit this time because I was red flagged by the powers that be in the state of RI. a script is useless to me for it will never yield. A crop. Its done. Over. A relationship that lasted too long anyway...beyond unhealthy and violent ...abusive and controlling. Would I have quit without a pharmacist named Peter doing his job.....don't know and I don't care. Those events were all set I'm motion despite my actions,thoughts or twisted take on any of.it. it happened the way any given day does...as much as may bitch,kick or scream....the way it was meant to. In keeping with the grand plan for me,not my plan for me. I'm good with that.

[HAM]

Thank you both for your insight.

I do want to quit. MFA, you're absolutely right. I don't believe in myself enough, and I am not fully committed. I want to become an amazing person without this drug. I just don't know how yet.

I am really susceptible to temptation, and I'm afraid I won't be able to resist when I can finally get another script.

I've somehow convinced myself that adderall has the power to make me a better person, even though I know it doesn't.

Heather, I am in the same boat as you, I can't take this drug in small doses. I keep repeating dangerous behavior and expecting a different outcome.

I have been reading nearly all of the articles on this website, and many of the forum topics. I visit this site nearly every day since I quit 48 days ago, and it is really helping me want this for myself.

[quit-once]

You sound like you're kind of on the fence about whether you really want to quit, to be honest. Like you're in a holding pattern until you find out if you got in to the program you've applied for, and until you can get your next prescription filled. Is that the case? Just trying to find out what's in your head really... are you on your way to quitting for good or are you just kind of "hoping" that you'll be able to make it through the next few months, not believing that your will to quit will "stick". If it's the latter, then unfortunately you haven't really committed to quitting because you don't believe in yourself enough that either you think you can, or you want it bad enough.

If you are hanging out waiting for 4 months then that's not a great use of your time....

The above quote is worth repeating, Ham. You would be really really cruel to yourself to resume the adderall after being off it for four months. Just because it will be an option and you can? My advise is to make it even less of an option if you have weak resistance. Sever those ties with your prescribing doctor(s) NOW before having the option to refill.

I quit smoking cigs 1.5 years ago. I still get tempted every time I go into a convenience store and see all those delicious flavors calling out to me from their disply racks. I also know that even one fucking puff will put me right back to a pack a day cig habbit within days, and that the will to quit again might not come around for another 5 or 10 years. I can't afford to do that for any reason, so I ignore the temptation.

An amphetamine addiction is simply unsustainable for a lifetime, unless you want to take the amphetamine addiction to your grave. It really is that simple.

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

I still get tempted every time I go into a convenience store and see all those delicious flavors calling out to me from their disply racks.

I know more about the placement of those cigarettes than I would like to.... Store owners get rebates from cigarette companies based on how much visibility there is to their product. Unless it's in Canada, where that's illegal, and then the cigarette companies pay them in "gifts" (through loyalty programs kinda like frequent flyer thingies). The whole tobacco industry is designed to draw you in and make it almost impossible for you to quit. You should be really proud of yourself, you're fighting entire systems of highly paid marketeers and salespeople every time you see those displays.

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

I have been reading nearly all of the articles on this website, and many of the forum topics. I visit this site nearly every day since I quit 48 days ago, and it is really helping me want this for myself.

HAM, aren't you feeling better at all since the last 50 or so days? You're on the precipice of freedom from something that has gripped you and controlled you for long time, so why would you give that up? In my mind you have a head start towards permanently saying goodbye to the horrible moodswings, disordered life and broken sense-of-self that is inevitable with long term adderall abuse. You'd be doing something really good for yourself if you just gave up the option of ever being able to begin again.

All it takes is one phone call to your doctor to let him know you don't need adderall any more. And you're free for life. That sounds like a pretty good deal to me, but I'm not sure you're so convinced. I really feel for you, this addiction has got you by the balls.

[lea]

You're on the precipice of freedom from something that has gripped you and controlled you for long time, so why would you give that up? In my mind you have a head start towards permanently saying goodbye to the horrible moodswings, disordered life and broken sense-of-self that is inevitable with long term adderall abuse. You'd be doing something really good for yourself if you just gave up the option of ever being able to begin again.

HAM you may not appreciate at this moment how far you've come but you're 48 days closer to freedom from addiction and that's huge. If you fill your script you will certainly appreciate that 48 days, as you start that count over again from day 1. The one thing I've learned about addiction is that even if you go a long time without using whatever you're addicted to it comes back with a vengence. It's the complete opposite of conventional wisdom which says that if you go a while without using you'll get it out of your system and be able to take the drug again as prescribed, but that's not the way it happens once you've become addicted.

"... On the dark side; I hardly ever got 8 hours of sleep, I stayed up all night on far too many occasions, pushed people away, I was extremely emotional, and made many horrible, stupid choices while on adderall. But I often wish I could go back to the honeymoon stage of amphetamine addiction."

Every addict thinks this way but you know that the honeymoon phase is a done deal. You may feel it for the first 5 minutes and then before you know it you're out of control and it's worse! It was the the same with pain meds for me too - after a legitimate injury - I ended up going to rehab for 6 weeks!

If you can just persevere you will be a great physical therapist because you've worked so hard for this! Whatever you decide to do you will always have this community to turn to for support.

[HAM]

Thank you all so much for your encouragement and support. I never knew I could find such awesome people on the internet. Everything you've said is helping me. You've shown me a mirror to that I'm taking a long, hard look at.

So if any of you are still reading this, I found out that I have not been accepted into the graduate schools I applied to. This really sucks because I have dedicated the past couple years of my life to fulfill the requirements in order to apply. Had a little breakdown during which I realized something monumental. If I can't/don't want to go through graduate school without adderall, I don't deserve to be there anyway. I think getting rejected was a sign that I can't move forward in life until I let go of this addiction. It is also a gift, I get one more year to do this which is more than enough time for me to work towards being a better, happier person without adderall. Once I get my heart and soul back, I will be ready to re-apply. Hopefully I will also be much more dedicated and passionate in working towards my goal.

now that I've put this in writing, I feel committed.

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

What a powerful realization, HAM. I'm genuinely inspired by this. Sometimes the best things come out of the worst scenarios. You've made a positive step forward already. You've begun the rest of your life from this moment forward on a positive note! That must be a good feeling.

So when do you trash the stash?

[adderallornothing]

Yes, your insight as to this being a blessing is right! You've already come so far and definitely need this time to heal. You can always re-apply - take this time now to stay off of it and realize how much better off you are without it. I know that's a lot easier said than done, but I can't think of any better way to articulate it. It's true, it will be really hard, but luckily as time goes on you'll get more and more of yourself back, and although each day will continue to be hard, your mind and clarity will be able to better grasp the benefits to quitting as well. I just found this forum and am inspired by everyone's encouragement and courage to share their stories - I hope to post mine soon when I can muster the motivation, but long story short - I too experienced the adderall cycle of falling in love and then slowly destroying every aspect of my life over the course of 5-6 years. But I've now been off of it for 13 months - it's obviously not easy, but you definitely are capable of making it happen.

Please continue to remind yourself that having this time without adderall IS a blessing. Your healing WILL get easier with time, and now you have the time to allow for it. If you had to start grad school soon, the stress of everything would have made it infinitely more difficult to be fulfilling. Now you can take the time you need, re-apply to school, and when you get accepted you'll be able to feel the genuine reward of following an intention to its completion.

Really all the best of luck to you - I've never posted anything before, but just created an account because I thought you were at such a critical point in your recovery. You've already gotten/or almost gotten past the hardest part physically - don't be afraid to take things slowly. I would have to remind myself that as long as each day was better than the previous one (even if this just meant I brushed my teeth), I was on the right path.

[adderallornothing]

Also I wanted to thank you for sharing this and for helping me start to organize my own thoughts about my experience with adderall!

[Greg]

Thank you all so much for your encouragement and support. I never knew I could find such awesome people on the internet. Everything you've said is helping me. You've shown me a mirror to that I'm taking a long, hard look at.

So if any of you are still reading this, I found out that I have not been accepted into the graduate schools I applied to. This really sucks because I have dedicated the past couple years of my life to fulfill the requirements in order to apply. Had a little breakdown during which I realized something monumental. If I can't/don't want to go through graduate school without adderall, I don't deserve to be there anyway. I think getting rejected was a sign that I can't move forward in life until I let go of this addiction. It is also a gift, I get one more year to do this which is more than enough time for me to work towards being a better, happier person without adderall. Once I get my heart and soul back, I will be ready to re-apply. Hopefully I will also be much more dedicated and passionate in working towards my goal.

now that I've put this in writing, I feel committed.

Oh boy that was definitely a blessing in disguise. You need the next year to get your head clear first. Grad school is not the right environment for JUST getting clean.

But you got to fully commit to quitting first. And it sounds like you need a lot of work on that front...cutting off your doc, trashing your stash...like everyone says, you need the adderall limitation imposed on you.

See how not being able to get your prescription filled s keeping you clean right now??

That's why you have to sever your doc...that is true and effective comittment to being clean.

[quit-once]

Also I wanted to thank you for sharing this and for helping me start to organize my own thoughts about my experience with adderall!

Adderallornothing, that is the BEST screen name I have ever heard! It conveys a message of absolute abstinence and obviously it has worked for you with 13 months of time off adderall. We look forward to hearing your story of how you used and quit adderall, and how you have stayed off it for over a year.

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

Adderallornothing, that is the BEST screen name I have ever heard! It conveys a message of absolute abstinence and obviously it has worked for you with 13 months of time off adderall. We look forward to hearing your story of how you used and quit adderall, and how you have stayed off it for over a year.

Wow, 13 months clean and we hear about it buried in a reply to someone else's own story?!? Adderallornothing that's amazing! I really would love you to share your story.

[HAM]

Thank you all so much!

everyone here is so encouraging and you all are making me pretty jazzed about quitting. Almost like a work-out buddy who pushes you to run farther that you ever have or ever thought you could.

I remember when I thought quitting was impossible. I remember when I didn't even want to quit, ever. I thought I would be happiest if I just had all the adderall I wanted every day. I think I'm almost to the point where I don't even want to take adderall anymore, or at least I can see that day on the horizon.

Truthfully, I am really depressed about grad school. There's a lot to it but basically i have worked so hard and so long only to be told that I'm not quite good enough. It sucks, and I have almost no control in the situation. I'm enjoying my challenge with quitting adderall because I have total control over the situation. being part of this community has been quite empowering.

@MFA, quit-once, and InRecovery- I don't have a stash. I'm not very good at rationing. I haven't severed the ties to my Dr. yet. I figure I have plenty of time (before I'm eligible for another script) to build a little more conviction. I get talked into, and out of things pretty easily. I don't want to second guess my decision.

@adderallornothing, what you said was really helpful. I'm really looking forward to the struggle that is my blessing leading me towards personal fulfillment. I always kind of felt like I was cheating when I achieved something while taking adderall. I definitely had goals, worked hard to attain them, and felt a sense of accomplishment on adderall. Now, I am really excited to relish in the feeling that comes from true achievement from the pure efforts of my mind, body, and spirit. I think it'll be much more amazing than anything I ever felt on adderall.

I would love to hear your story. it is so awesome to hear that you've made it so far. Every time I read someone's story, i am reassured that quitting is the right thing to do and it is quite attainable. 13 months is such a long time, but it doesn't seem so far from here.

Also, i am very touched that you decided to post in the forum for the first time so that you could help encourage me. Thank you.

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

Thanks for staying here with us HAM, even if you haven't quite decided to quit. Hopefully the more stories you read the more it will help you see we're all pretty much in the same boat. We are all struggling with various phases of addiction and/or withdrawal, and I find it really encouraging to hear that other people have been through or are going through the same things.

Keep visiting often, and I hope you don't get too down on yourself about grad school. It's understandable that you'd be disappointed, as you were hoping for something that didn't happen. But this does give you another chance to focus on something just as if not more important: your own health.

[DelaneyJuliette]

On 2/5/2013 at 1:55 AM, HAM said:

Thank you all so much!

everyone here is so encouraging and you all are making me pretty jazzed about quitting. Almost like a work-out buddy who pushes you to run farther that you ever have or ever thought you could.

I remember when I thought quitting was impossible. I remember when I didn't even want to quit, ever. I thought I would be happiest if I just had all the adderall I wanted every day. I think I'm almost to the point where I don't even want to take adderall anymore, or at least I can see that day on the horizon.

Truthfully, I am really depressed about grad school. There's a lot to it but basically i have worked so hard and so long only to be told that I'm not quite good enough. It sucks, and I have almost no control in the situation. I'm enjoying my challenge with quitting adderall because I have total control over the situation. being part of this community has been quite empowering.

@MFA, quit-once, and InRecovery- I don't have a stash. I'm not very good at rationing. I haven't severed the ties to my Dr. yet. I figure I have plenty of time (before I'm eligible for another script) to build a little more conviction. I get talked into, and out of things pretty easily. I don't want to second guess my decision.

@adderallornothing, what you said was really helpful. I'm really looking forward to the struggle that is my blessing leading me towards personal fulfillment. I always kind of felt like I was cheating when I achieved something while taking adderall. I definitely had goals, worked hard to attain them, and felt a sense of accomplishment on adderall. Now, I am really excited to relish in the feeling that comes from true achievement from the pure efforts of my mind, body, and spirit. I think it'll be much more amazing than anything I ever felt on adderall.

I would love to hear your story. it is so awesome to hear that you've made it so far. Every time I read someone's story, i am reassured that quitting is the right thing to do and it is quite attainable. 13 months is such a long time, but it doesn't seem so far from here.

Also, i am very touched that you decided to post in the forum for the first time so that you could help encourage me. Thank you.

I love all of you guys.  Thank u for encouraging me.

[DelaneyJuliette]

On 2/2/2013 at 1:47 PM, lea said:

HAM you may not appreciate at this moment how far you've come but you're 48 days closer to freedom from addiction and that's huge. If you fill your script you will certainly appreciate that 48 days, as you start that count over again from day 1. The one thing I've learned about addiction is that even if you go a long time without using whatever you're addicted to it comes back with a vengence. It's the complete opposite of conventional wisdom which says that if you go a while without using you'll get it out of your system and be able to take the drug again as prescribed, but that's not the way it happens once you've become addicted.

"... On the dark side; I hardly ever got 8 hours of sleep, I stayed up all night on far too many occasions, pushed people away, I was extremely emotional, and made many horrible, stupid choices while on adderall. But I often wish I could go back to the honeymoon stage of amphetamine addiction."

Every addict thinks this way but you know that the honeymoon phase is a done deal. You may feel it for the first 5 minutes and then before you know it you're out of control and it's worse! It was the the same with pain meds for me too - after a legitimate injury - I ended up going to rehab for 6 weeks!

If you can just persevere you will be a great physical therapist because you've worked so hard for this! Whatever you decide to do you will always have this community to turn to for support.

"... On the dark side; I hardly ever got 8 hours of sleep, I stayed up all night on far too many occasions, pushed people away, I was extremely emotional, and made many horrible, stupid choices while on adderall. But I often wish I could go back to the honeymoon stage of amphetamine addiction."

 

No truer words for me have ever been spoken.