[You were right.]

The last time I wrote on here, I told everyone that I was quitting. 9 days clean I told everyone that I was finally feeling good(ish). I said I was done and shared my enthusiasm about supplements and yoga. I was determined. I ignored the advice to cutting off the supply. I thought I'd be able to have the script just lingering in the background, you know, for the "just in case". Out of sight, out of mind. Except it was never out of mind. I knew there was 5 days, 6 hours, 11 minutes until I could re-new. I let the lies comfort me and the cycle continued. 

Fast forward to today. the lies comforted me for 3 weeks. I really was feeling human again. I forgot what it was like to laugh- that can't stop, belly hurting, tears in eyes kind of laugh . I forgot how nice it is to fall asleep with my boyfriend at a normal time. I was able to spend real time with my son without the desire to rather to doing something "productive". I started to speak without slurring my words.Without zoning out. 

During my 3 weeks clean, I made a comment to my boyfriend how I feel half dead and depressed. He replied that I probably never felt more alive. He was right. But September 20th still came- "this will be the last time"

It's been 3 days w/ a 70mg script. I have 4 left. I can see clearly how these pills change my personality and goals in life. I decided this is it, no more! Fuck this drug. I want the full human experience. Only this time,I let my Dr know. I ignored the screaming voice saying that  need them. That I can just not fill the next script. But fuck that, I cut off the supply. 

Should have listened the first time. 

[Dreams are making recovery difficult today]

Hi everyone.

My recovery from a addy/vyvanse addiction has been going way better than I ever expected. Made it to Day 9 with nothing but smiles and a positive attitude. I started a cycle of BPC 157, I take supplements daily (l-theanine, vit D, magnesium, melatonin, 5htp). I've had the energy for my work outs and I've even become more social. Recovery seemed to be on my side.

Until today. I woke up in sweat and tears because of a dream I had. A dream where drugs were all around me. Pills everywhere. Memories of me being "productive and happy" has left me in a state of panic today. I WANT THEM.

Has anyone else experienced dreams that made them want to relapse?

[Tick Tock- Recovery begins]

12 hours ago, quit-once said:

  Did you actually tell your doctor you are done? 

I don't even know how to do. Or maybe I'm scare to. Fuck. But I'm going to. I promised myself. Do people just call and ask them to stop the script? or go in and tell the Dr in person?

[BPC 157]

Does anyone have any experience with BPC 157? I'm about to start my first cycle tomorrow. 

[Tick Tock- Recovery begins]

It's comforting to know there's other people out there that knows what hell this is. I just wanted to say hi to everyone and be more active on this forum. Opposite of addiction is suppose to be connection; but I have no one around me to feel understood and connect with. And it sucks! All because of one stupid fucked pill. 

One? I wish! I miss the days where one was all it took. I would take one in the morning and be a gorgeous superwoman with the world in her hands. Got the body I always dreamed of (been bulimic for many years. Convinced my Dr to give me vvynase since it just got approved by the FDA to stop binge eating... WHO THE FUCK WOULD GIVE A WOMAN WITH A EATING DISORDER A PILL TO TURN OFF THE HUNGER!!). I started a new career path, graduated with a 94% GPA, I even fell in love. Life was perfect.

But that was 3 years ago. 

One 30mg pill turned into 70mg/5x a day. My new found life enthusiasm has turned into an isolated pacing zombie. I've become a shell of person and I hate myself for it. I made an attempt at recovery about a month ago which lasted 5 days. But then new script day filled (I thought I could be the exception of the rule and be strong enough to resist the temptation. Turns out I'm the probably the reason the rule exists to fire your Dr). It's been a 2 week binge fest (30- 70mg vyanse and 30- 25mg addy). But looking around my spotless apartment, this isn't a life. 

I'm committed to recovery. Instead of one day, tomorrow is Day One.  I wanted to take the time out to make myself visible. It may be from a screen but reading everyone's support for one another gives me that hope.