Prila

I’ve been reading everyone’s stories and I am so grateful for finding this site because it’s helped me feel less alone. I have been taking adderall on and off for about 2 years. 7 months ago I quit for 2 months because my boyfriend noticed that it was really screwing with my depression and causing extreme bipolar episodes. I started taking it again because I wanted to control my weight and it made me less bored and more productive at work. I have a really low dose prescription- 10mg 2x/day, but I was probably taking about 30-40mg/day and running out of it before it was time to refill. I never told my boyfriend that I started taking it again, but have had episodes of psychosis, mania, paranoia and such extreme lows that I don’t even know how to make myself feel better anymore. I have completely isolated myself and lost interest in everything that I used to enjoy. The idea of going out and being in social situations is so terrifying that I spend most of my days in voluntary solitary confinement, completely uninterested in other people and connecting with anyone. My only saving grace is my boyfriend who I live with that loves me through my crazy, but I know that I can’t tell him that I started taking adderall again. About two days ago I just had enough and flushed the rest of my prescription- I had done this about a month ago as well, flushing around two weeks worth of pills down the toilet. I was feeling suicidal both times and like I didn’t even know who I was anymore. This time it feels like it has to be the end of this shit, but I feel so alone because no one knows that I take it and I have iced out pretty much everyone in my life. I am so ashamed that I let this happen to me and the amount of self hatred I feel is overwhelming.