need help making the decision to quit or not, for now

[melody]

I've been browsing this website all day, and recently stumbled upon the forums... instead of doing the homework I'm supposed to be doing. I want to tell my story because I feel that this forum could be one of the very few places I could turn to for good advice. I've hesitated to start writing, though, because I'm supposed to be getting work done. But after repeatedly returning to this page throughout the day... I figure it's worth my time and sanity to get this out of my system.

I've been on and off of adderall and anxiety medication since around middle or high school, so it's difficult for me to even remember what I am like off drugs. I remember being an overachiever in elementary school, to the point where I would cry if I didn't get a perfect grade. I got my first ADHD diagnosis after my 7th grade history teacher called a parent-teacher conference with my mother because she was concerned that I was constantly daydreaming and unable to focus in her class. I remember being praised for my skills as a writer in the 8th grade. I was prescribed drugs from my general practitioner for ADHD sometime between middle and high school, and before my sophomore year in high school, I began seeing a psychiatrist and psychologist for anxiety and ADHD. I was never really sure if it helped. By my junior year in high school, I was editor of the school newspaper, and I began dating my first boyfriend, who convinced me that there was no such thing as ADHD and I did not need medication. I stopped taking meds, and had a difficult time readjusting—I failed two classes that first semester—but by my senior year, for the most part, I was able to get good grades and get into college.

In college I went on and off of meds. I was ever unsure about the diagnosis I had received in high school—whether or not something was "wrong" with me and whether or not I needed meds to "fix" it. I studied music at a small liberal arts college, which meant that my grades were often determined by my musical skills. I am blessed with a good voice and got a natural high out of perfecting my craft as a singer. I only had to write papers every once in a while, and only took a few non-musical courses. When I did write papers, I struggled to do the reading required to write them, and then to finish the paper. I don't remember turning a single paper in on time, and every paper I wrote depended in some way on the meds. Without them I didn't know how to get anything done, but I hated that I couldn't do the work I wanted to do without the meds.

During my time as an undergrad, I became close with an extremely over-invested (and well-meaning but emotionally manipulative) professor who admired my curiosity and convinced me that I needed to pursue academia. I don't think I ever really spoke with him frankly about my struggle with meds—only in vague terms—and I don't think he ever fully understood what I was struggling with. We had a falling out (actually several) after he tried to tell me that my weakness as an academic had to do with a failure to start my work in advance, when really, as I tried to explain to him, the issue is that it takes me forever to get through a book.

But by the time of this falling out, I had already applied to grad school. I was accepted to almost all of the schools to which I applied, thanks to my professor's glowing, fabulous letters of recommendation. Even though my academic interests were shifting and I was insecure about my potential as an academic and unsure if I was in the right discipline (let alone the right career), he encouraged me to pursue the path he had originally pushed for, and I trusted him.

I took six months off from school in which I didn't take any meds and worked in a coffee shop. Despite the stress that comes with my forgetfulness and flightiness (I constantly got picked on and punished at work for these issues, and totaled my car the day that I learned I was accepted into my dream school and would have to make a huge decision between that school and one I had already committed to).

The summer before grad school began I panicked. I wanted to find a doctor who would either diagnose me with ADHD once and for all or tell me that I was ADHD-free and should start living my life that way. Instead, the neurologist scanned my head (I can't remember what this test was), asked me a few questions and wrote me a script. I guess it was easier not to question it. I told myself I would only take the pills if I needed them.

When my grad school career began, there was not a single day in which I needed to get work done that I did not take adderall. Even with adderall, I have struggled every single day.

After my first semester and a half, I started seeking counseling through school. I have dealt with awful cycles of insomnia and an unhealthy (although I wouldn't say entirely alcoholic) relationship with alcohol. The school psychiatrist also prescribed adderall for me.

Fast forward to now. I am in my second year of graduate school, and a few months ago I was kicked out of my program (I am still in school, however, because they gifted me with an extra semester for some reason... I'll get to that in a bit). It is still very painful for me to reflect on all of the details of why. The reasons have to do with my having expressed the desire to take a leave of absence (which was then interpreted as me not being ready for a PhD program), not being able to keep up with my coursework, and also because my interests have changed so much that there is no one to advise me in my new field of interest.

I love what I do (did). I love learning, and I love my field. But I'm just not sure I'm very good at being a professional academic. I am grateful to have been forced out of my graduate program, and grateful that I will have the chance to to reexamine my skills—because I'm at the point where I have no idea what I am good at anymore. To try to succeed as an academic I have utterly destroyed my body because of the stress I have put it through. I am grateful to be given time to explore other options on my own accord—I think I might like to try teaching English for a while, or try being a freelance writer or music teacher, and take some time to work on my Spanish.

Here is my issue right now. I have to finish writing a paper from last year (in other words, complete what is called an "incomplete" grade for a class) in order to complete all the requirements for my master's degree. When my department gave me the boot, they said that as long as I had a good fall semester, they would "let" me stay for an additional semester to finish the degree.

I was told that I actually do not need to take any classes this semester; I only need to complete the incomplete, and fulfill my responsibilities as a teaching assistant. But that it would show good faith (or something) if I did take classes. This being my last semester at an incredible university that is paying me a stipend to take classes, I felt it would be the perfect opportunity to take classes in my new area of interest.

The issue with this is that I simultaneously really, really want and need a break from school. I would someday like to be able to work my way up to being able to read and write and do vaguely academic things without medication, but if I'm honest with myself, I know that this is not going to happen for me tomorrow. And I am very, very tired of abusing my body to get through this program.

Another thing probably worth noting is that since having stopped taking the adderall over winter break for a month, for some reason taking 20 mg over the past two days has only made me want to go to sleep. I should maybe mention that for the past several weeks since I was kicked out of my program, I was also put on 25 mg daily of Zoloft.

I am two weeks into my last semester here, and already the terrible cycle is starting up again, except since the break I've been less methodical about taking my meds which has worsened my anxiety. I began the semester on a bad foot, having inadvertently missed a week of important emails due to a change in the email system and getting to class unprepared on the first day. I am revisiting all of my typical anxieties—I find myself utterly unable to participate in class, which results in a debilitating depression in which it is painful for me to *think*, let alone attempt work, which results in me drinking, and later not being able to prepare properly for the next class. And before this cycle begins again... I can't help but feel an intense need to hit the breaks. I think this is why I have been procrastinating all day and reading the articles and comments on this website, which I have found so helpful... but I still have huge doubts in my mind as to what step I should take next in my own case.

The question I have for the forum, then, is this: how should I handle this last semester in school? I feel like I have two options. The first would be to take advantage of the opportunity to take two classes in my new area of interest while I'm still in a university setting, on top of finishing my incomplete and being a TA, and wait until the semester ends before I quit adderall. The second is to drop the two classes I signed up for, only worry about the absolute minimum that I am required to complete, and maybe try to do this without adderall, if I can. I'm not sure I can... but maybe I could try. And the other part of my time—the time I would spend on *not* taking the additional classes—would be devoted to healing and recovery, and possibly pursuing more musical projects. Which option should I pursue?

The question of whether or not I have legitimate ADHD still looms in the air for me. Reading the comments on this webpage, I have identified with some of the stories of adderall abusers as well as with some of the stories of people for whom adderall is apparently nothing but a positive force. Over the winter break I became obsessed with Myers Briggs after reading the book Do What You Are, and after much, much investigation, I have more or less concluded that I am naturally an INFP. I think (though I still have my doubts, after having spent so much of my life on and off meds and convinced out of doing what I am perhaps naturally good at... but maybe I'll leave that discussion for another thread). The point is that while my "ADHD" tendencies have repeatedly been extremely costly for me in everyday life circumstances (i.e. not only in school), I am becoming more and more determined to reroute my life so that I can live and pursue an appropriate career without medication. Even if I do have ADHD, I want to learn how to live with myself—and do so with some degree of success—adderall free.

I can't believe I'm putting this story out into the world... There is nothing that scares me more than someone discovering my secret. No one except my parents, my psychiatrist, psychologist, and extremely supportive boyfriend knows about my struggle. My parents don't know what to tell me. My psychiatrist and psychologist advocate for me to stay on adderall. I actually think I should discuss this more with my psychiatrist; I usually only see her for 15 minutes at a time every two weeks/once a month and I don't think there's any way she could possibly know what's going on with me, to tell the truth.

Anyway... I should cut it off here. Please let me know if anything needs clarifying. Thanks in advance for any insight you may be able to offer. It means the world to me.

[SomedayDreamer]

Do you really WANT to quit? That has to come first.

[melody]

I want nothing more than to stop relying on this drug. I am so sick and tired of being dependent on adderall to be able to get any of my schoolwork done. on it I am an insomniac and a wreck, and I often end up pulling all nighters to get my work done. more than that, as I mentioned, in the past few days, as I have started taking it again after being on a break, it has just made me sleepy more than anything else. the last thing I want to do is pump more caffeine or a higher dose into my body right now. At the same time, I don't know how to function in an academic setting and stay on top of my work without it.

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

If you really want to figure out if you have ADD/ADHD, there are all kinds of clinical tests you can take, including some that go so far as fMRI scans and PET scans and so on, on top of the myriad of neurological and behavioral tests you can do.

Have you done any clinical testing for your condition/s?

I'm out of my depth on the rest, I'd be really stupid to give you any advice as your circumstances have a lot of physical, mental, psychological, psychiatric variables and implications and if you listened to me you'd be an idiot, which clearly you're not. So I'll stop there. Sorry I can't help any further...

[melody]

Have you done any clinical testing for your condition/s?

MFA I appreciate your response so much. I was tested when I saw a psychiatrist and psychologist in high school, but I later wondered if they were just prescribing me the medication and claiming that I had ADHD just in order to make a profit. They were a husband-wife team, and I don't know... After my high school boyfriend convinced me there was "nothing wrong with me," I began to be skeptical about the whole practice of ADHD diagnosis. After paying so much money for testing, I thought, who *wouldn't* fit the criteria for diagnosis? I have been unable to figure out *what kind* of test I was given then; my parents don't remember, and I have been unable to locate the doctors since they moved from the location they were in when I went to their office.

The issue now, if I wanted to get re-tested, is just how to pay for testing. I am currently under university health insurance, so maybe my next step should be to pursue testing while it is still under some type of insurance, even though it will still cost me an arm and a leg. I'm in a lot of debt and don't know how I will be able to pay for it... but maybe it's more possible now than it will be in the next few years. Still not sure what to do on that front. Next appointment with my psychiatrist is not for 3 weeks, so I might just have to wait until then to discuss it with her.

[Cassie]

Even if ADHD is a real diagnosis, what did people do before medication? Somehow they were able to live their lives, go to school/work, put food on the table, repeat..

[Greg]

I think a lot of people like to believe they have ADD because it gives them an answer to their overwhelming feeling lives and whoever markets ADD drugs figured that out and is doing a fine job marketing that to those people. If you read On Speed, ADD drugs have run the gamut of marketing campaigns. It used to be marketed for depression, then weight loss then something called MBD until recent years it was heavily marketed to ADD. I could be wrong, but that's my opinion.

Melody, you CAN read and write and participate in class without adderall. That stupid drug hurts us psychologically and takes away our ability to believe we can think independently of it. You have to remember and realize you CAN do all those things yourself without that drug...I truly hope you find freedom from it...and that you don't allow it to continue to strip away your belief in yourself and take credit for things in your life.

[lea]

Melody -- I was not on ADD meds during grad school, in fact I was not even diagnosed ADD until years later... I have always been one of those people who had to work twice as hard as everyone else, it took me HOURS upon hours to get thru papers and assignments. When I started abusing meds I also started learning about ADD strategies that people use who can't or don't use stimulants. See this thread for some interesting reads.

I do believe that ADHD and ADD are legitimate diagnoses but also diagnoses du jour of this decade - just as other diagnoses have been in the past, and always subject to abuse both by docs and patients. I'm not going to go off on my tangent about computers, technology and everything else that severs our attention span ... but will say that in the past month since quitting ritalin I have made learning new strategies my passion and they do work. Not as instantaneous as meds do but a lot more sustainable over time. Like anything else they get easier with practice ... just like meds

[melody]

Even if ADHD is a real diagnosis, what did people do before medication? Somehow they were able to live their lives, go to school/work, put food on the table, repeat..

Yep. That's what has always been so interesting to me... that question is kind of the reason I wish I could be a historian...

I think a lot of people like to believe they have ADD because it gives them an answer to their overwhelming feeling lives and whoever markets ADD drugs figured that out and is doing a fine job marketing that to those people. If you read On Speed, ADD drugs have run the gamut of marketing campaigns. It used to be marketed for depression, then weight loss then something called MBD until recent years it was heavily marketed to ADD. I could be wrong, but that's my opinion.

Melody, you CAN read and write and participate in class without adderall. That stupid drug hurts us psychologically and takes away our ability to believe we can think independently of it. You have to remember and realize you CAN do all those things yourself without that drug...I truly hope you find freedom from it...and that you don't allow it to continue to strip away your belief in yourself and take credit for things in your life.

thank you for this encouragement... I needed to hear it.

I had On Speed checked out from the library for a long time when I was an undergrad, but I never got around to reading it. I was always too busy just trying to get my homework done. Guess it's about time I read it.

Melody -- I was not on ADD meds during grad school, in fact I was not even diagnosed ADD until years later... I have always been one of those people who had to work twice as hard as everyone else, it took me HOURS upon hours to get thru papers and assignments. When I started abusing meds I also started learning about ADD strategies that people use who can't or don't use stimulants.

See this thread for some interesting reads.

I do believe that ADHD and ADD are legitimate diagnoses but also diagnoses du jour of this decade - just as other diagnoses have been in the past, and always subject to abuse both by docs and patients. I'm not going to go off on my tangent about computers, technology and everything else that severs our attention span ... but will say that in the past month since quitting ritalin I have made learning new strategies my passion and they do work. Not as instantaneous as meds do but a lot more sustainable over time. Like anything else they get easier with practice ... just like meds

lea, I think strategies are what I desperately need more than anything. thanks for the booklist, i know it is going to be immensely helpful. are there any books you would specifically recommend for learning strategies and getting organized?

and I guess the big question for me is... if I quit adderall, should I still try to push through the two classes I wanted to take this semester, or should I give myself more space and time to learn how to function off of adderall? I have the option not to take them, but I thought it would be dumb not to take advantage of the opportunity to explore new interests while I have a free semester of school. I'm just not sure I can stay on top of everything without adderall. at least not without strategizing... and I'm not sure I know what strategy or approach to take. if anyone has any suggestions I am all ears. thanks again, everyone.

[melody]

Even if ADHD is a real diagnosis, what did people do before medication? Somehow they were able to live their lives, go to school/work, put food on the table, repeat..

Cassie, I also think that part of the answer has to do with the fact that there was less shame in taking up what are now considered to be menial jobs like being an automechanic, etc. definitions of success and failure have been molded by a capitalist logic that equates wealth-productive work with success and almost everything else with failure... as conspiracy-theorist and overly general as that sounds.

edit... I just sound like Georg Simmel right now... in "the metropolis and mental life" (http://periplurban.org/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/06/simmel_metropolisandmentallife.pdf)

[lea]

These are the books I read straight off the reading list - I was so desperate I bought the digital versions so I could download them to my computer

Eat That Frog! -- very good, practical strategies for getting things done. I read this book a chapter a day (and the chapters are short - lol) but I made myself complete the exercises in each chapter before moving on to the next.

"My Stroke of Insight" -- fascinating book about re-learning after a stroke and how you start using senses you never knew you had

Unchain Your Brain -- about addiction and also has practical strategies

As far as continuing with school I can only speak from my own experience which is that it's do-able -- but more important, as many have said on this site - meds take away your ability to believe that you can do anything without them. I've been off ritalin for almost a month after being on them 3 years and abusing them 1 year prior to quitting. I am able to retain what I read but do have to read some things more than once, take notes etc... I'm determined to refute the logic that amphetamines are the best line of defense against ADD!

[HAM]

Melody,

Go for it!! Take the classes you're interested in because you're right, its a great opportunity to explore. you may not get this opportunity again. Maybe you will find what you are good at in one of these classes or maybe they will inspire you.

I also think that you could quit adderall at the same time. It sounds like that may be a new interest you want to explore too.

I am telling you this based on my own experience. I'm in school as well and sometimes feel like I cant succeed without adderall. I used to get a 90 day prescription from my dr. and more often than not I ran out with a month to go before my next refill. so i've kinda quit lots of times. In hindsight, I have been a much better student without adderall, even though I always think I'll be better with it.

When I wasn't taking adderall it really helped to have structure in my life even though I had to balance that with time for self care and rest. On adderall, I am always running late to class because I am trying to juggle so many things. I always got heart pounding anxiety when I wasn't prepared for class which would then distract me in class and I couldn't focus enough to take in the material. I procrastinate much more when I'm adderall, I always think "I can do all of that homework later because I stay up so late anyway," which rarely happened. It's true, on adderall I usually take beautifully outlined, organized, color-coded, meticulous notes in class. And I usually have higher test scores when I'm on adderall, but not by much.

Without adderall, I am usually early to class. I have more time to go to office hours or meet with study groups. I have a much more realistic grasp on time and how long it will take to complete assignments. Sometimes its hard to focus and I have to re-read things but overall, I think I'm better at reading and retaining without adderall.

But that's just me.

You sound like an amazing student. You are obviously very smart. You have worked really hard to get this far. You have done all these things. Adderall didn't do it for you. It's just a crutch. You are capable of so many things. It sounds like you definitely deserve a break from school. I can really empathize with some of the things you are feeling. School is tough. And "free time" is awesome!!! And you are so close to the end. One semester is a drop in the bucket compared to all the semesters you've been in school. It'll be over before you know it.

I guess I am projecting some of my feelings on to you but I also want to tell you that while I have definitely had some rough semesters and regretted taking on more than I could handle. Do you have the option to withdraw from your courses mid-semester? If so, remember that it's an option. However, there are so many classes I wish I could have taken and regret not taking.

You said you love learning and you love your field. savor it while you can. There's plenty of time to take a break and enjoy life later, but this may be your last semester in school. it'll be over before you know it. and you might not get a chance to go back later.

Sorry if I'm being over zealous or if I sound like I'm trying to push you. I only want to encourage you to do what is best for you now, and in the long run. I'm sure that whatever you choose and whatever happens, everything will work itself out. You seem like a really awesome person with a beautiful future in front of you.

Good luck!!!

[HAM]

PS

The hours in a day always seem longer to me without adderall. Sometimes (when I can muster the motivation) I feel like I have more time for everything.

Also, I can relate to having an "unhealthy" relationship with alcohol, especially during the school semester. I resolved to only drink on the weekends and it was a great decision. I sometimes go weeks without drinking and I feel so much better for it.

[melody]

Melody,

Go for it!! Take the classes you're interested in because you're right, its a great opportunity to explore. you may not get this opportunity again. Maybe you will find what you are good at in one of these classes or maybe they will inspire you.

HAM, your post was really inspiring and helped me get through the week. Thank you so much for what you wrote.

And lea, thank you so much for the book recommendations. My Stroke of Insight is amazing, and I plan on getting to the others soon.

HAM, to see you repeat my own words, "I love my field," feels weird. It gives me the eerie feeling that I'm lying to myself, for some reason.

I decided to drop one of the classes, and I'm still mulling over whether or not to drop the other one and try to spend my time pursuing my interests outside of academia. The class I'm taking is outside of my field, and I wanted to try to take it because it is a topic that is of much interest to me, but it's at a very high level and I have zero background on it.

Dropping out of everything I don't need to be responsible for seems appealing because my anxieties about speaking up in class are absolutely crippling. My therapist tells me it's okay if I don't speak up in class... but really, it's not... and I'm kind of frustrated that she doesn't understand that and help me work on it. This is a graduate level class with 10 students. I haven't said a word in the class. I stick out like an awkward, mute, dopey sore thumb.

Part of me has become really allergic to pushing through situations that drive my anxiety through the roof in the hopes that I'll eventually grow or get something really valuable out of them. I'm sure I would learn a lot, but I have a hard time making myself part of the community of the classroom such that I feel like I need to be there, or like I have something valuable to say.

In the process of thinking through all of this... I've realized that I have a deep-seated fear of quitting. I don't trust myself to make good decisions, and I especially don't trust myself to make the decision that it's time to quit something. I always assume I'm not trying hard enough and bad things will follow. This has led to me pushing myself way too far pursuing goals that aren't right for me (and taking adderall to get through it). In the process of accepting that it may be okay to quit all my extra classes, though... I guess I'm scared of having complete freedom to explore new options, or scared that I'll just wish I hadn't quit the classes. I'm still not quite sure what to do, and honestly I wish I could just make a decision because leaving my options open about it is pretty draining. I might just stay in the class for at least another two weeks and see if I can muster up the courage to speak, and see if things get better. But honestly... as much as I *think* the subject means to me, after being kicked out of school, my self-esteem is bottomed out. I'm not sure I want to pour my heart into anything that has to do with academia right now... I'm tired of pretending to be an academic and I kind of just want to move on to figure out what else I might be good at. It feels like a dead end to take the class, no matter how intrinsically rewarding it *might* be if I could ever just get over my anxiety over getting my work done and speaking up in class and being a little grad student. I think I am just waiting for someone to give me permission to quit.

If anyone has any words of wisdom about how to know when it's time to quit, I would love to hear them (I've googled a bunch, but I think this is something I just need to talk about with someone... might try that instead). Thank you for being a sounding board when I feel like there's no one I can really talk to about this.

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

Hi Melody, hey could you help me for a sec - your posts are really long (very well written, of course, and it's totally my fault that my brain isn't working so brilliantly right now), could you answer the following questions?

1. How long have you been taking adderall and how much are you on

2. You said you quit for a while but you took 20mg a couple of days ago. Why? Have you taken any adderall since then?

3. Do you believe you are addicted to adder all?

4. Do you believe adderall has played a part in your decision making about your career choices and academic choices to date?

5. (same as qn 4 in a different way): Do you think if you hadn't been on adderall you may have found it easier to decide what to do with your career?

Thank you so much... sorry if you've answered all of the above already... (can I blame it on ADHD ha ha not really because I don't have it...)...

[melody]

MFA, thanks for these questions.

Sorry they're so long! I just end up rambling, trying to qualify everything...

1. Adderall specifically, I've been taking for a year and a half. I've been on and off stimulants since my sophomore year of high school, so... 9 years. There were long gaps—like yearlong, year and a half-long gaps in which I stopped taking it, however.

2. Why did I take adderall again? Because my life seems to fall apart when I don't take it. I can't seem to get anything done. I lose things. I have zero motivation to push through this last semester. I don't want to be here, but I have to stay one more semester to get my master's degree, and adderall sometimes makes being here a little less painful. But since getting kicked out, I'm not sure I'm holding it together even when I do take it.

3. I think if I wanted to stop taking it I could. And I want to. But I'm afraid that a. I'll just lay in bed all day, which has lately become a sick hobby of mine and b. I'll fail at my responsibilities. I've already failed enough at them... and the last thing I want to experience is more failure and be held responsible for more things.

4 & 5. Absolutely. I'll quote my first post (edited)...

The summer before grad school I wanted to find a doctor who would either diagnose me with ADHD once and for all or tell me that I was ADHD-free and should start living my life that way. Instead, the neurologist asked me a few questions and wrote me a script. I told myself I would only take the pills if I needed them. When grad school began, there was not a single day in which I needed to get work done that I did not take adderall.

I was actually not on adderall (just an obscene amount of coffee) when I made the decision to go to grad school, but I had a manipulative professor who encouraged/pushed me to go, and made me feel like my difficulties with attention and my struggles in academia could be solved if I just tried harder. My professor made me feel like a wunderkind who would be wasting her gifts if she didn't pursue academia. And when I got into a prestigious university... it was impossible to turn down the opportunity to pursue this path. Since getting here I feel like I have completely forgotten whatever it is I am good at. But now that I've been pushed back out... I can't help but fantasize about career options that might involve my strengths and *not* make me feel like a failure all day.

I think there are probably lots of ways to have a career in a field related to my interests that do not have to do with academia at all, and there are ways to continue learning outside of academia... which is why the idea of dropping the class is tempting. My plan for right now with the class, at least... is to get started on the work and try to get excited about it and have something solid to say in class... see how things go.... and keep reevaluating how much it matters to me that I do it...

[HAM]

Melody,

Your post reminds me of some of the wisdom that has helped me along the way:

1) Decisions are always difficult. Once you make a choice and commit to the path of that choice, everything becomes much easier and much more clear.

I'm sure you know that hindsight is 20/20. I have a lot of trouble making decisions. Sometimes I wish someone would just tell me what the right thing to do is. But that person doesn't exist. It's a question only i can answer for myself and there is no right or wrong answer. I think that knowing when to try harder in pursuit of a goal vs. knowing when to quit and cut your losses is one of the hardest things to figure out.

I regret a lot of decisions i've made but I try to go easy on myself because there's no way I could have predicted the outcome. I find indecision to be a very unpleasant, stagnant state to be in. Life is full of surprises and things rarely work out the way I expect them to. I just roll with the punches. One decision I definitely do not regret is quitting adderall. i'm kind of glad I have that going for me.

good luck with your decision, whatever it may be.

2) Everyone has struggled with confidence, especially when speaking in groups. And generally, people are much more accepting that we believe they are. Also, it is best to avoid taking any judgements that may come your way personally. Haters are gonna hate.

Based on the insightful and thoughtful comments you've made in your posts, I believe your thoughts would be a great contribution and beneficial to your classroom discussions. I also get nervous about talking in class. then i remember that i've heard all kinds of crazy things in class and I usually learn something from everyone who contributes in class.

3) There are many paths you can take to reach your destination. Life flows through many rivers to reach the sea.

I was kind of blown away when someone said this to me recently. It really inspired me to be more creative and imaginative in my thought process, especially when it comes to figuring out my life. A graduate degree might not be the only way to work in the field you love. And now i'm really curious about what field you are in.

Thank you for your earlier post.

your posts are really helping me asses my own situation at the moment. A lot of what you are saying really resonates with me. I just got rejected from a really competitive grad program for which I spent the past few years fulfilling the pre requisite courses and requirements. I feel pretty defeated right now. All I can do is shake it off, do my best to become a better candidate for the program, and hope I get in next year. This is so much harder than it sounds, and a hard choice to make. I kinda want to give up now and enjoy a school-free, carefree, fun life. I'm also gonna do my best to make it fun anyway.

I am hoping for the best for both of us

And I hope the rest of the week flies by.