[Depression or ADD or addiction???]

I was really depressed before I used adderall. I was depressed while using it and now that I am in the process of quitting, I am more depressed than ever. However, I don't think it is easy to be able to figure out where one begins and the other ends without stopping the adderall. The years that I took the adderall just numbed me, but when it wore off I was left with all of the same problems and then a giant one of top of that. I actually miss the days of my garden variety depression- at least I didn't have a drug problem....

[Horrible symptoms after stopping adderall(its been 4 months)]

I don't understand the support from doctors for taking this drug. Even when I look up research on adderall abuse, the only articles that come up are on college students who abuse adderall that wasn't prescribed to them or people who use crystal meth. There is so little in the literature about people who had difficulties with their own prescription. I don't understand the lack of research- I thought that amphetamines were the mostly widely studied class of psychiatric drugs.

[What made you quit or want to quit Adderall?]

If I knew any other way of doing things, I'd still be trying to take adderall. But when I found myself more interested in taking adderall and staring at spreadsheets from work instead of being with friends or family or eating or reading, that was when I knew that I had really, truly lost who I was. 

 

I never laugh or joke around when I'm high on adderall. My value system got so warped. I used to have really beautiful hair and it's falling out. My ribs stick out. My resting heart rate was 103. I'd grind my teeth at night. I'd go the whole night without sleeping and come into work. I flipped out on my roommates once. During really bad come downs, I contemplated suicide. 

[How to Cut Doctor Off - Advice Needed]

I just did this last week. It was a hard thing to do and I can't say I don't regret it but once you are real with your doctor about how are you actually using this medication, believe me, any decent physician will listen and they will not hand it out like candy. My dishonesty with doctors kept me on this train for years. I didn't half ass it either- I was very blunt (ie. I basically was like, you prescribe me this amount and impulsively take as much as I want and will probably continue to do so). 

[Life ruined?]

I have been lurking this website and this forum for over a year. I have contemplated sharing my story for so long but couldn't make myself do it-maybe because being honest would make everything real- but at this point, I know I have a problem. 

I never thought that I would end up here. I started taking Adderall in 2012 because the nurse practitioner thought I had legitimate ADHD and I did as well. For the first year, I didn't abuse the drug. I only took it when needed and every month I usually had at least ten extra pills.  Slowly, over time I gradually increased my dosage. Sometimes it was a little bit extra here and there- nothing too extreme but somehow I ended up here- prescribed 30 mg IR a day and taking up to 60 mg IR, maybe even more. I lost weight, became really irritable and lost sight of who I was. I ran out early all the time and would just sleep it off for those few days, lie about how things were going and then pickup my script. Over time I needed benzos so fall asleep and to take the edge off of the crash. My prescriber got so frustrated with me that she cut off both prescriptions. I found a new psychiatrist and told him I had trouble with it in the past (a somewhat sanitized version) and he agreed I could take it as long as I was honest with him and didn't any extra. 

 

Of course, I fucking blew it. But this time, instead of lying, I decided to be honest. I came to his office and told him I was taking way more than prescribed and that my life had gotten out of control. I'm on the "taper down" method. I should be off altogether in a month. I'm currently taking one 20 XR a day and I wish I could say that I only felt mildly uncomfortable but the truth is it barely affects me and feels only slightly less better than not taking anything at all. I'm tempted to take more but I can't lie to this guy. 

It's hard for me to articulate how truly alone I feel. It's not the fact that I let this get so out of control (ironically, I thought the Adderall was the only thing holding my life together, until it was ruining it), it's just the path that lead me here. A good portion of my life I have been so deeply and profoundly depressed and this was the only thing that helped. But something deep inside of me knew that I couldn't fix the underlying issues that lead me here without being sober. I'm just worried that I ruined my life. The brain fog, the tiredness and the crushing depression are so intense that sometimes I'll just sit with my head in my hands, as if I can't even contain these feelings. I rarely cry, but there are times when I start crying and can't stop. I realized that this is probably the tip of an Everest sized emotional iceberg that I've ignored for so many years. I'm so afraid. And beyond feeling afraid, I have never, ever felt so alone. I know that no one sitting on the other end of this and reading this could ever really say that I will be "ok", but to know that someone else knows what it's like to not only be deeply intertwined with a drug they thought saved their life and lose it, but who knows what it's like to feel like there was something deeply and pathologically wrong with you that lead you down this road in the first place would feel comforting. Or that someone out there read this.