Searchingsoul9
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Posts posted by Searchingsoul9
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Sounds like you should maybe just not do it. If you want a recreational high smoke pot do not use adderall.
I was a huge weed smoker in high school, but after abusing adderall it changed my weed high. I can no longer smoke weed and be mellow or relaxed unless i drink prior to it.
I know i should not use adderall. at all. I was just wondering if this symptoms during the crash were normal or if it's just me. I am just curious. I have always wondered if i was alone in this crash symptom
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When i first quit i thought that i would never be able to do the same things that i did on adderall, like work efficiently at my job and hold conversations with others.
Well, after maybe 6 months into the quit i realized that i actually work better when i am sober. I don't hyper focus on stupid shit.
And i also speak when it is warranted or if i have something interesting to say, not just to go yapping on and on about whatever i was thinking.
I probably came off as super annoying. And most of my friends told me they thought i was high on something when i was using. That i was 'strung out' or 'too hyper'
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Maybe this slip was the proof you needed to realize that adderall just doesn't do anything good for you anymore. Maybe you learned or gained something from this experience. I wouldn't dwell on the negative, I would just focus on moving forward. So glad you're here! Xoxo
You're totally correct.
Every time i have failed and slipped and used, i realize that it is nothing like it once was...yet i still chase that high.
For some reason i can't see my old posts from a year or two ago, i wanted to read about all the negative shit it did to me.
Oh well, i will use this is a lesson
xo
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Thank you Soul. It's so good to hear these things. As I was reading your answers I suddenly felt guilty for asking all of these questions. I can't tell you how much I appreciate all the insight but maybe I should ask one last question (s). Is it hard to answer questions like these-or should I ask...do you think it's helpful to talk about this? Does it help or does it make people sad thinking about the past? Thank you again
It's my pleasure. I personally love talking about it. I no longer romanticize my relationship with adderall. Yes, i slip up from time to time, but i don't spend my sober days pining after the 'old times'
I do not mind any questions, if it can help someone else than that is wonderful.
I sometimes feel like i would like to get into some line of work where i could spread awareness of adderall addiction because it is not a very common topic. Yes, A LOT of young kids and adults abuse adderall, but it is not talked about enough. The dangers and the way that it robs you of your soul and your true identity is not a well known fact.
To answer your question, Yes...it helps me very much so, and hopefully it can help others who are considering quitting.
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It's just a slip. Don't let it derail you!!! Get back on the road to recovery ASAP and hang on for dear life. My friend, know that it was not you who failed. Your "animal brain aka lower brain" simply took over your "prefrontal cortex aka logical brain" and won the battle for a tiny bit of time. As I can tell from your post, you are now back in control and you don't have to let it win again.
Play the tape forward and back if you continue to use adderall. First, think back to your previous using days and imagine all of that stuff happening once again if you continue taking it. Visualize the rest of your life addicted to this drug and how that will make you feel.
Next, play the tape forward quitting right now and resuming your recovery. Visualize all that you can and will achieve. I know you can do this!!
You came back to the site and posted right away. You know the goal and you didn't have a full fledged relapse. You are doing better than ever as your slips are no longer sucking you back all the way down to the bottomless pit of suffering and despair.
So glad you are back and please stay with us! Thinking of you and sending positive thoughts your way!
Hugs!
Thank you so much for your reply! It really helps me move forward and not dwell on the slip ups.
And i am reading a book right now about the "animal brain" and it's very scientific and helps me understand WHY i do what i do.
I will stay on here for sure.
Even though i do not have a steady supply of adderall, i am seeing a new psychiatrist shortly and there is always the possibility that i could slip up and get a prescription again...but i had to fill out forms and i made it very clear i was heavily addicted to amphetamines (although, i almost kept that part out so that i could get a skript need be)
Hope you are doing well and having a good day!
xx
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To add to my above. I just realized that you are only a month sober....so definitely keep your chin up!
I'm sorry if my above post was disheartening. I was just giving my story, but when i first quit i was a super rollercoaster as well. Give it time and see how your mood can stabilize. It does gets worlds better than it was while using. Just give it time and ask your loved ones if they see a difference in your moods.
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I can totally relate. I was obviously up and down while using. Great when i was high and just awful when crashing.
I quit for a couple of years and still found that i can be very manic.
It's different now though.
When i first quit i was easily annoyed and lashed out on loved ones with snide remarks and unnecessary comments.
I was giddy and happy one second and then tense and on edge the next.
Even a year into my quit i still felt this, except it was more like i was hyper and happy and ridiculously weird and then a switch flipped and i was extremely sad.
I became SUPER sensitive. Any little remark would send me into a sad state.
I do believe for you and i and many other adderall abusers that the bipolar feeling or state is common when quittting.
I have a family history of mania and bipolar disorder, so i am not sure if it's genetics or the drug that did it to me.
Do you have a history of it?
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Posted 07 May 2016 - 12:03 AM
1. Did you feel as though other people couldn't keep up with your thought process?
I felt like i myself couldn't even keep up with my thought process. I am sure i sounded neurotic and frantic from someone elses perspective.
2. Did other people seem confused or without understanding during conversations?
Not to my knowledge. I did notice though that close friends or family were curious as to why i was suddenly so chatty and manic. Now if i get hyper or talkative naturally i fear they think i am using.
3. Do you feel differently now looking back on your interactions with others?
Yes. I usually ended up saying too much. Being too emotional. Writing a freaking research paper sized text message on why i appreciate their friendship so much and then a few hours later when i was crashing never answering their replies because i couldn't be bothered.
4. Did you ever feel as though you were dumbing yourself down to talk with friends or family-even if it was just about casual things?
Not intentionally. I thought i was the shit on adderall. Mistakenly so. I probably came off as more of a know it all.
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I don't use on a regular basis anymore, but i have relapsed and used sporadically.
What i was wondering was how does your body/mind react to the crash?
For me, and this only happens randomly...Sometimes i get very dizzy.
Blurred/double vision. Rapid heart beat and then it just slooooowwws. Like scary slow. Then i panic and try and breathe in deeply. I can't walk. I can't even look at one spot for too long or else my eyes go all loopy and i notice my progressively weakening breath again. Sometimes it will last 20 minutes, but others it will last up to 2 hours.
I have researched this before and all i find is panic or anxiety attacks, but when i am going through this it is only during the crash, never like right after i take the pills. Also, i am not like sitting there thinking "oh no, i can't breathe! i'm going to die" and getting myself all worked up, although i used to think this, but now i just sit with the horrible feelings and pray it passes.
So my ultimate question is, Is this a physical malfunction or is it mental?
Have i done so much damage to my body that it teeters on the edge of like a heart attack or something?? OR do i have panic attacks when i come off of the pills?
The first time this happened to me i had taken FAR too much adderall. I was 14 and i honestly thought i was going to die. I couldn't breathe properly and my heart went from racing to barely there.
This happened again at 16 when i also took WAY too much and stayed awake for nearly 3 days.
It happened countless times when i was abusing for a couple of years.
But now i don't use regularly & it happens even after a great nights sleep and only taking 50mg.
Does anyone else get this way??
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What you say resonates with me. "I hate this stuff, it literally makes me less productive and after the 30 minute high on day 1 is gone, there isn't a single positive that I can honestly say comes from swallowing these pills"
That rings so true in my mind. I honestly don't know why i take it when realistically i know that its a super short lived "high" and then you just feel worse than you did before it.
Don't beat yourself up though.
I quit like 12 times before i managed to stay clean for a couple of years. Then i relapsed quite a few times randomly and very spaced out.
And each time i KNOW it isn't even worth it. It is just NOT worth the debilitating low that it brings after that slight buzz that vanishes as quickly as it comes.
Use this to your advantage. Write down how it made you feel. If the urge comes again and you feel you're on autopilot...just tell yourself to wait at least one day. Just get through today and see how you feel tomorrow.
xo
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I was heavily addicted to adderall, same as you 80-200 a day.
I didn't use xanax to cope, but i did drink massive amounts of alcohol.
It is possible to stop. You just need the right tools. To get some type of help.
I read somewhere that it takes 21 days or something to establish a new habit. That once you keep at something for 21 days your brain will file that away as something important and necessary.
Maybe just make a promise to yourself to try and be clean for 21 days. I know saying "i quit fully and forever" is extremely difficult. So just think of it as a 21 day trial and then take it from there.
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So i officially relapsed maybe a few months? I can't even remember. I used to get prescribed Adderall, but i burnt that bridge in my hopes of ending availability to the pills.
This guy i met in the city offered me adderall. For free.
I should've just said no thanks, but i was on autopilot. We took them together and i was so frustrated because i was clean for like two years and the 60mg of xr he gave me was barely doing shit. Eventually it kicked it, unfortunately i drank so much that i didn't even get the full high.
The next morning i wanted to vanish. Regret. Depression.
Since then i have taken amphetamines maybe on 10 occasions. Each time i wonder why i even took it. It's not what it was when i first started. I hate it now, yet for some fucked up reason i end up being offered it or finding it unintentionally and never do i just say no.
I just flushed the last three pills i had.
At this point it doesn't do anything but make me slightly focused and semi content for maybe 2-3 hours. The rest of the day/night is all down hill. Panic attacks or just straight mind numbing depression.
I see a psychiatrist in about a week for the first time in a long time. Hoping i can end this battle once and for all.
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eYou don't need the adderall for whatever reason it is you stated/or may be. What you need is companionship so that you're not so dependent on a certain substance.
You're very correct. I don't have anyone as of recently. I moved to NYC and started a new job. I left my best friend behind and have no one but myself and my aquaintences at work
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Thank you both so much for your posts. I can relate to both of you guys. I can't stop thinking about food, and I can stop thinking about Adderall. Both ruin my life equally, and I do feel like I want to die sometimes.
I will take your advice and try to hang in there. I thought that things were supposed to get easier in sobriety, but gaining this weight and struggling each day to keep weight off , without the help of adderall---it's so hard, and there's just nothing worse than that. It makes me sooo depressed. It doesn't help that I'm unemployed right now, and have nothing to think about but my body. The fact that adderall is a quick fix to get skinny again is just so tempting. I feel like I'm going to give in at any moment. It's like I'd do anything to be thin again...even if it meant relapsing.
All i can do is take this day by day...and today I'm not going to give in to stimulants, I'm going to stay the course.
Don't give in. You can get to your body goals without adderall. I know how hard is and I know it's just so much easier with a stimulant,but it is possible. We just need to focus on eating clean and treating our bodies with respect. On adderall we may become bone thin again,but we also will be killing our insides and our outs. You don't want to be thin and decrepit. Adderall abuse will ruin or skin. Hair. All our outside appearances. We can be thin and healthy without any drugs helping. I have faith in that
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Read some of your old posts you made a couple of years ago - they are all still here. You really struggled but you fought the good fight and YOU WON! Why give all that up now?
That's a good idea, thank you. I will go through them later today. I know i don't want to deal with the crazy highs and lows of adderall abuse. It's just i am going through some messed up shit in my life at the moment and i am craving an escape...when in reality i could escape my current situation by just ending this relationship. Sorry, that sounds cryptic. I just need to evaluate my life and my choices and make the right choice rather than finding an escape through drugs
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Read some of the relapse stories on this site. No one ever said "I'm so glad I went back on adderall. I'm not addicted anymore." It's normal to have cravings. A year is not that long. Give it another year, then another. Your brain will let go - it takes time and distance. I went to some Smart recovery meeting when I had bad cravings st 18 mos. I needed to remind myself that I was an addict. I'm still on this site 3.5 years later so I don't forget and do something I'd regret. As for your other habits, maybe just tackle one at a time, if you want to quit.
Again - one year sober from a drug is not that long. Remember this.
Thank you. I know you're right. I honestly don't even think i have the energy in me to seek out a new psychiatrist and deal with all of that bullshit. The reason this thought came into my mind is because i was considering getting on anti anxiety meds. I told myself i'd give it a year and if my anxiety was still bad i'd seek help, then when i thought about pills my mind led me to trying to get adderall.
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I am hoping some old users are on here. Pretty sure i've been sober over a year, i recall two halloweens passing with me being sober. A lot has changed. i moved to nyc, got a new job, left my childhood home. And here i am craving adderall. I have even had thoughts of using again. Finding a new psychiatrist and getting a monthly supply. I'll be honest. I think, 'ill just get a skript and use on weekends;' just like i did before. I know if i got a supply i would use daily. I have not gotten sober. I mean, i drink pretty much every night, and/or i smoke weed. Still abusing cigarettes. So my addict mind tells me...if i am doing all of this shit already, why not add adderall back to the mix? Confused.
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Stillbreathing. I haven't been on this site in months but I just came on because I am struggling again. I too am bulimic. Have been for nearly 9 years. I am 22. I dabbled with adderall in my early teen years and that's when the anorexia set in. Then when I was about 19 I got a prescription for adderall and fully abused it. I have been sober for over one year but lately have been struggling with my bulimia again. All I can think about lately is adderall. It's been so do long I barely remember all the negative effects it had. Addicts amnesia. I even arranged to buy 50 dollars worth of Molly next week just in the hopes that I can spend one day not focusing on food. I know how hard it is. God I truly do know. After quitting adderall I began smoking more weed. Granted, I smoked on adderal but it didn't make me binge. Now. I usually smoke and binge. Or I drink (almost every night ) and binge. I haven't gained that much but the extra 5-7 lbs kills me. I miss the adderall high and I know I shouldn't. I know me on adderall was worse than me now. There has to be a way to combat this horrible cycle. Please message me and I'll be of any help I can be. Xoxox
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Do you have any advice on avoiding it? Like how do you keep yourself from it when all you want is to have it? I know that is a very broad question, but do you recall anything specific that helped you?
Avoiding adderall?
Well lucky for me i cut of my psychiatrist. I did not have street availability to it.
The only drug dealers i know sell coke, other pills, weed.
And for the most part i avoided even asking anyone if they sold adderall because i was so used to the steady supply of a skript.
Drug dealers are A.Sketchy & B.Unreliable
When i was abusing adderall i needed it when i needed it and a drug dealer was not an option.
Exercise really also did help keep me from finding a new psychiatrist to prescribe.
It sounds cliche, but it's true.
Sleeping helped, watching funny movies or shows on netflix, and i don't want to promote smoking weed, but that helped me too-in moderation is best obviously.
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Hey SearchingSoul,
I'm so, so proud of you for one year! Congrats and thank you for posting this!
We used to message each other on here in the early days, and I can honestly say that I have YOU in particular on my short list of people to thank for the fact that I am clean from adderall today.
It's really amazing what we can do with a little support from people who understand.
All those cravings and the horrible withdrawals we went through were SO worth it. If anyone out there is reading this, life on the other side is unimaginably much brighter, fuller, more beautiful. If you're going through your acute withdrawal phase, KEEP GOING. You are healing and turning back means going through it all AGAIN.
Anyway congrats again on one year!!! You are an inspiration to so many people, probably more than you can even imagine.
Thank you so much!
& same to you, i could not have done it without our frequent messages and updates.
You helped me through so much-i honestly did not think i'd ever get clean
xox
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I am delighted to hear from you again, SearchingSoul! So proud of you for the successful Quit. You struggled with this addiction for a long while, and I remember your journey while you were sharing your daily challenges with us. Thanks for the update and a big Congratulations for a year free from Adderall and all the positive changes that brings.
Thank you for your support! You and everyone else on here, i couldn't have done this alone
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I love this !! How sad is it that we can't tell the difference anymore? What is normal anyway? Not being jacked up on adderall, that's for sure.
It is a really hard thing to overcome, but once i kept telling myself it wasn't natural or expected of me to act as i did on adderall it got easier...and now i find myself gaining back a little natural energy bit by bit
xo
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Just starting day 2, and feeling massively better than yesterday. Have caught up on sleep quite a bit.
Eating a tonne of vegetables during the day is very helpful if even a little unsatisfying.
I haven't gotten anything done really except keep myself fed.
It's embarassing how good I got at coping with withdrawal symptoms because it became an ingrained routine for me.
I'm feeling a little rollercoastery every time I think about going to work this week and facing the realization that people close to me now know my secret. But it was the right thing to do and I still feel relief about it as well.
Fear of relapse was getting so bad that I was almost beginning to plan ahead for it as well as crashes when I was totally sober. What a horrifying thought. I literally don't have to feel afraid of this anymore.
It's funny how terrified I was of admitting to another person that I didn't have control. For so long I thought my battle had to be to win back control. It's so liberating to just admit the truth and not have to fear the future anymore.
Congratulations! Keep it up.
Work may bring some anxious feelings, but those people you confessed to wont be judging you. (Even if they were, their judgment is based on pure ignorance)
Just get through each day and keep pushing forward.
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Don't ever forget this!
ADORABLE!!!!!!!!!!
Come Down Question
in General Discussion
Posted
I've tried every kind of adderall. Generic and non. Pink and orange. Mostly orange.
Even Vyvanse and concerta, but all the same weird crash symptoms. Maybe it is just me. Or some type of damage i have done.
Thanks for the reply though. I appreciate it