FinallyQuitting

This may not be relatable to most people but I just want to share my story with anyone who understands. I'm 35 and my life has completely revolved around Adderall for over a decade. I'm married to someone who doesn't understand addiction or anything about this drug. So instead of leaning on him for support, I have hidden my addiction from him for years. It's been tough going thru it alone, and I've quit and relapsed too many times to count - never made it past 30 days. I was powerless to stop getting my scripts filled just so I could function at a basic level. I would drink excessively and chain smoke cigarettes just to come down off the high. For years, my journals have been filled with drunken gibberish about how this pill is ruining my life and I need to quit. Finally, my husband got a job opportunity that would move us to a faraway island for a couple years and I begged him to take it. A third world country where Adderall isn't even available, much less any sort of modern health clinics. Part of me felt like I willed this into existence... finally, I will be forced to quit. I will have no access at all. The universe is answering my subconscious plea! Well, we have been here 2 months, that's when I took my last pill. I closed my eyes and said a ceremonial "goodbye" knowing there was no possible way to get another one. Now, I am struggling bad - our moving boxes are piled high and everything is chaotic and disorganized. I am very fortunate I don't have to work a traditional job here, my "job" now is to unpack and get the house organized but I can barely manage to get out of bed. My only motivation is the hope that maybe I'll find a stray pill in one of my possessions, a pill that fell out to the bottom of an old purse or something. I meticulously check every pocket and every zipper. It never happens. I hopelessly daydream and obsess about it all the time. "Maybe I could ask a friend to mail some to me from their stash?" Ugh. The withdrawal has been tough. I haven't checked this site much, but it's been so helpful to read everyone's stories - it is giving me strength. I am making peace with the fact that Adderall doesn't exist where I live and will continue to solider on through the day. I would have relapsed SO HARD by now if I had access to it. Honestly - HUGE kudos to all of you who are figuring out how to quit while living in a place where it is so readily available. My doctor in the US was happy... almost eager...to write me 90-day scripts whenever I asked for it. Never had psychiatric screening or anything, just walked into an small urgent care clinic one day and simply asked for it. It's crazy and messed up for such a powerfully addicting drug. Anyway, I have so much respect and admiration for all of you quitting. Keep going. I have to make it through this because I have no other choice.