[Forced to quit by moving to a remote island]

This may not be relatable to most people but I just want to share my story with anyone who understands. I'm 35 and my life has completely revolved around Adderall for over a decade. I'm married to someone who doesn't understand addiction or anything about this drug. So instead of leaning on him for support, I have hidden my addiction from him for years. It's been tough going thru it alone, and I've quit and relapsed too many times to count - never made it past 30 days. I was powerless to stop getting my scripts filled just so I could function at a basic level. I would drink excessively and chain smoke cigarettes just to come down off the high. For years, my journals have been filled with drunken gibberish about how this pill is ruining my life and I need to quit.

Finally, my husband got a job opportunity that would move us to a faraway island for a couple years and I begged him to take it. A third world country where Adderall isn't even available, much less any sort of modern health clinics. Part of me felt like I willed this into existence... finally, I will be forced to quit. I will have no access at all. The universe is answering my subconscious plea!

Well, we have been here 2 months, that's when I took my last pill. I closed my eyes and said a ceremonial "goodbye" knowing there was no possible way to get another one. Now, I am struggling bad - our moving boxes are piled high and everything is chaotic and disorganized. I am very fortunate I don't have to work a traditional job here, my "job" now is to unpack and get the house organized but I can barely manage to get out of bed. My only motivation is the hope that maybe I'll find a stray pill in one of my possessions, a pill that fell out to the bottom of an old purse or something. I meticulously check every pocket and every zipper. It never happens. I hopelessly daydream and obsess about it all the time. "Maybe I could ask a friend to mail some to me from their stash?" Ugh. The withdrawal has been tough.

I haven't checked this site much, but it's been so helpful to read everyone's stories - it is giving me strength. I am making peace with the fact that Adderall doesn't exist where I live and will continue to solider on through the day. I would have relapsed SO HARD by now if I had access to it. Honestly - HUGE kudos to all of you who are figuring out how to quit while living in a place where it is so readily available. My doctor in the US was happy... almost eager...to write me 90-day scripts whenever I asked for it. Never had psychiatric screening or anything, just walked into an small urgent care clinic one day and simply asked for it. It's crazy and messed up for such a powerfully addicting drug. Anyway, I have so much respect and admiration for all of you quitting. Keep going.

I have to make it through this because I have no other choice. 

[8 Stages of Amphetamine Use/Abuse]

Wow! I can't believe how scarily accurate these 8 stages outlined are. I have been oscillating between stage 5 and 6 for a couple years now. Great post, thank you for sharing. 

[18 months sober... and happier than ever. There is hope.]

You are exactly where I hope to be someday. Thank you so much for sharing.

[9 months clean update]

Very inspiring, great post! I hope to get there soon too. Thank you.

[Fell off the wagon. BUT, found something that has helped.]

I made it 14 days, then got my script filled.  It’s like I had pushed out all memory of wanting to quit and was laser focused on getting it again. Guess this is how addiction works. Or, cold turkey just is not for me.

 

So, I’d like to share one thing that HAS worked well for me in limiting my intake. Before, my biggest problem has been in continuously dosing throughout the day as soon as I felt my peak begin to crash, to try and achieve that initial feeling. Obviously, it never worked and it only made me feel too cracked out to fall asleep, then I’d take even more the next day because I was so tired.  I always started the day saying “I’m only taking 15 mg today, and this time I MEAN IT†but that would go out the window as soon as I felt it wear off.

 

So I bought this lock-box called the Kitchen Safe for 40 bucks online, you can set a time limit for it to stay shut for anywhere from 1 minute to 10 days. I believe it was invented to limit binging on tempting things such as cookies/chocolate, etc.  Anyway, in the morning when I’m clear-headed, I take out my maximum amount of adderall, 15 mgs. The rest goes in the box and I set it locked for 24 hours. There is NO code to override it, the only way to open it is I suppose to take a sledge hammer and smash it to pieces. Hence why you shouldn’t put life-saving things in there.

 

But so far, it has worked really well. Of course, around noon I’ve started scrounging through old purses, under the bed, trying to find a missing pill that may be tucked away because I want MORE. But after a few minutes, I accept that I can’t get it open and distract myself with something else...exercise, reading news, whatever. Then – I get a great night’s sleep, and wake up the next day being so thankful to the box for doing its job. I am clear headed, I set my intention of 15 mg a day, and I do it all over again. Then, someday I will try 10mg, then 5mg, until none.

 

It's a great way for an addict like me to start tapering off dosage without temptation, because cold turkey has proven to be too difficult to stick to for me.

[Adderall cost me my job]

Wow, thanks so much! All of you were so right.

 

I was so hesitant to tell my fiance for fear of being judged or that he'd leave me. He enjoys alcohol but is against anything else mood-altering (for his own use, not necessarily others). He used to work as a counter-narcotics analyst for the illegal stuff... befitting of him because he's 36 and never tried anything before in his life - not weed, not a cigarette, or even COFFEE (!!!). As a child, he saw his mom have caffeine withdrawls/headaches and it scarred him for life I suppose, lol. Sometimes when he's feeling really adventurous, we'll go nuts and share a coke zero. All that to say, I guess in my mind, telling him "I'm addicted to speed" never really occurred to me as an option.

 

He knew I had taken it once years ago, I had to 'fess up after a night out with friends. I drank WAY too much wine to counter the crash and irritability as usual - but I blacked out and caused a horrible screaming fight between us for no reason. It was like being possessed by a demon, I did not feel human.  I even physically assaulted him on the walk home by squeezing my fingernails into his hand and drawing blood. The next day we both couldn't believe it, he was so hurt and I was so ashamed. He said if I ever take those "blue crazy pills" again, it's 100% over, and my response was "you have my word".  But... in my addict mind, all it did was teach me to hide the side effects - it never happened again, nor did I complain about sleepless nights, etc. And he trusted me.

 

But, I read all your comments and agreed...I have to tell him, it's the right thing to do, and I cannot do this alone. And if he leaves me for this, maybe we aren't meant for each other anyway. As heartbreaking as that is, I hope to marry someone I can rely on in vulnerable times of need through all of life's curveballs, not be judged. 

 

So I told him tonight, and it went GREAT!!  Naturally, he did feel a bit betrayed - but overall was so relieved I was honest and he pledged to help me through it. Lots of hugs and kisses and tears for us both. He said it all makes sense now...my binge-sleeping weekends... sometimes I never ate, but sometimes I couldn't stop eating... sometimes I'd belly laugh at our favorite show, but sometimes I'd sit there the whole time emotionless... The puzzle pieces really began to connect and he knows that "adderall me" isn't the real me. 

 

It feels amazing to have no skeletons in the closet for once, and we're stronger then ever! This is finally my time to change and it's REAL! Not sure I could ever get to the point of posting it on my Facebook like AlwaysAwesome did - but mad props to you, now that is bravery!

 

Thank you again, everyone. Honestly. 

[Adderall cost me my job]

Hi all.

I am only 4 days into quitting and experiencing extreme lethargy and apathy.  I so badly want to get my script filled and it’s taking every ounce of strength not to do so, but seeing posts in this forum have helped immensely.

 

I’ve been using adderall for 7 years. I first tried it in college to get through finals after a friend gave me some – it was like a miracle wonder drug. I immediately googled ADHD symptoms and memorized what to say to a doctor to get a prescription, easy as pie.  I’m now a 31 year old professional, and have not worked a single job that I felt I couldn’t get through without using it. Or basically accomplish any task that might be boring – such as hanging with future in-laws or other obligatory social functions. I live with my fiancé who has no idea I use it and would be so so so incredibly disappointed if he did.  But, this version of me is the only one he has ever known throughout our entire relationship.

 

A month ago, after using all week and having sleepless nights for 4 days straight – I was all paranoid and tweaked out on a Friday at work and interpreted a comment during a meeting as a personal attack (it wasn’t).  I made an impulsive decision and quit my job on the spot - something I have never done before. My colleagues thought I was crazy… it was a competitive company that offered so many wonderful perks and tons of flexibility.  Over the weekend, I sobered up to binge-sleep and realized the gravity of my mistake was made on adderall brain, but it was too late.

 

Fast forward a month now and I have spent every day of my unemployment taking adderall and cleaning our 2 bedroom apartment over and over, in between episodes of chain smoking and drinking booze to help the comedown.  The normal me actually HATES cigarettes and is a lightweight who can only drink 2 glasses of wine and be more than satisfied.  Adderall me can't resist a whole pack and a bottle.

 

My fiancé gets home from work everyday and I lie about how many jobs I’ve applied for (NONE) and hide the alcohol with gum because he began to worry that I had a drinking problem. He just went out of town this past weekend so I used the opportunity to quit once and for all.

 

Now, today is Monday and I am still wearing the same clothes I was wearing on Friday.  That’s right – I haven’t even showered or left my apartment.  I am ignoring all phone calls from friends and family.  I want to do nothing but eat and sleep. I feel like the biggest worthless piece of sh*t.  But I am just trying to keep in mind that this drug is ruining my life, my relationships, my ability to keep a job, or enjoy normal moments like a normal human being.  I’ve tried to quit so many times but THIS ONE IS IT, I AM FED UP. I just discovered this forum and am so relieved that others out there know the feeling, so I thought I’d share my story too.  Thanks.