[2 years and 2 months - still struggling]

i honestly hate being a downer and i don't want to scare you Frank B! i still think staying off it is the way to go, you are almost at one year and that is truly amazing!  the blog is a hobby (that maybe could turn into a profession if i really took it seriously like i want to) I'm trying to start  a "lifestyle" blog with recipes I've made and pictures I've taken.. i was such a good writer before i started taking adderall (ten years ago) and now it is so hard for me to get myself going sometimes. i work freelance as a location scout for tv shows and i was staffed on one for 5 months this summer but now thats over so i work on different things week to week. Because i have time off sometimes, the blog would be a way for me to use my off time more efficiently if i could just get a system down. i have a hard time staying motivated at work and hope that maybe someday i can switch to a different profession, but location scouting is where the money is at for me right now. i feel like my boss from the 5 month job i just finished hates me bc i was so freakin distracted all summer with going to phish shows and traveling and partying and now that its over I'm like, "shit!!! what did i do!?" i guess its all a learning experience. i am somewhat of a big drinker and i haven't had a drop of alcohol since the election 11 days ago so I'm wondering if that has anything to do with my awful mood today? I'm not sure but i am allowing myself to feel the sadness in the hopes that i can process it and let it go. 

[2 years and 2 months - still struggling]

I am feeling very depressed and disheartened today. I am trying to motivate myself to write a blog and i just keep getting distracted. It is hard working on a project without adderall and all the caffeine in the world will not get my brain going like it used to. I am trying to set a time limit on myself to get this writing done and struggling hard. i feel so complacent about everything and I wish i could honestly just give myself a swift kick in the ass. I am wasting so much time today procrastinating and then I get even more depressed because I get mad at myself for not doing what i set out to do. It is a vicious cycle. I really want to get this blog up before christmas so I am putting a deadline on it for december 10th. i can't believe two years have gone by and i am still having such a hard time. i find myself always getting distracted by relationships, and then nothing even seems to pan out. i haven't had a real romantic relationship with anyone since I quit this stuff and it makes me wonder what i am doing wrong there too. why can't i care with the same about of passion bout whats actually important? my priorities feel so out of whack. i want to be the best version of myself i can be, and i don't want to give up but i am very frustrated with myself right now.  i don't really know what else to say but i am reaching out for support because I feel like everything I'm doing is pointless.

[One Year and Seven Months - trying to be kind to myself]

liltex, thank you for your kind words. i smoked a lot of pot white i was using adderall as well.  i actually used to have a nickname for myself... "speedweed"!!! LOL.

 

all jokes aside, i still do smoke pot and DUH im sure that is not helping with my brain function. it does help me with anxiety though and i am not quite ready to give it up. not sure if or when i ever will be, but i have def cut back and am working on it. i found that it really helped me through my withdrawal period and am glad i had access to it rather than other pills like xanax and klonopin that are usually given for anxiety. 

 

that being said, there is a good chance i would be far more productive without it.........

[Sick and tired of being tired!]

i understand how you feel and am having trouble getting myself motivated lately. just keep trying i think that is the only option. i am sorry i dont have more advice for you, but know that you are not the only person who feels like this. dont give up.

[Four years adderall-free!]

thanks for this. i am at one year and seven months and feeling a bit low lately. one thing i know is that i definitely dont want to give up! i cant wait to be able to say that four years have gone by!

[One Year and Seven Months - trying to be kind to myself]

Hi there everyone! 

 

I quit adderall on August 28th, 2014th and am proud to say that I am a little over a year and a half adderall free!!!! it has not been easy, but this website has totally helped me through some tough times. i was taking between 20-40mgs XR for about TEN YEARS before i decided to quit. 

 

That being said, I sometimes look back at that part of my life (age 16-26) and feel as though i am looking back the life of a different person. I try not to let my mind wander too far bc the past is the past, but it is hard to not wonder what my life would have been like if i never took it.

 

i have been doing my best to change my diet and pack myself with nutrients and omega 3s so that my body can heal from years of not eating properly and drinking too much. i have also been taking lionsmane supplements that seem to help with my focus.  i used to go almost all day without eating and then drink about the equivalent of a 6pack when i would get home to calm my nerves, and then eat something really fattening and unhealthy once i was drunk. i would also smoke a pack of cigarettes a day, and now ive gotten down to maybe 1 cigarette a month, which feels amazing!!!! i used to waste so much time smoking cigarettes, i sometimes think back on the old me and am so embarrassed by certain things i used to do (like smoking cigarettes in the car with nonsmokers bc i couldnt wait until i got out of the car)

 

i feel like i am re-learning how to be a proper human all the time now, and am learning to cut myself some slack, but i really do still get frustrated with myself from time to time about my lack of motivation. i have been able to keep up my same job (location scouting for tv shows) but in the last year and a half i have really had to push myself at times to keep my head in the game. adderall used to be so helpful at work bc i sometimes work 12-16 hour days and it would help keep me awake and productive. now when i work that long of days it is much harder for me. there is also a lot of stress and pressure at my job because there are deadlines and a lot of multi tasking, and i will admit that i have had three serious anxiety attacks from work in the last year and a half. i really hope that i can find another profession someday, but it is hard to turn down the work because it is good money and it is what i am used to. 

 

right now i am in between jobs, i have a new one that starts on april 21st, so i am using the next few weeks to get more into my yoga practice and do a lot of gardening and fixing up around my place for the spring. i have also been doing a lot of creative writing which i want to publish into a zine, but it is still really hard for me to concentrate sometimes. 

 

does anyone on here ever feel like their brain will never work to its fullest potential again? sometimes i feel like there are pieces of my brain missing that still need to grow back. i am not trying not to be pessimistic, which is why i keep trying to heal and re-build by body and brain, but sometimes it is still so hard for me to stay focused or feel motivated to to anything. it can even be painful just trying to read a book, which is really frustrating because there is so much that i want to learn!!!!!!

 

i had three failed relationships during the ten years i was on adderall and have not been able to have a serious relationship with anyone since i quit. i try to remind myself when i get down about this that i am still working on myself. sometimes i wonder if i will every be able to have a serious relationship again.. it really scares me that i might never be ready. i have also really had to come to terms with my bi-sexuality in the last year an a half. something that i have always known was there, but never really took the time to think about when i was on adderall. i am still learning to be more comfortable with myself, which i have learned all stems back to loving yourself and surrounding yourself with people that are forthcoming with their love and acceptance. 

 

i also suffer from severe paranoia at times since quitting adderall. i will go through phases of thinking that everybody hates me or that my friends are all talking about me. 

 

meditation has really been key in getting these repetitive thought processes to stop, and i HIGHLY recommend it to everyone. 

 

i have always been extremely sensitive since i was a child, and taking away the adderall has definitely brought a lot of that sensitivity and wild emotion back into my life. i am doing my best to keep my emotions in check without any other medications, but it can definitely be a struggle. 

 

this post is getting really long and i want people to actually read it so i am going to try and cut it off. i guess i felt a need to post because i am feeling a lack of motivation and have so many projects that i want to do in the next few weeks while i have time off and i really dont want to let myself down, but i am having a hard time getting my energy up! it is disheartening for me that after all this time i am still struggling with some of the same stuff i was struggling with a year ago and could use some encouragement from anyone who has gone a bit deeper into this process of healing.

 

I AM NOT GIVING UP. that is one thing i am sure of. i will never go back to that stuff. ever. EVER. and i will continue to grow and be kind to myself. i encourage anyone who has recently quit to stick to it, or if you are thinking about quitting go for it! it is definitely not easy, but you WILL live where you are more present and a much better version of yourself. 

 

love and light to you all <3 namaste.