Articulus

Unfortunately, I relapsed a week after my last post in August, and then owing to a personal tragedy, stayed in relapsed until December. From December to February I had two full months clean before relapsing again. Is there a lesson to be learned? Relapse can happen for the smallest, stupidest reason, but it doesn't make it any less of a relapse. I'm quitting today. For good.

Two months today.

Well, there were a couple more relapses, but today I celebrate One Month Sober.

Didn't get much done today, but I've got five days now. it's also my 400th day sober from alcohol, a habit far easier to kick.

Today was a strenuous and not-at-all-fun workday but I did the whole thing sober. What's hitting me harder than the melancholy and the anxiety is the self-hatred, but that's certainly not something that's going to get any better by continuing to tweak on pills every day. Three days done.

One day done.

I'm ending this today. Today is the right day to quit. It's been five years of abuse 1,694 pills in total. Seven attempts to quit. The six-month anniversary of being confronted about the problem. Forty days and forty nights before my 42nd birthday. The 78th anniversary of V-E Day. This is my V-A Day. What will make this eighth attempt the final attempt? I'm going to trust in a higher power than my own willpower. I'm going to post to this forum to keep myself accountable. I'm going to enjoy the sluggishness, the sleepiness, the melancholy, and even the anxiety. The feelings that mean that I am healing. I am in recovery. I am recovering the man that I am capable of being and that I was meant to be. I'm going to treat my mind-body as something worth taking care of, worth being nice to, and worth loving. Today is the day.

I'm on Day 3 of sobriety, after spending 2 years and 9 months addicted to 30mg a day. Not feeling too bad -- main symptoms are a mild feeling of melancholy and the urge to lie down for a half-hour nap a few times a day, usually with vivid dreams. So far, so good.