[Anyone ever heard of depersonalization??]

After much research I've concluded I have depersonalization disorder.  If you've been struggling to quit adderall and MOVE ON look it up.

[I will never get away]

Between my mom, my dad, my sister, my friends etc., I will never get away from adderall.  And no matter how hard I try sober I still feel different.  I'm always sped up, I'm always looking for the next buzz to find myself.  But nothing works.  I sweat profusely when I'm sober, I question myself, I let circumstances dictate my actions.  I can't find myself.  When I'm sober, I tell myself I need to take adderall and take it appropriately.  That is my only escape.  But each time I take it I feel more lost and want to take more.  I feel so fucked.  There is not hope.  When I'm on adderall I need to get off it and when I'm sober I need more adderall.  Wtf.  I can literally spend all day working out and eating healthy and feel unchanged.  Feel unable to talk to anybody or connect with my true self.  I always feel different.  I don't even know I feel so fucked up I can't even explain it. 

[What I've lost/exchanged...]

I'm on my second week or so clean from adderall.  I've been taking it easy and remembering that I will not take it ever again.  I'm ok with that and at peace, really.  It's hittin me though what I've been exchanging this whole time by using adderall.  I've been exchanging the beauty of conversation, socialization, love, listening, compassion, empathy etc.  I'm trying to find my way again and as I stay at my friends house it's really hard to feel normal.  I constantly check in with people around me in odd ways as if I'm projecting my abnormal habits on them.  Like they can see and feel my presence that is still ridden with a adderall first mentality. 

 

Like when I talk or engage in any conversation they are reading into my soul.  They know what I've done and I will continue to pay for sins using adderall.  I've read though that this is simply the devil.  I know it seems farfetched by I cannot give any other explanation.  It's like I'm still being tempted to find ANY way to fight love and normalcy.  I feel I have every capability right now to be loved and start living a fresh normal life, but I refuse.  I have this demon in my head that won't let me feel good about anything.  I don't know when this will break, but I continue to pray and read the bible.  I remind myself that this is my addiction/devil trying to keep me in this dark place.  I don't know when I'l feel normal again but it will happen.  I know my relationship with God and self must be rebuilt.

[Random interesting thought]

It's definitely possible for you to make it through the semester. I quit while at college and ended up withdrawing or failing 3 of my 4 classes but I got an A in macro because there was hardly any homework. Just going to class and taking notes was enough. I didn't have the mental capacity to go all out on all four classes so I ended up just focusing on one. I feel like I can do anything now that I've been sober for 11 months and I'm being honest with myself. Quitting was by far the hardest things I ever had to do and I feel like now that I've more or less overcome that challenge, nothing can stop me. Except for adderall. That surely would stop me.

Haha I bet, it stops us all.  I'm at the worst stage right now and I can't wait to be 11 months clean.  I keep thinking about how much time I've already wasted on this adderall its rediculous.  It really is a deceptive, evil drug.  It makes you think over and over again it's ok to take and will benefit you to succeed.  All lies! I realize each adderall we took is setting us back, not moving us foward.  I'd be better off a lazy bum, who never took adderall but just needed some motivation.  But instead I'm two steps behind that guy and it's hard to take.  It's hard to suck up your pride and realize your not above everyone else.  Your acutal self worth without adderall is next to nothing and now it's a matter of reinventing yourself.  It sucks now, but hey at least I'm not backtracking anymore

[Random interesting thought]

Breaking the association of adderall and homework is really hard, but you can do it. It's not gonna happen by January, but you have to know that if you decide to take it again in January not only  life will continue to get worse and worse, it will continue to become harder and harder to quit. If you stay sober for one full year, I can almost guarantee that you'll be able to get lots of homework done no problem. I can understand how difficult this is for you, especially considering you've been taking it since 8th grade. That means most of the homework you've ever done in your life was on adderall. Obviously you can't expect homework to be easy after a few months of being off adderall. You've been taking adderall for way too long.  Trust me man, you really gotta just man up and push through this. It's hell and it sucks but it is SO WORTH IT. There was a time when I couldn't imagine doing homework without adderall. And now I do homework every day without it. It's not as fun, but definitely doable. There are other people on this forums like Ashley and Liltex who are finishing up school over a year after quitting. And they're doing great. They were also in the same exact place as you in the early stages of recovery. With that said, your NUMBER ONE goal should be to never take a pill of adderall ever again. If that's not your number one goal, then other things like school will cause you to relapse. It's a pretty common story. Many adderallics relapse to get school/work done only to realize that they made a HUGE mistake. Set yourself up for success and either take next semester off, or drop a few classes. Stick with it bro.

 

Blesbro

I agree with what your saying 100%.  I wish I had more time to recover before going back to school where I'm most tempted to take this drug again.  Unfortuantely, I have already committed to returning and made plans that cannot be reversed.  But I do truly believe that anything is possible and will not give up no matter how hard this path is.  I do already plan on taking an easy schedule so I don't get ahead of myself.  That's another thing about adderall, is it gives you a false reality that you can do anything without being realistic and honest with yourself. 

[Random interesting thought]

Exactly. Adderall seriously fucked up my ability to have a genuine conversation with anyone or connect with anyone other than really close friends on any deep level. And even then I was pretty shallow. It helped to have one of my close friends tell me how I used to be so much better in so many ways before I started taking adderall. I used to be super witty and always had a comeback. Eventually when one of my friends would jokingly make fun of me, I just had nothing to say. I wasn't witty anymore. I just couldn't relax, chill, and have a fun time shooting the breeze with anyone. The only time I felt somewhat comfortable is when I was alone. It definitely made me lose just about all my social skills and I often avoided talking to people because I was afraid they would notice how off I was mentally. Not fun at all. Being able to socialize, in my opinion, is a mental thing. If you're mentally healthy, you can just be yourself and not have to worry what someone thinks about what you say. That's the case for me at least. I'm more mentally healthy after 11 months of addy than I have been in years and it's amazing. It's worth it when you get to a point where you can talk to someone without consciously thinking about anything. When I talk to people now, and write anything for that matter, I just talk I don't really think about what I'm going to say when I'm saying/typing it anymore. You'll get to a much better place in two years you'll be amazed. I'm still being amazed by how much better I get every single month. Stick with it it's worth it.

 

Blesbro

I experience those exact scenarios.  It's like adderall has killed my ability to be vunerable anymore.  I'm more focused on what other people think rather than what I think.  I think now it's a battle of remembering that this forever.  Theres times when I'm feeling great off adderall and then worry about the future and question whether I can always do this.  But that's the change I have to make. Is remembering that this is the reason why I'm quitting adderall.  Its the hope that you will be able to conquer all your dreams and expectations without adderall.  I have to go back to school on campus in January.  I hope this time I make it.  I need to overcome my fear of studying without adderall.  I think I need to figure out what is going to make me happy from studying and doing school.  Because that's where adderall kicked in.  It was motivator to study hard and become this great mathematician.  And now I don't know what is going to keep me happy.  I hope I find a new reason and meaning for life in general.

[Random interesting thought]

During my addiction, I definitely became socially weird and anxious. I was always in my head and couldn't keep a conversation for the life of me because I just was not all there. I was in an addy daze. It sucked ass. Those effects lingered for 9-10 months after I quit. I've been clean almost 11 months now and I have no anxiety or social awkwardness anymore. Pretty awesome. But at months 4-8, it was still there for sure. Definitely start working out ASAP. I'm all about health and working out. I lift 7 days a week, eat a really clean diet, and it has helped me in recovery in SO MANY WAYS. During adderall I still lifted but my workouts were shit and I just continued to lose lean mass because I couldn't eat enough. Once I quit, they went through the roof, I threw on 30lbs of muscle in 6 months, and now I dropped the excess fat gain that came with quitting. It has seriously helped my self-esteem, self-confidence, overall feeling of well-being, concentration, motivation, and energy levels.  Make sure to take steps to get your body healthy again because that will really help you out in a lot of other ways. Eating healthy, running, and lifting weights will make your life much easier down the road of recovery I promise. Also, check out the thread 30 day challenge. It's for people in their first 30 days of recovery and should help hold you accountable. Quitting with others that are in the same stage of recovery as you makes it much easier as you're working together with someone else to beat the addiction.

 

Blesbro

Thanks man during my 4 month sobriety you have no idea how much I lifted.  Like you just said 7 days a week I was there.  Sometime I went three times a day.  The only area I couldn't recover from was socializing.  I went to the gym and couldn't make any long lastin relationship with anyone.  But I guess I need to realize that it's going to take longer than 4 months.  I gained so much muscle also.  So many girls at school reached out to me, but I was the one that couldn't make the next step.  I knew I was there physically and healthy wise but socially I was still weak.  I hope things change this time, but here we go.  I'm on day two now but thanks for the advice.  I'm 23 hopefully by 25 or so I'm completely recoverd. I may look back at this and laugh. Thanks for the advice man

[Random interesting thought]

I agree. Since you quit for four months before, when you quit again you will at least know what to expect during those first months. It will be slightly easier. But yeah, I agree with it taking at least a year or two to start to feel normal again. You have to think of recovery in terms of years, not months. Especially since you used for so long. After 10 years of amphetamine use, did you think you would be recovered in four months? Not a chance. You just have to muddle through the first year and expect to feel shitty most of the time. Then things get easier as long as you stick with it. You know the Woody Allen quote, "80% of life is just showing up?" You will learn how true that is when you quit for good.

 

P.S. Quitting will only get harder as you get older. Quit now while you're young and have more resilience. You're young and you can put this Adderall nightmare behind you.

Alright I'm going to take all of your guys advice and just no matter what stick to quitting.  It helps to realize I'm not alone and this isn't all my fault.  I think after my 4 months of sobriety I forgot that I can't control the addiction.  I need to always remember that adderall won't cure anything.  And I absolutely agree that the older I get and keep this going it only get harder each time to quit.  I'm gonna keep up with site and my recovery.  I need to get better. Thanks for the help and advice

[Random interesting thought]

I can totally relate to that bro. That's why I continued to take adderall for a year after being well aware of my addiction. Because I was afraid of not being able to be successful, productive or motivated anymore. So I continued to use for another year and IN THAT YEAR that i continued to take it, my whole life crumbled before my eyes. My reputation eventually was ruined, many good friends were lost because I was so fucked up and I don't blame any of my friends who went a separate way because I totally understand now. I started failing all of my classes where as I had been a straight A student my whole life before adderall. The deeper you get into the addiction, the worse it gets. It sounds like you were at an earlier stage in the addiction than I was before I quit. That's amazing! There's no way I could have quit without doing serious damage to my life. I knew it too. I couldn't find the motivation to quit until my life was nearly ruined (temporarily, of course!). So my HIGHEST advice to you my man is stay quit. It really is for the better. Eventually, after up to a year or more off of adderall, you can attain high focus, motivation, and overall success in life without adderall. How long did you take adderall for and what dosages if you don't mind me asking?

 

Blesbro

I've been taking adderall for ten years now.  Since 8th grade and I'm 23 now.  I first declared adderall evil about a year ago when I continually kept binging on it and never sleeping.  The sad part is digging into the addiction like you said has made things worse.  It seems since the first time I firmly committed to quitting back in January, I lasted four months.  I broke because I had finals for school and feared I would fail them all.  After that in May, I went off and on the adderall getting some from friends.  It would normally but just enough for a few nights to binge and then I'd be sober for another month.  Now it's November and I've been doing this since then, but recently I got an entire prescription.  It's not mine it a family members.  But with this prescription and told myself I was going to make this work.  I told myself there was really something wrong with me if I couldn't at least have one freakin day without going over my dosage.  Obviously, that didn't happen and now I'm here once again facing the reality that I need to quit.  When I posted my question the other night I couldn't remember why I should quit? I kept coming up with all these reasons why it was bad, but the main one I forgot, was that your quitting becuase you can't control the addiction.  I needed someone to tell me that again because after my last relapse I got alll twisted up again.  I'm technically on my first day today, but I still have some 30mgs left.  Everytime I'm committed to how fucked up this adderall has made me, I say I NEED to stop right now.  But then when I try and do anything I feel just as depressed.  I know this is typical of quitting especially at first, but I worry about failing after 4 months like last time.  I made progress during that time, but still felt unhappy on the inside.  It's almost like everytime I quit and try and do things without adderall, knowing ok this is my life now, I still act as though everything is a product of adderall.  I never wake up with a clean slate or look and the mirror and identify myself as something other than an ex adderall user.  I'm not sure if it's self sabotage or what.  I spend more time wandering what other people are thinking and always feel like I'm wierd in certain ways.  Not enough that I can't go out and socialize somewhat, but there's always something on the inside that doesn't feel right.  I'm always anxious to get home because then I will be normal again. I will figure this out when I get home.  Anyway I think my problem is I don't know or remember how to please myself.  When I get off this again, I will work out, run and be healthier guaranteed.  That is easy for me and comes natural, but there are still many other areas I struggle with.  Btw I started first 4 years or so around 30mgs per day.  But around 19 or 20 it steadily increased until I never slept on them anymore.

[Random interesting thought]

Good for you blesbro.  My biggest fear from quitting adderall is not being successful, productive or motivated anymore. I agree that being productive is a great feeling.  Something about being productive, smart, hard working, in control, motivated, etc. (all feelings you strengthened on adderall) are very important to me.  I hope to regain those feelings back without adderall someday too.   

[Does it matter why?]

Everytime I try to quit adderall I get stuck thinking about my time on it.  Mainly, why is it everytime the last two years I take one adderall, it turns into a lot and an all nighter.  The amount of all nighters, even three consecutive all nighters, I have gone through is starting to scare me.  Scare me because I haven't stoppeed.  I wish if at least took it, I would have enough discipline to stop before bedtime.  But everytime nowadays, I take the max a person should ever take and stay up for a few nights straight. 

 

So with my history with adderall I am constantly wandering why did I do that?  Why does adderall affect me after just one pill.  My best guess is that I never want to "come down" and I've impulsively learned to just keep popping addies.  As long as I'm gonna get mad work done and have a super productive night it won't matter, because tomorrow I'l be normal again.  Anyway I have wandered if quitting adderall this way, on such a unsettled, uncontrollable note, will I be able to recover the same?  Will I always have less power since the adderall still controls me?  Obviously if I took adderall now, or anytime during my soberness, I would behave and react the same way.  Nothing changed regarding my behavior on it, just my ability to stay away from it.

[Does this happen to anyone else?]

So everytime I "quit" adderall the same story happens over and over.  I go on average 4 weeks clean and then convince myself it's ok to take again.  It's like I have one random day where I'm like YUP getting some tonight, getting mad stuff done and staying up late.  However, anymore I don't even do any actual work with it like I used too. Nowadays, when I get adderall I spend almost 95% of that time, thinking about how to quit again. I stay up all night writing/thinking about adderall, why it's bad, why I come back, how to get off, and a million of thoughts.  Ironically, I'm popping mad adderall as I passionately self reflect, believing I will find some deep root cause.  The cause for my failures over and over again to not just "quit" but "move on".  I believe it's very easy to say you quit if your just staying away from it (I've done this).  Whereas, move on is what we all want (at least me).  We all want to be free of something that has constantly effected your life.  Sometimes good but a lot of times bad.  

 

I do come up with some deeper realizations about how to quit when on adderall, but applying is totally different.  After my binge comes to an end, I've literally loaded my head with everything I need to do when I awake.  Unfortantely, I awake my normal self only worse after coming down all the adderall.  I now have to start over again "sober" and hope for the best.  I'm writing this now because I'm coming off of one of those binges.  I want to remember this so I stop pursuing temporary relief and false hopes of a changed life.  It's clear now to me how foolish this plan is.  I spent two nights looking for a revalation that was going to change my life forever.  I felt so great about my ideas they covered every problem/insecurity I had without adderall.  But now it's sleep time and the reality kicks in that I've been fueling this confidence with nothing but adderall.  It will mean much less to me and my ability to apply will have to be much less "crank" and more "heart".  It's like I drank a pint  of liquor before going to rehab ughhh. 

 

I do have one realization that will stick and no more flipflopping.  Earlier, I said I always change my stance about adderall and not sure how to apply to my own life.  My realization is that adderall only works for people in the right mind state, with good self control and dicipline, and is used wisely/moderately.  I can't say that adderall is all bad because I've experienced at it's best.  Not just the honeymoon stage but also when it was just an EXtension of myself.  I realize now that adderall, even when I take the correct dosage, has the ability to effect my personality, confidence, mood, identity, creativity, socialization etc.  For some people they absolutely can take it when needed and be fine.  For me am I coming to completely realize that it's crept it's way into my life at 14 and I'm 23 now.  It been an escape route and neccisity for anything serious when the going gets tough.  I've said numerous times that adderall is my problem blah blah blah, yet I always return.  Why? I believe partly because of misinterpreting the real reason why I want to quit adderall.  Saying it's all adderall is not true.  I've realized now that I just don't have the dicipline and self identity to safely/effectively use it without more problems.

 

I just do not want to once again convince myself that it's ok when school or something similar comes up.  I know tomorrow will suck that is for sure.  And it's almost impossible for me to guarantee any promise I make today for tomorrow.  Basically, what I do and say now does not resignate with me when I'm sober.  I couldn't make one promise to myself now and neccesarrily keep it tomorrow.  My moods, actions, feelings are that different nowadays, why I do not know.  I do know that whether on or off the adderall I have the loosest sense of identity I could have never imagined.  I think it's a result of when I first openly statted "Im quitting adderall" and did for four months.  I now either for guilty for taking it, or naked and no identity/confidence without it.  I have clearly hit one of the lowest points ever in my life.  But I am optimistic, because I'm now an experienced adderall quitter.  I believe sinking quick is better than delaying the inevitable, and I've already delayed it alot.

 

Sorry, I started off with just one thought but it transpired into much more.  I did say I was on adderall right?  But seriously for myself and writing this, I hope I at least realize adderall isn't an option.  I hope I found the courage to do what it takes to change the way I feel about school.  Because without adderall after using for ten years it's a challenge to adjust my way of thinking.  And lastly, I'm going to Really Really try.  I think stopping adderall is the easy part.  The hard part I haven't really actually tried yet is finding new needs to meet my old ones.  I've only found new problems to meet my old ones.  I excuse myself from high expectations because I'm a "adderall victim".  If that was tradeoff for quitting adderall sign me back up.  But no really, I NEED to make myself face uncertainties and find a way to replace crack, I mean adderall.  

 

p.s I wrote this all on my wall so I wont forget tomorrow

[My story]

Welcome to the forum, DDW. You'll do just fine. Sounds like you have a serious game plan here and lots of determination to beat it. 

 

So did you quit already?  I don't think you mentioned that part. If not, when is the big day?

I took my last vyvane (adderall substitute) about three days ago.  I have not gotten my own prescription since February 2013 and have been relying on friends and family since May 2013 when I relapsed.  So I am not one of those people who are on their first rodeo attempting to quit after consistent prescriptions and access to adderall.  Since May I have been switching on and off taking amphetamines of any kind.  Generally I get some adderall/vyvane, take it all within a few days, and then come down off my high with plans of never taking it again.  I last about two/three weeks and then have that random day where I need to get something done (college application, college courses, etc.) and convince myself I NEED to get some medicine.  Then it starts all over with me studying/working in my room for days straight and ending with the realization I need to never take it again.  It's a vicious loop, but I experienced with lasting a few weeks or even months without it.  I have failed long term though and may need to be more active with this site for at least a year or so.

[My story]

3:00 am and I woke up with this strange burning desire to add a few more thoughts to this post.

So here we go!

Ahem.

Dear Donny,

I don't think one has to think extremely positive and confident to stop taking adderall. There is a lot of info on this site and suggestions. Do NOT get overwhelmed. It's really very simple. Just stop taking adderall. That's all that you need to do to quit. Remember that.

The other thing I wanted to mention is in response to #6 on your list. I felt pretty offended for all of those people you are attacking with this comment. Typically, in my humble 20 years of experience of working with recovering addicts, happy optimistic people do not start abusing alcohol and/or drugs. Most addicts are self medicating some type of underlying issue ranging from anything such as depression, anxiety, bipolar, ocd, on and on, etc. When you quit your drug of choice you get all your original issuesback, plus you lose your coping mechanism. Finding happiness in recovery is NOT a simple process. You don't just wake up and say, "hey everybody, look at me! I quit and now I'm all better and life is fking great!" It takes some serious work and until you have 2 years clean yourself, please do not go around attacking others who are working their ass off to stay clean and get their lives on track. They deserve respect. It doesn't matter what the substance is in my opinion. Adderall was my heroine. I never in a million years thought I'd be able or willing to give it up, but I did and I am grateful that I haven't relapsed. I cherish my recovery more than anything in life because I know how hard it's been at times and a struggle. But it is one worth fighting for and for anyone else that is able to overcome their demons in life, my hat is off to them!

So please, all I ask fromyou going forward is that you respect the people here and we will respect you. This is a great network and support group. People you can count on to lift your spirits any time of day or night who have been in your shoes. You CAN this if you want it bad enough. We will help you in any way we can. Just keep pushing forward and keep it simple. Stop taking the pills and be lazy as you want for awhile. Take it easy and get better!

Hugs!

Hey I appreciate your input and thoughts.  I knew that with #6 I could cause a few flags with some people.  I did not mean anything by it or to take it personal, it is just my opinion.  It could also be because as I am predicting my own recovery, I want to be past everything related to adderall in two years.  I have been on since 8th grade (ten years) so maybe that's wishful thinking.  But I also understand what you are saying about the "underlying issues" and that may be some of my own reasons for relapsing last time.  Maybe I need to realize there is more than just the simple temptation of taking adderall.  Maybe there is some kind of underlying effect in my own life I have not realized and still need to cope with and control.  I have not been sober for 2 years yet either but I absolutely respect anyone who has done that, because I have only lasted 4 and 6 months myself.

 

I thank you and everyone for the support I hope we all overcome these demons as well.

[My story]

Welcome to the forums. I can tell you have the desire to quit and you realize how Adderall has negatively affected you. Can I share with you a few things that helped me break the psychological addiction and gain confidence (not right away but in time)?

 

1) Write a list of everything negative about Adderall (i.e. took away my confidence, made me antisocial, etc) and always have it on hand to read. This was a suggestion from InRecovery on these forums. Keep adding to the list whenever you think of something new. After a year I was still adding to the list. The reason? The further away you get from Adderall, the more you will only remember the good, honeymoon phase. You have to constantly remind yourself of the bad so you don't romanticize it.

 

2) Write a list of the 10 best times in your life. Describe what you were doing, who you were with and how you felt, in vivid detail. Look over the list and really remember these experiences. I got this exercise from a book and it's one of the only self help type things that has really helped me. When I made the list, I realized that none of these experiences involved Adderall or drugs of any kind. They all involved being with people I really cared about and new experiences, like traveling to foreign countries. It's impossible to avoid thinking about the past - we're adults, not babies. So, we need to build a library of positive memories as a go-to.

 

3) Realize that it will take time for your brain chemistry to repair, and much of that is beyond your control. It's like the serenity prayer - accept the things you cannot change, courage to change the things you can, and wisdom to know the difference.

 

4) Accept that some things in life are boring, like work and studying for tests. You may never be able to make studying boring topics "inspiring and captivating" without the use of a drug. Living without Adderall means relearning to get through these things despite them being boring, instead of trying (frustratingly) to change the nature of the tasks and how you feel about them.

 

I think sometimes we want to change, but are really vague about how to go about it, and then we get frustrated with our progress. "Think outside the box," Let life come to you, Redefine yourself" This advice to yourself in your post sounds good, but what does it mean? It's just platitudes, really. The more specific ideas you have to quit and not relapse, the more successful I believe you'll be. I think moving in with your sister in a different state is a great idea. I have a friend who quit meth by moving to Utah to live with his sister for a year. He said he could not have gotten clean if he hadn't completely removed himself from his environment for awhile. That sounds like a great plan.

Hey thanks alot for your input.  I totally agree with you that some things in life are just boring and "you will never be able to make boring topics captivating".  Going back to childhood (before adderall) I remember doing homework and it was never fun.  It was just putting in the hard work which I still need to realize is the inevitable result without adderall.

 

Also I absolutely agree that writing a list of all the negatives is a good idea.  I have definitely romanticized my memories with adderall many times before.  In fact that probably happens within two weeks after I try and stay clean for good.

 

Hopefully my brain can recover with time.  That is one of the scariest thoughts about stopping forever.  Is the courage I will need to take each day to control my scrambled brain.

 

Again thanks alot very helpful

[My story]

 Yes, what if we really believed what we say we believe?

Can you expand on that?

[My story]

Hello my name is Donny and I believe "we build the world around us".  I am disappointed with myself and the world I have built.  At 23 there is hardly anything left of the person I used to be.  

 

 I attempted to quit for good in February until relapsing four months later before finals.  I immediately picked up right where I left off, popping many addies, smoking many cigs, and never sleeping or eating.  I convinced myself it would all be worth it when I aced my finals for the semester.  Since then I have continued to go "on and off" taking adderall with no real attempts to stop permantely.  I do not get my own prescription anymore.  The adderall I do still get is from friends and family about every two weeks.  I normally spend the two weeks sober laying around the house, smoking weed, and working out.  As an adderall user I've learned to go to the gym immediately after a adderall binge in order to regain the lbs and muscle.  In fact, that's the only real change I made in February during my sober months.  I forced myself to start going to the gym consistently and made it a part of my life.  I changed my body physically and improved my health. 

 

But the one thing I still couldn't change was mindset.  My mindset was still overriden by thoughts of adderall.  I still thought negatively about everything I did.  I constantly blamed my sober self for not being good enough.   Not being as good as I should be if I never took adderall.  Or not being diciplined enough to be able to take adderall while using it sparingly/wisely/beneficially/not dependentally/honeymoon stage.  Even more negative thoughts poured in about my academic potential.  Trying to study felt pointless and unrewarding.  I felt so naked without adderall and was unable to define who I was anymore.

    

What hurt the most was still not regaining my confidence back.  I believed I would at least socialize more, eliminate inconsistency, and form more lasting and meaningful friendships.  But I still felt damaged internally and viewed myself as different because of my adderall crazed past.  My body language and dialougue was very fast paced and unnatural.  I felt helpless sometimes and had no control to just relax and live in the moment.  I absolutely believe adderall has effected my ability to live in the present.  Living in the present is natural for babies, yet as an adult I waste time living in the past or future.  

 

Pathetic this is the life I built.  I do intend on fully recovering this time through various new methods.  But I must admit that adderall cannot be blamed for everything.  Every person on this site can quit adderall, and it doesn't mean they're gonna have unlimited success.  Getting off adderall is just the beginning.  Then the rest is up to you.  How will you change your way of thinking?  How will you step up and make the moves necessary for success?  If you limit your sober self to being a less worthy and capable person than how will you change?  I have learned that in order to stop taking adderall forever!, I will have to think extremely positive and confident.  I need to replace the feelings I produced from adderall with knew ones I never imagined.  I need to think outside the box.  

 

Some basic rules I must live by in order to not just stop taking adderall, but Change...

1.) Slow down let life come to you

2.) Realize you have to recreate a meaningful relationship with yourself  

3.) Consciously embrace every life oppurtunity and seek human connection

4.)If your like me and study on pretty much speed, realize that will completely change

5.) For me personally, academics are the sole reason I can convince myself adderall is ok sometimes.  So how will you not just dullessly attempt to study, but instead make it inspiring and captivating in an entire new light. 

6.) Redefine yourself!! You are nothing you have been and you are not your beliefs!! I can't stand when people have been clean for 2 years or more but still post about how sad there life is.  If you've been clean for 2 years and still aren't happy, that because YOU haven't created happiness.  It's adderall not herione.  And if people can overcome that and other harder drugs why are you still whining about adderall? I think the worst thing about adderall (other than addictive amphetamine) is its deceptiveness.  Doctors, parents, teachers, make people think it's a wonder drug not a evil drug.

7.) You must find a way to be sober and always believe that you CAN change.  If you lose sight of that then change doesn't last.

8.)Always remember that your life is what you make it.  We build the world around us.  You can blame adderall for the past, but at some point you must take responsibility and own up. 

9.) Reconnect with your past self.  What made you you then? Would you have ever sacrificed social skills for adderall effects?

10.) I'm not gonna deny anymore the fact that I have been socially rude, unnatural, and impatient from taking adderall.  I must absolutely find a way to regain my confidence and social swag.  To think back in high school I was a jock and valued socialization and communication over anything.

11.) Realize the difference between avoiding adderall and quitting adderall. To avoid adderall is to run from it, not be around it, similar to aa.  I'm not saying aa isn't useful and necessary for some people, but I do believe what people lack is dicipline.  Quitting adderall should mean that person doesn't take it regardless of if they have a full bottle right in front of them.  That to me is a true recovery.  I want to be able to understand why I don't need it.  Understand that I don't need it.  Understand what was good about it and what was bad.  And why the cons don't even come close to the security of being yourself.  

11.) Surround yourself with good people and a good environment.  I realized 1 week ago I must not just move from my old environment, but must find a good new one.  One where I can focus on redefining myself.  Thankfully I have just moved from Baltimore to Seattle to live with my older sister her husband and 4 kids.  I hope that this change of enviroment and support allows me to finally stop, move on, and grow.

 

Lastly, I believe I must come closer with God.  I would be lying if I said I've had any relationship with the big man the last 5 years of my life.  My family raised me Christian and went to church every week blah blah blah.  But the point is after my family split and I hit 16 drinking, partying, etc. took over, I never looked back.  And I have always believed that even the rich are poor without some kind faith or spirtuality.  My sister and their family are devout Christians and although an adjustment, I am ready to seek new meaning in life than just adderall. 

 

A friend of mine who completely changed his life around from in and out of jail, to owning his own house, business etc. at only 22, told me "I think if we all just stopped and trusted in God's plan for us, life would be alot easier".  Makes me wonder if he's on to something, because he has the most uncomplicated, rich, successful life of all my friends.

 

I will keep everyone posted who's interested to let you know if my knew philosophy, enviroment, and relationship with God changes anything.  I know the pain and uncertainity this drug has brought many like me, and want to prove real change is growth is possible.

[Is it wrong what i want?]

good luck you can do it homes!!

[Is it wrong what i want?]

Well idk what else your feeling from the heroin you used to do but thank God you stopped that. In my opinion adderall is still just another drug out there that is only gonna temporarily relieve any pain you have now. If you were able to stop heroin, it seems to me you can definitely stop adderall, even if you feel you've recently tasted the "forbidden fruit". Why are you job and financial situations shot? With an attitude like that they sure are. I'd say first thing to do is start thinking positive about your future and what you want in life and what your goals are. Like everyone else will also tell you on this site and from my own personal experience EXERCISE. Don't just sit in bed, get up and force yourself to start going to the gym. That is the best way to start a recovery process because mentally like you said you feel your brain is always scrambled. My brain feels the same way so instead sitting there dwelling on it I go to the gym. So find a new hobby or something you can do other than starting a new addiction such as adderall. As you can see there are horrible outcomes of taking adderall after awhile too.

[in need of help]

school isnt over for like another 2-3 months. i have an organic chem exam the 27th so i should start studying for that now. i was thinking maybe i can take adderall only like 2 days a week and just study HARD those 2 days....

That will never work and will only put you further behind. Not to mention it will reassure yourself that your only able to do school work with adderall. I know exactly how your feeling but your obviously closer than ever your on this site, so why stop now? If your anything like me or a lot of people on this site those two adderalls will not fulfill the needs you want it too. I see where your coming from just two a week and for those two days you do actual work, just on a little adderall. Been there done that, doesn't work (for me at least). If your still clean you should try and stay clean, its the best option. Good luck you can do it!!

[in need of help]

I am going to school as well and am in the middle of coming off of it but my advice is just stop thinking about it. Honestly I have been through this process so many times and the number #1 thing I did was keep thinking about how I couldn't do it. How I would never be able to do all of this without adderall. I know deep down that is bullshit because your just as smart without the adderall but obviously the "rush" if you will on adderall gives you an such an excited feeling it makes you think your smarter and better than everyone else. But as long as you recognize that "hey I am just as capable of doing this, and am genuinely smart then this is totally possible". I have yet to find a way to explain in my head how this is all possible each time my brain craves an adderall, so I have found just not thinking about it the best. Just wake up everyday, don't be afraid to get distracted, dont be afraid to just get a little of work done, and realize each day you at least sit down and do 5 minutes of work your that much closer to your ultimate goal (regain your self-control to work, etc.). So whatever you do don't fixate your mind on how much better you are "on it" and how this will never work. Just first things first, remind yourself why your doing this in the first place, and know that your not going back. I am about 45 days clean myself, and the one thing I still tell myself everyday when I go through these "mind games" of wanting adderall is that number #1, I will never take that little pill again under any circumstances. Also drink yerba mate, go to the gym, and just force yourself to go to the library (its better than at your house). On adderall I always worked at home but now I can't ever do anything unless I go to the library.

[Random Awesome Stuff You Learn Every Day]

Today I learned about this little concept called perspective.

http://htwins.net/scale2/

That was awesome

[Deleting Facebook]

I deactivated my fb awhile ago and dont plan on returning until I feel like myself again & use it very limitedly. Facebook has gotten outta control anyway in my opion. My ex girlfriend and some many girls I know use facebook as a way to show how good their life is by posting pictures and comments of themselves which is very shallow if you ask me. Its still good for reconnecting with people you haven't seen but most people Im friends with on fb are from high school and I havent spoke to in 5 years anyway. You dont have to have a facebook to show your important tho so if you feel your a slave to it, then you should def consider deactivating for a little (just my opinion).

[Anger V. Sadness]

Same. I get mad at the little things, like if I cant get my shoe off right away after untying them haha really wierd. And the smart know it alls in class definitely!!! But I agree other people in that its way to early to diagnose anyone bipolar this early cuz your definitely gonna be feeling all kinds of shit. I wonder that about myself too, but the I ask myself if I never took one adderall, would I feel bipolar? Or if I was clean for a year would I feel bipolar? probably not

[100th times the charm]

Ddw,

I can totally relate to you regarding finishing college and being addicted to this shit. I let my abuse get so bad, that I didn't graduate....and I hid it from everyone for years, then abused more from the guilt. Learn from my mistakes. I'm 28 and finishing college now, because I was too messed up to do it back then. You CAN do it without it, and in fact, might work in your favor to do it adderall-free....all the best!

Well good for you for going back I feel the same way for kids who are probably 18 and starting to go through this shit. I want to tell them all quit now and it will be alot easier. My sister is 24 and takes adderall too & has more problems than me with this shit and shes in complete denial its the adderall. I honestly feel even if I drop out of school and have to return at 28 I will still be alot happier than if I stay on this shit any longer (even if I did finish school). But hopefully I can pull through I have so many people expecting me to finally finish