The Legatus

Today has been a extremely rough day for me. I am worried about being dropped from 2 classes I need to graduate and I'm in my last semester. I however do not question my judgement in quitting adderrall. My girlfriend and I are fighting alot, I think the only thing holding us together was the adderrall. I feel nothing anymore I feel for her sometimes. I want to leave, but I don't want too. Something holds me saying I need her, and that I want to be with her. My brain swirls with emotions yet it stands still. Unable to clarify leaving me void of any emotion, when it decides to choose an emotion it ends up being primal rage. I'm like a train laying my own tracks ahead of me and I fear i'm running out of tracks. After having quit chewing for 2.5 years I have found myself returning to it with a vengance going through a tin a day. With no way of slowing down, I found out that the school I am currently going to for firefighting is publicly mocked in my state for a shitty standard of education. Now i'm afraid I will have to switch to a different career path. To be honest I'm scared of where i'm going, what i'm doing, what to do. I turn to god and he hears me but I still feel like i'm in the deepest darkest pit of despair. I Have put myself into my own personal pit of despair and rage. Please help me.

No thank you Lea, thank all of you who have posted in this topic and on this site. For allowing me to see into your own person struggles, and life letting me know I'm not alone. That there is hope for brighter, better days ahead. That this mountain I see to be my addiction is actually a mole hill. Easily climbed and conquered. Each and everyone of us who actually want to quit want to be better can do it. Toss aside the I can't or I won't be able too attitude that plagues most of our conscience and embrace the freedom of being addiction free. I believe in all of us.

Hello everyone I've made it to day 8. I feel tremendously better about myself and then I ever did on adderall I will admit on day 5 I had a break down. I thought about killing myself, and hated everyone and everything and completely shut myself off to the world. I was mean to everyone around me and hateful towards them because I felt no one cared or was there for me. However I came back and re read your posts and they strengthened me. I came close to taking a pill that day but resisted. Now I don't even want them anymore and tonight with my girlfriend I am gonna flush the pills down the toilet and say goodbye to that person I was becoming and hello to my future happier self. I feel it's important to have her there because I want her to know I'm serious about us and working towards a better future and that together we can make it through as long as we work through it together. I'm about to go to the gym and start working towards returning to my former 185 muscled self. I am roughly 220 now so I know it'll be a long road but with God helping me it will easily be accomplished. Thank you all of you. I know some of you may not be religious but I am and think of you as saints working so hard to help others. God gives us a burden so that we can become stronger and open our eyes to what we are capable of. It is our duty to not let that bright light we have been given to be snuffed out instead we must shine and lead others to his loving caring embrace. -The Legatus

I've experienced this kind of feeling before I used to go through a tin 1/2 of chew a day for 2 1/2 years. I managed to quit cold turkey so I know I can make it through this. Yesterday me and my girlfriend got in an argument and she told me that she. Actually had thought of committing suicide because of her constant inability to please me and make me happy. We both then broke down & cried together and I held her in my arms. And it actually felt like I was human and holding someone I love instead of an object. I broke down and told her everything about how I feel emotionally and physically and showed her this. Sometimes I feel like when i was on adderrall there is raw strands of emotion coming out of my head labeled anger, happiness sadness love hate loneliness and at any moment one could be touched and set off an explosive chain reaction. I waslike a ticking time bomb waiting to go off.

Today is not a good day. My head feels like its in a juice squeezer and the knob keeps getting turned tighter. I also have lost my want to do anything. Just seems like to much effort I rather just pass out and sleep. I also feel bad because im unable to help my girlfriend with her issues right now because I feel so fried. Like my heads in a blender. Chocolate milk seems to be my only respite. That and sleep.

Sorry I just have so much to say and release it feels good.

Thank you everyone for the immense outpouring if support. I never expected anything like the warm welcome I am receiving. I know that it is my own stubborn pride that is causing me to keep the pills so that at the end of the month I can cast them into the toilet in victory knowing the first set of shackles on me are broken. Even though there is a long road ahead. Thank you for encouraging me to believe I am not a piss poor person. I plan to take a picture of myself today, and then once a week every week on my road to overcome my addiction. Just for my personal use so if I ever think of going back I can look at it and think is that what I want to become. To be honest this is the only place I can share my true feelings. I am going to school to be a firefighter/EMT and being strong is definitely what is expected from my profession. Now don't get me wrong we aren't all assholes but definitely won't hear alot of emotional talk. It's kinda like that saying in expendables 2. When the girl asks Sylvester Stallone why the team doesn't talk about death. He replies "Death is a dark place for us so we don't talk about it, but when we go dark we go pitch black." On adderall my anger can best be described as I become the hulk as in I emotionally lose control. I never have or will physically harm someone but I feel like I do more emotional harm to the people i care about then I ever could physical. Which leads me to telling you all another real big reason I'm using to me quit adderall. There is a very real chance my girlfriend is pregnant and if I were to lose her because of adderall and lose my child It would be cataclysmic for me. That is by far my biggest fear, something that scares me more then death itself.

Today is going to be my 2nd day in a row off adderall. I chose not to go to my classes today in favor of letting myself rest and re cooperate. I've also realized this is really gonna be hard.

I'm sorry I respect your opinion and agree that by that time it may be to late. But as an individual I cannot be happy with myself unless I take the hard road to get through something. I've got too believe in myself that I can control this otherwise I will fall back too it.

I do have pills left. I will admit to you that i probably will not throw them. I get a strong sense of pride and feel like I build my self control when I knowing I have that option to fall back to whatever is troubling me yet look it in the eyes and say no. For me to beat something that is controlling me that is how I take control over it by not letting it control me. However, the moment I feel like I can't control myself I will flush every single last one of those pills. Thank you all for your support and encouraging words they were not said in vain. It feels amazing knowing that I do have support and people knowing exactly how I feel.

[Forgive my horrible grammar] Roughly 3-4 months ago a buddy offered me adderrall to help me study & focus in an exceedingly difficult class. I will regret the choice of accepting that pill and beginning down this road for the rest of my life. At first like you said you feel like Superman, capable of anything! The feeling it gave me was amazing and it made me burn with passion and love for everyone around me. Now I feel like an hollow shell, and the once in shape, passionate man I am has long since been replaced by an abusive disgusting piss poor excuse of an human being. I am not ok with that. I refuse to be this and will conquer this addiction will recover and become who I am supposed to be. Your probably wondering what lead you here, what opened your eyes. Tonight as I tossed and turned restlessly and all my worries and problems of today ate away at me I stopped and remembered a friend of mine whose a pastor told me next time I am faced with so many worries and problems to turn to God. So I did I closed my eyes and begun to pray and I asked him to give me guidance. Recently I have been developing an extremely fast pulse rate averaging 110-120bpm. Which I believed to be caused by adderall and I wanted to see if it was possible and it is. Which lead me eventually too look up How to quit Adderrall and this showed up and my body instantly had chills run through it as if god wanted me to know I was heading down the right path. I then read your post about how to quit and the comments made by other individuals Erin, Chris, and Mikes struck me the most. I felt like I had just realized the truth sitting in front of me adderall is ruining ruining my life. I then looked at another post and realized I am a stage 6-7 adderall user. I take 50-60mg a day. No more. No longer. Today my life begins and although what I'm saying jumps all over I feel free like a immense weight removed from my shoulders by posting this. God bless whoever made this site, you have positively impacted so many lives and inevitably opened so many eyes. Tears of joy and gratitude are flowing down my face from finding this. And now my real journey begins bear with me my brothers and sisters for truthfully we are in this together. -The Legatus