idkanymore

im in pensacola. I know this post is 7 years old, but if there's a chance someone will see this, im here for y'all

the crazy thing is I love who I am off of it. I actually went to my first therapy appointment today and told my therapist how badly addicted I am to it. it felt good to say it out loud to someone who can help me and won't judge. I've been on it for 10 years and it feels like I don't know who I am without it. I think I still take it because I can't clean, work, or function without it. or when I am off of it for a long period of time, Im extremely hyper and can't control my emotions and I feel so annoying. I feel like a failure for how many times I've attempted to quit, and actually whole heartedly tried, but always come back to it. Its like I live two different lives. the one thing that has kept me semi sane is this forum. thank you for replying to me and encouraging me, even tho im just a stranger

I say “relapsed” because I’m not even sure I can call it that anymore. My life consists of periods of being on adderall or off of it. I always say I’m gonna quit, because I really do want to, but then I give up and find a way to get my prescription filled again. The only people who really know I have an addiction to it are my boyfriend and mom, and I can’t tell them I messed up again. I feel like such a failure. I feel like the last two years of my life have been a blur because of my adderall abuse. I’ve been prescribed it for 10 years but heavily abused it for the last 4. I don’t understand why I can’t stop on my own. I’m so exhausted from it, I wish I could stay sober. I feel like a terrible person when I’m on it because I have to hide it from everyone. Idk why I’m even posting this but I needed to vent. I have a counseling appointment on the 5th so I hope I can tell him about it.

I can’t do it anymore. My addiction is so out of control, and I’m tired of it. I’m tired of taking it, I hate everything about it, but for some reason I’ve never been able to quit on my own. This last prescription I got filled i have been abusing worse than ever before and I just gave up, I gave up trying to convince myself I needed this shit. I am so tired, in a way that I can’t explain. This addiction has just drained my soul. i realized this while I was sobbing on the couch because I realized this pill has made me into a monster of a mother and girlfriend. How sick is it that my brain thinks it needs adderall to clean or work rather than play with my daughter who needs me. I can’t do it anymore. I can’t. So I gave up. I literally felt something pulling me up from the couch, to flush my pills. And I’m so happy I did. I’ve quit many times before but not on my own free will. I just can’t keep hiding this secret part of myself. I’m done with it. tomorrow morning I know I’ll feel like shit, I know I’ll regret it (the addict in me will be so fucking pissed lol) but also I know I did the right thing. I have to fucking do this for real this time. Sorry for the rambling, I’ve been abusing heavily for the last week and have barely slept so I’m out of it.

Thank you for reading and replying to my post. I really feel like a failure, and I’m so ashamed of myself. It’s hard for me to get past the feeling of guilt after relapsing. I don’t understand why I fucked everything up. I just wish my brain wasn’t like this. I hope that you are ok, and know you aren’t alone either. Reach out if you need a friend any time

I can’t do this anymore. I relapsed and feel so disgusting, ashamed, awful, idk how to explain it. I can’t tell my boyfriend, he tells me I can tell him if I slip up but he always threatens to kick me and my daughter out. I am so sad, I am so alone and I can’t do it much longer. How am I supposed to do normal every day stuff? I feel like a freak. Normal people can do simple tasks without a pill but I can’t, and I’m trying so hard to be able to stay sober but I can’t. Fucking. Do it. I hate who I am on this drug. I love who I am sober, why can’t I just stay sober? I’ve been sober on and off for years but I always come back to it. I was doing so good last year. I just need a friend dude. I’m so tired of being strong for everyone around me, but none of them have any clue how hard it is for me to be strong enough to stay away from this shit. i know I’m rambling, it’s late and I’m emotional but I just thought writing my feelings would help. I just want to feel normal again. I just want to be the mom I know I am. Idk.. if you read all of this thank you. I know it sounds like a cry for attention but I’m just desperate for help.

@eric I’m doing ok! Today is kind of hard, I really want one today because I am so tired and have no motivation. Not having access to them is a blessing in disguise. Sleep is my best friend today. But that’s okay because at least I’m not strung out. I love being able to laugh again, and being able to eat. Those are the things that keep me sober. I’m glad you’re doing great ❤️

Dude I totally know what your saying about the relationship thing @eric I feel the same way. You’ve got this! We can do it together.

Thank you so much @DrewK15 I think what helps is knowing how hard it’d be to start over. I’ve been drinking tons of water and that helps me. I have used caffeine pills a few days to help me from falling asleep driving with my daughter in the car. Making a routine has helped too. In my mind I keep telling myself I have no choice , like I can’t go back to what I was doing or I will die and leave my kid without a mom. You noticing how good I’m doing helps me so much and means so much to me! Thank you so much. How are you doing on your journey?

I’m still feeling great. Two weeks in and I know I can do this. I feel like such a better mom... I feel like I connect more with my daughter and that’s the only thing keeping me from getting back on. I’m nervous to tell my doctor. I guess that’s the addict in me talking. Ive noticed I’ve slept sooooo much better since getting off, I don’t have to take Benadryl or sleeping pills to sleep. I take melatonin gummies but I only take two per night, sometimes I don’t even need them. Has anyone else noticed weird mouth problems since quitting??? I have like permanent scars (maybe geographical tongue) on my tongue from pressing my tongue to my teeth constantly when I was tweaking. Also my back doesn’t hurt as bad and my joints aren’t nearly as stiff. sorry this post is all over the place, as you can imagine I’m extremely scatter brained lol. Any advice for fining the first month of sobriety? I’m trying to stay positive!

YOU CAN DO THIS! I understand feeling like you need it to be a good worker. That is false, that is our addiction talking. You are a productive, hard worker without taking adderall. You can do this!

Day 9. I’ve made it 9 days without taking a little orange pill that ruined my fucking life. I can’t believe I was a slave to a bottle of pills for 8 years. I’m surprised I didn’t go into cardiac arrest towards the end of my use. I was using 180-200 mg or MORE each day, which is insane considering I’m a 5’6” female who weighs 170 pounds. Some things I’ve noticed since being sober, I’ve felt all of my emotions more deeply. I feel like I can love my daughter without worrying about taking a pill to be more productive to clean the house to make me a better mom. (That’s literally how I used to justify my usage) I cook for my family and I enjoy eating the meal I cooked, I can eat without choking because of the dry mouth, I can taste food, I get excited about eating for once. I feel so much more loving towards my boyfriend, someone who deserves all of the love and support in the world for dealing with my crazy self throughout my addiction. I’m recognizing not all days are good days but I’m damn proud of myself for making it this long. (I have taken temp breaks for tolerance in the past but it would only be to lower my tolerance and the whole time I’d be waiting on my refill or waiting to meet up with my dealer. This is the first time I’ve ACTIVELY wanted to be CLEAN.) If anyone is reading this and wanting to quit but not feeling like you can, you can. The first week is hard, but we are stronger than this addiction, we are stronger than a bottle of pills. Break the cycle. Life is much sweeter without worrying about when you will get your next fix... I promise. ❤️

@eric thanks so much. I was on adderall for 8 years. Abused it for the last 5.

Hey thanks so much for reaching out, I don’t have anyone in real life who has been addicted to this drug so this website helps me so much. @sleepystupid I’m on day 7 and I’m feeling so much better. I had to take off one day of work but that’s all so far. My child goes to her dads every other week since we split custody so this week will be used to rest as much as I can. I’m feeling like I’m getting some of my energy back. I’ve been trying to make an appointment with my doctor to talk to him about possibly getting on Wellbutrin, I’ve heard a lot about it on this site and my mom is on it as well. I’m on celexa and I take it at night so I’m not sure if that’s why my mood has been somewhat stable. I’m really proud of myself for making it one week without obsessing over when am I gonna take my next pill or how many do I have left. It’s a good feeling

Thank you so much for replying to me. @DrewK15 it means so much. I told him about the website and he’s glad it helps me but he doesn’t understand the withdrawal process. I was taking 180-200 mg a day and I stopped cold turkey. My system is in shock and my world is turned upside down it feels like.