[Adderall still felt like a new thing, then I woke up and realized it had been 5+ years...]

Wow, I can't thank you guys enough!! I appreciate each one of your insightful replies and I really wish I could express how much it means to have actual communication with other people that understand my suffering! It's a process, and I'm just in the early early stages of climbing a hill. Or, running a hill, when you're like damn, this is actually starting to suck, and there's still a lot more hill to run haha. But this is the first time I've ever been in communication with people about adderall where I didn't just get met with a "it's all in your head, man. Just try not to think about it." 

If only it were that easy. In face, I wonder sometimes, do the prescribing physicians or psychiatrists have any FUCKING CLUE what they're giving us? Jeez. The shit is stronger than they think. And when you tell let's say, a family practice physician, about the adverse effects of the pill, they seem to be almost condescending in their response. 

Family Doctors aren't exactly the type of people that have been on a lot of spring break bingers in their past, so I think they may have a recurring ignorance as far as asking the right questions when a patient may be developing ADDICTION as opposed to what they usually immediately assume as tolerance. 

 

Anyway- much love to you guys- and thanks again. I feel a lot better just knowing there's others out there. And we are all surviving and getting better. 

 

Edit: I'm not blaming anyone. I got myself in to this mess and I'll dig myself out. I do hope, however, that the ever increasing "quick fix" mentality of our Western world hits it's end at some point

[Adderall still felt like a new thing, then I woke up and realized it had been 5+ years...]

It's weird, I didn't realize that I was addicted. I just...knew it was addictive, if that makes sense? I thought "hey, I can quit any time I want". And just knowing that made it easy to quit for a few weeks here and there, a month here and there, but that was when I was just taking breaks. 

When I made the decision to cut the adderall permanently, (mainly cause of the blatant damage that my prefrontal cortex seems to have endured, thus rendering my ability to control impulse completely fractured,) it's been a nightmare of a difference. 

I think about it constantly. I'm worried I even bring it up too much, in conversation. Like an ex that I'm obsessed with. 

Only a month out on this journey now, but I'm worried I'll never be happy. Cause I've realized that the reason I got so hooked in the first place was that I wasn't happy before I ever took that first pill. 

Took it, and boom. Within weeks 6 pack abs. Incredible workouts, handled alcohol like a boss, for the first time IN MY LIFE women were flattered in my presence. 

My jawline looked better. My clothes fit better. I was more aggressive playing sports, which gained me access to the wonderful serotonin release humans are entitled to when their peers respect them. 

It was like that for 4.5 years. Rockstar lifestyle. Then I started to slowly realize I'm in my mid 20's. Can't party forever, and blow the parents money without ever graduating college. All the wonderful times on adderall, but no production. No education. Just living a rich boy's drug dream. 

The hardest part in recovering is the lack of confidence in my physical appearance. It LEADS to me not carrying myself right in conversation. 

My performance in sports used to be virtually the same with or without popping an adderall prior, but again, now that I know I can't ever take it again, it's suffering. 

 

Im so scared of what's to come. What I've become. Almost suicidal. This isn't a cry for help. Just feels good knowing you guys can relate. I'd never harm myself. I wanna get better. 

One may wonder why did I ever stop taking the pill if it worked wonders like that? I'm not sure what happened, but simultaneously as I realized I was living a meaningless party lifestyle, 4.5 years in to the prescription, I started needing more. My 10- 30mg a day wasn't cutting it anymore. I started taking 60. 70. 80!!!!

And the horrible habits followed. 

So I cut it. Flushed them.

Here I am a month later, wondering how brutal this war can get. 

Thanks for listening.