[Help, sucked into a vyvanse/adderall addiction]

Hi, one thing adderall addiction will make you believe is that you're not capable of doing anything without them. THIS IS A LIE OF ALL LIES.  You were capable (maybe tired, but still capable) before, you are capable now. There is research that says those on adderall think they produce superior results, when in actual fact, the results are the same as anyone else's. You can and will do this on your own. You deserve it for yourself. Yes, the kids are important, but you are more important. It will be hard but you will laugh again soon and get proper rest and the insanity will go away.  We believe in you! You can do it!

[Affair on aderall]

I hope you are able to help each other. Please tell her you posted here, it may help her not relapse.  Does she have support?

[Began posting in 2013, now it's 2019....]

Hey kids, well the good news is I can honestly say I am proud that i haven't taken adderall or any stimulant since 2013. I had to move countries and begin my life again in order to do that. And that was the hardest thing I've ever had to do.  But as we know the world is small now and if you want anything bad enough you can find it, so I'm not sure my own story is even relevant these days.

I think about how much I hated myself back then, though; or at least had no idea what I wanted or deserved. I was a shell of a human. Today, I have a relationship with a good man, and plans for my future. And I'm hopefuo that if I stick to the program, my dreams will come true. Why? because they have so far! 

One other trick of the trade: I to Narcotics Anonymous and AA meetings at least 3 times a week.  I can tell you, it didn't cure me, but it saved me. I suggest maybe try it. 

Amphetamines lie, only you can know your own truth. Only you can aset you free.

My prayers are with you.  Fiona.

[I'm 52 and today I ended my relationship with my Adderall supplier - my psychiatrist]

5 minutes ago, LuLamb said:

Why do you think age and being older makes quitting/recovery harder?

Our brains don't bounce back like maybe they once did.  Easy as that.

[I'm 52 and today I ended my relationship with my Adderall supplier - my psychiatrist]

Hey LuLamb. You are loved. And no matter what, adderall or siroquel etc you have value. 

I posted here tons in early recovery, and I haven't been back here fore a year or so; but yours is the first post i read and I wanted to reasure you that you are better without the drugs than with.  Moment by moment.  You can do this.

[After 3 years away from this site...]

On 02/05/2017 at 3:05 PM, Speeder906 said:

What were the steps in between those binges of 120mg a day to where you are now, if I may ask? I just ask because I am kind of in that same rut right now of binging and meth-head-eske behavior to some degree. I'm also averaging about 120mg a day (sometimes more) and was just wondering what you did right after your "dark period"? Did you tell your doctor? go to rehab? Just to read that those binges were someone else's dark period really hit me (especially the part about referring to the aftermath of adderall binges as ptsd) because that's kinda where I am at this very moment. I'm trying to taper down as best as I can but ya know as an addict that doesn't pan out all the time.  thank you and i am happy to see you've started to rebuild your life, that's actually inspirational to me. Congrats on all your progress!

This post was 2.5 years ago so I doubt the poster will still be wondering. But I'll answer in case anyone is interested.

I got to the stage where I was doing insane things, having moments of psychosis etc. In my clean hours, I knew this was unsustainable.It just so happened that I'd had a horrific binge while traveling to SFO (another crazy drug story) and scared myself straight.  i jumped on a plane and went back to Australia, with only a suitcase and a bottle of pills.  I gave the pills to my mother. She threw them away.

For me that was literally the only way I could quit. I have recently learned that Adderall is now available in Australia (it may always have been but I never went to ask) and I admit sometimes I have been tempted to get it. But two things have happened: 1) doctors here are more responsible than in the USA and don't just prescribe it in the first appointment, it would take a lot of lies and I'm not that kind of person any more; and 2) If I get psychotic again I don't think I can make it.

I hope you don't get to read this, Speeder. Not because I don't care about you but because I hope you're clean.  What a horrible drug Adderall is.

[After 3 years away from this site...]

I can't believe I remembered my password, when I forgot so much about my life.  

I was an avid poster to this site, so much so I was granted admin rights... this is about 3 years ago, so hello old friends

For those whom I don't know,  I quit Adderall many times, and thought I had it beat, but went on year long bender when my husband and I broke up and I lost everything. While I can't say I think adderall is solely to blame, I do know that I behaved like a total meth-head towards the end, my behavior was totally out of control.  I was taking around 120mg/day, not sleeping, eating, drinking water, nothing. I would walk home from a bar in midtown at 4am in 3 inch heels just for the "fun" of it. I lived near wall street.

I eventually got fired from every job, lost all my money, and returned to my hometown to live with my mother. As a woman in her early 40s that was not easy.  I got a job eventually and I've gained 30lbs, but that dark period of my life from 2011-2015 was so confused by my adderall binges that I am just getting over the ptsd of what I did to myself.

Anyway for everyone on here who tried to reach out, I'm sorry.  All I can say is that I still get cravings for adderall and I am working on rebuilding my life. I am happy for family, and for self forgiveness.

Stay strong, friends. 

[Anyone else had Depression INDUCED by Adderall?]

On Adderall I experienced a full spectrum of amplified emotions. From what I can remember my thinking was pretty erratic.  Grief was one of those emotions. I used adderall to numb some emotions and improve my self-esteem.  Making the first few months off adderall particularly emotional.    Adderall really messes with your brain chemistry and  your brain to get back to normal dopamine/serontonin levels. Brain chemistry is really tricky  it just takes time to heal  and create new synapses etc.   

 

Overcoming depression is something I am struggling with since I got off Adderall 4 months ago. Determined to not take any pills for it I did all the things recommended for depression (exercising, meditation, eating right, abstinence from all substances), though these things help. Reluctantly I started taking anti D's a few weeks ago that seem to have levelled me off.  Depression is tricky anti-d's are just part of the solution.  I haven't beat it yet and completely understand the place you are in.  Eventually this will pass.   Don't give up and keep fighting.

 

I just turned this in to a sticky on my desktop.  So true, so well said!  

[I need support and guidance. a quick synopsis]

Thank you for the.prompt responses and support. sometimes that is the only thing that pushes me through, esp during the beginning. I know I'm just not reaching my potential in life and its time to make a drastic change.

I'm kind of scared and apprehensive to the depression I know will ensue but at least.this resource is available and I know that all of you genuinely care.

 

Hey can I be argumentative for a sec?  You don't need "drastic change".. that sounds hard and scary and impossible and most likely to put you off from doing anything about it.  All you need to do is make the most helpful choice for you RIGHT NOW.  Don't think about big changes, it's exhausting.  Just think about the you you want to be at this very instant, and give that awesome person inside you a chance to shine.  

 

Be positive - you know what to do.  

 

Hugs.

[About to Relapse! Help!]

Hey Whittering:

 

1) Good on you for coming here when tempted; that takes balls

2) No matter what happens, relapse or not, we don't judge you; and

3) Recovery is not a linear process 

4) Think about the end point.   That's what I try to do when tempted (which is more than I let on).   I think about where it will lead, when it will stop, what it will do.  And then I try to change the tape.  Do something different. Think about something different.  Just stop thinking adderall will solve all your problems - because you know it won't, it's a liar and a cheat.  

 

YOU ARE BIGGER THAN A FUCKING PILL!!! You can do this.  

[Major Insomnia anyone else have this problem]

I think someone else said it just today or recently, that recovery really has no rhyme or reason.  I remember reading that any or all of the following can be symptoms:

 

1) Hunger

2) Loss of appetite

3) Extreme fatigue

4) Insomnia

 

Go with it... and basically anything and everything is to be expected.  I remember about 6 weeks in to my recovery I thought I had a stomach ulcer because I threw up for 20 hours straight and couldn't even swallow water.  Oh, fun!  Well, your body at least is telling you it don't want the adderall in its system any more :-) 

[Last Dance (saying goodbye to adderall)]

Hey Jonah, what's your regimen - be interested in hearing what you've decided to do...   and congrats on sticking with it/us.  

 

Glad you're still here!

[tomorrow will be day 7]

Hey there, 

 

First off, don't worry about anyone else on this site except you!  And WOULD YOU STOP APOLOGIZING!!??  Sounds like you're sorry you're not a perfect wife, perfect mother, perfect ex-adderall-addict, perfect nurse, perfect dishwasher-cleaner, etc etc.  Hey guess what?  Perfectionism is a great mask for not accepting the amazing person you really are, underneath all those expectations you and everyone else around you places on you.  

 

Can I ask why you started taking adderall in the first place?  Sometimes that helps understand the root cause of what needs to be addressed:  for example, I started taking it really for 3 reasons:  1) because I was doing 2 jobs, badly, and couldn't cope with the stress; 2) I thought the key to my success was all focused on getting to a certain number on the scale; and 3) I was trying to avoid a stressful and emotionally painful personal situation (which was probably the real trigger, tbh).   Had I been able to know/articulate any of that at the time, I would probably not have ended up in a cycle of addiction and abuse.  Anyway, that's my insight for you - try to figure out what made you start taking it, and if that stimulus is still there... because if you haven't dealt with it, then the temptation will always exist... does that make any sense?

 

And yes, your husband is doing pretty well, all things considered.  Marriage is complex and no one is in any position to judge anyone else's, especially where addiction is concerned.  If you feel he is supportive (without making you feel like the guilty party), then that's great.  My marriage has suffered a lot from the fallout of my addiction - and my husband has been heroic in his support, and is a workaholic like it sounds like yours is.  Strangely enough, now that I've rounded the corner and am "stable" (or whatever) and gaining confidence and health and strength and consistency back, I'm starting to hear about just how deep the scars are on his side.  Ugh, addiction.  Hurts everyone involved.

 

But enough about my whole story -- just know that we're cheering for you from the sidelines, it's ok to feel whatever you need to feel whenever you need to feel it, and whenever you feel those horrible waves of depression wash over you; just know that they will pass.  I promise.  

 

You rock, lady!

[To flush or not to flush....]

LILTEX where does such wisdom come from?  You are like a mythical creature, offering all the right things to say at exactly the right time.  I think henceforth I shall refer to you as "she who doth say awesome things that belie her youth"... 

[Historical amphetamine epidemics]

... and onwards I imagine it will go.  The perennial drug looking for a disease.   I wonder what the disease will be 10 years from now?  No new thing under the sun.  

[THE 30 DAY CHALLENGE!!]

You guys are fantastic.  I love this joint accountability stuff.

[rampant on campuses]

Well said occasional1.   And zerokewl, reporting it is probably the right thing to do, but I don't imagine IR needs that drama in his life right now.  

 

I don't think I said this before, but it scares me how rampant prescription meds are in general.  I thought perhaps it was transference from me - that because I'd taken it I was seeing it everywhere - but nope, it just IS everywhere.  

[To flush or not to flush....]

Is this the "correct" way to dispose of control substances? If so, its a good idea. My best friend is on vaca until next week; she knows about my little issue so I'm sure she would be happy to do this with me. 

 

But i still feel like something is holding me back. Although i honestly feel no desire to take them, it's somewhat comforting to know that they are there. 

Lunax, I know exactly what you mean.  My bottle sat on the coffee table, full, for a good 3 months before I flushed them.  On the coffee table in the living room, for all to see.  I felt so strong knowing they were there but I didn't take them.  

[12 Miles a Week Running Club]

Hey there - Occasional1 you're amazing!  100 pushups!?  Ok I'm going to start with 3.  Can't go bad from there, huh?  

 

Actually I'm kinda by accident starting to do the running and gym thing.  I HATE running on the treadmill (zzzzzzzz) but like running outside, and lifting is such different and good exercise.  My goal in the gym is to go 4x a week - and work different body parts each time, plus the 12 miles running.

 

Yesterday I did arms and shoulders, but it's really the squatting I want to get good at - I'd just love to be able to squat some heavy weights; I'm so impressed when I see women do that.  I just have to get a stronger core first... so crunches and on-the-ball stuff I'm trying to do every time I go.  Wanna do a 12 mile + 4 day a week gym thing?  You guys are turning me in to a gym rat!

[tomorrow will be day 7]

Welcome to the forum, and the first thing I want to say is congratulations.  Even though it doesn't feel like it (maybe) to you, you are capable of something I probably never will be.  You got pregnant!  Oh, what I would give to be able to conceive.  

 

But I digress...

 

The second thing is what I was looking for in your whole post, which is that your husband knows about your adderall usage.  That is ENORMOUS -- imagine having to do all this without your kids or your husband understanding how or why you are feeling this way.  Does he take adderall too?  Or just you.  

 

Were you planning on being on adderall for the rest of your life?  Sounds like your pregnancy made you stop, but will you start again once the baby comes/breastfeeding stops?  It also sounds like you're not having any cravings right now, but you are exhausted, which is to be expected because you're no longer feeding your body and mind with chemical stimulants; and you have a human growing inside you.  

 

Take time if you can just to not think about the past or think about the future - just think about you, right now, and be gentle with yourself.  You sound very hard on yourself and a little self soothing might make you feel a bit better.  No, I'm not talking about spending a day at the spa or anything like that, but just stopping to breathe, and tell yourself you are doing the right thing.  And everything is going to be ok.  You can't predict the future, you can't change the past, but you can, if you think about it, take a minute just to accept YOU and give yourself a little high five for doing one of the hardest things that a person can do (ie quitting adderall), ON TOP of the challenges of pregnancy.  

 

Wow.   What a woman.  You have my respect, not that that means anything.... I hope you have your own.

 

Hugs...  shedding a little tear for you, hoping you give yourself the internal nurturing you need.  

[rampant on campuses]

Ahh, ok.  Thank you for clarifying.  Congrats on the long run and good luck for the next long prep session!  

[rampant on campuses]

 

 

Later there was a guy i was talking to who said he was up for 72 hours straight studying for exams and i couldn't help but think he was on adderall. At school it is so easy to fall into this trap, unfortunately I had to learn the hard way.

 

IR, can I just point out something to you, in the spirit of honesty?  In your post in 12 mile running club you said you were about do a couple of all nighters in a row.  Honestly, that got me worried.  No judgment, I can only imagine the stress, but we're here if you need us.  

 

Hope you're doing ok.. I can imagine the temptation must be immense sometimes.

[12 Miles a Week Running Club]

Ok Ashley, you're on!  No excuses, babe.

 

I just got back from a 4 mile run AND a session in the gym!  So that's a total of 10 miles for me this week.  Not bad for a newbie, if I say so myself!  

[Need some motivation]

Hi ll,

 

Yes this forum is awesome.  Some genuinely amazing people and stories here - you're welcome to come here as often as you like/need/want!  

 

My 2 cents:  there is never a "good" time to quit something you are dependent on.  There will always be work, family, other things going on in your life.  Having said that, it sounds like you really want to quit but you haven't come up with a plan.  Some people are really good at this... for me it was forced upon me but the first 5 weeks were horrible.   Then again, I was generally a very unhealthy specimen, so probably don't look at me as a model for recovery.  

 

What does having a plan involve?  Read up a bit on dopamine and adderall - there's lots of great stuff on this site - so you know the science behind why you feel so shitty.  Get your diet in order, stock up on supplements (everyone raves about L-tyrosene for a reason, it's THAT good (and your body is naturally depleted of magnesium so stock up there)); be willing to feel pretty shitty for a while.  Know it will get better.  And there is another side.  My thought is that if you know what you're going to be going through, you'll be less likely to relapse.  

 

Of course all of the above applies if you're going cold turkey.  I've never been able to wean off adderall - I'm just too addicted to it that I can't not binge.  

 

Good luck!  You can do this!

[Beta blocker for job interviews]

It's just like dating. If they're desperate, they will look for desperation. If they're snobby, they will look for snobs. That's my early Sunday morning lecture. Here endeth the lecture.