[uggggggghhhh!!!!]

awww, Heather... I don't mean this in a patronizing way when I say I can relate so much to what you're saying about personal circumstances and I also totally admire your wisdom. I know doing the mom-thing solo, being desperately broke at the worst possible times, friends seeming so out of touch, trying to just hang on while also believing, truly believing, that it WON'T always be like this... Not too long ago for me, the lights and water got cut off for a few days (can't believe how many gallons of water it takes just to flush a damn toilet once!), had to wait to borrow $$$ from some folks I felt like a jerk even asking, will scramble to pay them back and stay afloat-- praying that scary rattle & shake on the car isn't gonna keep me from starting my job (which was like an act divine providence to even get). Sometimes it's the perfect storm of getting slammed from all sides at once and everything just seems so uncertain and scary.. like if just one more tiny little thing goes wrong, it could all fall apart further at any moment.

I'm not saying this just to bitch or cry together Doing the best we can with what we've got is all anyone can do. I think you are doing your best too... and if your best that day is just managing to stay upright and breaking down into tears only 5 times instead of 10, then you DID the best you could that day. I do believe it's all we can do and despite all that has gone wrong lately, I'm seeing with my own eyes that the shit in life we can't control or force with our will DOES have a way of working itself out in its own time as long as I just keep on keepin' on the best we know how. I think you got a better grasp on that than I do and you seem like one of the most self-aware persons ever. In the meantime, keep your head up mami- you're not alone

[Vivid horrible nightmares (not abt relapse)?]

Almost 7 weeks addy-free now, I had a couple relapse dreams early on that were mildly uncomfortable but felt totally relieved upon waking up. But for the past several nights I've been having the most terrifying disturbing nightmares! Horrible, horrible dreams of witnessing tragic things happening and the "traumatized" feeling sticks with me for hours after waking up. Even though I know it was just a nightmare, it takes a long time to shake off the feeling. It's getting to where I dread going to sleep because of the awful things I see in those dreams.

This has never happened to me before, -- did anyone else here experience this as part of PAWS? How many nights/weeks/months did it last?

[Deleting Facebook]

My entire pereption of facebook is from what I have read on this forum. Here is my take: facebook is like the front yard of a home in a nice neighborhood where everbyody's grass is mowed, all the white picket fences have a clean fresh coat of paint, and the flower beds are beautiful with no weeds growing in them. There is a welcome or bless this house sign on the front door of this facbook home.

Then you go into the backyard and the quitting adderall woodshed is tucked in the back corner of the lot with overgrown trees and bushes in front of it, and the lawn needed to be mowed last month. But once you go inside the woodshed, there are bundles of wood stacked accorking to size, the floor is swept and there is a functional work bench and usable tools and a couple of sturdy chairs.

What an amazing metaphor!

Facebook... nope, never got into it (though probably would've been less damaging than all the drunk Skype I used to do in a previous life )

[whirly week]

Hello again, beloved adderallics- I missed this place! My unemployment status required some enforced austerity measures and home internet service got the axe temporarily. I was looking to find some time in a cafe with wi-fi but got busier than ever... when YAY I got called for an interview last week, then invited back for a second, and then HOLY CRAP a job offer last Tuesday I was astonished. I thought for sure it'd be months of searching ahead.

And it's a great job too --good pay, benefits... but before it sounds like gratuitous annoying bragging, the fact is, guys, I AM SCARED! I will be working some damn long hours and the position has way more responsibility than my last job (or any I've ever had really), my first thought is of course "How am I gonna do this without adderall?" This is first time since quitting that I've felt like I made a huge mistake cutting off the doctor access, I know addy wouldn't ever again do the "wonderful" things it used to do for me the first year on it, I KNOW this logically, but my addict-mind is making me doubt myself.

Gosh, this is hard! Oh, how I wish I'd never followed that speedy rabbit down the hole all those years... though I'll never be able to catch it again, addicted to the chase more than anything... times like this especially. ugh.

[Yeah I'm done.In]

Well said, sky... a marabout couldn't have explained it better

I don't what the OP's interpretation is, the juju-ology (making that word up) that I knew of (from W.Africa) was sort of a mixture of Islamic mysticism/indigenous animism. Juju itself can be a concept kinda similar to "luck", good or bad, but other people and even your own actions can influence it for better or worse.

A (singular) "juju" can also simply be like a charm or amulet (the khamsa/hand of Fatima is a well-known one). In the height of my adderall suspicious thinking, I was fairly convinced for a time that there was bad juju put on me and devised compulsions to counteract it, o_O I can't imagine now... but hey, I guess it doesn't sound so crazy that some here used to believe speakers were implanted in your ears. ...Adderall, scary trip!

[Yeah I'm done.In]

OK still some typos but I think way more legible now..LOL And yes I am gonna be dead honest here...I do not have total faith in myself that in 20 lbs from now I wont go omg screw this and go get a refill..LOL

But I am here and willing to try..and I am so grateful for all of you because I am gonna need told NO! lol

Because I really hate being fat..omg I hate it..lmao But seriously because of my spiritual tendencies that fear that I am putting bad juju in my life with the amphetimines is getting pretty serious too...maybe that fear is a bit looney and part of speed psychosis..really dont care..lmao I just know for now its actually the one thing that is worrying more then being fat...and thats really mature for me cuz most of my life I have been a very shallow thin obbessed woman..lmao

so were gonna hope that nearing 40 has slapped some sense into me and I can love myself fatter!

snickers..yahhhhh well see...lmao but I am here to try! Anything to be able to sleep and stay hydrated and not look fricken elderly in the face...right now that is actually more annoying then the fat..

and to not find my wonderful friends who I used to love so much..annoying because they are crying or venting or upset..

I miss being really sweet and genuine and empathtic to people not just be like..omg shut up and let me google random theories that are totally so unimportant to my life its stupid..lmao

so heres to finding the way back to sweetness..sugar..empathy..peace and love...for even the most weepy of my friends and people..lol and to a younger looking face...and good sleep...even if it means double digits in jeans..and huge thighs...

lol

I saw that now cuz I am not in those jeans yet.....I am gonna need my hand held when I am...lmao

whoa, I was kinda struck to see someone here mention that... I also found myself believing in juju for the first time ever when I was on adderall ( I don't anymore.. no offense to you) but some of my former in-laws were way into it from traditional beliefs and in some of my more paranoid states on adderall, I started believing some strange things. I'm normally very much a skeptic, but I had convinced myself that some strange occurences over time correlated with the bad eye and also juju.. gosh, that seems SO so strange for me to even say that now, but it made sense to me at that time. Huh.

[Yeah I'm done.In]

I actually am starting to lose weight again. It's weird. I didn't lose any weight on Adderall and started to gain back some of the weight that I had lost prior to getting on Adderall. When I would crash at night and unable to sleep, I would crave sweet, starchy food. I would binge on it. I wasn't exercising as hard as I use to because I felt like I was going to pass out or have a heart attack. I am trying not to push myself too much right now. The main thing I do is dance. It puts me in a better mood.

It's not as weird as ppl might think. Same thing happened to me, I gained weight in my last 2 years on adderall and I was not overeating even during the crash. But in the past 4 weeks that I've been off, I've lost about 11 lbs now and also started running again (which I hadn't done in 7yrs on adderall), I'm not consciously trying to eat all healthy, but I just find myself doing it anyway.

There was someone else here too (I think occasional01...?) who said she has also been dropping some pounds after getting off adderall.

[wobbled yesterday]

I found a stray little blue 10mg yesterday morning in between the car seats. I didn't throw it out as I should have right away. I was having some family coming over to my house later that afternoon (I seldom have visitors these days) and all I thought of was the hours of cleaning before "Mr. Inspector and wife" came over... and oh shit, everything was in need of a good scrubbing. JUST 10mg enough to zip through it all... and I nearly forget everything about the past 4 weeks.

I kept saying I would take the pill to get me over the last bit of effort... maybe after I've cleaned the kitchen, or after I've washed the floors, or after I've dusted all the rooms.. surely, then I'll need the pill to finish strong.

At the end of it all, I stood in my freshly sanitized bathroom, flicked the blue pill into a sparkling toilet bowl and flushed. I had just done the best gotdam cleaning job this house ever got... and all on my own, no speed.

The housewife's equivalent of the "all-nighter" ... now where's my gin

[mornings...yuck!]

Well, sometimes the craziest ideas work surprisingly well....the affected accent idea helped. I woke up in the usual pissed- off- for- no- reason mood, but I lightened up just by talking to myself like that before the rest of the house was even awake ( can't seriously curse when it comes out: "muddaah foookying") Perhaps I'll try an Irish brogue tomorrow just so I can say "gobshite" LOL

Now if I could just ever get a chance to use an accent WHILE getting laid... wow, morning in all it's glory

[I tried to quit but I can't.... so very sad]

I have been taking adderall and vyvanse for at least 4 years now daily. When I don't take it I can't even get out of bed and will stay in bed all day. This stuff has ruined me. I was out of work for a little while and I decided I was going to quit this stuff and I made it almost a month until I found a job and I couldn't function at work without it. I was extremely tired and just stared at the computer screen on the edge of my seat. For the month that I didn't take it my mood was leveled out but the exhaustion never eased up and I stayed in bed most of the time. When the adderall starts wearing off I'm disconnected from the world. I feel like a zombie and all I want is to be left alone and get into my bed. This is a roller coaster ride and I'm so tired of it. My doctor also has me on Prozac and xanax. I'm addicted to the xanax too. I have a few good hours a day and the rest is down hill. When I get home from work i'm totally useless and I have 2 teenage sons that need me. I cry everyday. These doctors just keep prescribing this crap but don't tell you the hell you will go thru if your on it long term. I've pushed away family and friends and don't socialize at all. This has had a huge impact on my kids. I don't want to take this stuff!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm taking uppers and downers. I don't know what to do anymore as I'm just existing. I don't see a way out of this especially having to work a full time job. I can't function without it. It is going to be the death of me.

I have never taken Xanax myself, but doesn't it have a next-day fatigue effect? If your exhaustion never eased up after a month off adderall (not even a little some days?) then perhaps it isn't just stimulant withdrawal underlying the tiredness... could be a number of other things, but I had always heard reports that Xanax leaves lingering hang-over like fatigue.

I am four weeks off addie, unemployed as of last week but also have four kids to care for on my own. I do understand the exhausted feeling and it still arises here, but it's more mental now than anything-- demands and responsibilities feel relentless. I've had to let stuff slide some days and accept that I am only one person. If you want to get off adderall, you have to lower your expectations of yourself too at least for a time-- I realize you have to work, you have to care for your kids (are they teens? Can you delegate some stuff around the house?) but cut yourself some slack wherever you can. It doesn't mean you're substandard, it means you're human and so long as you expect yourself to be super-human, you will always feel like you need adderall. JMHO

[mornings...yuck!]

I can't remember if you're married (I think you are?) or not but I love to do spoons in bed with husband for 20 mins or so before having to get out of bed, it really brightens my mood, especially in the winter. It's hard to get up, of course, but the cuddles are really comforting.

I was married once but been divorced for 2 years now (ex wasn't really the spooning type anyway LOL) but oh, how lovely that would be in ideal circumstances ....but whoever mentioned in another post that 'tis better to be alone than to be with the wrong person is spot on.

The morning bitchiness is new, only in post-adderall life. I suspect it's partly to wake up and think of all that stands before me for the loooooong day ahead and it feels hopeless and overwhelming. Then a little later when I start just getting into going through my day, the bitchiness dissipates.

I'll have to try the accent thing, I do a very good Liberian patois

[mornings...yuck!]

ya sounds like you need to get laid in the mornings...

I know that's right!!

[mornings...yuck!]

Four weeks free of adderall. Overall, it is unequivocally the best decision I have ever made in improving my quality of life.

It also seems so many tertiary compulsions just effortlessly dropped. Quitting smoking was easy (over 2 weeks now) and I am naturally gravitating towards better eating and I started running again. THAT felt amazing..and I was boosted to see that I could still hold up at a 6.5mph clip (despite 6 years of inactivity and being 25lbs heavier now), how could I have ever forsaken that glorious runner's high for something a dirty, vitality-stealing adderall buzz ?!? There's still tough days, but their do-able.

I do have one major sticking point: mornings I am raging Bitchy McBitcherson, just evil.... I'm all short and snappish with the kids, I feel like throwing stuff (not in front of them, thankfully) my tolerance for frustration is minus 0. By mid-morning though, I'm cool and calm again, feeling alright (though sad I ruined everyone else's day for them, probably)

Anyone else experience this? I'm wondering if it's a particulary body rhythm pattern or prone to some surge of something internal in mornings. I gotta do something to level it out 'cause it's a terrible way to start the day. Thoughts??

[Random Awesome Stuff You Learn Every Day]

I just learned a minute ago that the reason men have nipples is because in utero all embryos begin with a female blueprint, only in later weeks when the Y chromosomes kick in the testosterone does the rudimentary "she" become a "he" but the now-useless nipples remain ... aren't you so glad to know? But now I'm curious about what my daughter just asked me: "Do cats have belly buttons?"

[resume question]

Don't forget to also include on your resume any relevant volunteer experience you've done during those employment gaps. I had a 9 yr stint of only very p/t work and I transitioned got into full-time with an organization based on just my related volunteer experience. I didn't even have that much time invested in it (how could I with 4 kids/school/pt work) but I was able to highlight it well on the resume and it caught their attention... now if I could just swing that again.

UGH! I HATE job searching. .. and "networking" and having an "in" is really how to get a job, but I feel like Eleanor Rigby these days. I have no schmooze skills whatsoever,do you find yourself in much the same predicament? I may just find a short-term volunteer gig for a bit and hopefully make some connections again through that, but man,... cash flow is tight.

[Front page of NYT this morning]

"[....]Adding that “the medication itself is pretty innocuous,†Dr. Katz continued that someone without A.D.H.D. might feel more awake with stimulants but would not consider it “something that they need.â€

“If you misdiagnose it and you give somebody medication, it’s not going to do anything for them,†Dr. Katz concluded. “Why would they continue to take it?â€

Un-fuckin'-believable!

[Rough day]

We are all "wow-worthy"... pats on the back all around

[Myers Briggs Personality Test]

INFP... same as I got years ago before starting adderall.

Although I was more socially avoidant at certain times on adderall (every evening it was leave me the fuck alone!!!) but in the euphoria hour, I was almost obnoxiously extroverted-- and at work meetings I'd even get a bit "cocky" (or since I'm a girl, I guess I woulda been called "pushy bitch" ) Anyways, so not me for real and it didn't make me more effective, I just thought it did.

I embrace my INFP-ness (penis? hehe .. nvrmind,I guess can still be obnoxious )

[need help making the decision to quit or not, for now]

Do you really WANT to quit? That has to come first.

[My Brain Feels Like a Computer Screen Saver]

Were you a regular consumer of caffeine before? Y'know caffeine takes a loooooooong time to get over they say (I'm too lazy to dig up and cite the research right now) ... Just sayin'

[New experiences]

Actually I was thinking about it in the shower today, and thinking well if cheating is as rampant at Harvard as it seems to be, and it is such a high-pressured, A-type-personality school, then adderall abuse must be de-riguer. You never know, you might have a junkie on your hands hahahhaa!!!

Didn't you hear? Harvard awarded Adderall an honorary PhD... LOL ( It was in "The Onion"... )

[Rough day]

It sounds like much of what's bothering you is "what if..."..."What if I get dropped from those classes, what if I have to change career tracks because of my's school's rep? what if I break up with my girl?" We all engage in worrying, but so many times what we worry about never even happens and if/when it does we simply find a way to get through it and usually it's not as horrible as we imagined. And even when it is as horrible as we imagined -- shit, we're still here to tell about it, right? It's hard to slow your mind down when it's carrying you off in projecting the worst case scenarios, but if there is anything you can do to solve a problem then there's no point in worrying about it.. if there's nothing you can do to solve a problem, then there's still no point in worrying about it because it won't help the situation.

I used to think I was the wimpiest marshmallow and I feared everything that COULD happen in the future "what if.." ... but man, when the real shit hit the fan, when some of my big fears in life did actually happen (my 15yr marriage ended, my mom died, my kid was diagnosed with a life-long disability) I found out I was a LOT stronger than I ever knew and (unlike I feared) I got through it without falling to pieces... it was the fear of things happening that tortured me worse than anything.

All you have is what's right in front of you right now in the present moment, and more often than not the actual moment we're in right now is more or less OK. Keep your mind focused there and if these things you worry about DO actually happen, you will know what to do-- you might imagine that you won't know how to handle it, but you will. You're much braver and stronger than you think.

[cuz it's been that kinda week around here]

I'm not normally a very sentimental person, but these winter blues or whatever we call it that been getting so many down is blowing hard. I'm all lonely and weepy and sad tonight, so want to dedicate this song to all here in the doldrums.... *sigh* may it pass soon. xoxo

[The falcon is fucked up]

Falcon, I'm not sure but I think you're in the midwest? This freezing cold snap is murder on the soul!! I'm up in Minnesota (deep-frozen tundra)- our body/minds just wanna hibernate I think-- or nature's instincts tell us "migrate or die" and it IS depressing for real.

I do hope the heavy heart lifts for you soon.

[Within the next month or two..]

10 years ago, I took Wellbutrin I had to stop it abruptly after the first month because I developed an allergy to it (the dye in the compound actually). I was scared I would experience some sort of effects just stopping suddenly, but I didn't. Doc said it's not like Paxil or others whereby you have to wean off.

(OT: I feel like ALL my posts are always "yep, me too. yeah, I did that too. that happened to me too..." and I'm starting to feel like a jerk.... sorry :/)