NurseAddy

@DelaneyJuliette Regardless of my outcome, I’m truly happy you’ve found sobriety and relief. Thank you for elaborating! Definitely is interesting to say the least, and I may have to research a bit before I jump on that wagon. Glad you found something that works for you though. Thank you again! Congratulations!

@DelaneyJuliette very happy for you that you’re on a better path! Is Ayahuasca like Kratom? Do you feel like you’re swapping one addiction for another, albeit maybe healthier? How often do you use it?

@DelaneyJuliette Glad to hear from you. Could you elaborate further on this Ayahuasca? How is your sobriety going? How are you?

@quit-once Thank you for your advice. I appreciate the honest outlook.

@ALA Apologies, I just now saw this. I wish I had better news for you but unfortunately, I just posted about my shortcomings. I hope the opposite for you. Best wishes.

**Trigger Warning -Drug use in pregnancy** Hello, again. I write to you high as a kite. Just took 4 hours to finish off my face, when I thought it was only 4 minutes. My fingers feel like they have tetanus, almost locked into place from squeezing and popping so much. My face burns. My scalp is bleeding. I periodically put eyedrops in my eyes so that they didn't feel like sandpaper as I went to town with the scarification. My dry mouth has brought back my favorite side effect, bleeding gums and a tongue with sores everywhere. Same ole rinse and repeat shit. We've all been there. Finally looking up after you've carved away and you have to tell yourself to get back. Eyes all tweaky AF from however many hours you've not slept. How did I get back here? I'd like to say long time no see, but I've been lurking around here again for a bit. Ashamed. Embarrassed. Hoping, like many of you that I could write back with a '2 years sober, if I can do it, you can too!' type of post. But alas, far from the case. I wanted to post earlier, as there have been many opportunities where there has been a fork in the road, but the addict in me told me to wait. Wait for that high we all seek so much. A bleak 2-4hrs of bliss in exchange for an entire bottle of regret and stupidity. A dark hole of 'told you so' but 'I already knew, my addiction just didn't give a shit.' A place to numb and void all emotion. I hate that I seek refuge in a bottle that destroys my entire life. My pride is swallowed as I'm needing help understanding this dark place, once again. A lot has changed since I last wrote. We sold our affordable home, picked up and moved states, and again to Kansas City. Started two new jobs and now a third (travel nurse turned permanent). We got married. We had a baby. Bought another overpriced home. It's almost as if I have zero reason to be searching for 'happiness' in a pill. My life is great. Too great. Much like the times before, I have no reason to seek artificial happiness except for that I'm an addict. I did ok until we moved. My little addict mind jumped into overdrive and the whispers of what could be started. I needed to find a new PCP, what better opportunity than to try out Adderall again. Previously, I had told my old PCP I no longer wanted to be on it (highly recommend for sobriety). Addict me told myself to try it again. That realistically, I MIGHT have a couple binges but overall, I'll control it better. Ha.....like we all haven't heard that ole song and dance a bajillion times. Still, all intelligence, education and rationalism saw itself wayyyyyyy out the door. A thus the cycle started again. I did do ok for a few months. I did have a couple small binges, but overall, not what I once was....Addict me was so proud. Rational me knew better, as we all do, it's only a matter of time before the snowball starts to roll and you're a shell of the human you once were. However; a hiccup in the road presented itself. I became pregnant. As fucked up as it sounds (and it is fucked up) I debated on keeping the pregnancy SOLELY because of my addiction. But I know my husband would be devastated and when push comes to shove, I don't know if I could have aborted. That being said, moved forward with the pregnancy knowing I wouldn't have my script. Although I googled a million reddits on people who did stay on Adderall, I tried not to have access to a script because we all know where this weak ass would have went with it. And I couldn't do that to my pregnancy, for his sake. I used a handful of times in amounts that I feared might induce a miscarriage, but I guess the addict cared more about the high than I cared about my baby. I cared more about enjoying my bachelorette party and wedding than I did my own unborn child. I'm not so sure why I deserved this baby, as I've read many of you have struggled with conception. I'm sorry. Life can be so cruel in denying someone vying for a child only to give it to another that is so indifferent. I've never been more disappointed with myself than when I used when pregnant. But I'm glad I never probed for a script as I doubt I'd be a mother if that were the case. Gratefully, she was born healthy. Fast forward to an emergency c-section coupled with moving the very next day and you wind up with a very mentally tormented person. Of course, we did all of this to ourselves, but I feel this was the catalyst to the major abuse. I came home from my hospital stint to a house full of boxes. My husband worked day and night to get the nursery ready, but otherwise, we were new (first time) parents in a new house in a new city with a newborn. NO ONE warned us of the fresh hell that would arise from caring for a newborn flesh potato. Kudos to every parent. That truly was sleep deprivation torture and for once, the addict had nothing to say as it was pure survival mode. Short lived though. Booby milk dried up real quick with all the stress of making idiot decisions and as soon as my zombie brain realized I could get back on Adderall....that is what I did. Sneaky little fucker. It almost feels like I have a personality disorder with more than one 'voice' telling me getting high is the answer and the other rational voice waving all the red flags and rapid firing the hundreds of reasons why it's a bad idea. I still just can't wrap my head around why the fuck the rational voice is always having to battle this crazed lunatic of an addict when all it has in its corner is a bleak high. A high we all know is short lived and fleets and we just chase it and chase it until the bottle is no more and neither are we. Despite being a mother and a wife, the addict seems to be getting the upper hand. This last script I banged out 200mg in 24hrs and followed with 100mg the next day. I've had bouts of SVT while abusing Adderall and as soon as I can vagal out of it, I pop another one. It's like nothing else matters except these fucking pills and it's embarrassingly, fearfully, hopelessly, endlessly absurd. I hate being high around my daughter, as she's finally graduated out of the flesh potato stage and now recognizes me, smiles and gets excited when I'm around. I hate feeling zombified around her yet here I am, losing the battle once again. Today, I had a new pt appt with a new PCP as we moved to a different area in KC. I almost figured I'd flunk with the vital signs as my lazy addict ass couldn't stop popping pills until 6hrs before the appointment. Tried my best with the good ole magnesium, Vitamin C, food and cranberry juice combo and somehow my vitals were decent. My new PCP steps in and goes over my H&P, tell her I've been on Adderall 8 years, blah blah blah, act normal, blah blah blah. She proceeds to tell me she requires new pts to have a psych eval with an official diagnosis prior to refilling any meds and I shit you not, I felt like I lost color and addict me went 'WHAT THE FUCK!?' 'NOOOOO!' Literal internal panic ensued as I start my new job at the end of this month and addict me knows I'll be working by then. Rational me knows I won't want to ask off being the new kid on the block. I'm pretty sure I lost my composure for a second as my addict brain kicked into overdrive scheming ways to get the tic tacs. I remember her asking me my thoughts and I could hardly put an intelligible answer out as my brain was focused on getting my addiction fix. That's when rational me finally spoke up and thought maybe this is for the best. I'm tired. I don't want to have to go out of my way, miss work, and have talk to a shrink to get pills that ruin everything. I don't want to have easy access to this stupidity in a bottle. But addict me knows if anything, I could get pills after telling the shrink what they want to hear, or just go back to my old PCP, or use a family friend that just prescribes stimulants and weight loss drugs via zoom. We all know the addict will find the drugs, I know that. I'm just hoping, pleading that the rational me can win the war. Somehow.... So that is my new fork in the road. Such a small twist that could be fixed easily but large enough that it isn't a simple refill for the addict. Addict me is still scrambling on finding a quick fix to the crazily gut wrenching news that was delivered. Thinking of who to call first and when the soonest I could get in. My husband's family lives in KC and they all have tic tacs. It's a no brainer that I could get more, I just didn't expect such an internal panic over something to minor. Rational me thought it was completely eye opening. How feeling like that is the problem. Adderall is the problem. Tired of being tired. Tired of pharmacy chasing. Tired of the replacing my life with pills. Replacing my husband and daughter for absolutely nothing. Exchanging actual happiness for artificial happiness. Slowly losing my life in more ways than one all because I can't turn off the addiction. It's terrifying, really. The addict never sleeps. And lately, the addict is trumping everything I'm tired of doing. I suppose I'll wrap up this novel. Thanks for reading. I think typing my thoughts out is sort of cathartic but if anyone wants to go full on Waterboy and leave me a 'YOUUUU CAN DOOOO IT' I wouldn't turn it away. Anything. Just at a loss for the power the addict brain has over everything right in my life. Over me. Rational me will never be able to rest. I'm at a loss for finding my way out of this mess again. It's just so horrifying how easy it can happen. I'm worried about how much louder my addict brain is over my rational one now. I truly am worried about how to tackle addict me for the rest of my life. Or accept the thought of losing my addiction crutch. To tackle life without a scapegoat pill and security blanket, even if it is a dark hole it’s at least somewhere I can go. Like leaving a toxic relationship, easier said than done as I'm sure you all have felt at some point as well. I wish you all well and the best of luck, it feels like family here every time I visit. Such a great community with great people battling the same demon. A demon we can't always fight alone. So glad to have found you all. Thanks again for reading. NurseAddy

@DelaneyJuliette I can relate to all the above questions I too ask myself. Unfortunately, addicts don’t do normal. Our brains aren’t normal and that’s something we simply have to accept some day. It’s hard to let go of that instant gratification, but we all know too well it’s always too good to be true. Nothing easy in life is worth it. Adderall isn’t worth it. We’re human and we make relapse mistakes. Just promise yourself you’ll keep trying to find a way out of the cycle. Keep trying to quit. Keep trying to find happiness. Keep trying to find you. You’ve got this.

@DelaneyJuliette Thank you, but hardly. Just supporting good people battling bad habits.

@Psychedelic Medic I can relate being an ER RN. Sadly, I think stepping away from the bedside in a stressful job might be the long term answer for me and my sobriety. Perhaps it’s something for you to consider given the amount of heaviness it places on our psyche. Good luck to you regardless!

@PD5 roughly the 6 month mark. Still deal with some anhedonia and apathy but for the most part, enjoying being alive returned rather quickly for me.

@PD5 I too had no desire to take the devil pills at the beginning, but I’ve learned I have to protect myself from me because those pills were an escape for me, even if it meant killing myself in the process. I hope the cravings never find you again, but I would still prepare for the worst while hoping for the best. Addiction can be sneaky at best and it only took a coworker to mention the word ‘Adderall’ to get my cogs turning again. That being said, most of the things I dreaded never returning (ie happiness/feelings/emotions) did return. But, I have some lingering speech problems I fear are here to stay. I used to be so eloquent when I spoke, and now I’m often tongue tied which has been an adjustment. Still, to feel ANYTHING again without the pill, has been relieving. So, look forward to when most, if not all of you returns back to normal. Look forward to learning you again! Best wishes.

One thing I would recommend that I did not do while regaining my sobriety, is to find either an addiction counselor or join an AA/NA group therapy. I felt dead inside for a good year and I still struggle with many things. Some days I wonder if I’ll be 100% again, but I know sure as shit on Adderall that I’d be ruining even more of me. What I didn’t know when I left Adderall, is that sobriety and healing are two separate issues that deserve help. I was sober, but I had no idea I needed to heal and learn how to continue my sobriety. I was recently educated that an addict’s choice center of the brain is broken and that is what fuels the desire to continually take more of something that knowingly could kill you. Learning that was so relieving, because I honestly thought my dumbass just chose pills over life. But because I have a broken choice center, if I’m not prepared, give me enough time and I will 1000% only remember the good in Adderall and seek out more thinking it will be different, as always…. My therapist’s words, “you have to protect yourself from you.” The last couple of months I have begun to slip, and that was because I didn’t learn how to prepare for long term sobriety. It is predictable that there will be cravings, triggers and times where relapse seems like the best idea. I’m just now learning that I have to heal both physically (sobriety) and mentally (education/understanding/preparing). You’re doing fantastic by simply reaching out to this forum. It was truly a godsend for me and still is. If you have the means, do yourself a favor and find someone or a group that is able to support and help you understand the why and prepare you for the when. We deserve long term sobriety and an understanding that we didn’t choose to be an addict.

@sirod9 I’m over a year sober, with a couple short relapses here and there. I’m still searching for my libido, but I will say small things like arousal and desire are becoming more frequent. We’re all different, but my libido has definitely taken the hardest hit with my abuse. I did have my PCP draw labs and was diagnosed with subclinical hypothyroidism, which I’ve never had a problem with before. Apparently no meds are needed for that, but I may ask if my recheck is the same. Best of luck!

My fiancé is one of the main pushes that finally made me want to quit. Sadly, while I was on Adderall, I knew I loved him, but I wanted nothing to do with him or anyone else for that matter. In the earlier stages when I wasn’t blowing through 150mg daily, it actually enhanced our sex life. Then as we all do, I upped and upped and upped the dose until I didn’t have an ounce of feeling and didn’t give two shits about it. My libido went with it and I’m still searching and hoping it returns. It’s hard to explain but that little pill turns a person into the most selfish being as all we want is to ride the high. Scarier is we don’t care while we’re on it, thanks to that pill. I even chose to stay in bed while my fiancé took my 15 year old dog (whom was honestly my entire life) to the vet for renal failure problems. It sickens me to this day and never would I have let that happen had I not been on Adderall. It blows my mind how Adderall is the only thing I wanted in my life while I was on it. I still want it, but thankfully I finally realized I didn’t want my life to be a pill. I hope she wakes up and decides to choose you and the kids over it. Once Adderall is abused, you can’t have both. Best of luck to you.

@DelaneyJuliette Did you get back on the wagon? If not, saddle up!