Hello everyone. I am a long-time lurker (probably over a year) of this board but this is my very first post here. I won’t take up too much time with my full addiction story because the unfortunate truth is it’s not special or different than the dozens of stories I’ve read about on this website. I’m writing this to see if there is anyone else in recovery who can relate to post addiction depression, and what words of wisdom you might have.
The short hand is I first started taking Adderall in 2014 and at the start of 2019 fully woke up to the fact that I was abusing it on and off for the last 5 years. After several difficult attempts at quitting I am now 3 months totally clean for the first time in those 5 years.
I am fortunate that I was never an everyday user but I know the damage has still been done. I now find myself slipping into a deep depression that I’ve never really experienced before. When I say depression, my symptoms seem to be manifesting most as: little to no enjoyment in things I used to love my whole life, very easily agitated, low motivation, pushing loved ones away, resentment, and a growing cynical mindset about life that I can’t seem to shake.
It’s truly hard for me to tell what is the result of withdrawal and what is the result of any dissatisfactions I’m having with my situation in life (career, where I’m living, relationships, etc). I suspect those two things are highly related, which makes navigating what real changes I may need to make that much more difficult.
I am currently in therapy and am beginning to overhaul all parts of my life that I can to make them as healthy as possible. For example, though I never had issues with it I quit drinking alcohol two months ago as well. The therapy and getting good exercise seem to help the most so far, but my deeper apathy and cynicism seem to be persisting no matter what I do and that scares me.
Just getting this out there and relating to some people who have gone through recovery would be a big help right now. No one in my life ever knew about my usage or recovery. I feel like my life is passing me by and I would do anything to feel some semblance of optimism again. Any words or thoughts are appreciated at this time. I would also be happy to answer questions about my situation if it would help with more specific advice.