[Checking in - 4 1/2 years clean]

My therapist told me that once! Don't should all over yourself lol. I tend to focus on the negative, what I should have done. I do this long and short term. Short term I can give you a whole list of what I have not done each day, and this keeps me stagnant.  With my recovery I would beat myself up about how long I abused adderall, and how long it took me to come clean. That narrative overrode any sort of pride or accomplishment I felt for getting and staying clean. Cognitive behavioral therapy really did help me. I had this stuck thought in my head that I was a loser. I used to think that all the time about myself (along with other equally hateful ideas about myself). We're just all works in progress. I appreciate your kind words! I think it's important to take the past and learn and grow from it, and I may have used for a long time, but I overcame it. I'm not "broken" or a "loser". i don't tell myself those things everyday like I used to. 

[Checking in - 4 1/2 years clean]

I went into rehab on 2/22/18 after 17 years of abusing adderall and I have not gone back to using since. 

It's pretty amazing when I stop and think about it. Adderall and dexedrine abuse completely fucked up my life. Don't use it for as long as I did. I was just reading a post from someone who said that it takes basically a year to feel normal after each year of abuse. I don't quite know what normal is but I know my dopamine receptors are probably completely off and I have to work everyday to get up, go to work, and engage in basic self care. 

I was able to go back and get my bachelor's degree and get straight A's completely off amphetamines. I finally graduated in May of 2021. Since then I have had 2 jobs where I have been steadily working my way up. 2 years ago I was working shitty retail jobs and felt stuck. Now I am making about 45k a year and I actually have good credit, a car, and I'm responsible. I'm not where I thought I'd be in life but I really am trying my best to stop trying to compare myself to where I thought I should be by 40.  I gave up alcohol twice.. on my second go-around of sobriety. About 6 months sober now. I'm just an addict; when I find something that makes me feel good I tend not to moderate.

I saw a link on a recovery server I am on that posted to here and it just reminded me of this place - when I first was coming off amphetamines and dealing with PAWs the stories on this site made me feel so much less alone. I just want people reading this to know that life gets better. Life is not perfect by any means but I truly believe that amphetamines are the devil's candy and they will destroy your life in a way that no other drug will. 

 

Not sure what the point of this post is but just had some thoughts I wanted to share. Stay strong everyone. 

[Things better than a high?]

Speaking of Ikea furniture...

in September I moved into a new apartment with a new roommate.  (Was a few months clean, and moving out of my parent's home again).  I bought all new furniture at IKEA..remembering how fun it was to put all that stuff together.

I got my nightstand and desk together. But my dresser is still sitting in the middle of my room, half assembled.  

My stuff is still not put away because of this and I can barely walk around my room.

 

Every day I look at it and feel terrible.

Any advice? I hate my life being in such disarray, and it's enormously triggering.  I know if I had some adderall, I would get all this put together and I could set up my room in an ascetically pleasing way.  

[I finally need to tell my doctor]

Did you tell your doctor?  that was definitely hard for me but I'm glad I did it.  

[Relapse]

Sean, no one is disappointed in you.  At least, I'm not.  You spread so much positivity around here.  I don't really know what else to say, except not to look at this as a failure.  You came so far, and your journey is not over.  You're bigger than this.  It's just a bump in the road.  I just came on here a couple weeks ago and one of the only messages I got was from you, and that meant a lot to me.  You can do this. <3

[Long timer checking in.]

This is instills a lot of hope. How long did you use for? 

[8 months and 21 days clean off 17 years of adderall/dexedrine abuse...]

Thanks for the reply Sean.  I gained a lot of weight too, and it has made me lose a lot of confidence.  I only gained 25 pounds since quitting, but I was already overweight by about 15-20 pounds.  The thought of going on dating apps and stuff makes me anxious.  I have tried for a few minutes at a time. I used to play a lot of video games but I don't even have the motivation to do that anymore.  Basically all I do is sleep, youtube, reddit, TV, work, repeat.  My days off go by and I don't get anything done.  What kind of stuff helps you feel better?

[8 months and 21 days clean off 17 years of adderall/dexedrine abuse...]

I don't even know where to start with this.  I don't even know exactly what I want to say.  But I'm struggling, I guess.  And want to share.

I'm 36 now and was prescribed adderall at 19. I was a sophomore in college.  Ever since I was a little kid I was always told I probably had ADD, but I was never tested or treated for it.  I always scored really high on standardized tests, but just sailed by in high school with C's.  I was notorious for not doing homework, not studying.  That sort of thing.  My first semester in college I had a 3.88 average though, just by going to class, taking notes, and doing minimal studying.  Then, I started to be prescribed adderall. My life went so far downhill it was unbelievable.  Throughout my 20's, I dropped out of college, raked up 30k in debt, experimented with many drugs, moved back and forth from place to place, developed a gambling problem. Even when I first started taking it, I think I was prescribed 30mg xr's and I would take them before I went out, and drink a bunch and party.  I lost a lot of weight. But as I got older, my script was usually 30mg IR's 2x a day.  I would easily run out in 10-20 days.  By the time I turned 22, I decided to join the military. I got injured and medically discharged but it was my longest time off adderall.  (about a year).

 

When I turned 30, I had gotten back into school, and by a lot of accounts doing well.  I got into a relationship though w/ a really bad addict, who introduced me to meth.  Luckily, I only used for about a year, and never have went back to it or thought about it again.  After finally ending that relationship, I was out of money, failed out of college, was spent in every way possible.   I moved back in with my parents across country, and was still using dexderine. I was prescribed 30 mg 2x a day, but it was in 10 mg pills.  So I would get 180 10 mg pills a month, and would easily take 12-15 a day, especially when my script first started.  My life had gotten so bad.  I managed to hold onto a job that I still have now (going on two and a half years) in retail, but my relationship with my mother had gotten so toxic, and i was never sleeping. I would go to work after not sleeping, and I really didn't have any friends.  

 

In Feb of this year I met a woman who told me about how she was addicted to adderall.   I had just gotten my script filled and met her randomly after I had left my lights on in my car (a common occurrence) and she had given me a jump start.  She could tell I was on stims, and told me her story.  After being up for 4 days straight (day one being the day I met her and had gotten my script filled)... I told my bosses at work I had a problem.  I then drove to the VA (where I get my prescriptions and healthcare) and told my psych prescriber.  I went to rehab about a week later.  I've been sober since Feb 22.

 

I wish I could say it's all roses..but it's not.  I am aware that I have accomplished SO much this year.  (And while I am aware of it it doesn't mean I'm feeling as happy for myself as I should be.) I moved out of my parents house.  (my roommate is the woman who inspired me to quit!)  I'm enrolled back in college, I was employee of the month at work last month, I quit smoking.  I still drink but it's not problematic or daily.  Although I am being very mindful of that.  I sleep every night, and just recently about a month ago even got off my wellbutrin.  (Was taking 450 mg a day).  I'm in therapy, I'm doing a lot of good things for myself.  I have saved up about $5,000. (considering I had nothing in February, and I make very little money, and have had problems with shopping and gambling, this is pretty amazing... )

But I feel so empty...and alone.  I haven't been on a date in over a year.  I am not even motivated TO date, but I want someone.  I moved into my new place a month and a half ago and still haven't unpacked my stuff.  I have furniture that isn't even finished being put together.  I don't exercise. I don't have any motivation to go out and be social.  The anhedonia is still really terrible.  I am not sure what I'm writing all this for but maybe someone can offer some guidance, or friendship.  Or hope.  Thank you so much for reading this.  Love you all.