Jimmy Ray

I've been relapsing every few months for almost 4 years. Addie's cost me my teaching career and the inability to get back on my feet drives me back to the very thing that caused it. I'm doing another day one deal today bc I just came off a 7 day binge until I could no longer stand up. All for that feeling that I can't back anyway. I've picked up the NA basic text and joined a group. My DOC was Adderall and OxyContin but I am addicted to many things including alcohol. That funk with no adderall combined with nausea from opiate WD and needing a drink makes for a rough day one.

I'm in Brownsville. Been fighting Addie's and other stuff for years.

Well 4 years into this battle, I once again failed and returned to the false hope of adderall. I have quit for long periods (3 months is long to me) but never could recover my successful teaching career. I was on top when I fell. As hard as I work, I can't seem to work my way back up naturally. I take the adderall to ease the guilt and enjoy life for a brief moment. But it's not the same anymore. Barely get high and it disappears quickly and leaves me feeling worse than ever. I can't take enough. My body hurts. I know it's false and I don't enjoy that blind bliss I had back in the day. I've sworn it off hundreds of times. But I used tonight. Actually I'm on day 2 no food no sleep. Been popping them for days. Miserable. A successful happy fourth grade teacher lost it all and the demon that helped ruin my life still calls to me in the dark times. I'm high so I'm not making any plans tonight to quit. Just to try to eat and sleep. And not die. I was so dedicated and quit from oct to feb and then fell off due to feelings that I was nowhere close to where I should be in my life or career. To have been such a popular almost famous in a small town musician and top teacher to nobody in no time has been hard to deal with. I'm almost scared to try again when I get knocked down bc I'm so sick of the constant failure even when I'm doing right. But I've been using and I'm exhausted and feeling that off weird guilty feeling and I know I'm in no shape to figure this out tonight. Just wanted to say that it's been over a year since I logged in and I'm back. Every article and reason to quit and the way others feel is exactly like me. I love the memory of the good times on adderall but I hate what it has done to me and almost resent it for not treating me like it used to. That's prop all the many many pills I've popped but I'm pissed that my old cure all won't cure it anymore. Just had to get that off my chest. I've been using on and off the whole time and I'm on the downfall of a high right now. So hungry but can't eat. Dry mouth and dark eyes. Like a shell of the happy man that was teacher of the year and living the good life. Damn adderall and everything it has done...and damn the adderall for still calling out tempting me to get that one last superman high. Looking forward to sleeping and getting this adderall binge over. Good luck to everyone. We will beat this. I know I will or I will die trying. This ain't no way to live.

Relapsing