[Recovering in secret & falling into a deep depression. Asking for help.]

22 hours ago, Doge said:

This is true on so many levels.  I'd be lying if I said I had the answer.  I'm super glad you posted (I just logged in out of the blue after a long hiatus from the forums and your post is the first one I saw).

3 months is AWESOME by the way!  I found the 60 day point was when I found myself in a relapse cycle, so punching through that barrier was a huge thing for me.

The recovery depression is definitely real for me too.  Once you get cleaned and start seeing the bigger picture that is your life, it's easy to beat yourself up for the past.

Something that I heard recently is a quote:  "Guilt is lazy energy." and I've been reflecting on it a lot lately.  It's good to reflect on mistakes and learn from them, but if you over do it and beat yourself up you are just focusing on the past rather than working towards seizing the future that is available to you.

All I do know for sure is, no matter what your story is, it does get better the longer you stay clean.  Your brain re-calibrates itself slowly over time.
 

This I can definitely confirm!  Post lots, and remember to celebrate the small victories.  Even the shittiest day you could ever possibly have is a victory if it puts you another day further away from "adderall hell".

Really appreciate you taking the time to login and post! All of this was very encouraging for me right now (which is why I quoted the whole thing haha). As long as things can get better over time, it's enough for me to get up each day and work towards that betterment. 

I think you are very right in that a part of this depressive mindset is just having to take an inventory of my life and the bigger picture without the dulling effect of drugs, which is another reason i'm choosing to abstain from alcohol right now as well. There is alot I'm not too happy with about myself at the moment. But, I'm tired of escaping. And if it takes me re-learning how to cope with things without that escape than that is what i'll have to do to stay clean. Wish you the best in your continued recovery and journey in life my friend. 

 

22 hours ago, m34 said:

Congrats on 3 months. I know it’s a big step to reach out on these sites.  Especially,  if you’ve kept your recovery secret in your own life.

I felt this way 3-4 months, then it lifted. Try to research PAWs. 

what you are going through is awful, but it is perfectly normal in recovery. 

I know when you are in the thick of it, it feels like the fog will never lift. That’s exactly how I felt at least. Just hang on because there will be good days.

PAWS comes and goes still. I’m in my 8th month finally.  As you go on the “episodes” get shorter. For me the apathy/ anhedonia  is the hardest. I’d rather have anxiety or anger honestly. Feeling nothing for what I use to love doing was just an impossible stage. However, it passed. It will pass for you also 

I said this exact same thing to someone the other day! "Feeling sad or angry would be better than not being able to feel things at all". It's funny, i've read about PAWS over and over and I think I have the tendency to think my case is somehow unique or atypical. I suppose my symptoms fit it pretty well reading them again just now. 

Congrats to you on 8 months! I hope things continue to keep getting better for you. 

[Recovering in secret & falling into a deep depression. Asking for help.]

Hello everyone. I am a long-time lurker (probably over a year) of this board but this is my very first post here. I won’t take up too much time with my full addiction story because the unfortunate truth is it’s not special or different than the dozens of stories I’ve read about on this website. I’m writing this to see if there is anyone else in recovery who can relate to post addiction depression, and what words of wisdom you might have.

The short hand is I first started taking Adderall in 2014 and at the start of 2019 fully woke up to the fact that I was abusing it on and off for the last 5 years. After several difficult attempts at quitting I am now 3 months totally clean for the first time in those 5 years.

I am fortunate that I was never an everyday user but I know the damage has still been done. I now find myself slipping into a deep depression that I’ve never really experienced before. When I say depression, my symptoms seem to be manifesting most as: little to no enjoyment in things I used to love my whole life, very easily agitated, low motivation, pushing loved ones away, resentment, and a growing cynical mindset about life that I can’t seem to shake.

It’s truly hard for me to tell what is the result of withdrawal and what is the result of any dissatisfactions I’m having with my situation in life (career, where I’m living, relationships, etc). I suspect those two things are highly related, which makes navigating what real changes I may need to make that much more difficult.

I am currently in therapy and am beginning to overhaul all parts of my life that I can to make them as healthy as possible. For example, though I never had issues with it I quit drinking alcohol two months ago as well. The therapy and getting good exercise seem to help the most so far, but my deeper apathy and cynicism seem to be persisting no matter what I do and that scares me.

Just getting this out there and relating to some people who have gone through recovery would be a big help right now. No one in my life ever knew about my usage or recovery. I feel like my life is passing me by and I would do anything to feel some semblance of optimism again. Any words or thoughts are appreciated at this time. I would also be happy to answer questions about my situation if it would help with more specific advice.