7 years on low to moderate doses, but still ready to quit...

[kylew88]

Hi All,

I'm contemplating stopping my prescribed ADHD medication. 

Background: I've taken ADHD medication for seven years. Never above ~ 30mg a day. I take 20MG Adderall XR + a 10 IR booster, though I have taken less for much of my journey. I'll add my story here as someone who isn't abusing the drug, but is finding that even in prescribed doses- something isn't quite right! 

As other ADHD stories often begin, I can confirm that indeed, I was the class clown when younger.  Though I calmed down in my teenage years, I noticed symptoms that resembled ADHD-Inattentive remained, including:

1. A difficulty with starting tasks that manifests as excessive procrastination
2. Daytime fatigue when I am understimulated (indoors, office environment, no music)
3. Difficulty in following conversations (brain fog / poor working memory). 
4. Strong aversion to systematic thinking or sustained mental effort.
5. A difficulty with long-term planning (setting 1-3 year goals or longer) 
6. Imposter syndrome, but more specifically, feeling like a child in an adult's body.
7. Clumsiness in leaving physical objects behind (to the degree that this was pointed out and was a common joke among my co-workers)

If I could sum it up, I'd say that when trying to exercise certain executive functions, it feels like my brain is stuffed with cotton. While my trouble spots are primarily inattentive, I do still display some hyperactivity in close company. I can be very goofy, and I am prone to echolalia -- singing songs and saying silly things around the house without seeming to control it .

My official diagnosis came when work stress hit an all-time high. I started researching my trouble spots on the internet and saw that ADHD was suggested. I made an appointment and started on Vyvanse 20 mg. I experienced the all too common honeymoon phase during the first few months on. I felt on top of the world. I was crushing at work, knocking out house chores, and even engaging in some long-term planning. I ran through all the typical thoughts such as "This is what neurotypical people feel like" and "wow, I can finally think normally." 

But alas, as soon as it comes, it goes. The tolerance was set after a few weeks. And while I still experience benefits strictly in executive functioning, these side effects have persisted (and even slightly worsened) when medicated:

1. I am emotionally flat internally. Life feels like it has no beauty or joy and I feel less empathy for others.
2. I lose much of my ability to express emotions. My vocal affect is shot. For example, I recall one instance where a co-worker told a joke that I legitimately found funny, but when I laughed, it came out almost as if I was laughing sarcastically. The co-worker exclaimed, "well, I guess it's not funny to everyone!" 
3. Life increasingly feels like a series of tasks to complete. People are simply cogs in the machine of getting things done. And for the first time, I find myself obsessing over silly materialistic and superficial pursuits (looks, salary, status) that had never plagued me before. 
4. Health effects. There's not enough water in the world. Sleep is never good. I'm a big sweaty mess in my workouts, and my BPM is through the roof. I'm constantly fiddling with caffeine intake. 
5. Concerns about developing false interests. For example, trying to figure out my career path has been difficult. Do I like the approach I am taking now by studying computer science? Or is this artificial interest created by medication? This leads to questioning -- who am I anymore? 
6. Obsessiveness and perfectionism. It can take two hours to send a simple email because it has to be perfect. 
7. The come-downs are terrible. Depression and anxiety big time. I told my Husband that the problem with the withdrawal is not that I feel like shit, it's that I feel like I AM a piece of shit. I have esteem and depression issues where there weren't any before. I know these pass and I usually just tough it out.

I have tried all of the advice over these past seven years to solve these problems: Your dose is too high! Your dose is too low! Try a different medicine! Try a non-stimulant! Magnesium! Take breaks! Don't take breaks! Avoid orange juice! Add a pill for sleep! Add a booster for the afternoon! Add a pill for anxiety! It started tickling my skeptical bone that a drug that is supposed to be sustainable over the long-term required all this dancing about. I also began to notice that too many positive stories I read on the net were from folks on the drug for a year or less. 

Where am I left now after seven years? Well, as someone who believes that human connection and positive experience are the most important things in life, I feel like I can no longer accept trading joy for achievement. I can't buy in that to get ahead professionally, I have to cut off an entire realm of human emotion and numinous experience.

I realize quitting will be extremely difficult and won't solve all my problems. Since I do have a moderate form of ADHD, I accept that I will likely be more clumsy, daydreamy, and less focused than I would like. In a worst-case scenario, I might even have to take a less demanding job to make it. Even with that, I'm not sure I can do the med thing anymore, and I think it will be worth some suffering in certain areas of my life to rediscover a missing part of myself.

This is my experience with prescribed medication and your mileage may vary. I also believe ADHD can be bad enough for someone that stimulants are worth it, even with the side effects. But what scares me is that some people like me with mild-moderate cases could be worse off on these drugs in the long run.

I'm interested to see if others can relate. Thanks for letting me share my story as I wrestle with this!

[Apple1740]

Wow! It’s like you took the words right out of my mouth. All of your symptoms of why you started sound exactly why I started but you’re right about the sustainability of taking the drug. I have been on adderall or vyvanse for 14 years and what pushed me to quit was the lack of emotions just as you described. I am officially one week free from adderall but it sucks. I’ve also never been so committed or hopeful because as you said, I want to rediscover myself and I finally accepted that I’ll have to sacrifice a lot in order to do so. I hope you make the jump!

[Giants22]

In the same boat as you my friend. I’ve always been somewhat of an introvert but now I have absolutely zero interest in small talk and would rather stay in and occupy myself with seemingly important tasks. I’m on 20mg xr per day and dread the thought of quitting cold turkey especially as work has been ramping up.

To your point, I know my authentic self is on the other side of my adderall dependency