[Hand Termors]

I experienced awful hand tremors a few years ago when I would take Adderall and if I were in front people, it would cause a ton of anxiety and I would shake even more.  I would be so nervous that my hands would start shaking and that everyone would notice that I would avoid going to lunch with coworkers so that I wouldn't have to reach for my food.  The tremors caused so much anxiety that even after weeks off of Adderall, I my hands would shake unexpectedly and my nerves would make it even worse.  I talked to my doctor (did not know I was off and on Adderall) and he prescribed me a beta blocker called Propanolol.  He suggested I take it as needed when I had a meeting, interview, or any other situation that make make me anxious and cause tremors which I did. After using it as needed for about two months, the tremors went away completely.  I was able to reassure myself that the tremors were more mental than physical and I could control them on my own.  Not sure if that helps but I feel your pain

[Need to Talk]

Anyone online that wants to talk?  I haven't logged on in months and could use a chat with someone who gets it. Message me if you're in the same boat.  

[Figuring Out Why You Take It]

One of things questions I've been trying to find an answer to is why I take Adderall.  I know that some people with ADHD are able to take their prescribed dose, just like they would any other medication, and benefit from it in a healthy way.  Even though I definitely have ADD symptoms, I know that I don't take it as a form of treatment.   I read this amazing article in the New York times about a woman with a story very similar to ours.  She talked to a psychologist who has treated people addicted to adderall and his insight really struck a cord:

His Adderall patients are overwhelmingly creative people who wanted to work in the arts — yet, he says, many have chosen other paths, safer paths, resigning themselves before they’ve even really tried to achieve what they hoped for. “They often give in to practicality,” he says. “Then they feel they missed out. And when they take Adderall, it makes them feel good, so they don’t focus on the fact that they feel like they sold out.” Many people are using Adderall to mask a sense of disappointment in themselves, Stratyner says, because it narrows their focus down to simply getting through each day, instead of the larger context of what they’re trying to build with their lives.

As I read it, it made me feel like there was this underlying issue that I didn't realize existed.  I'm not happy with my life and definitely don't feel fulfilled in my career.  But when I take Adderall, I can feel passionate about mundane projects at work or home and I can focus on smaller things to get a sense of accomplishment.  If I'm high, I can trick myself into thinking that I have it all together.  That way, I don't have to think about how much I regret not pursuing something I was passionate about and how much I wish my life were different. 

Obviously I have a slew of other reasons I use for taking it but this one really resonated with me because its on a deeper level.  What are some real reasons you have for taking adderall?

[The #1 worst thing about Adderall]

One of many things I hate about it is not being able to explain your behavior to people who don't know you're on it.  If I take it and act like a complete lunatic or say things that I never normally would, I just have to let people think I'm a tad crazy.  Abusing it for years also wreaks havoc on your life and I always think about where I would be if I had never taken it.  I definitely took a detour through life and would love to be married with kids and have a fulfilling career but spending ten years addicted to adderall kind of got in the way.  I wish people in my life knew what I was going through so that they could understand why I've been stuck for so long.  

[My Story - Trying to Quit...Again]

Thank you so much!  It's so encouraging to hear that you know exactly how I feel.  I took the last of what I had yesterday and I promised myself not to call my doctor for a refill this week and then go from there hopefully feeling stronger. Thanks again

2 hours ago, bluemoon said:

I have so been there. I know exactly how you feel. The good part is that you sound like you are ready to quit! You can do this. It won't be easy, but you can do this!

 

[My Story - Trying to Quit...Again]

I first took adderall ten years ago during my freshman year of college.  My friend saw me in the library struggling to write a paper and handed me a blue 10mg pill, telling me how it would make me focus.  The rush of euphoria and invincibility hit me almost instantly and I've been chasing that high in one way or another ever since.  I always had a hard time concentrating in school and now I was able to sit in the same position for hours on end, unable to get up until the work was done.  I've had eating/body issues since high school and I had suddenly found a pill that eliminated my appetite.  Since that day, I've either been trying to get Adderall, high on Adderall, or coming down.  I bought pills from different people during college, spending more money that I even want to think about.  

After I graduated, I gained 15 lbs and was absolutely miserable.  I found a psychiatrist who had me fill out a survey and immediately wrote me a prescription for a month supply of 20mgs which soon jumped to 40mg.  I typically took 60-120mgs a day and after a few months of living with my parents completely cracked out of my mind, they could tell I was "on something".  My mom found my pill bottle hidden in my purse the day before I was starting my first full time job.  She came into my room and said hand over your pills.  After protesting, then crying, I finally gave up.  Prior to her confronting me, I had realized that I had a serious problem and knew that I couldn't go on any longer.  The conversation pushed me into a detox I was not ready for.  I went to my first day of work exhausted and Adderall free - it was hell. Looking back I'm not sure how I got through that week.  A few weeks in, I started to feel better and like my old self again.  But I would give in and take a friend's extra pill and found myself back at the doctors.  I have been getting prescriptions off and on for 6 years although my parents have no idea and we never spoke about it again.  I go through a vicious cycle of binging, coming down full of anxiety and shame, swearing that it'll be the last time, and then something happens and I'm right back where I started.  I tell myself or a friend I am bumming pills from that I have a deadline at work, I'm tired, etc. The truth is that whenever I feel lonely, bored, sad, or out of control, I decide that I need it and go on a mission to get it.  I know that I am better off Adderall and that I've made a complete mess of my life.  When I'm on it, I say and do things that I would never normally do if I weren't on it.  I wake up the next day, full of shame, and need to take more to distract myself.  I want my life to change but I continue to do the very thing that I know is the reason I am stuck in the same place.  I want to be happy and healthy, yet I just can't help but sabotage every chance I get.  

Not having anyone to talk to doesn't help and the friends that I have tried to confide in don't understand and become uncomfortable, and I don't blame them.  I think talking to someone who understands might be what I need to finally stop, which is why I finally decided to post my story.  I usually visit this site when I'm depressed and coming down and reading other people's stories makes me feel less alone so I figured asking for advice would feel that much better.